The Strawberry Heart

by Finella Vane

  “Anselle, why didn’t you acknowledge Niav?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Were you upset with her?”

  “Not at the time,” Anselle didn’t look at her partner but out of the corner of her eye she could see Niav wince.

  “But you’re upset with her now?”

  “Yes….no….I don’t know,” Anselle sat back down in the chair.

  “You seem frustrated.”

  Niav piped up, “She sounds like that all the time now.”

  Anselle snapped, “No, I don’t.”

  “Yes, you do. You snapped at Gina at brunch on Sunday. You snapped at me when we went for ice-cream. You said yourself that you get upset over everything lately and you don’t know why.”

  Elise tried to calm Anselle down, “Anselle, please take some deep breaths, in through your nose, out through your mouth.” She closed her eyes and did as requested, “That’s right.”

  Niav turned to Elise, “That’s what she was doing when I got in the taxi.” Niav turned to Anselle, “I knew you were upset.”

  Elise refocused on Niav, “But you didn’t ask her why she was upset?”

  “No, I didn’t want her to get mad at me.”

  “Why do you think she would get mad at you?”

  “It was just something I felt. I felt like if I said something or even touched her it wouldn’t be welcome because of the way she was breathing and she was all tense.”

  Anselle had calmed down, “It was the traffic. I didn’t want to be late.”

  “What would’ve happened if you were late?”

  “It would look bad for us to be late for our first appointment as a couple.”

  “But you had to wait in the reception area for a few minutes for me. Do you think that that makes me look bad?”

  Anselle thought, “No, doctors are always late.”

  “And I know that it may have been difficult for Niav to get here and maybe she couldn’t have made it at all and I may have had to come to you making the appointment start even later. How would that look?”

  “That couldn’t have been helped.”

  “And you would’ve called if you were going to be too late or if Niav couldn’t make it at all?”

  “Of course.”

  “How do you feel now?”

  “Stupid. But I hate being late for appointments. I always have.”

  “Then we’ll give you the latest appointment I have available on the night you need to come so you won’t feel rushed. How’s that sound to you?”

  “That would be better. Thank you.”

  Elise reviewed her notes, “Now, Niav, you said that Anselle snapped at Gina at brunch on Sunday. Tell me about that.”

  Before Niav could begin, Anselle interjected, “Wait. I thought we were here to talk about Niav and her disorder.”

  Elise explained, “Everything that happens around Niav can affect her disorder. You’ve seen firsthand her ups and downs so we talk about everything. Even your attitudes towards each other can affect her.”

  “Our attitudes?” Anselle asked.

  “Yes, for instance, look at the way you’re both sitting right now.” Anselle looked to her partner curled up on the sofa; Niav smiled weakly back at her. Elise continued, “The two of you, when I’ve seen you together, are always touching somehow. You’re holding hands or you’re legs are touching as you sit next to each other. Even at the hospital when you came into the room, Anselle, you sat on the bed almost on top of her.”

  Anselle looked from the doctor back to her girlfriend, moved over to the sofa and took the girl into her arms, “I’m sorry, Baby.”

  “Don’t get me wrong,” Elise explained, “I’m not saying you have to be touching twenty-four seven but for both of you I think the physical closeness is a very important part of your relationship. Would you both agree with that?”

  “Yes,” came the simultaneous reply.

  “Niav, why is that important to you?”

  “Because I like how her touch makes me feel.”

  “And how is that?”

  Niav snuggled closer into the blonde, “Safe and loved.”

  “And Anselle, why is physical closeness important to you?”

  “I want her to feel safe, like I can protect her.”

  “But how do you feel?”

  Anselle looked into Niav’s wide, golden-brown eyes, “Loved, needed, wanted.”

  “Does her touch calm you?”

  “I don’t know. She hasn’t made any attempts to touch me when I’ve been upset.”

  “That’s because you’re scary when you’re yelling and I don’t want to be yelled at because I’ve done the wrong thing.”

