Twilight in Kuta

by David Nesbit

  For the next hour I tried to do my work but my fingers kept going towards my desk drawer. I wanted to check my messages but I couldn’t. I wanted to be brave but I wasn’t. Waduh, I really did feel like the mummy’s girl that Selvey sometimes called me.

  I knew I couldn’t delay forever and so I finally opened my desk drawer and took out my phone.

  I had one message.

  I learnt. I learnt that Charlie is not a good boy. Sitting there, the day after our second date, I was sure of it. My mind was racing. I didn’t want to see him anymore or be his friend, I mused. I thought he was a playboy who just liked to have fun with girls.

  I don’t think I am a bad girl or a silly girl, though. I don’t think I am a naïve girl or a mummy’s girl or a bule-mania like Selvey thinks, I think I am just a normal girl who was tricked by a crazy bule.

  Actually, we have a name for ‘crazy westerner’ in our language. It is bule gila. Gila means crazy. Sometimes we join the words and make one new word: bugil. I think Charlie is bugil.

  The next day Charlie sent me many sms and also tried to call me twice. I don’t know what he wrote because I deleted all his messages without reading them. I was not angry with him anymore but I was disappointed. I was disappointed that I was wrong about him.

  I now knew that Charlie lied to me. He had many friends here. He was not a lonely boy like I thought. He was not a polite boy, either.

  The first time we met we just had a coffee in Starbucks in Plaza Indonesia. It was nice and sweet, like we were teenagers. I was very nervous and polite, but so was he. I thought he was so nice then because he didn’t want to look directly at me and so I thought he was a shy boy. I remember I called him a ‘mysterious boy’ because he was so quiet and polite. When I called him that, I remember, he gave me a funny look. I asked him if I had made a mistake, but he just smiled and said nothing.

  I remember he said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot the first time we met and I told him he this was unusual and he didn’t have to say words like that all the time, but he said it was natural for him and he even said ‘thank you’ to the assistant who gave us our coffee. I think it is strange, ya? How can a man be so polite on one side and so impolite and bad on the other?

  After our coffee we walked around Plaza Indonesia for a while and he held my hand. It felt very nice and then we watched a film in the cinema. Charlie paid for most things, like the coffee and movie tickets, but I bought us some snacks. Charlie didn’t talk very much the first time we met, but he was nice.

  After the film I told Charlie I had to go home and so he and I walked to the taxi rank and he wanted to give me some money to pay for the taxi, but I said it was ok and I would pay myself. Charlie smiled and kissed my cheek and said goodbye. Nothing much happened on that first date, but he was nice. Charlie is nice, I thought. I like him. He is a good man.

  I was wrong.

  After our first date we chatted a bit by sms and also by YM (YM is Yahoo Messenger) but didn’t meet again for a few days. When we did meet again we went to the cinema again. Charlie still seemed like a quiet boy, but he looked at me more this time. I could see him looking at me in the cinema even though it was dark. I was a bit surprised, but thought it was ok.

  He saw that I had seen him looking at me and then he smiled and I smiled too. He seemed to move a bit closer to me in the cinema and then he held my hand again.

  I felt ok now, still a bit nervous, but ok. Charlie smiled more than before, but didn’t say much more. After the film we walked around the mall and had something to eat. Charlie talked to me a bit about his life in England. He said he had one brother and one sister and that they were both married. He said that he didn’t think he would ever get married. I was surprised when he said this because in my country everybody gets married.

  I asked him why he didn’t think he would get married. Do you know what he said? He said he wouldn’t get married because he didn’t think any girl would ever want him.

  Crazy, right?

  I told him many girls would want to be married to him and when he asked why, I said it was because he was funny and smart and handsome.

  I felt a bit shy after I said that to him, but he seemed to look a bit happier. I think I understand now what he was doing. He was just playing with me.

  Ha! I am a stupid naive mummy’s girl who needs her bottom smacked, just like Selvey said I do!

