Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Um, maybe. I need to call him and ask.”

  “I’ll give you a moment, come out to my mom’s desk when you’re through and we can make another appointment.” Her mom? I don’t even know why, but it gives me even more comfort to know her mom works here. Maybe it’s because they’re a family, and I’ve never really had anything like that in my life.

  Taking a few deep breaths, I finally manage to settle myself. I’m still hurting, not physically, but emotionally. But I’m more myself than I’ve ever been. It’s cathartic, cleansing even, knowing I’ll be able to talk to someone I already have a connection with.

  I take my phone out, and scroll to find Max’s number. It rings a few times before he answers it, “Lily, what a wonderful surprise.”

  “Can you please come pick me up?” My voice sounds unsteady, even to my ears.

  “Are you safe?” he asks immediately.

  “Yes, I’m at my psychologist’s and I need…” What do I say? What do I need? I need more than someone to take me home, I just need someone.

  “I’m on my way. What’s the address?” I give him the address and tell him I’ll be waiting outside for him. “You will not wait outside, I’ll come in. I’ll be there soon.”

  “Thank you, Max.” We hang up and I go out to find Katherine, and her mom.

  “How are you, dear?” her mom asks me.

  “I feel like I’ve been run down by a train. My head’s still reeling, and I can’t seem to regulate my heartbeat,” I honestly admit.

  Katherine wishes me a good night, and a good Christmas, and tells her mom to set another appointment for me for early next week, when they re-open after Christmas.

  “You know,” her mom starts saying as she perches her glasses on the end of her nose and squints at the computer. “Katherine always gets it right.”

  I look at her in question, not really understanding what she’s saying. “Okay,” I say as I hand over money to pay.

  “I’ll see you next week, dear. You have a lovely Christmas,” her mom says. And I’m left wondering what on earth her cryptic clue, ‘Katherine always gets it right’ means.

  The door buzzes and I hear Max telling Katherine’s mom he’s here to pick me up. “Thank you. Merry Christmas,” I say as I leave.

  Going downstairs, Max is waiting for me on the curb. The moment I see him, every raw and exposed nerve sparks to life, and the tears begin again.

  He engulfs me in his arms, he wraps himself around me, as he gently strokes my hair and tells me, “Everything’s going to be okay.”

  We stand in the isolated street for a long time. Snow begins to fall and small flakes softly land all over us and around us.

  My ear is pressed into Max’s chest, and his arms are tightly embracing me. I can hear the constant thump of his heart, and match my breathing to the nice easy pace of the rise and fall of his chest. When the severe, sharp anguish finally eases, I let go of Max and step back to look at him. “Thank you.” I breathe in, and then out trying to find the right words. “I needed that.”

  He smiles, and with his leather clad hand, he wipes some snowflakes from my face. “Anytime.” He leans down and kisses my forehead, then leads us to his car.

  Max drives in silence, and when we get home, he doesn’t try to come inside, he leaves the car idling and waits for me to take the lead. “I really…” I huff and nervously look down at my hands. “Shayne and Liam are spending the night at his place home, and I don’t think it’ll be a good idea for me to be alone.”

  “Oh,” Max says as his eyebrows rise in surprise. “Um…”

  I gather the words I need to say. “Max, I’ve been alone my entire life. Even when I was living with Dad, even when I was living at Trent’s parent’s place, even when I was married, I was alone. I never had a family, and I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged. But now I do, and tonight, I just need to feel like someone who cares for me is close. I’m not talking about sex. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that again. I just need to know someone I have a connection to, is close to me.”

  Max’s eyes light up as he gives me a small nod, he understands what I’m saying. “I’ve been thinking about how comfortable that sofa is,” he says, breaking the tension surrounding us. He turns off the car, opens the glove department and takes out a small gift bag. “I had it in here for tomorrow, doesn’t mean you’ll get it tonight,” he says once he sees me eying the Christmas gift.

  “Come on,” I encourage as I get out of the car and go to the front door.

  Max follows. He takes off his coat and sets it on the sofa. “Have you eaten?” he asks.

