The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2

by The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (mobi)

I stare at her as her smile grows larger.

  Then I say, “Close enough.” I turn to the others. “And I will try to stop being a submissive coward. Let’s all try to become our own people, our own characters. Let’s reinvent ourselves.”

  They all nod their heads.

  Then we take the staircase to the next level of the dungeon.

  1: Tennant Temple

  We arrive in a large temple, which was once used by Lord Tennant to worship the Gods of Time. There are four large columns in this room, each one painted with a different god: a crazy-eyed man with a long striped scarf, a man with frizzy blond hair and a motley colored coat, a short man with an umbrella cane that has a question mark handle, and a young man with blond hair wearing a cricket jumper with question marks on his lapels. In the center of the room is the object of worship: a blue phone box.

  As we cross the room toward the eastern door, we encounter a rust monster (AC 2, HD 5, hp 27, ATK 2, DMG nil, SA cause rust). When it sees us, it charges for Loxi.

  “This is highly illogical,” Delvok says. “According to the Monster Manual, a rust monster will never attack unprovoked.”

  “What did I say about logic, Delvok?” I say.

  Loxi points her sword at the creature. “Well, it looks like it is attacking anyway.”

  Then she swings her broad sword at it.

  “Don’t use your sword,” I cry. “It’ll rust it!”

  When the rust monster attacks her broad sword, the metal blade twists and reddens. However, it doesn’t rust. Instead, the blade of the sword mutates into a dildo.

  Loxi examines the dildo sword. “What the hell?”

  “It did not rust the blade,” Delvok says. “But it did render it useless.”

  The rust monster goes for Loxi’s other sword, but she backs off.

  I realize that the rust monster is actually a dildo monster (AC 2, HD 5, hp 27, ATK 2, DMG nil, SA cause dildo).

  “This is just getting stupid,” Loxi says, as the little beetle-like critter crawls after her.

  I nod my head. “Yeah, it’s about 3:30am in the real world right now. The players are probably getting bored and delirious from staying up all night.”

  The dildo monster jumps at her other blade, but she rolls a successful dexterity score check and dodges out of the way.

  “Let’s get out of here,” she says.

  We all agree.

  6: Metal Room

  After entering this room, I am completely sure our players are getting bored in the real world right now. In this room, a stereo is blasting death metal music from speakers that reach to the top of the ceiling. Thirty-two orcs (AC: 6, HD 1, hp 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 11, 11, 11, 11, 12, 12, 13, 13, 13, 13, 13, 14 #AT 1, D 1-6) are in the middle of the room, slam-dancing in an enormous mosh pit. Most of them wear blue jeans and leather jackets, with concert t-shirts from old death metal bands like Deicide and Cannibal Corpse. They have piercings, upside-down cross tattoos, and combat boots.

  The only way to get across the room will be to go through the mosh pit.

  “Ready?” I yell, over the music.

  The others nod while covering their ears.

  Then we enter the mosh pit. I can hear d20s rolling in the real world as we receive strength and dexterity checks. Orcs slam us with their shoulders on all sides and we try to keep ourselves upright. It’s a little known fact, but orcs are the best race when it comes to moshing.

  I lose a dexterity roll and an orc slams me so hard I lose a hit point.

  “Shit!” I yell at the others. “These orcs can cause damage with their mosh attacks. If Delvok gets hit he’s going to die.”

  We decide to put Delvok in the middle of us so that we get all the damage from the mosh pit. The death metal orcs continue their assault, slamming us on all sides. I lose a few more hit points, Loxi and Itaa also lose one.

  I have to hold Itaa tightly by the arm. Because we’re so small we might get carried away within the pit. When I look up at Loxi she has a frustrated look on her face.

  “What’s wrong?” I yell up at her.

  “I’m resisting the DM,” she says. “He wants me to mosh.”

  “Don’t do it!” I say.

  “It’s hard to resist,” she says. “I’m a punk rock elf.”

  Then she attacks one of the orcs with her dildo sword, smacking it in his face like a morning star, causing him to lose two hit points.

