A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

“Seriously, Gabby. What do you want for Christmas?”

  “Nothing. I don’t need anything. I already got the bestest friend in the world. That’s all I need.” I looped my arm into his and looked up at him. Just when I was coming to terms that we were just friends and I was perfectly okay with it, he would have to flash me that beautiful panty-dropping smile that made me feel otherwise.

  “Hey, Will, do you know how to ice skate?”

  He looked at me strangely. “Yeah, why?”

  “Well, that can be my Christmas present.”

  “What?”

  “Come ice skating with me. Every year at Christmas, my dad and I would go to Rockefeller Center to skate.” I smiled widely just remembering all of those Christmases from so long ago. “I miss it.”

  “If it means we're done shopping, then I'm up for it, but does it have to be Rockefeller Center? I know a place that's a lot less crowded.”

  “Okay!”

  We walked out to his jeep and threw all of the bags in the back. I held on to the bag containing the presents for Grace, and began looking through it once we were on our way. “You know, I think I would still play with dolls if I wouldn’t be deemed a little weird for doing it,” I said, looking over all of the dolls and clothing for them that I had picked out.

  “Too late. You already are a little weird so you may as well play with them,” he smirked, looking over at me for one brief second.

  “She's my favorite,” I said, examining the beautiful angel doll with porcelain skin, ruby red lips, and the most elaborate set of wings adorned with pearls and Swarovski crystals.

  “Oh, yeah? Why is that?”

  “Because I love angels. They're real, you know.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Okay. Whatever you say, Gabby girl.”

  “They are, Will. Take it from someone who knows.”

  “Oh, yeah? Humor me. How do you know?”

  I bit my lip and shook my head, fighting the tears as I thought back to “my angel”. I wasn't ready to share that with Will just yet. “I just do,” I whispered, quickly wiping the tear that was rolling down my face.

  “Well, you don't have to cry about it,” he teased.

  I quickly pulled it together. “I'm not crying. I got something in my eye…you ass.” I stared out the window. He could laugh at me all that he wanted, but no one was ever going to tell me they weren't real. I looked over at him once again, wondering if he knew that he was quickly becoming another angel in my life.

  “Do you ever leave Brooklyn?” Gabby teased as we pulled into the parking lot of the outdoor ice rink.

  “Not if I can help it. Besides, Manhattan is crazy this time of year.”

  She raised her eyebrow. “Manhattan is crazy any time of year.”

  “Well, yeah, but more so at Christmas. Besides, this place just opened up. It’s only fifteen minutes from my place so if you fall down and hurt yourself, we won't have far to go.”

  She giggled. “Excuse me, but you are looking at the junior ice skating trophy recipient of nineteen ninety-seven. So I think it may be you that may need to be rushed back to your place for first aid.”

  “Not a chance, Gabby, I played ice hockey my whole life. I got some broken bones to prove it.”

  “Well, then we should have a great time!” She smiled.

  After standing in line for what seemed like forever, we were finally lacing up our skates. “Ready?” Gabby asked, standing up on unsteady feet, trying her best to balance herself on her blades.

  “Oh, what's the matter, Olympic skater? Having a hard time walking on those skates?”

  “Well, duh. We’re not on the ice yet!”

  I stood up, trying my best to walk normal so she couldn’t make a wise ass comment back at me. Stepping out on the ice, I took her hand. “Come on, little girl. Let’s see what you got.”

  She looked around the rink and sighed. “Darn!”

  “What's the matter?”

  “Well, it's much too crowded for me to start doing my triple axels,” she giggled. “Oh, well. Another time!” She took off skating as fast as she could, finally slowing down and allowing me to catch up with her. “Pretty slow for a hockey player,” she teased.

  “Yeah, well, that was many moons ago.”

  Her smile didn't leave her face the entire time we were skating. “This brings back so many memories.”

  “It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?”

  “Oh, come on, Will. You don't have something from your childhood that makes you think back to it and smile?” I shrugged. “Come on. You can tell me,” she pleaded, turning around and skating backwards so that she was facing me.