  “You think touching Anselle when she’s upset is the wrong thing?”

  “Yes, because I’m frightened and all I want to do is hide so I don’t get yelled at too.”

  “Have you been yelled at a lot?”

  “My parents used to yell at me all the time when I was little. They didn’t like it if I was out of their sight for a long time. I think that’s why they used to keep me in the kitchen with them when they cooked. And, of course, my dad yelled when I came out to her.”

  “Why do you think they wouldn’t let you out of their sight?” This was new to Elise. The woman hadn’t brought this up in any of the stories from her childhood that Niav was requested to tell at their weekly meetings at the flat.

  “I don’t know. There were a lot of kids in my neighborhood but I wasn’t allowed to play with them after school or during the summer holiday. I had to stay in the house.”

  “But you still got yelled at?”

  “Well, I didn’t always want to be watched, did I? I would go outside or hide in my room until one of them came to find me. Then I’d get yelled at for disappearing or not answering when they called.”

  Elise was furiously making notes in her notebook, “And you have no idea why they were so protective?”

  “I’d say over-protective and no, I have no idea why. At least I learned about cooking but I didn’t really appreciate that part until I was on my own.”

  “Okay, and Anselle? What about you?”

  “My parents didn’t yell. They would tell me to get out of the house, as long as my school work was done, and come back as it got dark. I was always outside. That’s how I acquired my love for photography.”

  Elise nodded her understanding, “Let’s get back to brunch on Sunday. Tell me what happened.”

  “We were having brunch, me, Anselle and Gina, at my flat and Gina brought up Lisa.”

  Anselle added, “Gina said that Lisa was in the restaurant drinking and said that she missed ‘us’,” Anselle quoted with her fingers. “I asked Gina if Lisa was sorry and she said ‘not exactly’,” again Anselle made finger quotes. “I asked Gina what that meant and she told me to calm down.”

  “Why were you upset?”

  “I was upset because I hate having to keep asking questions to get a story out of someone. I was upset because Lisa misses us and she’s crazy if she thinks everything can go back to normal by talking to Gina about what happened. I am upset because she’s my oldest friend and she never apologized.”

  “Do you want an apology for yourself or for Niav?”

  “For both of us.”

  “Niav how do you feel now about what Lisa did?”

  “I feel mostly sad because Anselle lost a good friend because of me and sometimes when I’m outside I feel afraid because I think she will be there and do something bad again.”

  “Would you accept her apology?”

  Niav appeared to give the question some serious thought before replying, “I don’t know.”

  Anselle interjected, “I wouldn’t.”

  “Anselle, what did Lisa do to you?”

  “She put her hands on my girlfriend and pushed her. Niav could’ve had an attack.”

  “But she didn’t have an attack.”

  “No, only because Gina was there.”

  “You can’
t know that. And that’s what she did to Niav. What did she do to you?”

  “I love Niav. Hurting Niav is hurting me.”

  “What happened after Gina told you to calm down.”

  “I got more upset until Gina called my attention to Niav.”

  “What was Niav doing?”

  “She was hiding her head under her arms like this.” Anselle took her arm from around her partner to mimic the way Niav was sitting with her arms over her face and head.

  “Why was Niav sitting like that?”

  “Because I was scared because I had been cuddling with Anselle on the sofa and she pushed me off and started yelling at Gina. I don’t like yelling.”

  “What happened next?”

  “Anselle calmed down and apologized. Then she asked me to go to dinner at the restaurant and when I said ‘yes’ she asked Gina to make a reservation for us. Do you know what I just realized, Anselle? We forgot to look at the photo collages.”

  “Oh, crap, that’s right. We got distracted when Gina told us about the party coming in, then again when they came in and you were misbehaving, then she sat with us when we ate dinner, then we had that amazing soufflé.”

  “And we were in a hurry to leave.”

