Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  “Depends.” Noel shrugged.

  “You win her back.”

  He was taken by surprise at James’s request.

  “I see the way my daughter looks at you and it’s you she loves. She’s been infatuated with you since you were kids. You both have obstacles but they can be overcome. Just be patient with her. She’s been waiting a long time for you, Nolan. Whether she realises it or not.” There was a firm nod from James and he stood up from his seat. “Just promise you’ll love her. Clara deserves that. I know her fiancé can but it’s not the love her heart needs. It’s the love her head wants. Make my daughter happy,” James said with a sad smile.

  “I’ve unknowingly loved your daughter my entire life, James. I’ll find a way back into her heart and make myself worthy of her love.” They were promises he’d fulfill and never break. He was sure of it.

  “Then I know she’s in safe hands.” James nodded and walked towards the exit. Noel sat there stunned. James Lawrence was not the man Noel believed him to be. He loved his daughter and wanted her happy.

  I’ll find a way to make her happy. I just need to make this chance count.

  ⌘

  Noel held a small plastic bag of chips and fruit in one hand and Clara’s tea in the other. He stood in the elevator alone as it moved up the levels of the hospital. Noel had James’s blessing to love his daughter. Although he didn’t like that James was not open about his love for his daughter, Noel understood. Gillian was not a woman to displease, but he wished James would leave his wife.

  Just as he stepped out of the elevator his phone vibrated in his pocket. Noel juggled the tea in one hand as he fished for his phone. He continued to walk until he was near Alex’s room and pulled it out. He looked at his caller ID and frowned. The guilt in him burned as he pressed answer.

  “Andrea, hey,” he greeted as best as he could.

  “I’ve been trying to call you for days. Is everything okay?” she asked worriedly.

  Noel realised in his haste to get to New Haven, he never told Andrea where he was going. Sighing, he gripped the phone tighter.

  “I’m in New Haven,” he said.

  “What are you doing in Connecticut?” He heard the surprise in her voice.

  “Alex and Keira were on their way to Boston when…” Noel stopped. The anger in him started to burn his eyes. They didn’t deserve to be in those hospital beds.

  “Oh my God, no!” She gasped.

  “Alex is in a coma and Keira is broken up.”

  “Do you need me to be there?” Andrea asked.

  “No, stay with your family. Listen, Andrea, we need—” The sounds of loud frantic beats caught his attention. He looked around and noticed nurses running towards him. He stepped towards Alex’s door and saw the machines flash.

  “Alex!” Clara shrieked.

  The beeps grew louder and Noel watched nurses enter the room.

  “No, please! I can’t leave him!” A nurse tried to pull Clara away from the bed.

  “You need to leave, please, Miss Lawrence,” the nurse begged.

  “Noel,” she cried out for him and it hit him hard.

  His feet were running to her before he could process another thought.

  “Jesus. Clara!” His heart constricted at the sound of her begs and pleas to the nurses.

  “Noel, what’s going on?” Andrea’s voice didn’t stop him.

  “I’m sorry, Andy. Clara needs me!” He hung up and ran to Clara.

  “Code Blue. South Pavilion, fifth floor, Room two,” paged throughout the hospital and a cardiac arrest team entered the room.

  Noel wrapped his arms around Clara as she tried to hold on to Alex’s hand, her cries drowned by the beeping of the machines.

  “No. Let me go, Noel. Let me go! Al-Alex. Save him! Please save him!” Clara cried.

  “Noel, get her out of her!” Morgan yelled out.

  He nodded.

  “No! I’m not leaving him. I won’t leave him, please. Please, Noel. Let me stay. Alex, wake up! Wake up!” Clara screamed and thrashed.

  “Not responsive,” a doctor announced. “Get me the defibrillator, two hundred joules,” he instructed the nurse and she wheeled the defibrillator to the bed.

  Morgan took the bag and take out cup from Noel’s hand and he lifted the thrashing Clara in his arms and out of the ICU room.

  “Alex, you can’t leave me! You can’t leave me!” Clara cried as he carried her out of the room.

  When the door closed behind him and the curtain covered the glass window he set Clara down.