  “Going to my very first Rangers game with my dad. I was eight, and it was just him and me. It was a great night,” I finally muttered, reluctantly.

  “You know, it's never too late to make another memory.” I looked at her, confused. “You're very lucky to still have your dad. You should do that again with him, just like you did back when you were eight.”

  I laughed at the mere thought of it. “I can't be in the same room with my old man for longer than five minutes, and you expect me to sit through a hockey game with him? No thanks.” She stopped skating for a second and stared up at me as the sounds of the blades scraping the ice echoed around us. “Umm, do you want us to get knocked on our asses?” I asked, watching the people flying by us.

  “Well, maybe it would do you some good and knock some sense into you.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “Just stop being so stubborn. He's your dad,” she said as she started skating again.

  “Okay. What about you and your mom?”

  “Oh, Will, you saw my mom in action. There is no comparison between the two.” I had to admit, she was right about that. Her mom was a first class bitch. “You know, a few days before my father died, we had a big argument because he found out I was still seeing some boy that he didn’t approve of after I lied to him and told him that I wasn’t.” She shook her head and I could tell that it was taking everything inside of her not to cry. “I told him I hated him. That he treated me like a baby.” She wiped the tear that was flowing down her face. “I would give anything to have him here now, treating me like a baby. I just don't want you to regret it years from now.”

  I gave her a sympathetic smile and gently took her hand. “Thanks, Gabby girl, but I'll be fine.”

  “Okay. I’m done lecturing you. Now, let's skate,” she said, quickly pulling herself together and grabbing on to my hand tightly, willing me to keep up with her, which I was having no problem doing. We had gotten a quarter of the way around the rink when she let go of my hand and sped up. I watched from behind as she had to quickly slow down to avoid crashing into another skater, and her feet got tangled up. I knew that there was no way she was going to avoid going down so I tried my best to catch up and grab on to her before she landed on her ass, but it was too late.

  “And she loses the gold!” I teased as I extended my hand to her. She yanked on my arm, causing me to fall down right beside her. We both began to laugh hysterically, ignoring all of the other skaters veering out of the way to avoid running over us.

  “Sir, can you please help your wife up and clear the area?” one of the employees said as they skated by us.

  “Hey, get it right. I'm not his wife. I'm his sister!” Gabby shouted, causing us both to start laughing again. The man gave us a disgruntled look before shaking his head and skating off. I finally stood up and extended my hand out to her once again.

  “Ouch!” she said as she pulled herself up, rubbing her ass. “My butt hurts!”

  “Aw, poor baby! Do you want me to kiss it and make it all better?”

  “No, but you know what will make it feel better? Hot chocolate.” Actually, the thought of kissing her ass got me a little more excited than the hot chocolate, but I wasn’t going to let her know that.

  We took off our skates and went inside. Gabby was playing around on her phone as we sat an
d drank our hot chocolate. “Oh, my god. Look at this text my mother sent me. She is out of her mind,” she said, handing me the phone.

  Having our annual Christmas party on the 17th. Would love for my one and only daughter to be in attendance. Please call or email to RSVP.

  “Please call or email to RSVP? Do you think ‘fuck you’ would be an appropriate response?” Her voice was a blend of hurt and anger. I handed her phone back to her when it began vibrating with an incoming call.

  “Who the heck is this?” she asked, looking at the display on her screen. “Oh, maybe it’s my mom’s party planner?” she joked.

  She reluctantly answered and I watched as a smile spread across her face. “Oh, hey. How are you?” I pulled out my phone and checked my messages, trying to keep myself occupied while she carried on her conversation. “Oh yeah. That would be great!” she said, stretching out her words, sounding a little too enthusiastic and letting out a fake giggle that caused me to look up from my phone and crease my forehead at her. She waved her hand in the air at me and continued talking in a sickening sweet voice. “Okay, great. I’ll text you my address. K. ‘Bye.”

  The smile was still plastered on her face even after she hung up. “K. ‘Bye.” I mimicked her, right down to her fake smile. “Who was that?”

