Finding Strength: A Club Dark Novel

by Reagan Hollow

  “Thank you, Dr. Shroud.” I hear the nurse talking from behind me, but I tune her out. My attention is all for my little Kinsley. She’s perfect. Even with all the tubes and wires running from her tiny body.

  The nurse quietly walks around the side of the incubator, sticking her gloved hand inside one of the many holes of the dome, adjusting one of the leads attached to her chest.

  “Why does she have so many tubes and wires hooked up to her?” I finally tear my eyes away to address the nurse. She’s a short, plump lady, probably in her late forties or early fifties. Her hair is done up in a messy bun with strands coming out in every direction. She looks like I feel. Like a never-ending day of restlessness.

  She gestures for me to follow her over to the rocking chairs within viewing distance of the incubator.

  “I figured we can talk better over here. She hasn’t been sleeping long.” The nurse, Cathy, informs me.

  “The tubes and wires each possess different abilities. Your little one came in weighing three pounds even. Yes, that’s small, but a decent weight for her gestation. I was present when she was delivered and apart from having to suction a little fluid from her, she had no complications at birth. However, her oxygen started to drop shortly after, and she’s having a hard time maintaining body temperature. These complications are normal for a preemie, and the reason for all the tubes and wires.

  She’s currently got a feeding tube inserted until she either learns to suction from a bottle, or she can latch onto the mother. She’s also hooked up to a monitor that counts her breaths and heart rate, and we are giving her oxygen. She’s also got an IV placed, though we haven’t used it just yet. We’re still waiting on orders to come through.”

  All of this is a lot to take in. So much is going on with her. “How long will she have to be here?”

  “That all depends on her. We like to tell the parents to plan for them to reach their full gestational age, though each child is different. Eating on her own and holding her body temperature are two things we will be looking for before she can be released.” She’s quiet for a moment, and my mind races. I find it harder and harder to keep my eyes from the plastic tube she’s laying inside. “Has your little princess got a name?” The nurse breaks through my thoughts.

  “Kinsley. Kinsley Rhea.”

  “That’s beautiful.”

  “Thank you, can I hold her.” I ask, knowing it’s a long shot, but my hands are itching to touch her, to feel that she’s real.

  “Unfortunately, the NICU doctor has placed a no contact rule on her for the moment. Part of the reason she’s placed inside the incubator. It’s for her protection.”

  As much as I want to be pissed, I can’t. I understand. Just getting a look at her tiny body through the glass, you can see how fragile she is, her skin looks paper-thin. A sense of protectiveness washes over me as a watch her sleep. If I can help it, Kinsley will never know pain, not truly. I’ll slit the throat of anyone who ever tries to harm her.

  Pain and emptiness, that’s what I wake up to.

  Where am I?

  At first glance, I can tell I’m in the hospital. The sterile smell alone gives it away. Wait, hospital?

  “Ahhh!” Bolting straight up in the bed, a sharp and intense pain shoots straight through my stomach causing me to scream out in pain.

  “Lacey? What the hell? What are you doing?” Amber's face comes into view as she approaches the bed. “Lay back down.”

  I ease my head back to the pillow, just to shoot back up when I realize why I feel empty.

  “My baby?!”

  Amber pushes the nurse button located on the bed and gently pushes me back down. Having burnt out all my energy, I have nothing left to fight her. I give in and lay back.

  “Kinsley is okay, Cory is with her.” She finally tells me. I feel like strangling her for not leading with that.

  “Amber, can you please just tell me what’s going on? What happened? Why am I here and where is my baby?” My hands drift down to my belly. A weird hollowness now resides where she once was.

  Hot tears begin to stream down my face, my heart aching at the loss of something that’s been a part of me for so long now.

  “You don’t remember what happened?”

  “I wouldn’t have asked if I did,” I snap at her. She scowls at me, but makes no comment on my attitude. I can’t bring myself to feel sorry right now, I’m only concerned about my daughter.