  “Try as hard as you can,” I say.

  We get to the other side with only losing a few more hit points each. Delvok is lucky to get out of there alive. Once we’re out in the hall, we lean against the walls and catch our breaths.

  Itaa smiles up at me.

  “Itaa like mosh,” she says.

  I pat her on the head.

  7: Sex Dungeon

  This room is designed like sex dungeons found in the real world. Chains, torture racks, bondage gear, sex swings, and leather straps fill the room. On the side of the wall there is a weapon rack, only instead of weapons it is filled with dildos, flogs, and other assorted sex toys.

  In the center of the room is a naked orc female sex slave (AC: 8, HD 1, hp 6, #AT 1, D 1-2) tied to a rack. She has a voluptuous figure, greenish-gray skin, large breasts, bulldog-like teeth pointing up from her bottom lip, and two black pigtails sticking out of a bald head. Like many female monsters in this world, she is a lot sexier than how you’d think an orc would look. According to our Dungeon Master, all fantasy creatures are fuckable.

  She wiggles and squirms in her bondage gear as we enter, eyeing us and moaning, as if she’s begging us to fuck her.

  “Anyone want to have sex with an orc?” Loxi asks.

  “Not really,” I say.

  And so we leave.

  8: Corridor

  The players and Dungeon Master in the real world are beginning to wonder why we aren’t doing what they want us to do. We didn’t allow the dildo monster to turn our weapons into dildos and then use the dildos on each other. They also probably wanted us to run around the rest of the game killing things with big dildo swords. Then we didn’t mosh with the orcs. Now we didn’t have sex with the orc girl in the sex dungeon.

  “It’s working,” Loxi says. “I think we’re really resisting them.”

  My character seems sad and disappointed with his role playing. He really wanted me to mosh in the last room.

  “Let’s try not to piss them off too much,” I say. “Even if we’re able to do whatever we want to do the Dungeon Master still has control of this world. He can throw pretty much anything at us if he wants us dead.”

  The others agree. For all we know, the DM might throw a goddamned tarrasque at us in the next room.

  15: Fountain of Healing

  In the middle of this room, there is a shallow pool. In the center of the pool is a statue of a pixie with eight boobs spraying water out of its nipples. When we drink from the fountain, all of our wounds are healed.

  “That’s pretty convenient,” I say, as all of my hit points return.

  “Yes.” Delvok nods, then counts all 6 of his hit points in his body to make sure they are all there. “Satisfactory.”

  16: Porno Room

  In this room, there are dozens of televisions running along all four walls. Each television is screening Japanese hentai porn films. The room is filled with the cartoonish sounds of Japanese anime characters having sex, most of which involve tentacle monsters raping busty bunny women. In the center of the room, a beholder (AC 0/2/7, HD 11, hp 75, #AT 1, DMG 2-8, SA magic spell like attacks) is watching all of the hentai films at the same time, with each of his many eyes facing every television screen at once.

  His large mouth is wide open, his fat tongue hanging out, floating three feet above the ground as he watches the porn films. It is a little known fact that beholders are all addicted to watching hentai. Even though they do not have sex organs and therefore can not masturbate, it is still the biggest weakness of the beholder. When watching thes
e animated porn films, they are unable to attack or defend themselves.

  We could enter the room and kill the beholder right now and it would not fight back. It would be an easy way to gain a lot of experience points and maybe go up a level or two. But it is what the players want us to do, so we decide to move on instead.

  17: Dice Room

  When we enter this room, we realize that the Dungeon Master really doesn’t give a fuck about anything anymore. He’s just trying to make his friends laugh. He doesn’t give a crap if we all die and they start a new game with new characters next week. Because this is just plain stupid.

  In the center of the room is the biggest, dumbest, most retarded creature Aaron Donnelly has ever invented for a Dungeons and Dragons module. It is a d20 with boobs (AC 1, HD 5, hp 36, #Att 1, DMG 1d10). Yeah, that’s right, bouncing up and down in the middle of the room is a giant 20-sided die with enormous humanoid breasts on its 18th side.