  I think you can guess what happened next. I am shy. I don’t want to tell you, but I want to write down everything that happened and then maybe I won’t feel so crazy.

  Ha! Crazy, stupid, Indonesian girl!

  After I said I thought he was funny, smart, blah blah blah … he smiled and said nobody had ever said anything like that to him before and that I was a special girl. He said that he felt ‘humble’. I didn’t know what that word meant and so I asked him to explain it. When he had I think I probably went red again.

  After we finished eating, we went to the front of the mall to call a taxi. I thought he would order two taxis, one for him and one for me, but when we got to the taxi rank he asked me if I wanted to come back with him to his apartment.

  Well!!! I am not a bad girl! I was scared when he said that and I didn’t answer directly. He looked at me and held my hand, but I was scared, scared, scared, you know?

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said, ‘What for?’

  He looked down to the floor and I thought then I had hurt him because I suspected him of something. I felt sad. He said,

  ‘Just to watch a DVD or talk, or something. I just don’t want to say “goodnight” to you yet, that’s all.’

  He looked so sad then and I thought I had hurt him. I felt guilty. Isn’t that crazy? ME feeling guilty!!! It should be him who felt guilty for what he did to me later!

  Anyway, I felt sorry for Charlie and so said I would come with him to his apartment but not for long. He smiled and we got into a taxi.

  In the taxi we didn’t talk much but Charlie held my hand. I was nervous but I trusted Charlie. Charlie is a good boy, I thought. He won’t hurt me or do anything I don’t like. He smiled at me again and then I felt relaxed. I was safe, I thought.

  Hey, do you know what happened when we got to his apartment building? Well, we went into reception to get in the lift and there was a young man there behind the desk. He smiled at Charlie but he looked at me very badly, I thought. I just scowled at him. I gave him my fierce look. Ari calls it my galak look. Galak means fierce in my language.

  When we got upstairs to his apartment the first thing I did was to take my shoes off. In my country it is always polite to take off your shoes and leave them outside. (Ari says there are some people who go round stealing people’s shoes and that’s why you sometimes see people going home from the mosque with no shoes on, but I don’t think that’s true. I think that is one of Ari’s jokes.)

  Charlie said I didn’t have to take off my shoes in his apartment, but I said I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shoes in his house. His apartment was very nice and I could see he had a big living room area with a kitchen coming off of it and then he had one bedroom and a bathroom. It was very clean and I was a bit surprised because I didn’t think bules knew how to clean. I don’t know why, but you never see them doing it in the films, do you?

  He told me to make myself ‘feel at home’ and I wasn’t really sure what he meant but he was smiling when he said it and so I felt ok. He then went into the bathroom and I could hear him taking a shower. I didn’t really know what to do so I decided to just sit on his sofa and wait for him to come back. There were no pictures of Charlie or his family on display anywhere, and I thought that was a bit strange too, because Charlie told me he missed his family a lot

  I turned on his TV and had a look through some of his DVDs. He had many films. In Indonesia you can buy very cheap DVD films. They are actually not original films, they are pirate ones. I think we should not really buy pirate films because it’s like stealing, isn’t it? But … they are so cheap, you know. They ar
e maybe only Rp 8,000 each while the original film is about twenty times more expensive and even going to the cinema is about four times more expensive than buying a pirate DVD. I usually buy pirate DVDs and I sometimes go to the cinema, but I never buy original DVDs. I am not that crazy.

  When Charlie came back I was still sorting through his films. He had changed his clothes and his hair was wet from his shower. I think he had also put some perfume for men on. Actually he smelt quite nice and it was easy to smile at him.

  I was sitting on the sofa and he came and sat by my feet on the floor. This felt nice, you know. It felt like he was close to me but not actually in a bad or naughty way. I now felt happy again and so we started chatting once more. We talked about some of the films and which ones we had already seen and which film stars we both liked. It felt nice and ok.

  You know, I really don’t want to tell you what happened next. I really don’t. I know you will think I am a bad girl.