  “You passed out at your baby shower, Mrs. Lewis caught you before you hit the floor. You blood pressure was high when the ambulance arrived and was still high once you reached the hospital, so they kept you sedated to see if some uninterrupted rest would help to bring it down. Only briefly were they able to stabilize it. In the end, it spiked and they had to perform an emergency C-section and deliver the baby.” She was crying now, making me feel like an ass for snapping at her.

  The door opens and with it a lady looking to be about my age walks through.

  “You’re awake!” She says with a perky smile. “How are you feeling?”

  Fuck how I’m feeling, I want to see my daughter. “Just great, I be even better if you could take me to my daughter.” I’m sure I sound like a total bitch; I can hear it for myself. But I don’t care

  Apparently, neither does this nurse, who looks like she should be cheering on the sidelines of a college football team, not playing nurse here at the hospital. But hey, who am I to judge, so long as she does what I ask.

  “Just relax a minute, let me check you out and then we’ll see about getting you to your daughter.” She smiles at me again, her sickly-sweet attitude beginning to make me sick.

  I will my muscles to soften, my body melting into the bed. She pulls the sheet down and begins to lift my gown. She begins poking and prodding along my stomach, questioning whether I was in any pain or not. My flinches give me away, but my confirmations are silent. I’ve suffered through far worse, and would do it again if it meant getting to my daughter.

  “Everything looks good. Now, let’s see how you do standing, it’s been almost two days since you’ve used your legs.” What?! Two days? Amber conveniently left that part out. My daughter is already more than a day old and I’ve never laid eyes on her.

  I channel all my anger and frustration into getting my ass up out of this bed. With Amber at my side, I throw my arm around her shoulder, lending her most of my weight. She takes it with very little effort. She helps me stand to my feet but almost instantly, I come crashing back down, my legs giving out from underneath me.

  “Whoa now, killer, you’re going to hurt yourself. Slow and steady,” Amber teases and tightens her hold on me.

  “You can take a break if you need to, try again after you get some more rest.” Miss Perky says, making me want to slap her teeth down her throat. Fuck, I’ve never been so violent, yet that’s all I can feel coursing through me right now. No, that’s not true. I can feel all my emotions. I want to jump for joy because I can finally meet my daughter, yet cry because she’s here far too soon, but anger, that’s my prominent emotion at the moment. And it’s all channeled at little miss perfect right now. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “No, no break,” I grit out.

  Clenching my teeth, I give Amber a short nod, bracing myself once again. My knees wobble a bit, my legs a little unsteady, but I manage to pull myself to stand completely. The nurse and Amber each standing on each side of me in case I find I can’t support my own weight.

  “Great job. Now, let’s see if you can walk.” Fuck! Is the fact that I’m out of the bed not good enough? The shifting of weight alone, is enough to send pain through my abdomen, and she wants me to walk. Can I punch her now?

  “Come on, Lacey, you got this.” Amber encourages me.

  Huffing out a breath, I put one foot in front of the other, thoughts of seeing my daughter for the first time making it a little easier than I thought it was going to be. Repeating the movements, I manage to make it another four or five steps before exhau
stion takes over me making my knees weak. I’m just on the verge of them giving out when the nurse slides a wheelchair in behind me. I swear I could kill this lady.

  “You did great, Miss Carter. You should get up and walk as much as possible. Not only will it help you to gain your strength back in your legs, but it’ll also help speed the recovery process and make healing that much easier. Now, let’s go see your daughter.” That’s the best thing she’s said since walking through my door.

  Meeting my daughter for the first time was bittersweet, to say the least. Seeing the man I loved, sound asleep with his hand resting just inside her incubator, but not quite touching her, was enough to have my chest tightening and the fresh tears flowing.

  I was allowed a few hours with them, before I was forced back to the room to get rest. I spent most of that time soaking in Kinsley’s features. Memorizing the curve of her nose, the pink of her cheeks, the little dusting of black hair across her tiny head. Simply speaking, she was perfect.

