Songbird

by Fristoe, Angela

  We separated in the food court, and I was debating what to order when I heard a hauntingly familiar voice.

  “Jacey! Come on, Jacey!”

  I turned my head and saw Kayla sitting at a table only a couple feet behind me. She was older. Her once curly black hair had softened into long waves. She looked older, tired. In my mind, she had always stayed sixteen, kissing my brother on the swings.

  “Kayla?” I asked it, but I already knew it was her.

  She squinted at me, obviously trying to place my face. I didn't blame her. While eight years didn't change an adult so much, it did surprising things to children.

  “Dani...hi. Wow, it's been a long time.” She smiled at me hesitantly, but was distracted by a toddler clinging to her leg. The little girl's face was almost completely covered by a wild mane of Kayla's bouncing curls, except for an inquisitive eye that watched me wearily.

  I knelt down to her level and smiled. She stuck her thumb in her mouth. I glanced back up at Kayla. “Is she yours?”

  “Yeah. I got married a few years ago. She was a bit of a surprise since we were planning on waiting.”

  “What's her name?”

  She eyed me carefully. “Jacey.”

  “Jacey,” I repeated, the sounds of the food court fading away as I stared down at the little girl. I sank into a chair across from her. “Why?”

  “Jace was my first love. He changed me. The way he died changed me even more. When Jeremy and I met, I was still struggling to put what happened to him behind me. It had been three years and everything I did was a reaction to his death. Jeremy pulled me back to life and I realized that without Jace I never would have found him.” She smoothed a hand over the top of her daughter's head.

  Little Jacey raised her head and with the reassurance of her mother's touch she flashed me a toothy smile. My heart clenched as I saw what could have been. For Kayla and Jace. Who Jacey could have been. I felt a moment of sheer joy, looking at her, and thinking of what a wonderful aunt I would have been. That joy died a quick death as I grappled with the fact that it would never be.

  “I'm sorry, Dani, that I left you in the park that day. You were hurting even more than I was and I ran out on you. But I couldn't stay. Everything about you reminded me of him. I had gone there to say good bye to him, and instead I said it to you.”

  “I understand. I wish I could have done the same thing.”

  She smiled sadly. “You were so strong, Dani.”

  I wondered for a moment if she knew what had happened to my family after Jace's death. We'd moved so many times after that I doubted anyone from the old neighborhood had kept up with me. Mama sure wasn't interested in keeping up with me.

  Kayla looked over her shoulder, her smile brightening. A tall blonde man stood behind her. He was startling to see. He was what I imagined Jace would have looked like in his late twenties. Kayla spoke of moving on, but was it really moving on when you simply replaced the one you loved with a copy?

  The necklace flashed again, momentarily blinding me and bringing me back to the restroom.

  Get over it.

  Put the past behind you.

  Get yourself together.

  Move on.

  Someone shoved on the bathroom door and I lurched forward and barely managed to catch myself with one hand on the wall, preventing a humiliating face plant.

  “Dani! I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there,” Jenn said as she came all the way into the restroom.

  “It's okay. Since I was stupid enough to be leaning on the door I can hardly blame you.”

  A lopsided smile lifted one side of her face before she turned to the mirror. Her reflection wasn't what I'd consider a normal Jenn expression. Her eyes were red-rimmed and slightly puffy.

  “Are you all right?”

  “It's Reece. I don't get it.” Her lower lip quivered.

  “Don't get what?” Why the hell did I ask that? She was dating Reece. Was I turning into a glutton for punishment? I prayed she wouldn't answer, that she would just wave my questions off.

  “Him. Before the dance, he was all interested and I thought he'd ask me to go with him. When he took so long, I went with Trace. Well, after the dance he asked me out and we've had a couple dates.”

  “Sounds perfect.” Yeah, so perfect that she was trampling over my heart.

  “That's what I thought, but this morning I asked if he wanted to come over to watch movies and he said he didn't think it was going to work.”

