Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  Keira’s eyes fell to their linked hands and smiled. “Alex would be happy with what I’m seeing right now. He never wanted you two to end. The day he landed he called me and said he suspected something. He was honestly happy. I could hear his protectiveness but he was happy. He loves you both so much.” Tears ran down Keira’s face and Clara felt her own fall. “He never once thought either of you betrayed him. Alex just wanted you both happy,” Keira said, her voice sounded strained.

  The large lump in Clara’s throat almost choked her. She saw the sadness in Noel’s eyes. She wanted to take it away, but she knew it would come at a cost.

  After chatting for as long as Keira could stay awake, Noel and Clara left. Noel’s hand never left hers. They stopped by the nurse’s station, Morgan assured them both that she’d keep an eye on Alex and if she heard anything from the doctor she’d call. When they reached the elevator Clara looked up at him. His green eyes were, just like the rest of him, as beautiful as the first day he walked back into her life.

  I have to go back to where we started.

  “Question five,” she said.

  Noel looked at her with knitted brows. “What?”

  “Twenty-one questions, Nolan Parker. I’m asking you number five.”

  Noel turned to her and said, “Okay.”

  It started with one game of twenty-one questions. Our game went unfinished.

  “Say we got to the part where we told Alex. Before we went to that club, before Katie’s birthday and before that night. Would we have made it? Would we have been happy together?”

  Noel breathed out and gave her a heartbreaking frown.

  “Yes. We would have made it, Clara. I would have made sure we did. I had it all planned out. I had our future together planned out. I would have followed you to the ends of the earth just to be with you. We would have been happy. I would have spent my life making sure you were happy.”

  The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Noel stepped inside and Clara looked at him. Regret flowed through her veins and entered her heart.

  “I’m sorry, Noel. I’m so very sorry.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “I was scared,” Clara whispered out. Her eyes fell to the floor and her shoulders dropped. Noel stood in the elevator and watched her. A small sob escaped her lips just as the doors started to close. He quickly held out his arm to stop them.

  “Clara,” he breathed as he stepped out of the elevator and pulled her into his arms.

  Those were the words he had hoped for, all those months ago. But even hearing them didn’t heal the pain that tormented his heart. The same torment that made a mess of his life. Her fear sent her running. He’d known that, but he couldn’t blame her. He should have gone against what she said and he should have proved to her that fear couldn’t rule their lives.

  “I’m sorry, I—”

  She sobbed into his chest and he held her tighter.

  “No, not yet, Clara. I understand. I do. You ended us for a reason and as much as I want to know, I’m scared to hear it. I did something and I’m scared that by knowing it’ll open up all our wounds again. I’d only push you further away.” He knew he’d regret the words that came out of his mouth. But Noel knew the circumstances they were in had them in a moment of regret. Things between them had gone wrong and Alex’s accident was driving them back together again. He wanted her to be honest because she wanted to be, not because he pressured her to.

  “I don’t deserve him. I shouldn’t have gone to him. I should have never been the one he fell in love with.” Clara sniffed before letting go of his waist and stepping out of his arms.

  Noel swallowed the lump in his throat. “I-I…” He began to say, but he closed his mouth.

  Clara looked down at her engagement ring and his eyes followed.

  “You do deserve him, Clara.”

  Her eyes shot up and she blinked at him in surprise. “No. I don’t. I never deserved Liam. Not even after things ended with Darren. He deserves so much better than me. His biggest flaw and biggest mistake was choosing me to fall in love with.” Turmoil filled Clara’s eyes and he felt her anguish.

  “Clara, choosing to fall in love with you isn’t a mistake someone makes. It’s a privilege. His biggest flaw would be not falling in love with you.”

  My biggest mistake was losing her.

  The saddest smile he had ever seen developed on Clara’s face. “I’m sorry I walked away, Noel. I should have stayed, and forgot what was said and done. I shouldn’t have been so scared. I didn’t want you to lose Alex, but look how far it got us. We might be losing him and this time we wouldn’t be getting him back. I was so scared that you’d end up regretting us and hating me.” Clara placed her hands over her face and let out a frustrated sigh.