  “No, I haven’t had a chance. But I’ve got a giant headache, I might just go have a bath and go to sleep.”

  “How about I make us something to eat?” He puts his hands up, as if surrendering. “Don’t get too excited, I meant something like an omelet, nothing too fancy.”

  When he mentions eggs, suddenly my stomach growls and I feel famished. “Thank you, that’ll be great. I’ll just go put my things down and grab my laptop. Do you need help or will you be okay?”

  He accesses the kitchen, and turns to me. “I’ve got this. You go do what you need to, I’ll cook us an omelet.”

  I go to my room, put my bag down, take off my shoes and grab my laptop. I literally feel as if I can lie down and sleep a lifetime. My head is hurting, but the constant ache sitting on my chest feels like it’s lighter.

  Max is cooking and I sit at the kitchen counter, firing up my laptop.

  Checking my emails I have one from Michaela telling me her book has moved up to top five on the New York Times and USA Today bestseller lists. She’s also said she’s recommended me to three more authors.

  The second email is from my first paid proofreading job, wishing me a Merry Christmas. She loved what I did with her book and she’s taken every suggestion I offered her. She’ll be uploading her book between Christmas and New Year.

  The third, fourth, and fifth emails are all the enquiries from the recommendations Michaela gave. The great thing is, these three books will all be ready at different times, so I can take all three jobs on.

  I shoot them a mail with my prices, and a Merry Christmas picture I’ve found, then close down the computer.

  I finish, just as Max serves up an omelet each. My stomach appreciates the smell of the hot, perfectly cooked eggs. “This looks so good.” I pick up the fork and start eating mine. Actually, I think a more apt term is inhaling.

  “Slow down. You’ll give yourself a stomach ache,” he says, as he watches me destroy the omelet.

  “When I was a kid, I’d have a tummy ache all the time. Not because I’d eat fast, but because I was starving.”

  “How so?” He squints his eyes and knits his eyebrows together.

  “My mom died when I was young. She killed herself. Well, I suppose a drug overdose is killing yourself. All I remember of her is she always told me how ugly I was, but she was constantly slurring her words. Her eyes were dark, she lost heaps of weight and her skin was pasty. I don’t remember much else.”

  “Why would she say such things? How old were you?”

  “I was nine when she died. I don’t know why’d she say it, all I knew was she hated me.”

  “Jesus.” He picks at his omelet.

  “Dad wasn’t much better. At first he’d just say the same type of things. Then, when Mom died, it got worse. He’d beat me sometimes, sometimes he left me all alone. The beatings weren’t that bad at first…”

  Max interrupts me to say, “Any beating is bad.”

  I nod, understanding what he’s saying. “You’re right.” I look away from his intense brown eyes, because I can see anger brewing behind his irises. “He was drinking more, and he started to neglect things, like food.”

  “He was an alcoholic.”

  “A functioning alcoholic. Went to work, then came home and drank into oblivion. Actually…” I half chuckle a humorless laugh. “Sometimes he didn’t come home at all. I was
left to eat whatever was in the house. Sometimes I’d go a couple of days, sometimes less or more.”

  “How did social services, or the school never identify a problem?”

  “Because I learned how to get to school, and how to get home. I worked hard and I studied. I got so used to being hungry, I was eventually able to put it behind me and just concentrate on school.”

  “Jesus, Lily. I just don’t get how no one noticed.”

  “Because I was able to hide. Not literally, but I blended into the walls, I suppose I fell through the cracks. I never complained; I never told anyone. Until Shayne, who I met at my first job, I never even had a friend.”

  Max slumps his shoulders and drops his fork onto the plate. “I’m speechless, but I’m also shocked how not one person took the time to get to know you.”

  “I never wanted anyone to know, so I put a barrier up, and I hid behind it.”

  “And this is all from when your Mom died?”

  “No, it was before that, but I can’t say how much before her death this started. You know, if you get told enough times how ugly, stupid and useless you are, you tend to believe it.”