  “Nobody,” she smirked

  “Nobody? You don’t talk like Mickey Mouse for just nobody.”

  “He’s a blind date and maybe, just maybe, the guy that’s going to help me get back in the game.”

  “What game?”

  She cleared her throat. “Umm… Will, do you, of all people, need to ask that question?”

  I could feel my eyes widen. “What? Oh no, Gabby. You can’t be serious.”

  “Why can’t I be? Just because I’m a woman? It’s perfectly fine for men to have meaningless sex, but when a woman does, it’s wrong? I mean, look at the chickie’s you sleep with. If they all thought that way, you and your hand would be best friends!”

  My stomached churned. Just the thought of her having a one-night thing with a guy made me nuts. I took a deep breath, trying to disguise my disdain. “Gabby, you are not like those girls. Don’t lump yourself in that group.”

  I watched as the faint smile that she had on her face quickly disappeared. “Of course I’m not, Will. I don’t have double D boobs, a flawless body, and look like I could be on the cover of a magazine. I already know that. You don’t need to remind me.” There was a painful tone to her voice that was tearing me up inside. Did she really think those women were better than her?

  “Gabby, that is not what I meant, at all. You are so much better than that. So much better than them.” She took a sip of her hot chocolate and looked away. Reaching over the table, I took her hand in mine and waited until she looked up. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt, Gabby. That’s all.”

  “I’ll be fine,” she said, forcing a smile. It was a smile that had so much pain written all over it that I could feel my heart being torn to shreds just looking at her.

  Six more hours to go and I would be off for four glorious days. I had talked to my “blind date”…a.k.a., Gene Murphy, C.P.A…twice throughout the week, and he seemed like an okay guy. The big date was planned for tomorrow night and I got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. It had been well over three years since I had gone on a date and I was definitely out of practice with that, as well as “other things”. Every time I would bring it up to Will, he would get short with me or just totally walk away as if he was disinterested. I didn’t know what his problem was. I wasn’t a child, and I certainly knew how to handle myself with a guy. I appreciated his protectiveness, but it wasn’t warranted. I was two hours behind schedule and finally heading to the cafeteria to grab some much needed lunch. My appetite instantly went away and I felt sick to my stomach when I saw my mother standing by the nurse’s station.

  “I have nothing to say to you!” I snapped, trying my best to keep my voice down and not make a scene at work.

  “Gabby, please. Don’t do this.”

  Looking around and making sure that no one was within earshot, I let her have it. “I didn’t do anything. You did. You defended that scumbag and made it look like it was my fault. What kind of mother -?” I had to stop myself. I knew that I was going to have a complete and utter meltdown right there in the middle of the floor, and I didn’t want that to happen. My heart was racing just as much as my legs to get to the elevator. I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes when she followed me in.

  “Gabby, I didn’t mean anything by that. It just came out wrong.”

  “It came out wrong? It shouldn’t have come out at all. Look, I’m hungry. I only have a few minutes to throw something down my throat, and I really can’t do this with you right now.”

  She followed me into the cafeteria. I dished out my soup, grabbed a drink, and paid the cashier, the whole time pretending like she wasn’t there. After slamming my tray down on the table, hoping that she would get the hint, I realized that it was just useless. “What do you want from me?” I asked, finally looking into her cold, brown eyes.

  “Gabby, I haven’t heard from you in months. You haven’t returned my calls or my texts. It would be nice to know that you were still alive.”

  “What the hell do you care? If I listened to you, I’d still be getting my face bashed in by some arrogant, fuckin’ prick just because he has money.”

  She cringed at my language, looking around to make sure that no one else heard. “Gabby, I was wrong for saying that. I’m sorry for what he did to you. You didn’t deserve it.” I was still having a hard time believing that there was any authenticity in her words. “I really want you to come to the Christmas party. I miss you.” She pulled a tissue from her purse and dabbed her eyes. The funny thing was, I didn’t see any tears. “Look, I know I haven’t been the best mother in the world to you, but I still love you and worry about you. I want to start over going into the new year. I want to be the mom that you deserve.” I nearly choked on my soup. I wanted to ask her who this woman was and what did she do with the real Jackie French? “Please, Gabby. Say that you’ll come.” She reached over the table and took my free hand as I stared at her in disbelief. My mother never begged anyone, especially me. It was either do as she said or don’t do at all.