  “Oh.” I tried to sound sympathetic, but the beating of my heart suddenly returned.

  “I just...” She met my eyes in the mirror. “I'm sorry, Dani. I know you don't really want to hear this.”

  I shrugged one shoulder, trying my best to be a good friend. I couldn't let my feelings for Reece change the person I was. I was elated that he'd broken it off with Jenn, but at the same time, I hurt for her. I knew what she was feeling, and no one deserved that kind of pain.

  “God, what's wrong with us?” she said with a shaky laugh. “Why are we so hot for this guy?”

  I shook my head. “The question isn't what's wrong with us. It's what's wrong with him? He's got two gorgeous girls chasing after him and he doesn't even seem to care.”

  We started giggling and in our mutual pain let it grow to full-blown laughs. A sharp rap on the door broke up the humor. I pulled open the door a crack and peeked out. Colin stood there holding my books.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, just give me a minute.” I let the door swing back. I went to the sink and Jenn and I had a few more giggles as I washed my hands. We took a moment and fixed our make-up in silence.

  “Thanks for listening, Dani.” She gave me a quick hug. It was nice knowing that I had a friend other than Colin.

  I led the way out of the restroom, with Jenn on my heels. I gave her a wave as she headed towards her locker.

  “Thanks,” I said, taking my books from Colin.

  “Yeah, well you owe me more than a thanks. Mrs. White was pissed when you didn't come back. I covered your ass and told her you were pregnant.”

  “What! You didn't. Did you?”

  His smirk said everything. I used my binder to smack his arm. “I'm gonna kill you.”

  “Relax, she took it pretty well.”

  “Oh, my God. I can't believe you did that.”

  “What? It's not as if anyone would actually believe it. Maybe about Jenn, but not Dani Mays.” He threw an arm around my shoulders. It felt natural, like a brotherly kind of thing.

  “They better not.” I finally let myself smile at the purely ridiculous idea of me being pregnant. Little chance of that happening when Reece had no interest. Anyways, there was no way Colin had actually told her that.

  Reece was at his locker again, obviously waiting to talk to me again. I tensed and felt Colin respond by tightening his arm around me.

  “Is it true?” Reece asked, but his eyes already accused. “Are you pregnant?”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Am I...” I stared at him in horror before turning on Colin. “I'm gonna kill you!” I smacked him again with my binder.

  “Hey, you thought it was funny.” He used his arms to cover his head from my swats.

  “That's because I thought you were joking!” My face burned as I saw the curious stares. The worst was Reece's.

  “I'll talk to you later,” Colin said as he dodged my next swing and loped down the hall.

  “Who told you?” I asked, turning to Reece.

  “Trace.”

  I was going to kill Trace, right after I got through with Colin. He must have told Reece the second Mrs. White opened the door.

  “So, it's not true?” Reece asked, drawing my eyes back to him. Relief poured from him.

  “Of course not. I can't believe you'd even think that for a second.” Indignation burned my chest.

  “I...well, you've been hanging out with this Colin guy. Three weeks ago you couldn't stand the guy.”

  “What hap
pened with him was a long time ago. It was all a misunderstanding.”

  Reece moved a step closer. “Dani, you said he beat the crap out of you. That kind of thing doesn't change.”

  “There were reasons.”

  “How could he explain that away?”

  “He didn't have to explain, because I remembered everything that happened. He was trying to protect me the only way he knew how. And I know that he'd protect me again if he had to.”

  “I don't understand. I don't like him.” He looked hurt. All of the ire drained from me and I wanted so badly to just...to just hold him. To tell him that everything was going to be all right between us.

  “You don't need to understand or like him, because I do.”

  His shoulders drooped and his eyes turned away from mine.

  “Reece...” I didn't know what to say. If I let him in, I'd be right back to where I was three weeks ago, and I couldn't go back there.

  He took my silence as his answer.