  Max picks his fork up and pushes his food around on his plate. “But it’s not true.”

  I shake my head, and look to the drops dripping out of the faucet in the kitchen sink. It’s something other than Max to focus on. I shrug my shoulders and feel myself choking on tears. “That’s open for interpretation.”

  “You’ve never had a normal functioning, and healthy relationship. Until now with Shayne and Liam, and me.”

  I eat the last few bites of my omelet and then look at Max. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand what love is. Or even have a bond beyond a friendship. I’ve been ruined. I’ve been shattered, and I doubt all my pieces are even findable, much less mendable.”

  “That’s not true, Lily. It’s simply not true. You really are…hang on, wait.” He darts out of the room and comes back with the small Christmas bag. “Here,” he says as he gives me the bag.

  “Christmas isn’t until tomorrow. And besides, you shouldn’t be spending your money on me.”

  “I’ll do as I like with my money. Besides, I’m sure you bought me something, too.” I try desperately to remain impassive, but the huge smile on my face proves him right. “Aha, see.” He points at me, and playfully taps me on the nose. “Please open it, but open the card first.”

  “Thank you, I love it,” I say as I look at the gold little gift bag.

  “You don’t know what it is yet. You might hate it.”

  “No chance. Up until I left him, I never got anything unless it came with a condition, or it was actually what the giver wanted. So, thank you, I love it,” I reiterate, as I slip the back of the envelope open and slide the card out. I look at the card, and it’s a handmade gold card with one beautiful and perfect snowflake.

  I open it and the inscription says, “To my Snowflake, I wish you a Merry Christmas, and look forward to more. Max.”

  “Snowflake?” I ask in curiosity. He nods his head and his smile shines so bright. “I don’t understand?”

  “You’re the most unique, beautiful and interesting person I know. And just as there’s no two snowflakes alike, there’s never going to be another Lily. Not to me. Not now, not ever.”

  “But, I’m only half a snowflake, I’ll never be whole; I’ll never be perfect.”

  “I won’t believe that, Lily. Never. You may be damaged now, and I say damaged not broken, because you are choosing how you want to live. And if you were broken, you’d give up on life, so you’re not broken.”

  Wow, how intense has the air become? “Thank you,” I say and then pick up the small box and unwrap it. When I open it there’s a gorgeous, delicate, gold bracelet with a single, small snowflake charm. “Max,” I exclaim with happiness. “It’s so beautiful! Thank you. Please help me put it on.” I take it out, and Max clips the clasps together.

  “You’re welcome, Lily.”

  I stand for a moment admiring the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s subtle yet stunning. And I can’t wipe the smile off my face. “Thank you,” I say again as I throw my arms around Max and hug him.

  We stand embracing for a few moments, then he pushes me away and looks down at his feet. “I’m tired, Lily. I need to go to sleep. And by the way, we’re having pancakes in the morning. I’ve been known to make the best mancakes in the world.”

  “Huh,” I tease. “And who has said these mancakes are the best?” I air quote.

  “Gee, that one’s easy. I say they are.” We both smile, and silence fills the room.

  “Goodnight, Max. Thank you for being here. I really needed everything you’ve done for me tonight. From the food, to just your company. I’ll bring you a pillow and some blankets.” I walk toward the hallway closet and take down a few blankets and a pillow. “Here you go.” I take them out to the family room.

  “Goodnight, Lily. Sweet dreams.”

  I forgo having a shower tonight, I’m just too drained to even try and stay awake long enough to have one. I strip and get in my pajamas and crawl into bed.

  Sleep is incredibly welcoming. And so are Wade, Mom and Dad.

  The sweet smell of pancakes makes my tummy grumble and wakes me from my sleep. I stretch in bed and smile because I know I have a friend who cares about me in the kitchen, making me pancakes, and waiting for me to get up.

  Last night I went through the emotional wringer. The burden of it all still sits lodged in my chest, but it feels as if it has become lighter. It’s as if I’m finally able to breathe without having my lungs completely constricted. It may be months, years, or even decades before I’ll be able to let anyone into my heart again.

