Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Chase didn’t move. She walked over and nudged his shoulder. His eyes opened, and he stared groggily at her. “Sorry, I… uh… Victoria.”

  After shaking off his sleepiness, he stood. Jim moved closer and looked him over from head to toe. It was worse than he expected. The guy was at least six-two, had a perfect V-shaped body with huge biceps and pecs, and the bulge in his tiny white bathing suit was either some obscure floatation device or the largest penis in history. He assumed it was the latter.

  “You told me to come by and use the pool whenever I was in the neighborhood,” Chase said in his soothing Southern accent. “I must have fallen asleep waiting for you.”

  Jim watched as Victoria smiled and drank in Chase’s hot body, her eyes lingering a little too long on his groin. She said, “I did.” Turning to Jim, a little flustered, she added, “I did tell him he could, uh—” She shook her head. “Sorry. Jim, this is Chase. Chase, Jim.”

  “Hey,” Jim growled.

  “What’s up, dude?”

  Chase asked, “So, is it okay that I came over? Because I heard that the coach was back with his wife, so I figured I would come over and ask you if you wanted to go out for a drink or something.”

  After glancing nervously at Jim, Victoria turned her full attention to Chase. “Um… why don’t you give me a call tomorrow?”

  “You mentioned a coach. Do you play sports?” Jim asked.

  “I’m a starting wide receiver on the football team, and I’m also on the swim team.”

  Jim said mockingly, “Is that why you wear the Speedo?”

  Chase gave Jim a look like he wanted to kill him. “So, uh, what sport do you play?”

  “Tennis.”

  “Tennis?” Chase replied sarcastically.

  “Yes, and I’m on the team.”

  After moving to stand about six inches from Jim’s face, he glared down at him and said harshly, “That’s awesome, dude.”

  Victoria moved between them and pulled Chase away. “I think you should go now, but call me sometime.”

  He smiled at her, looked Jim over like he was unworthy competition, and went back to the lounge chair to get dressed. After pulling on long basketball shorts and a Miami University football department shirt, he slipped on his slides and exited through the gate.

  Jim didn’t say a word but took off into the house, leaving her behind.

  Victoria found him in her bedroom, packing his clothes into a bag.

  “What? You’re leaving?”

  He didn’t look at her as he asked, “Don’t you want someone special in your life?” She looked away, her eyes welling up, as he continued, “Well I do, and I thought— Instead of having a lot of random not-so-special moments, maybe you should try one long, special one for a change.”

  She sighed, unable to form the words.

  After pausing a moment, he glared at her. “You know, I saw the way you were looking at his giant bulge in that little bikini dick-suit he was wearing. Does he really need to show it off like that? I may not have a foot-long penis, but I know what we had together was special, and—”

  She opened her mouth and paused to wipe away a tear. “I, uh, had someone special in my life once, and… he died.”

  His expression softened. “Oh, shit. I…” He moved to her. “I didn’t know. God, I’m so sorry.”

  Closing her eyes, she ran her hands over her face. “Don’t… It’s okay.”

  “No. Please, forgive me. I’m such a—”

  “I don’t get angry with people anymore, unless they do something horrible. People get jealous, and yes, I think Chase has a great body. We may or may not go out together, and we may or may not sleep together.”

  Jim nodded as if he were beginning to understand.

  She continued, “I’ll never forget our time together.” She looked deeply into his eyes. “I don’t think you want a girlfriend like me. When David died, part of me died along with him. When I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend, I was devastated. I’m not sure I’ll ever get married or be with just one man again. Life is short, and you never know when it’s going to end. You’ve got to live every day like it’s the last one you have.” Reaching out, she took his hand.

  He looked down, pinched the bridge of his nose, and said with his voice cracking, “I’ve never had more fun and been more attracted to anyone in my life. I know it’s stupid, but I saw us getting married. I’m a loser, I know.”