  “I don’t know. I have to see what my schedule is like,” I said, wondering if the word “sucker” was flashing across my forehead.

  “Well, it’s two nights away. You don’t know what you schedule is like yet?” she said with a raise of her eyebrow.

  “Well, Mom, despite what you may think, I have a life, too, you know.” What if my blind date and I fall madly in love tomorrow night and just happen to decide to elope on Saturday? Strangely, that idea sounded less crazy to me than my mother actually caring enough to show up, groveling, at my work.

  “Well, I’m really hoping that you can make it.” I nodded and continued slurping down my soup, hoping that she would get up now that she had said her peace.

  “So, what’s new with you, Gabby? Where are you living?” Damn it. Not so lucky!

  “With a friend in Brooklyn.”

  “Brooklyn?!” I could almost see her nose turning up. I put my head back down and laughed silently. Nope, no one kidnapped her. This was the same pretentious woman I had known my entire life.

  “Well, does this friend have a name?” she asked.

  “Yup, he does. Can you believe that, Mom?” She ignored my sarcasm and waited for me to divulge the name. “His name is Will.”

  “Oh,” she said, shaking her head. “And what does he do for a living?”

  “Nothing that you’d approve of.”

  “Damn it, Gabby. Stop being so cynical. I’m trying here, and you’re not making it very easy.”

  “He’s a fireman.”

  Her eyes widened. “Oh, well. That’s a good, comfortable job.” I snickered under my breath at her fakeness.

  “And, just for the record, he’
s not my boyfriend.”

  “Well, feel free to bring him to the party, if you’d like.” I nearly spit my water out at the thought of Will hobnobbing with all of my mother’s and her husband’s uppity friends.

  “Oh, no. I’m sure he’s already got plans.”

  “Oh, yeah. He probably works a lot on the weekends with a job like that,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  “A job like what, Mom? A blue collar job where you actually have to earn your money, instead of barking out orders to everyone else and making millions. Well, let me tell you, I’d rather have a job like mine or Will’s any day. Helping people is much more rewarding than any amount of money that you could ever receive. You should try it sometime. You might actually like it.” I knew I was being a bitch, but I couldn’t help myself. I had thirty-one years of pent up aggression toward her and, right now, I was in complete defense mode.

  “Gabby Lynn, why do you always have to be such a smart mouth?” she asked through clenched teeth.

  “Because that’s the way my dad raised me.” I glared at her over my water bottle.

  I was relieved when she finally stood up. “I’m not going to get into it with you. I came here to ask for your presence at the party and, hopefully, make amends. I can see that we still need to work on that. I’m hoping, in time, that we can.” She leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. “Hope to see you Saturday night,” she said before slipping her Birkin bag over her wrist and walking away.

  “Hey, don’t forget Kroger’s bachelor party tomorrow night,” Peterson said as we were walking out of the station.

  “Yeah, I know. Eight o’clock, right?”

  A huge grin stretched across his face. “Yeah. It’s gonna be a wild time! We’re meeting at Clancy’s and then we’ll head out from there.”

  “Alright, see ya then.” I got into my jeep to head home.

  Gabby and I had been working opposite schedules for the past week and I was finding that I was really missing hanging out with her. I had never needed a woman in my life before, except in a sexual way. But being with Gabby over these past few months, I was finding that I did need her and it didn’t have anything to do with sex. I missed her when she wasn’t around…her laugh, her smile, her wise ass comments, and just spending time with her. Sometimes it was just hanging out and watching a movie, or having her crazy ass wake me up at the crack of dawn to go for a walk with her in the freezing cold. She’d usually blow all of the calories that she had just burned walking by stopping off at the coffee shop and ordering a double cinnamon latte with extra whipped cream. Crazy girl she was, but she was my crazy girl.