  I was released the day our little princess turned a week old, and we’ve spent the last six weeks making the fifteen-minute drive from the house to the hospital. Most days, I’m there by myself while Cory works. From time to time, either he or Amber will join me.

  At three week’s old, I was finally able to hold Kinsley for the first time. It was awkward at first, her body still so tiny and fragile, I was afraid of hurting her. But the moment her eyes connected with mine, I relaxed with her in my arms, her body perfectly molding into the crook of my arms.

  At five weeks, she came off the feeding tube and the IV.

  After working with a lactation nurse for almost two weeks, we were finally able to get her to latch on, thankfully eliminating everything left attached to her body.

  She now sits at a solid five pounds, giving her a two-pound gain since she was born. Today’s the day we get to take her home, and I couldn’t be more nervous.

  I watch in awe as Cory stands over her, changing her diaper with practiced ease. The love for our daughter radiates from him, filling my heart with pure joy.

  Watching him dress her is almost comical, so I put him out of his misery and take over. Finding something tiny enough to fit her wasn’t easy. We found a cute preemie outfit with a tiny Minnie Mouse in the center of the shirt and matching bonnet style hat with tiny mouse ears. Of course, the outfit was too big, but she was still adorable.

  All packed and ready to take our baby girl home, I take a moment to squeeze the neck of every nurse in the unit. These people have become like family in the past six weeks. I feel a certain attachment to them, knowing they had a big part in in the progress Kinsley has made. If it weren’t for their diligence and caring nature, I might not have been able to bring my daughter home so soon.

  “Come on, baby. Let’s get our daughter home.” Nothing in this world has ever sounded better.

  “Girl, you look gorgeous!” Amber whistles low in her chest. My cheeks heat from embarrassment and my heart accelerates with excitement. “Cory’s one lucky man.” She continues, and I swat her in the arm.

  Today, after nearly five years together, we’re finally getting married.

  My stomach knots as I stand before the floor length mirror in one of the guest rooms of the bed and breakfast we rented for both the ceremony and for guests to stay the night in. The house itself is an old Antebellum, built in the 1800’s. With over three acres of plush greenery and a beautiful gazebo, there was no other place more perfect.

  “Momma, momma, catch me.” Kinsley bounds into my arms. My gorgeous little spitfire taking after her father with her jet-black hair.

  “Kenzie, Auntie Amber told you about mommy’s dress,” Amber scolds her playfully, pulling her from my arms and spinning her around, her little giggles echoing off the walls in the room.

  Straightening the dress back out, I give myself one last look.

  “Mommy, you look like a pretty princess,” Kinsley says from Amber's arms.

  “Aww, thank you baby, but no one’s as pretty as you.” She squeals as Amber places her back on the floor.

  She bounds back to my side, placing her hands to my stomach, “I can’t wait for the baby,” she coos, and looks up at me with wonder. I’ve only just begun to show, and Kinsley’s questions about mommy’s belly have been off the wall.

  The dress itself is simple, yet eloquent. A strapless bodice with diamond accents in the middle of the bust. The lightweight fabric feels sheer across my skin, the front falling just below my knees and the back creating a mini train at my feet. My hair done in soft ringlets, framing my face.

  Amber is my maid of honor, and of course Kinsley is my flower girl. They’re both wearing shades of purple. Amber with a rich violet floor length gown. Kinsley in a lavender frilly thing she just had to have, and since she looked so perfect in it, how could I say no?

  “How are you holding up, sweetie?” Amber asks.

  “Is it normal to be this nervous? I mean, it’s not like we just met or anything.” I let out a nervous laugh.

  “Oh honey, it’s perfectly normal to be nervous on your wedding day. I’d say the real fun begins on the honeymoon, but from the looks of it, you guys got a jumpstart in the fun department.” She laughs and heads for the door.

  “You got five minutes, babe, don’t keep the man waiting.” She takes Kinsley with her, leaving me and my nerves alone.