  He took a step forward and placed his hands on her wrist, pulling her hands away from her face. Those brown eyes still sparkled even though he could see the sadness that projected through.

  “I would have never regretted or hated you, Clara. That’s impossible. I wanted…” He removed his hands from her wrists and kept them by the side of his body.

  To marry you.

  But Noel kept that to himself. He didn’t want her to know just yet. If he had a chance of Clara choosing him then the first time he wanted her to know the concept of marriage was when he was on one knee. So instead he said, “To keep you forever.”

  The intention of marriage was there and forever meant marriage for Noel.

  “Forever?” Clara looked surprise by his response.

  This time Noel stepped forward and cradled Clara’s beautiful face in his hands.

  “I did promise you forever.” He thought back to the moments after she told him that she loved him too.

  Then love me forever.

  Those were the words that had him willing to promise forever. They only had that one night and then it all started to end. Clara smiled and he saw the hope radiate from her eyes. That smile gave him something to believe in.

  “Come on, let’s go find a place to eat and we’ll come back and be with Alex.” He didn’t ask for her hand he just took it.

  Clara looked down and closed her hand around his. The security of her touch could break his heart. He was in too deep. She had the ability to break his heart with a simple word. But for now he’d just hoped that the possibility of more was in their future.

  ⌘

  He found himself loving the sounds of those once annoying beeps from the heart monitor. He feared a loud erratic noise from the machine, but was more terrified to hear it emit silence. Silence meant no heartbeat and that was a noise he never wanted to experience. Noel needed the beeps. He needed them like he needed air and Clara’s touch.

  Alex’s chest rose and fell with the assistance of a respiratory ventilator. Clara’s hands left his an hour ago and held on to Alex’s. She didn’t say word. She only looked at Alex and silently prayed at one point. Every time he looked at Alex, Noel felt the guilt rise from his stomach and attach itself to his heart. Alex was in that bed because he stupidly sent Clara that message. He wished he hadn’t sent it to her because it would mean his best friend would be going about his life.

  After lunch at a small restaurant near the hospital, Noel and Clara stopped by to see Keira still asleep. She was better than the first time Noel saw her but he knew Keira was heartbroken; she was sheltering the blame and guilt too. He begged her to forgive him, but she fought him and said that none of it was his fault. He knew it was a lie. It would always be his fault.

  A soft knock had Noel turning. He swallowed hard at the sight and instantly stood up. The frown on her face and the sadness in her eyes had Noel’s stomach dipping.

  “Andrea,” he breathed. He met her blue eyes before he looked down at Clara.

  “How is he?” Andrea asked as she took a step into the room.

  Clara turned around and gave Andrea an appreciative smile.

  “I think he’s okay,” Clara replied.

  Noel kept his eyes on Cl
ara as her eyes started to water. She quickly wiped her face and turned to face Alex.

  “I told you—”

  Andrea shook her head, cutting him off. “I couldn’t stay in Phoenix, not when Alex and Keira are in hospital,” Andrea explained. Her blue eyes darkened and she seemed guarded.

  Noel looked to see Clara holding Alex’s hand again.

  “Can we talk outside?” Andrea asked. Her eyes focused on Clara.

  He realised that in a room with both women, Noel’s heart was still set on Clara. Noel nodded, followed Andrea out of the room and walked down the hallway, away from Alex’s room.

  Andrea stopped and leant on the white wall, her head dropped forward and her fingers twiddled. Noel placed his hands in his pockets unsure of where this would take him. He loved Andrea, but he wasn’t in love with her. He knew what being in love was like and he wanted that, even though he knew how much being in love physically hurt him.

  “It’s her, isn’t it?” Andrea looked up at him.

  The hurt in her eyes made his stomach flip.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “The one you loved and you lost, Noel. It’s Clara, isn’t it?” There was no hint of betrayal in Andrea’s voice. “You don’t love me like you love her,” she said once Noel didn’t respond.