  “And I can’t have any kids. David and I tried and tried, and I found out my ovaries are lazy or defective or—something. A young guy like you who gets teary eyed when he finds out his brother is getting married probably wants to have, like, ten kids.”

  “Maybe just four.” He gave her an embarrassed smile, and they shared a chuckle. “I’m sorry that I was acting like a jealous ass before.”

  “No, you’re human. You’re leaving early tomorrow. You can either walk out of here now with hard feelings, or we can have a night together that will stick in our minds for a long, long time.”

  “I want to stay.”

  “Good, because I want you to stay.”

  After giving him a sexy smile, she stared into his eyes as she slowly pulled off her shirt and kicked off her shoes. He took a moment to gaze at her full breasts busting out of her tiny demi bra before removing his shirt. They slipped from the rest of their clothing and stood naked, just looking at each other, both torn between passion and tears. She took a step toward him and tenderly grabbed his hand. Leading him to the bed, she coaxed him down until he was sitting on the edge. She climbed slowly onto his lap. His quickly rising penis was pressed up against her belly button. Neither said a word as she lifted up, guided him inside her, and slowly slid down all the way.

  They stared at each other with their eyes narrowing and lips parted but not touching. They both closed their eyes as they became one. He sighed. Slowly, she began moving her hips up and down; they kissed softly as she rode him with small, gentle thrusts.

  He held still as she increased the pace. They kept their lips together as they struggled to breathe while kissing deeper, his tongue filling her mouth. Placing his hands under her hips, he lifted her higher and higher as she bounced up and down on him. With each plunge, he reached something deep inside her.

  She pulled her mouth from his and put her chin on his shoulder. He did the same as they wrapped their arms around each other tightly, bringing their parts even closer together. A tear fell slowly down her cheek, but she wiped it away. She moved faster and faster, as she ground her pubic bone into him; they were both panting loudly now.

  His release came first, and he groaned quietly. Hers soon followed, and they remained still for what seemed like forever—not speaking, not looking at each other, but holding on as if nothing else in the world mattered.

  She moved first, bringing her lips to his cheek and kissing him hungrily. Turning to each other, their mouths reconnected.

  He stood and picked her up, almost effortlessly, as she remained impaled on his erection. Turning around, he placed her gently on the bed and began pumping into her with a passion and strength she had never seen from him.

  It went on and on, and when he finally finished, he groaned and fell on top of her in a heap.

  After catching his breath, he slipped lower, and with his knees on the floor, rested his head on her stomach.

  Placing her hand on his chin, she guided his eyes to hers. “Come lay next to me.”

  She crawled more fully onto the bed and turned on her side, feeling both sad and satisfied. He moved in behind her and pressed his body to hers. Reaching back, she gently ran her hand along his thigh. A few moments later, they both drifted off to sleep.

  Jim woke first. After drinking in her body for two minutes, he kissed her shoulder. Victoria let out a groggy moan and turned to him. “How long have we been sleeping?”

  “Only about forty minutes.”

  “I was so tired.”

  “There’s one thing we haven’t done yet
that I think we should try before I leave.”

  “Wait; let me guess—bondage?”

  He shook his head no.

  “Um, I have some toys. I could strap on and, if you really—”

  He playfully pushed her away. “No.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “I just remember how much you seemed to enjoy the ass play, and so I figured…”

  “Don’t use the phrase ‘ass play,’ and please tell me you don’t own a harness. Please.”

  Grinning, she said unconvincingly, “I do not own a harness.”

  “Good.” He narrowed his eyes and held back a laugh. “I, uh…” Placing his hands on her shoulders, he rubbed her firmly. She closed her eyes, enjoying his touch as he said, “I’ve been reading up on this and, uh, you know that hot stone massage thing I bought for you?”

  “Uh-huh.” She rolled to her stomach, awaiting more attention.

  “We didn’t try it out yet.”

  Opening her eyes, she smiled at him. “I’ll meet you there in two minutes.”