  Pulling myself together, I'm reminded of why we’re here and all the anxiety melts away at the thought of Cory being mine, forever. I know my nerves are because all eyes will be on me, but that doesn’t matter anymore. As I stand here admiring myself in the mirror, all my thoughts are now on making our little family of four official.

  “Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet?” Cory’s dad laughs from behind me. His smile gentle and warm.

  “Nope, as ready as ever.” I return his smile, hooking my arm around his as he guides me out the door.

  For a moment, my thoughts flip back to Kinsley’s fifth birthday and the small gathering of friends and family we had over to celebrate. Cory and I had just officially set the date for a spring wedding. Having everyone together at the same time, we chose that time to make our announcement, and of course, I asked Amber to be my maid of honor.

  I had thoughts of walking myself down the aisle, and I was okay with that. But then, we spent more and more time with Cory’s parents. After Kinsley was born, they decided to mend broken bridges and move back to town. They became permanent figures in our lives, coming over every Sunday to have dinner and family outings here and there.

  Over time, I bonded with Cory’s dad, finding that he too had a love for the great outdoors. Many warm days I would find him out back with Kinsley, holding her tightly, naming the different types of birds they would see, or making her a bouquet when she finally learned how to pick flowers. He melted my heart through my daughter.

  I was proud to see the love and joy in his eyes when I pulled him aside and asked him to walk me down the aisle.

  Looking up at the only other man I’ve ever called dad, I know I made the right choice. His eyes sparkled with unshed tears, a smile stretching wide across his face.

  “Don’t get soft on me now, old man,” I tease, making him laugh.

  We come to a stop at the French doors leading out to the back of the property. We’ve rehearsed this a thousand times, yet it all feels new to me and suddenly I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been before. My palms become slick with sweat. An urge to flee taking over me. My body tenses, setting me up to run at a moment's notice.

  “Calm down, sweetheart.” Dad’s warm and gentle voice tries to soothe me. Just the thought that I can call him my dad, works wonders on my nerves. I’m still anxious, but no longer want to leave.

  “Thank you,” I say sincerely.

  “For what, I didn’t do anything.” He smiles, he’s always smiling.

  “For just being you, for just being a dad.” This earns me a warm embrace.

  “Okay…” I tap three times o
n his arms. “You squeeze any tighter and I’m going to be down a rib.” I laugh again. Everything is funny around this man.

  “So, are you over your little fit and ready to make an honest man out of my son or what?”

  My arm wraps around his once more, giving him the answer he needs. Yes, I’m ready.

  He signals for the men guarding the doors to open them. Slowly they push out, and I should add, I haven’t seen the outside since it was made up. This is all Amber’s doing and I’m speechless. Utterly speechless.

  We walk arm in arm for about five feet before I’m fully able to take it all in. It’s like my own personal paradise right in front of me.

  As odd as it was at the time that she said it, I can see now why she wanted me shoeless. Everyone is. Stepping one foot on the ground and feeling the soft, plush grass beneath my feet, I’m in heaven.

  Still arm in arm Dad guides me forward, Kinsley out ahead of us throwing rose petals in the air and watching them flutter to the floor. She wanted to pick them back up during the rehearsal, I’m glad she forgot that part.

  I smile out at our friends and family, some of the guys who work for Alex are present, they clean up nicely, if I might add. Amber also brought a few of the girls who stayed when we merged the club. Many lost their jobs, but most stayed, thankful to be doing something more lucrative with their lives.

  Damn! I’ve got to get my mind straight here. I’m thinking about the club while I’m heading to say my vows. What kind of screwed up shit is that?

  I shake my head and look straight ahead. That’s the moment my eyes collide with his. It’s like an electric current sparked between us, linking us soul to soul. My feet begin to move of their own accord, pulling me faster, complaining there’s too much space between us until finally, we’re standing toe to toe at last.

  The reverend speaks up, but my eyes are glued on Cory. It should be a sin to look as hot as he does. The way he looks at me gives me butterflies, still even after so many years together he stops my heart with just one look…. I never want him to stop.