  “Forget it. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He pushed off his locker, leaving me to watch him walk away.

  I closed my eyes and let my forehead bang on the cold metal of the locker. He wasn't allowed to be sweet or caring! Not anymore. He'd told me he wasn't interested and then he'd started dating Jenn. There was no way I was going to feel guilty for being friends with Colin, even if he was inadvertently spreading rumors about me.

  Lunch was horrible. I could feel the eyes of the curious and gossiping. I was seriously going to kill Colin. He sat across from me, laughing at my burning face.

  “Ah, come on, Dani. It's kinda funny.”

  “No, it's really not.” I poked my fork at him. “You need to fix this. Now.”

  “All right,” he sighed. Before I could stop him, he climbed on top of the table and gave a loud whistle that reverberated through the room. Every eye in the place turned to him. “Guys, Dani Mays is not pregnant.”

  He jumped down, smiling sheepishly. “Satisfied?”

  “Not quite.” I had a feeling that his announcement was only going to make it even juicier gossip.

  “I didn't think anyone would believe it. Dani, I really am sorry.”

  I sighed, recognizing the truth of his words. Beside there wasn't any way to stop it now except to ignore it. “Let's just forget about it.”

  He gave a sigh of relief and picked up his sandwich from the tray. He took a giant bite and I studied him as he chewed. He still gave off that bad boy aura, but he didn't fool me anymore. He was one of the good guys.

  “What'd he do?” Colin asked after swallowing his mouthful.

  “Who?” I knew who he was talking about, but hoped that by playing dumb he'd leave the subject alone.

  “Reece, who else?”

  “Nothing much.”

  “Dani, you're a horrible liar.”

  “I'm not lying.” I watched his eyebrows rise in disbelief.

  “You're right eye is twitching and you chest and neck are covered with bright red splotches.” He smirked at his display of observation.

  Giving up, I pulled the necklace from my pocket and laid it on the table between us. He stared at the heart for a moment before turning it over to see the inscription.

  “A little late for him to be giving you this isn't it.” He picked the charm up and rubbed it between his thumb and fingers.

  “He gave it to me on my thirteenth birthday. Well, he gave me my half. This is his half.”

  His eyes shot up to mine. “Why the hell would he give it to you now?”

  “I guess he thought the timing was appropriate. It's my birthday.” I reached over and took the chain from him then slid in back into my pocket. As I pressed my fingers deeper into the pocket, they met the crisp notepaper that had accompanied the gift. I thought about showing it to Colin, but decided against it. There were some things Colin didn't need to know. Reece's words were meant for me alone.

  “You never told me it was your birthday.”

  “Well, birthdays have never been a big deal for me. I'd rather just forget about it.”

  He looked like he was going to ask why, but he held the question back. “So let's celebrate.”

  “I can't tonight. Martha and Paul are taking me out to dinner. Maybe on Friday.”

  “Great. I've got the perfect idea.”

  “What is it?”

  “Ah-ah-ah,” he said, shaking his head. “Since you surprised me with the fact it's your birthday, I get to surprise you with what we're going to do.”

  After school, I walked home by myself and felt the loneliness consume me. Reece had always been by my side and then after...well, Colin had fallen into his place.

  I opened the gate and, once inside the house, threw my backpack on the floor, grateful that Martha wasn't home to nag me about putting it up. I flopped back onto the couch and stared at the ceiling fan turning slow circles.

  Was I being too hard on Reece? It wasn't his fault that he didn't have the same feelings for me as I had for him or ones, that according to him, he wasn't ready to deal with.

  The shrill ring of the phone stopped any considerations I had in making up with Reece. I rolled off the couch and dashed for the phone. I snatched it off the cradle and frantically pushed the on button.

  “Hello?” I said, breathless.

  “Dani? Dani girl, is that you?” Dad's voice came through the receiver and slithered down my back, sending shivers of fear racing through me.

  “What do you want?” My voice trembled.