  “I hate you,” Clara screamed and punched his chest. “I hate you so much!”

  Tears roll down his face as he heard the sound of the doctor yell out, “Clear.”

  Before Clara could land another fist on his chest he brought her in and wrapped his arms around her. She clung on to his chest and cried. He held her tightly, wishing he could take away her pain.

  “He’s going to be okay,” he tried to assure her.

  Noel held her tightly, afraid to let her go and afraid that she’d see the fear he was trying to hide. The longer they waited, the more Clara held him tightly and cried into his chest. After sometime the noise in Alex’s room silenced and the sound of Alex’s door closing had Clara pulling away from him. She walked towards the grim looking doctor and Noel followed her. He was scared for her and terrified of what he’d reveal to them.

  “Your brother is stable for now. His heart went into cardiac arrest. We’ll need to do some scans immediately. We need to make sure the swelling is down. Be mindful that Alex’s injuries are severe. The next twenty-four hours are crucial. The nurse will tell you when you can see him, but right now we need to run the test,” the doctor said.

  The sheer relief from the doctor’s words was liberating. He hadn’t realised it, but he managed to finally breathe. His best friend was stable and he mentally thanked any and every higher power that would appreciate her gratitude.

  Noel took Clara’s hand in his. He needed to feel her touch again. He looked up to see Clara nodding as the tears slid down her face.

  “Thank you, doctor. Is Keira okay?” Clara asked.

  The doctor rubbed his forehead with his hands and let out a sigh. “She’s better than she was yesterday. If you’ll excuse me, I need to prep your brother’s cardiac CT. We’ll know more once we run the test.”

  “Thank you,” they both said.

  Alex’s doctor walked past them and Noel stared at the door. Inside his best friend lay. He would do anything to trade. Noel would give anything for Clara to have her brother back.

  “I can’t lose him. Why couldn’t it be me, Noel? Why can’t it be me! I deserve it more than he does. Why can’t it be me instead?” Clara asked.

  Noel let go of Clara’s hand and faced her. The defeated look in her eyes made his stomach churn. He placed his hands on her arms, ensuring she kept her eyes on his. The thought of Clara being in that made him sick and angry.

  Never Clara.

  “Don’t you ever say that, Clara! Don’t you fucking dare! I’d trade my life for yours and so would Alex. I’d be dying inside if it were you. I’m hurting that it’s Alex, but if it were you, Clara, I couldn’t live with myself. Right now, my life is empty without you. If you died, there would be no life without you. I love you more than life, Clara. He’s okay. Alex’s is going to be okay. Don’t you ever think like that again! I love you for God’s sake!” The ache in his chest made its way his throat, making it impossible to breathe. Tears slid down her face.

  “It should be me, Noel. I—”

  Noel quickly cupped her face and his lips found hers, silencing her and pouring his love and absolute soul into hers. His heart could take no more at the thought of a life without her on this earth, even if she chose Liam. Earth was heaven when Clara’s life graced its surface. He let impulse take over and the only way to shut her up was just like their first kiss. He hoped his kiss would remove at least a single inch of pain from her heart.

&nb
sp; His chest imploded at the feel of her lips moving against his. It was beautiful, heartbreakingly sad and moving. These were the pair he loved more than any other. He kissed her for dear life and waited for her to pull away. Instead Clara brought her hands to his waist and depended their kiss. Each movement of her mouth mended and broke his heart, feeling every inch of sadness and pain. Their tongues found each other in a familiar dance of need and desire. He savoured the soft moan that escaped her as his heart beat violently against his ribcage. More. He wanted more. He wanted to make love to her. Keep her in his arms until the last star in the universe burned out.

  I can’t have her. She’s Liam. She’s hurt. I can’t have her this way.

  Clara’s tears hit his hand and Noel regretfully pulled back. The moment her lips left his he already missed them. His hands never left Clara’s face as his wiped her tears away. That one heartbreaking kiss confirmed it all. She was the only one he’d love. No one else mattered. He just hoped Clara came to the same conclusion.