  He stood there, speechless and watched Andrea push off the wall. She turned and faced him. Her eyes shined with unshed tears.

  She knows about Clara.

  “How’d you…” he started to ask.

  Andrea breathed out and shook her head. “You called me ‘Andy.’ You’ve never once called me Andy. That’s when I knew. I had this feeling back in New York, but I ignored it. I should have known the moment she looked at that locket. The way she looks at you and the way you look at her. I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it. I started to realise it all when we got back from New York and then your phone call. The way you said her name, like you were scared to death of losing her. It was heartbreaking to hear you love someone that much. I’m no longer Andrea to you, I’m Andy.”

  Tears slid down Andrea’s face and he stepped forward and took her hands. Andrea squeezed his hands, her eyes never leaving his.

  This is my chance to do the honest thing.

  “I’m sorry, Andrea. I tried. I tried to get over her, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry, but Clara’s…”

  Andrea let go of his hands and placed hers on his cheeks. “The One. Clara’s the one for you,” she whispered.

  Noel nodded his head. Andrea smiled and blinked her tears away.

  “Then win her back,” she said as she stepped back, creating space between them.

  “You’re not mad?” he asked in disbelief.

  Andrea shook her head. “No. I’m not. I’m hurt, but I’m not mad, Noel. You don’t love me and I can’t make you change your mind. Not when I’m up against someone like Clara. She was before me and she made you fall in love. I can see why you’d fall in love with her; she beautiful and sweet. It must be real for you both. Even though you’re both apart and in two different relationships, I see it. You try not to stare at her, but you do it anyways. I saw it in New York, Noel. You stare at her like she’s it and then you realise you can’t have her, so you smile for her being happy. I want that look one day. All this time apart and you're both so in love with each other. It’s so clear, but you’re both so oblivious to it.”

  “Andrea,” he said.

  She stopped him with a firm shake of her head. “I’m going to do you a favour. I’m ending us. I want you to go after her because whatever she did is what I’m doing. As much as I’m going to regret this I want you happy, Noel. Looking at Clara and the way she looks at you, she did the exact same thing, didn’t she? She put your happiness first and you didn’t even realise it. Well, I’m putting your happiness first as well. I don’t want you to have to be with me if you’re in love with someone else. I know you tried hard, but we aren’t meant to be together. I want you to try with Clara,” Andrea said as she reached into her pocket.

  She’s ending us.

  She pulled out their apartment key and placed it in his hand. “I’m giving you this back.”

  He looked at it and then at her.

  “And this,” Andrea said as she reached back into her pocket. She brought out something silver and he squinted his eyes at it. His heart stopped and the air in his lung evaporated.

  Clara’s locket.

  “You should give it back to her.” Andrea placed it in his hand and closed his fingers over the silver locket. “We’re over, Noel,” Andrea confirmed with a sad smile.

  “You’ll find someone that deserves you, Andrea. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person. I do love you, just not the way you deserve to be loved. Even if Clara doesn’t choose me, you still deserve someone better than I am. He’ll be the man I couldn’t be. That man has been waiting for us to be over to be with you.” Noel stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. Though his heart ached for Andrea, Noel felt it break from its chain. He felt free. Andrea was giving him the chance.

  “She’d be stupid to walk away,” Andrea said into his chest.

  He hugged her tighter and pressed his lips together.

  “You don’t know her like I do, Andrea. Walking away is what we do best. But I’m going to try,” he promised. They stood there in an embrace they both knew would end. The moment they parted it was over between them.

  It felt like Andrea was savouring him, remembering him for the last time. He knew she’d find someone else. She was any man’s vision of perfection, but for Noel she wasn’t, no one was besides Clara.

  The pulled apart and looked at each other. Those blue eyes saddened and his heart pained for her. It wasn’t the same pain he felt when he lost Clara, but it still hurt. He was losing a wonderful woman in his life, but she deserved to be let go.

  “So this is where we end? I just say goodbye to you.” Andrea looked away.