  He coughed, clearing his throat. “I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.”

  “How did you get this number?” What a stupid question. I knew exactly who gave him the number. Mom.

  “Lydia came by last week and gave it to me.”

  She must be drinking again. Sober, she understood my anger and fear of him. Drinking, she only wanted to put the broken pieces of her family back together, despite the fact that we'd never fit together, even with Jace.

  “It wasn't all bad, girly. I wasn't always like that.”

  “Like what? A murderer? A child abuser? A wife beater? A drunk?”

  “Yeah, like that. What I did to you and your mother, to Jace, was wrong and I'm taking responsibility for it now.”

  “So, you're sorry and think we can be the perfect little family? Well, now I'm sorry. Sorry that you can forget that you killed Jace. That you tried to kill me.”

  “I never forget that, girly. But we had some good times. I wish you could remember.”

  I did remember and that's what made his actions that day so much harder to comprehend.

  Two months before Jace died, Daddy decided to stop drinking. I asked Jace how he could stop drinking and wouldn't he get real thirsty if he did.

  Jace said, “I don't think he'll give it up. Probably just for today.”

  Daddy came into the living room and found us huddled on the couch trying to stay out of his way. We looked up at him when he came in. His eyes were blood shot and his face pale. I could almost see his entire body tremble.

  “We're going to the zoo,” he said.

  I didn't know how I was supposed to react. The last time we'd gone he'd threatened to leave me there. He stared at us as we let his words sink in. “Let's go.”

  “What about Mama?” I asked.

  “She's going to stay here and make a special dinner for us.”

  He took us to the zoo and this time there were no threats. We laughed at the antics of some of the animals and Daddy even lifted me on his shoulders so I could have a better view of the gorillas.

  When we got home the four of us sat around the kitchen table eating pot roast and talking. I loved Daddy that night. He was the man I thought should be tucking me in at night and giving me hugs when I hurt.

  New Daddy lasted four days.

  I dug my fingers into the table. “I do remember the good times, Dad. That's what makes what you did even worse. Don't call me again.”

  I pressed the end button and laid the receive
r back down. What a crappy birthday.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I didn't tell Martha and Paul about Dad's phone call. They'd just go into protective overdrive. Mom wasn't even supposed to have the number. A couple months ago she'd called wanting to take me to visit him. It didn't go over well with me, and Paul had gone ahead and changed the number. I guess when I called her back a couple weeks after she'd used caller ID to get the number.

  I was fed up of dealing with her crap. The drinking and constant defending of Dad. But some small place inside my heart cried out that she was my Mama. It was a part that I'd learned to accept and ignore. Nothing I did was ever going to change her, just like nothing was ever really going to change Dad. Despite his words, he couldn't blame everything on alcohol. Not all drunks went around beating children and killing their sons. No, there was something inside of him that made it okay for him to do those things.

  By the end of the week, I'd put his call behind me. Mom called again, but this time I chose not to talk to her. I was tired of her games.

  “We still on for tonight?” Colin asked as we met at my locker.

  “Of course! You've been teasing me with this surprise all week. I'm almost to the point of strangling you if you bring it up one more time.”

  “Patience, my love, patience.” He took my hand and lifted it, spinning me in a circle under his arm.

  I was smiling widely at him when I saw Reece coming towards us. I'd seen him a few times over the past four days, but he hadn't tried to talk to me. Today, he looked haggard and worn down. My smile vanished. Definitely not his usual self.

  I wanted to wrap him in a hug, but when had Reece ever needed me? The only time I could remember had been almost three years ago.

  Reece and I were in the middle of our homework when there was a knock on the front door. I dragged myself off the couch and over to the door. Paul was in the kitchen working on his crossword and I knew that there was no way he'd hear the knock. He refused to believe he needed a hearing aide. According to him, those were for old people.

  I opened the door and saw Reece's brother, Gregg, standing there, wrinkles creasing his forehead. Something was wrong for him to be there.