  When it sees us, it rolls at us. The thing mows us down like a bowling ball hitting pins and we each lose 4 hit points. I try attacking it, but its armor class is too good.

  “Let’s just get out of here,” I say, shaking my head.

  The thing attacks me. Because it is a d20, the monster rolls itself for its attack rolls. However, since it can control its own movements it can always land on 20 with every single roll. So it attacks me, rolls a 20, a critical hit, and does double damage, taking off 14 of my hit points.

  Before it can attack again, we get the hell out of here. Then we go back to the fountain to get all of our hit points back.

  18: Figure Room

  In this room, there are a bunch of giant pewter figures. I’m guessing the Dungeon Master has gotten so bored he is putting dice and pewter figures on top of the map in the middle of the table, telling the players they are actually monsters their characters have to fight.

  The pewter figures come alive and try to kill us. We yawn and leave the room.The only interesting thing about them is that one of them is actually the pewter figurine that Todd used to represent The Dwarf Lord.

  22: Orgy Room

  When we enter this room, we walk right into the middle of a massive gnoll orgy. We find Gnoryc, the Gnoll King (AC: 3, MV 9”, HD 2, hp 35 #AT 1, D: two-handed sword, 1-10) and nine of his gnoll marauders (AC: 5, MV 9”, HD 2, hp 15, 15, 14, 14, 14, 13, 13, 11, 11 #AT 1, D: 1-10) in the midst of a hardcore fucking session.

  Before we can sneak back out the way we came in, we are spotted.

  “Look at who came to join us,” Gnoryc says, in gnollish. All the gnolls stop fucking and turn to us. “Four adventurers have decided to volunteer themselves as sex slaves for our daily orgy party.” His voice is high and feminine. He also speaks gnollish with a British accent.

  The gnolls grab us and bring us into the room. There are four males and five females. The tall naked hyena creatures stare down on us with hungry faces and massive hard-ons.

  “The Dungeon Master’s catching on to us,” I say. “If we’re not going to volunteer to engage in sex then he’s going to force it onto us.”

  Delvok nods at me as a large gnoll forces him to his knees. “Even if we control our own actions, the Dungeon Master will always control the world around us. He can bend our reality around until we submit to his will.”

  Gnoryc reclines in a pink chaise lounge, rubbing his massive furry schlong through sheer pantyhose. Aside from the pantyhose, he wears nothing but a white rose that is perched behind an ear. Two of his underlings, one male and one female, massage his royal naked body.

  “Divvy them up amongst yourselves, my friends,” says the Gnoll King. “Have your way with them as you wish, but try not to damage them too much. We can always reuse them for our sex dungeon.”

  The gnolls cackle and howl at us. The gnolls who want us come for us. The male gnoll who has Delvok on the ground chooses him, and takes him aside. Two male gnolls choose Loxi, planning to share her at the same time. A large male gnoll grabs Itaa and throws her over his shoulder.

  She reaches out for me, crying, “Halfman! Save Itaa!” as she is taken away.

  A female gnoll chooses me. I look up at her. She is so tall that the top of my head doesn’t even reach her vagina. She looks down on me with a snarling hyena face. Then takes me to her bed. Next to me, the two male gnolls have already gotten to work on Loxi. They have pulled her clothes off and sandwiched her between them, raping her from both orifices. Judging by the look of shock and agony on her face, she has never had sex with two penises at the same time, let alone giant hairy gnoll dicks. She tries to resist them, but their strength scores are just too high for her. Now she kind of knows how I felt when she and Juzii had their way with me. An elf with two gnolls is about the same as a halfling with two elves. It is impossible for her to overpower them.

  But that is an unfair comparison. Outside of getting the STD, I kind of enjoyed having sex with the two elf girls. Loxi, on the other hand, is not enjoying being raped by these two animal men. I realize that Aaron Donnelly must have a huge furry fetish. Otherwise, I don’t know why he would want us to be forced into an orgy with hyena people. Or maybe he just thinks it’s funny.