  As I lie in bed, looking up at the stark white ceiling, I make a decision to start divorce proceedings at the beginning of next year. I can’t stay married to Trent. I need to sever all ties with him, including the one we made when we married.

  I drag myself out of bed, and go brush my teeth before heading out to the kitchen where the aroma of hot pancakes is strong and tempting. “Good morning, and Merry Christmas,” I say to Max who’s flipping a pancake.

  He turns, smiling, and when he sees me, his mouth falls open in a gape and his eyes pop out of his head. “Oh my God,” he says staring at me.

  I’m still in my pajamas, and my hair’s a mess. I cross my arms in front of my chest and back away from the kitchen. “I’m so sorry. I must look a mess,” I quickly say as I turn away.

  “No don’t go,” he calls after me. Turning back, I give Max a questioning look. “I’m sorry, you just, took my breath away. You’re simply so beautiful.”

  I beam at his complement, and ordinarily it would be difficult for me to even accept it, let alone hear it. But with Max, I know he means it. He turns back and continues making the rest of the pancakes. “If madam would care to take a seat, I have prepared for her a hot chocolate, and I even found the marshmallows, so it has extra. And I shall serve you your breakfast.” He puts on this very rich and fancy accent.

  “Why thank you, kind sir,” I say, as I sit at the kitchen counter, watching Max.

  He’s humming to himself, and of course he starts singing, “Jingle Bells”, followed by “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”. “Your breakfast, madam,” he carries on with the pretentious accent and places a stack of pancakes in front of me, and one beside me for himself. He then brings over my hot chocolate. “Enjoy,” he says and bows.

  He’s so silly, but he makes me happy. “Thank you.”

  He sits beside me, leans over and kisses my temple. “Merry Christmas, Lily.” He starts to eat.

  Once we’ve finished with breakfast, I go into my room and get his present. He’s cleaning the kitchen, and stacking the plates in the dishwasher. “I can do that,” I say as I place the present on the counter and go to help him.

  “Go away, I’m doing it,” he playfully snaps. He eyes the present then looks back at me. “What’s that?�
� He jerks his chin out toward the innocent package sitting on the counter.

  “Well, there’s this guy I know. He’s kinda cool, and I thought I’d like to give him a Christmas present,” I tease.

  “Huh. A guy you know, you say?”

  “Yep. Wanna come with me later to give it to him?”

  He jokingly flicks water at me. “I think it’s for me.”

  I gasp at him, and bring my hand up to my chest in a mock shocked look. “What? Why would I do that?”

  He wipes his hands on a tea towel, then taps me on the nose. “Because I’m your friend. But hang on.” He darts out of the room and comes back with an envelope. “If I take that.” He points to the present I’ve got for him. “Then you need to take this.” He holds out a plain white envelope.

  The mood shifts, and it’s now serious, not playful as it was just moments ago. “You already bought me something.”

  “And this is something extra. It’s not big, just something little. Besides, I got a kick out of buying it for you. Made me laugh while I was thinking about it, made me laugh while I was driving to get it, and made me laugh because I anticipate your reaction won’t be…hmmm, well it’ll be interesting.”

  He’s piqued my interest. I’m struggling with accepting more than the delicate gold bracelet, but this is really getting my curiosity riled up. And besides, I want him to have his cologne. “Okay, I must admit, I want to know what it is that made you laugh so much.” I hold my hand out for the envelope.

  “We open them together?”

  “On three?” He nods. He picks up the present, and to me he’s like a kid in a candy store. Well, what I assume a kid in a candy store would be like. “One,” I pause and he scratches at the tape on the side of the present. “Two.” He stands in a way that looks like he’s about to take off in a sprint. “Three!” I open my envelope and take out what’s inside. But I’m watching him as he rips the paper clean off the box.

  “Oh wow,” he roars in happiness. “Thank you, Lily, I love it!” He puts it down and bear hugs me. “Now, open yours.” He places me back on my feet, and steps back to look at me. I read what’s inside and start to laugh.