  “Hey,” he said grabbing her attention. “We can still be in each other’s lives. I don’t want this to be where I never see you again, Andrea. Friends?” he asked holding out his hand.

  Andrea looked down and smiled. “Friends,” she confirmed and shook his hand. After a few shakes she let go and pursed her lips.

  “Just don’t give her a false sense of forever. Don’t you ever do that to her because no one deserves that. Keep her forever this time and don’t let her go,” Andrea said. There was no bitterness or anger. Andrea wanted him to genuinely be happy with Clara.

  “It won’t be like that. Not this time. Thank you,” he said.

  She breathed out and looked at him one last time before she turned towards the elevator.

  Noel looked at Clara’s locket. He found it unclasped with the piece of paper nestled inside. He looked back up to see Andrea walk into the elevator. She had read his confession. Noel closed the locket and placed it in his pocket. He said goodbye to Andrea. He just had to wait for Clara.

  Breathing out and with the idea of being Clara’s future immersing itself in his mind, Noel walked back into Alex’s room. Clara still sat in her seat. Noel walked to the seat he vacated and sat down next to her. Clara kept her eyes focused on Alex before she let go of one of her brother’s hands and gripped Noel’s. She entwined her fingers with his. Noel looked down at their linked hands before he looked at her. Their eyes meeting and a soft smile graced her face.

  “We’re over,” he announced.

  Noel saw the surprise enlighten Clara’s brown eyes.

  “Over?” she whispered.

  Noel squeezed her hand and smiled. “I’m all yours, Clara.”

  Alex, please stay. I need you. Alex, please don’t leave me.

  “Clara! Wake up, baby. Wake up!”

  She opened her eyes and gasped, her heart aching and her breathing faltering.

  “Noel?”

  “Thank God,” Noel breathed out. His eyes watered before he pulled her into his arms. “I’ve never been so scared in my life. You wouldn’t w
ake up. You just kept crying and screaming out Alex’s name.”

  Clara wrapped her arms around Noel’s waist and cried. “It felt real. I lost him, Noel. He died and I had to live without him. It felt so real. I can’t lose him. I can’t. I lost you and I can’t lose him too.” Clara’s throat tightened. Her breathing became difficult as the dream ran cycles through her mind.

  “Hey,” he softly said.

  His voice soothing the tremors that spread through her chest. Clara looked up at him. Those green eyes sparkled with the tears that brimmed his eyes.

  “You’re not going to lose Alex. He’s fighting. The doctors said he’s doing well. You won’t lose me. I’m here, baby. I’ve always been here. Just close your eyes, okay. When you’re ready, I’ll be there. I’ve been yours the moment I knocked on your door.” He rubbed her back. She missed everything about his touch and the way his arms fit around her.

  Clara held him tighter, afraid she’d lose him all over again. The pain in her chest intensified at the reminder that Noel wasn’t hers. He was single, but she wasn’t. She hadn’t made a choice, but her heart struggled to let someone go. Struggled to let him go.

  “I-I can’t lose you, Noel. You’re all I have left.”

  Noel laid them both down on the bed, her head resting on his chest. The sound of his steady heart called to her. Noel held her. Tears continued to fall down her face. She missed her brother and Noel was her link to him. Clara placed her hand over his heart and he tensed underneath her touch. She looked up at him, the control evident in his eyes.

  After a moment he let out a heavy sigh. “You’ll always have me, Clara. I love you,” he softly said.

  Her heart squeezed at those three words. The same three words she longed for. Noel looked down at her as different tears brimmed her eyes. They weren’t tears about losing Alex. They were tears over losing Noel.

  “I’ll always be yours. I’d wait forever if I have to,” Noel said.

  She kissed his chest near his heart. It was all she could give him. She couldn’t return the words. The circumstances they were in, it just wasn’t fair to him. Noel held her tighter as she snuggled into his chest. Memories of Melbourne and their nights together replaced her dream of losing Alex. Her heart was on fire. Back then she wanted to lay the way they did forever. In those moments, he was her forever.