  I can’t tell you. Sorry, I know I said I would, but I can’t. Not everything, anyway. I will just tell you that at the time it felt quite nice but as soon as it was over I felt guilty and sad and like a pelacur. This is very bad, because a pelacur is a prostitute.

  Charlie didn’t make me do it, so I can’t really blame him completely, can I? He just held my hand and then kissed me. Ahhhhhhhh … I am malu, shy, now. Then we made love.

  Oh, my goodness!

  Can you believe that?

  Charlie and I made love! It’s amazing and it’s so wrong. We shouldn’t have done that, should we? What do you think of me now? What would Ari think, or Selvey, or my parents or … or anyone?

  After Charlie and I finished, he went to the bathroom again and I just sat on the sofa holding all my clothes to cover my breasts, you know, like they do in the movies. I didn’t know what to say or think or do.

  Charlie went into his bedroom after he had finished in the bathroom and then I went into wash myself. I got in the shower and I made the water quite hot and I put lots of soap on my body and shampoo on my hair, much more than I normally do. I don’t know why I did that.

  I just wanted to get dressed quickly and then go home, but when I got out of the shower I had another shock. There was no towel for me to use. Now I was really, really sad. So sad, you know. I was sad because I didn’t want to go out of the bathroom with no clothes on because I didn’t want Charlie to see my naked body again.

  I closed my eyes and prayed for help then, and that is unusual because I never usually pray, and when I was praying there was a little knock on the bathroom door.

  ‘Who is it?’ I said, and then nearly cried at the stupidity of my question.

  ‘Who do you think it is?’ he said, but not in a cruel way: ‘I have a towel here for you.’

  He opened the door just a bit and put his hand in with the towel.

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, and took it, dried myself and got dressed very quickly. I came out of the bathroom and I was almost too sad to look at him. I asked him to walk with me and call a taxi to take me home, but he didn’t even answer me. He was playing with his phone, maybe sending a text, or something.

  I asked him again and this time he looked at me. ‘Why don’t you stay tonight?’ he asked me.

  ‘Oh, my God!!!! What kind of question is that? I am a good girl, I cannot stay!!!’ I just started crying and ran from his apartment as quickly as I could.

  You know, I thought he would at least follow me or try to make me stop crying, but after I ran out to the elevator I just heard his apartment door close. I was so confused.

  I came down in the elevator and into the reception. I saw that nasty boy there again and he gave me another bad look.

  I tried to ignore him but then he said, ‘Sudah, Mbak?’ which means: ‘Already finished, Miss?’ This is very rude, because it means he thought I was a prostitute who had just had sex with Charlie for money.

  I was so angry now. I stopped walking and looked directly at him.

  ‘Apa, what?’ I asked him and gave him my galak look times one thousand.

  He looked a bit less cocky now and said, ‘Tidak apa apa, non, nothing Miss.’

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘What do you mean already finished? Tell me.’

  I was so mad at him, at Charlie, and at myself that I didn’t feel shy anymore. He hesitated again, but when I clenched my fist and took one more step towards him he finally answered.

  ‘Nothing, Miss … Just that Mr errr. Mr … often has …’ Now it was his turn to look ashamed or embarrassed.

  ‘Mr often has what, Mas?’ I asked him, still clenching my fist.

  ‘Erm … girls come to this room and I thought …’

  What was I hearing? Charlie told me he had no friends and now this … man, was telling me he had many girls come to his room, some maybe were even bad girls. I was so shocked. Really, I was.

  ‘Ah, really? Are you sure? Ha! You thought I was a pelacur or a gadis nakal, naughty girl, didn’t you?’

  ‘Maaf, Mbak, sorry, Miss,’ was all he could reply.

  I wanted to hit him, I really did, but I just went outside and called a taxi. I got in it and even though it was already late and dark I put on my sunglasses so the driver couldn’t see my tears.

  Charlie had made love to me! Worse than that he had treated me like a pelacur and now I knew he often did that with girls.