  Even though Elise knew there was a lot more to discuss regarding Anselle’s mood swings she had to end their session. She told Niav to remain on the same dose of medication, to keep writing in her journal and to at least try to step outside a little way on her own. She asked Anselle to come back with Niav the following Wednesday and she agreed but she refused to come on her own though she really thought she needed too. And she did……

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  After their session the couple stopped at a local sushi restaurant when Niav said she’d treat Anselle to dinner. The women settled in at the counter and ordered. Anselle requests a bowl of seafood miso soup, causing Niav to make her “accounting face”, salmon and avocado roll, spicy tuna roll and prawn tempura roll. Niav asked for avocado roll, California roll and crab roll. As they watched the chef prepare their rolls Niav let Anselle start conversations and she made sure to answer any questions or comments with more than one word. As she became more comfortable Niav explained to Anselle about her new research project and she wondered aloud if Gina had asked out Evelyn or Elise yet. Anselle laughed (Niav loved the sound she rarely heard from Anselle the last few days). Both women called their second ‘official’ date a success.

  The rest of the week Anselle was still on edge and it made Niav very nervous. She never knew what little thing would set Anselle off. Thursday it was some spilled coffee in the morning and burned garlic (again) in the evening. Friday it was a tie she couldn’t find in the morning and rain during her evening walk home from the station (even though she had an umbrella). Saturday morning, it was Niav’s jeans on the floor instead of the hamper. As Anselle ranted about the ‘huge mess’ Niav covered her ears and hid under the blankets until she heard Anselle close the bathroom door and start the shower. The woman threw the covers off, jumped out of the bed, grabbed her jeans (not stopping to put them on), ran to her flat, kicked the book that held the door open away and let the door slam shut.

  Anselle emerged from the bathroom and entered the bedroom to find Niav gone. The blonde dressed quickly, grabbed her keys and let herself into Niav’s, “Baby?” She fixed the book so it was once again propping open the door as she heard a mumbled ‘go away’ but continued into the flat anyway. She found that Niav had locked herself in her bathroom, “Baby, I’m sorry.”

  “Go away.” Niav’s voice was strained as if she’d been crying.

  Anselle inhaled deeply and exhaled as she ran her hands through her hair, “I’m sorry. Baby, please open the door.” She had been in this position before, Niav on the other side of a locked door telling her to go away and she didn’t like it.

  “I don’t like it when you yell at me and you yell at me all the time lately.”

  “I don’t mean to yell at you. All I can say right now is I’m sorry. Please open the door.”

  “I love you Anselle but I can’t deal with this. I know you’ve put up with a lot with me and my disorder but I really can’t take you yelling at me. I’m afraid to say anything to you and I’m so tense all the time I feel like I’m going to shatter.”

  Anselle rested her head against the bathroom door and her hand on the door knob, “Please.”

  “Is it work you’re having trouble with? Is it the thing with Lisa? I’ll call her and forgive her if you want. I don’t care. Is it the cooking? I’ll do it all if you want. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I thought I was better now. Do you want me to come off the medication altogether? I’ll go back to the way I was if it will make you happy. I don’t need to go out,” Niav slumped down to the bathroom floor against the door, “I’d do anything for you.” The artist let the tears fall from her eyes; she just wanted them to be happy again.

  Anselle slid down the door to sit on her side, “Niav, I don’t want you to come off the meds and go back to the way you were. You’ve come so far and I’m so proud of you. I wish I could tell you what’s wrong with me.”

  “Will you go to Elise?”

  “Niav. I don’t think….”

  “Please, Anselle. She can help you.”

  “Niav, I’ll go with you on Wednesday and that’s all I can promise right now. Okay?”

  Begrudgingly Niav agreed and whispered, “Okay.” At least it was something.

  “Will you open the door now?”

  The woman reached up, turned the lock and, still sitting on the tile floor, pushed herself away from the opening door. Anselle, who herself hadn’t risen from the floor, held out her arms to her teary-eyed partner and Niav scooted forward into her arms.