  Victoria lay on the table while Jim reviewed a page in the massage book. He arranged the warm stones on her back in the same pattern as in the picture. He worked her muscles as the book directed, and she found it unbelievably relaxing. Afterward, they changed places and she positioned the stones on his back. He didn’t like the feel of them on his skin, so she removed them and finished him off with a more traditional massage.

  After the massages, they watched some television in bed and drifted off to sleep just before midnight. She was to drive him to the airport early the next morning, but when he awoke before her, he went out to the living room to call Brian for a ride, instead.

  Jim collected his things, wrote Victoria a note, and placed it next to her on the bed. He smiled at the sight of her sleeping soundly. After kissing her gently on the cheek, he quietly slipped away.

  Just as Jim was walking through security at the airport, Victoria reached over to his side of the bed and found the note instead. She sat up and read:

  Victoria, Thank you for the best week of my life. I know you were supposed to drive me to the airport, but the thought of breaking down like a ten-year-old girl in the middle of hundreds of people gave me a change of heart. I had Brian drive me. I probably would have been able to hold it together, but you never know… Lov—I mean, I like you a whole hell of a lot and wish you the best…

  Jim

  Clutching the note to her chest, she sighed, thinking of him.

  31

  A few days later, Jim moved into his new single room at Penn. He and his friends were lucky enough to secure one of the new suites on campus, where he had his own bedroom, complete with a locking door. They had to share the bathroom, but that bathroom also had a locking door. Things looked promising. He’d either be having a lot of fun with a girlfriend or a little fun with himself. Either way, it would be private.

  He began his summer class and thought almost every day about contacting Caroline, but part of him still held out hope that Victoria would call. After three weeks, Victoria still hadn’t contacted him, so he went on Facebook, pulled up the picture of her, and stared at it longingly. He wanted to call her and began to dial but stopped. As he looked through his contacts, he spotted Caroline and called her instead.

  When Caroline’s phone rang, she was lying in bed wearing nothing as her on-again-off-again boyfriend, Jeff, was walking naked toward the bathroom. She hadn’t seen him since before her Atlantic City trip. Evidently, the break in the relationship was over; it hadn’t been her choice to begin with. He had stopped over to see her, and somehow they ended up in bed. She loved him, or so she thought, and she had always taken their relationship more seriously than he had. The sex was always good, but outside the bedroom, they argued a lot and didn’t share many interests. He seemed more interested in everything else going on in his life than he was in her.

  Picking up her phone, she smiled when she saw it was Jim, and then slipped out of bed, just as Jeff reached the toilet and lifted the lid.

  “Hey, I wondered when you would call me.”

  “Sorry. It’s been crazy with me moving into the dorm and starting my classes. So what are you doing?”

  She looked over to see Jeff’s naked butt staring at her as he stood in front of the toilet, relieving himself. “Um, just hanging out.”

  “You want to get together tonight?”

  “Tonight?” she repeated. But as the unmistakable sound coming out of the bathroom grew louder, she covered the phone, rushed over, and closed the door.

  “Are you… peeing?”

  She paused. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”

  “No problem. So tonight?”

  “I can’t, but we could do something tomorrow.”

  “How about dinner? Maybe seven?” Jim asked.

  “I’d love to. Do you know where Calhoun Hall is on Arch Street?”

  “No, but I’ll find it.”

  “Alright. See you then.”

  “Bye.”

  Caroline hung up the phone and returned to bed. She watched as Jeff emerged from the bathroom with his penis hard once again. She gave him a playful grin. “What are you doing?”

  “I was just thinking about you, and look…” He motioned with his eyes to his groin. “You want to do it again?”

  As he approached, she looked him over from head to toe, feeling horny. Jeff grabbed a condom off the table as he asked, “Who was on the phone?”

  “That guy from Penn I met in Atlantic City.”

  He seemed unfazed as he asked, “So, should I open this, or…”

  “I don’t know.” She sighed.

  “Come on, make up your mind. It won’t be hard forever.”