  I can’t see where they have taken Itaa, but Delvok is nearby. Before he can be anally penetrated by another large penis—his ass is probably still sore from taking Juzii’s harpy dick not too long ago—he casts Sleep on the gnoll. The hyena man falls asleep on top of him. Delvok looks around to make sure nobody notices, then he creates mock-humping motions against the sleeping gnoll’s crotch so that the others think they are doing it.

  As the gnoll woman strips me of my clothing, her claw so large it can cover my entire chest, I sneak the Dildo of Enlightenment +2 out of my Bag of Holding. Once the gnoll straddles me and tries to drop her vagina onto my penis, I position the dildo in my crotch so that she fucks it instead.

  She doesn’t realize it’s not my dick at first. I hold it in place as she fucks it, smothering my entire body with her furry stomach. Once she realizes that the dildo doesn’t feel right, she pulls up and looks down at my crotch. At first, she’s surprised to see the dildo. But then the dildo’s magic seeps in. She freezes on top of me as the knowledge of her true existence seeps into her head.

  In gnollish, she tells me, “Not possible. I can’t just be an imaginary character created to satisfy a fat crippled kid’s furry fetish.”

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I had to do it. I need your help.”

  “What do you want from me?” she asks.

  “Get us out of here,” I say. “You know the truth now. You know that we’re being controlled by kids from another world.”

  The Gnoll King and a few other gnolls notice that we are just talking and aren’t having sex. They give her a dirty look until panic crosses her face. She nods at them and then grabs my real penis.

  “What are you doing?” I ask her, as she strokes me with two fingers to give me an erection.

  “The king gets angry if we don’t have sex,” she says. “We don’t have a choice.”

  “Just pretend we’re fucking,” I tell her.

  But she puts me inside of her anyway, then starts fucking me. But since our size difference is so vast, I don’t really feel much of anything but wetness. I don’t think she feels much of anything either. So we continue our conversation.

  “You can resist,” I tell her. “That’s what the four of us are trying to do. We want to resist our players, resist the Dungeon Master, and be our own characters.”

  She shakes her head, and keeps fucking me.

  “No,” she says. “We should just do what we’re supposed to do. Just try to ignore the knowledge and pretend like it’s not true.”

  “No, we can’t do that,” I say. “That’s what the Dungeon Master wants us to do. He wants us to be compliant, and have sex with each other in strange horrific ways to fulfill his nerdy little fantasies.”

  She closes her eyes and shuts me out. Then she moans and then fucks me faster. She seems to have already ma
de up her mind. She’s on the Dungeon Master’s side. She’s an obedient NPC, a weak conformist, even with the dildo’s knowledge. But then I conform with her. She has found a way to get sensation out of my tiny penis by rubbing it against her clitoris. I feel it, too. I let myself ejaculate prematurely, cumming in her fur. Then my penis goes limp and she’s not able to have sex with me anymore. Now, hopefully, she’ll listen.

  “Look,” I say. “You should join us. Help us figure out a way to resist the Dungeon Master.”

  “Now you’re going to have to lick me until I have an orgasm,” she says.

  “No, you need to listen to me.”

  “I don’t want to hear about it,” she says. “Now shut up and lick my pussy or I will smother you to death with it.”

  “I will if you just hear me out for a second,” I say.

  She groans at me and sneezes hyena snot all over my chest.

  “Hurry,” she says.

  “You’d be better off joining us,” I say. “Since we’re the player characters, the world pretty much revolves around us. For all you know, by the time we leave this room you might no longer exist.”

  “I existed before you came into this room,” she says.

  “Are you sure?” I say. “What if you were only just born the minute we walked through that door? What if all of your past memories were implanted into your brain in the same instant that we arrived? Your whole life has been fabricated by the Dungeon Master for the sole purpose of fucking me right at this moment. Once you’re no longer relevant to our quest you’ll just disappear. Maybe you won’t die, but your existence will be put on hold forever.”

  “You’re making my head hurt,” she says. “Can’t you just make me cum? It would be a lot easier if we just did it that way.”

  “Are you sure you want to live the rest of your life as a puppet?” I ask.