  ***

  “One hundred sit-ups? Come on, seriously?” Anselle was already sweating from the twenty-five push-ups Niav had her do a few minutes ago.

  Niav, who was barely glistening from her fifty push-ups, sighed, “Just do as many as you can then or you can do crunches.” The woman started her sit-ups while Anselle watched. She did ten straight up followed by ten with her left elbow going to her right knee followed by ten with her right elbow going to her left knee. She repeated the sequence three times and ended with a last ten straight up for her one hundred. Meanwhile, Anselle had only managed to do one set being too busy watching Niav’s shirtless ab muscles contract and relax.

  Niav got up from her work-out mat and went into the closet to take out a set of 15kg dumbbells for herself and a 10kg set for Anselle. She also took out a collapsible weight bench and set it up in the middle of the room. Niav did a set of bench presses, wiped down the bench with a towel, had Anselle take her place on the bench and showed her how to do the move correctly. They ran through several types of upper body exercises, military presses for shoulders, pullovers for back and chest, bicep curls, tricep extensions and wrist curls for forearms. They finished off the workout with lunges and squats.

  Anselle collapsed on the floor, “I can’t move. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move again.”

  Niav flopped to the floor on top of her partner, “You did great…um…. Hey, Anselle?”

  “Yes, love.”

  “You call me ‘love’ and ‘baby’ but I don’t have a nickname for you. I don’t think ‘honey’ would do or ‘sweetie’. What do you think?”

  “I think we should think about it in the shower,” Anselle gave her partner a playful slap on the rear before they helped each other up from the floor and headed for the bathroom. Not much talking was done regarding nicknames.

  ***

  Gina had never known Anselle to get so angry and she had to find out if there was anything she could do to help. After all, that’s what friends did. During one of her daily phone calls to Niav, Gina asked if it was okay she take Anselle to brunch alone that week. So, there they sat, together, in one of Gina’ favorite eateries (aside from her own restaurant), Montparnasse Café on Thackery Street.

>   Montparnasse Café was an out-of-the-way place the tourists hadn’t discovered yet a couple of blocks off High Street. It was cozy with just a few small, round, marble-topped café tables standing on top of the dark, hardwood floors. A cushion-topped bench lined the back wall, under a wide window and bookcases fit snuggly in each corner. The display case and order counter were inside the front door to the right and a chalkboard listing the menu and daily specials hung on the wall to the left.

  The duo had a brief wait before a table became free so Anselle eyed the assortment of goodies in the display case. She asked Gina to remind her to take something home to Niav. While they waited at the counter for a table they browsed the menu board and placed their order; a chicken Panini for Anselle with avocado, sweet corn, emmenthal cheese and chili mayo; a ‘four season salad’, mixed greens, avocado, cucumber, tomato, carrots, sweet corn and tapenade for Gina.

  Anselle knew why they were there without Niav but she was willing to let Gina bring it up in her own time. Anselle knew that if her behavior didn’t change she was risking losing Niav and that was the last thing she wanted but waiting for a table was beginning to annoy her. She kept doing her deep breathing exercises and telling herself to keep calm. “Can’t these people see that others are waiting for a table?” Anselle grumbled to Gina as she pointed to a couple at a table by the left bookcase, “They’ve been done eating for 10 minutes. If they’re going to sit there and yap they should have to order something else.”

  Gina slapped Anselle’s pointing hand, “Shush. What’s your hurry, got a date? If we can’t get a table we’ll take the food and go to the gardens and find a bench or something.” Anselle shushed but Gina could tell her friend was not happy.

  The couple at the table by the bookcase finally left and Gina and Anselle were able to sit. Gina’ been trying to decide on whether to bring up Anselle’s little problem before they eat, while they eat or after they eat. It was too late to bring it up before they ate when the waitress brings over their order. They talked about current events, movies, food and the weather. Gina was satisfied that none of those topics are what were bothering Anselle; she never actually thought they were. The restaurateur wants to bring up their other friend but realized a crowded café was not the place to do it.