  “I can’t imagine a life without your smile, whether it’s directed at me or not. I will never know a greater love than the love I’ve held for you. It’ll never change. My love for you is eternal and forever, without the concept of time or place. It’s you, Clara. It's always been you,” he whispered and rested his forehead against hers.

  Clara’s eyes fluttered close and she wrapped her arms around his waist.

  In this moment, I’m hers again.

  I love you.

  Three words she wanted to say but they weren’t the right circumstances for it to be said out loud. The reality of it was she wasn’t sure how she felt. His lips were perfect and made her heart burn with such passion it terrified her. His words sliced her heart open leaving her to bleed. Noel ran his thumb along her bottom lip. She opened her eyes and stared into his green eyes, hoping they’d offer a way into his thoughts.

  “That can’t happen again, Noel.” As much as she wanted it to, it couldn’t. The moment got to them both and he had acted on impulse. A kiss she dreamed of. But inside her heart screamed ‘yes,’ while her head screamed ‘cheater.’

  Noel kissed her, but she didn’t stop it right away. Unanswered emotions stopped her from pulling away. She was confused. She was losing her brother and she accepted Noel’s kiss. Her heart yearned for more but it was the same heart that was dying at the idea of losing her brother.

  “I know,” he sighed as he brushed her hair back. “But I can’t ignore that it happened,” he added.

  Noel wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back into his hard chest. Clara’s heart stretched painfully. She had gotten the kiss she dreamed of, the mouth she yearned for and the touch her heart craved for. His lips made her feel like forever was possible for them. Her heart didn’t want him to stop. It had been waiting almost a year for him.

  Clara stepped out of his arms. She breathed out to calm her erratic heartbeats and looked up at him. His green eyes were like emeralds submerged in water. Those were the eyes she had once wanted to look into when she walked down the aisle.

  Why can’t this be easy? Why am I so confused when it comes to him?

  “If I choose you…”

  Hope sparkled in his eyes and for a second she closed hers tightly before she looked back to see Noel’s frown.

  “I lose Liam,” she breathed out.

  “You lose him,” Noel agreed.

  “And if I choose Liam, I lose you. I don’t want to make a choice when I know it hurts someone I love. I’m not prepared to lose you again, but the thought of losing Liam kills me. I’m a terrible person for what I’m doing. I’m a horrible fiancée to him. If you never walked into my life, I’d be marrying the most wonderful person in the world. Why can’t I let you go?” she cried. It was a question she had asked herself many times since she ended them. “It’s not meant to break my heart every time I see you. It’s not meant to be this hard. I’m meant to be okay. I’m meant to be over you!”

  The frustration in her voice surprised her. He didn’t say anything. Clara noticed the hurt in his eyes and she blinked away the tears.

  Noel sighed. “You choose him and you lose me for good, Clara.”

  I lose him forever.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered out. “I didn’t—”

  Noel stopped her by stepping forward and taking her hands.

  “I’m sorry, too,” he said, placing a kiss on her forehead. The contact of his lips on her skin sent a tremor to her heart. When Noel pulled back he cupped her face and searched her eyes. “I keep hurting you and I don’t want that. I’m trying to win you back but I’m doing it unfairly.”

  I’m the one being unfair to him.

  ⌘

  Clara held the small bundle of daisies she picked from the small store near the cafeteria. Noel had led her there to get a bottle of water when they attracted her, the same flowers that sat on Keira’s dinning table.

  The vibrating in her pocket had Clara stopping. She pulled out her phone to see Liam’s face on her screen. She ignored the way Noel winced next to her. Closing her eyes tightly, Clara opened them and answered her phone.

  “Hey,” Clara greeted cautiously, afraid that she’d confess that she kiss Noel.

  “Hey, sweetheart. How’s Alex?” Liam asked.

  Clara swallowed hard. “He went into cardiac arrest earlier.”

  “Shit, Clara! I can’t take being here and not being able to do anything. I’m coming to Connecticut. I need to be with you. I don’t want you to be lonely,” Liam said.

  The concern and love in his voice had the guilt in Clara welling. She was selfish. She didn’t want Liam in the US. She wanted to be around Noel for as long as she could. She wanted to know the extent of how she felt towards him.