  Her eyes returned to it as she took a moment to think. “This will be the last time ever. I’m serious.” She watched with a naughty grin as he tore open the package and slipped the condom over his erection. She lay back in bed as he moved between her legs. She repeated, “The last time.”

  “Oh, I know. I think things with Lucy and me are getting serious.”

  “You can’t keep doing this to me.”

  As he slipped inside her, she looked at the ceiling, torn between guilt and pleasure.

  The next day, Jim arrived outside Caroline’s dorm, and they walked to a restaurant nearby. Once they were seated, she started rambling. “Look, I’ve been dating this guy. It’s nothing serious. I mean it was serious. We’ve been dating since like tenth grade, and I’m not sure if it’s really over or not.” He smiled with relief, and she went on explaining… “Actually, he was in my room when you called. We, uh, thought it was over a couple of times, but every time it just… I just wanted to be completely honest.”

  “That’s fine. We don’t need to rush into anything. We had an incredible time in Atlantic City, but all that could have been due to the incredible suite, the $400 massages, and the bathtub the size of a small pool.”

  She chuckled. “Yeah, we could get out here in the real world and not like each other at all.”

  He looked at her with a serious expression. “Yeah, I’m kind of bored already. I think I’m just going to go.” He made a move to stand, and she looked shocked. Breaking into a broad smile, he sat back down. “Just kidding.”

  “You’re an ass,” she joked.

  They both sat back and reviewed the menu in complete silence before sharing a quick smile.

  “What is it?” she asked.

  “I don’t think it was the suite or the massage or the tub—I would have had fun with you in one of the regular rooms, too.”

  “You wouldn’t have lured me into one of the regular rooms.”

  He grinned at her as the waiter approached.

  After they ordered, she said, “So did you blow all your winnings?”

  “Some.”

  “What’d you buy?”

  “I have a confession, too… When I replied to your text, I was having lunch with this woman. Are we being totally honest here?”

  “Sure, I
just told you I had sex with a guy just after you called me yesterday. That’s pretty honest.”

  “No, you didn’t. You just said he was over.” His jaw dropped.

  “Oh, well I had sex with a guy just after you called me yesterday,” she said casually and smiled.

  “You slut.”

  “Don’t worry. We didn’t do anal or anything. With him, I’d charge extra for that.”

  “I’m not sure how I feel about this,” he said half-jokingly.

  “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have. If it’s any consolation, I was on the fence about it. He was already naked in my bed. We had just done it before you called.”

  “Oh, well, then…” He rolled his eyes and grinned.

  “And when I got off the phone with you, he was…” She leaned in close and whispered, “…hard again.”

  He widened his eyes. “You shouldn’t waste a good boner.”

  “My thoughts exactly.” She smiled. “Wow, I’ve never been this honest before with a guy. This is… kinda refreshing. How did we get on this subject?”

  “Honesty.”

  “Oh, yeah… honesty. So, you were going to tell me what you bought.”

  “I actually bought a $600 massage table and a few things to go with it.”

  “Are you starting a massage business?”

  “No. I know it sounds crazy, but I bought it for the woman I met in Miami. She’s a friend of Jillian’s. We actually spent a lot of time together down there, and she had this empty room, and I wanted to do something nice for her, so…”

  She gave him an odd look. “You’ve been spending a lot of your winnings on women you hardly know.”

  He nodded. “I just got this crazy idea, and I’ve never had so much money before. Let’s just say it was a spur-of-the-moment purchase.”

  “I’ll guess you guys were having sex.” His eyes got big as he smiled. Considering his look, she added, “A lot of sex. Really hot sex?”

  “Let’s just say I went down there technically a virgin and now…” They shared a weird look, and he said, “So far, you’ve told me you banged out a guy just under twelve hours ago. I’ve told you that I spent about a thousand dollars on a room makeover for a woman I’d known a week. Is this, like, the most bizarre first date ever?”