  I cried all the way home and it wasn’t until I got into bed that I realized that the doorman had referred to the apartment as ‘this room’ and not ‘his room’.

  Fast-forward a couple of weeks and I was back in my office and starting to put the nightmare behind me. I still felt that Charlie was not a nice man and I didn’t want to see him again or even talk to him, but I no longer felt as bad anymore. I knew it was not my fault everything that happened. It was his and I also knew that one day he would be sorry for how he lived his life now and he would be the loser.

  No. I decided, I won’t be sad anymore. I will just learn my lesson and move on.

  For the first time in a while I was feeling really happy again. Selvey was being nicer to me than usual. She had seldom been angry recently and she was laughing a lot. I wondered why? Maybe something good was happening in her life again. I hoped so. She is a nice lady, really.

  I didn’t tell her (much) about what happened with Charlie Bugil – that’s what I decided to call him now- except that I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. She just smiled and said ‘ok’ when I told her that and didn’t ask me any questions.

  I just didn’t want to tell her, or anyone, about what we did. You know, the ‘bad’ thing, because I thought she might think that was not too good.

  I didn’t tell Ari much about what happened, either, but I think he guessed. I spoke to him by phone the next morning and I told him I was sad. He asked me if it was because of bugil and when I didn’t answer he said he guessed that bugil had hurt me. He is a good boy. He told me it was ok, and that he was there for me always. He didn’t say I was bad or wrong for doing ‘that’ with bugil.

  Actually, maybe I should tell you something. A long time ago, when we were in high school, Ari and I made love! We were very young; maybe 17 or 18, and we wanted to know what it was like because all our friends were talking about ‘it’ and so one day when we walking home Ari asked me if I was still a virgin.

  I was very shocked and I felt my cheeks burning, but I said

  ‘Ariansa Wiboso! How can you ask me that question! You know I am. Have you ever seen me with a boyfriend?’

  He just laughed and said, ‘Sorry sis, it’s just that everyone in our class is talking about sex and it seems that you and I are the only ones who have not tried it yet.’

  I was a bit surprised at first that Ari was telling me this, because his words meant that he was a virgin too, and I knew boys don’t like to admit to that.

  ‘Ya,’ I said, ‘I sometimes wonder what it is like to do “it”, but I can’t try with someone I don’t know well, can you?’

  ‘No, of course not,’
he said, but then he looked at me and said: ‘but you know me well, don’t you?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I knew what he meant, of course, but I just pretended I didn’t.

  ‘Well, we know each other and … well, maybe we could find out together?’ He was smiling when he said this, but I know Ari. I know when he is serious and when he is joking and at this time he was definitely serious.

  ‘Ok, then,’ I said quickly, ‘Let’s go to my house now and “do it”. There’s no one there now.’

  He was shocked. ‘Are you sure? I didn’t mean it,’ he stuttered.

  ‘Yes, you did,’ I said, ‘and yes, I am sure. Why not? You think only boys are interested in sex?’

  Then I smiled and punched him on the arm and we went to my house and made love.

  That’s all I’m going to tell you, except to say we never did it again and we never talked about it either. But it was nice and I don’t regret it.

  After all the nonsense with Charlie, I started writing on my blog again. Do you know what a blog is? I am sure you do. It is kind of a personal website where you can write things or post pictures or do other things. I liked to write about my life and what happened (I didn’t write about everything, of course. I wouldn’t write about bugil, for example) and sometimes people read my blog and they posted comments.

  I usually wrote in Indonesian and not English, because my English was not so good, and I tried to write most days. I wrote a poem in Indonesian about being happy and never feeling lonely. I don’t want to tell you exactly what I wrote because I am a bit shy, but I was very happy when I saw many people (well, seven) had posted comments saying they liked it.

  I left messages of thanks for all the people who made comments on their blogs, but there was one person I couldn’t reply to like that because when I clicked on their user name ‘GarOrl’ I just got directed to an email address and not to a blog. That happens sometimes if a user has registered only as a member and hasn’t set up a blog.