  “You have work and the wedding. I’m okay here, Liam. I’m not lonely. I’m with—” she stopped and looked up at Noel.

  I’m a terrible person.

  “Keira,” she breathed out.

  The line was silent. Liam didn’t say anything as Clara kept her eyes on the frown on Noel’s face.

  “You don’t want me there?”

  Liam’s question tore her heart apart. He was the last person she wanted to hurt, but she was being selfish in order to have Noel in her life just a little longer.

  “Liam,” she breathed out. “I want you here but…”

  “But this is about you and your brother. I know how important he is to you. The moment you need me there, call me. I’ll the company plane to you.”

  He didn’t seem angry. He should be and she didn’t get it.

  “You’re not mad?” she asked.

  “Should I be mad?”

  “Yes. I’m a terrible fiancée to you,” she confessed, looking away from Noel.

  “No, you’re not, Clara. It’s just an emotional time. I get it if you want some time alone. All you have to do is tell me and I’ll be there,” Liam said.

  Her heart twisted in her chest. He didn’t argue or fight her. She didn’t deserve him. Not his love or his devotion.

  “It’s getting late. Call me if you need anything, sweetheart. My phone will be next to me. I love you, Clara.”

  Clara sighed out. She would never understand how someone like Liam O’Connor could love her.

  “I love you, Liam,” she said before she hung up the phone and returned it to her pocket.

  Clara looked up to see the hurt look consume Noel’s face. She hated what she did to both men, but hated what she did to Noel more. He was aware of her conflicting heat and Liam wasn’t.

  “Come on, let’s go see, Keira,” Noel said.

  She nodded, knowing that he didn’t want to discuss Liam or the fact that she had said that she loved her fiancée. He turned and they walked down the hall silently.

  Ignoring the large knot in the pit of her stomach, Clara knocked on the door. Keira turned her head to see them and a beautiful yet sad smile developed on her face. The way her eyes held no blame allowed Clara to feel free from the guilt—but on
ly slightly. The reason they were in hospital was because of her.

  “Clara, you’re here in the States,” Keira said before she winced.

  Clara walked into the room and sat in the chair next to the hospital bed, Noel stood next to her.

  She handed the daisies over to her brother’s girlfriend and said, “I’m sorry, Keira. This is all my fault.”

  Keira immediately frowned and glared at her. “Thank you, they’re beautiful. And this is not your fault, Clara. You didn’t make that man run a red light. It was an accident and I don’t blame anyone, not even the driver of the other car. I want to. I want him to stand in front of me and hear what I have to say. I’ve thought about it, but I can’t form words. I want to blame him, I do. But I can’t. I’m not a hateful person, even when he could be the reason why I lose Alex.” The choked sobs and pain in Keira’s voice caused Clara’s chest to ache.

  Keira sniffed and placed the daisies in her lap. “I knew it was bad when Alex didn’t open his eyes. The car stopped moving and he didn’t say a word. I begged him to wake up, but he didn’t. The next thing I know I’m being pulled out first and Alex still had his eyes closed. They won’t let me see him. Is he okay?”

  Noel reassuringly placed his hand on Clara’s shoulder. His support gave her the strength to shake her head.

  “He went into cardiac arrest just before. They said he’s stable.” Clara struggled out.

  Keira let out a sob. It was painful and heartbreaking to see. If Clara ever doubted Keira’s love for Alex, she’d be proven wrong. It was evident that Keira loved Alex more than life itself.

  “But he’s going to be okay, right?” Keira’s empty eyes pierced Clara’s heart. She had no idea what to say. She didn’t know what Alex’s scans would reveal.

  Clara looked up at Noel staring at Keira. The thought of losing Alex forever devastated her. He was her rock but he was Keira’s life. She didn’t want Keira to know the pain of losing someone you love. She had lost Noel so many times and it still pained her.

  “Keira, Alex’s fighting to see you again. He’s the strongest man I have ever met. He’ll find his way to you,” Noel said as he took hold of Clara’s hand.