Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  She sniffed as the tears returned and she let out a struggled breath. She took in that familiar smell of him: woody and spicy. She smiled at the memories. The ones she sadly looked back on since she walked away.

  “It was just a dream, Clara. Just close your eyes.”

  Clara’s eyes fluttered shut. All she could think of was the last time they were together like this.

  The moment after we said I love you to each other. That moment when Noel was once mine.

  ⌘

  The sound of her phone vibrating woke her up. Clara sat up to find herself alone in the bed. She rubbed her eyes and saw Noel asleep on the couch. Stretching for her phone, her eyes never left the sight of him. She swiped at the screen and read her unread messages.

  Stevie: How are you, Clara? My thoughts and love is with Alex and Keira.

  Ally: Your wedding dress is here waiting for you! Bring your brother home with you. We’re all worried.

  Julian: Clara, you call me when he wakes up!

  Jo: Hello, Clara. I know this is bad timing, but we need finalisations on either the harpist or the violinist. – Jo.

  Liam: Sweetheart, remember, the moment you need me I’m leaving to be with you. I love you. Call me at anytime.

  Rob: You take care of Noel, Clara. He’s going to need you.

  Clara dropped her phone and left all the messages without a reply. Her heart was still burning. She wanted to forget about her wedding. Alex was in hospital; getting married was the last thing on her mind. Throwing back the blanket, she walked over to the couch and hovered over Noel. The peace on his face as he slept made her heart melt. Clara brushed his short messy hair away from his forehead. Allowing herself to remember the times she used to do this. Just as she was about to move her hand away, Noel grabbed her wrist. His eyes slowly opened. Those beautiful green eyes had her heart stopping.

  When he realised it was her, he loosened his grip and smiled up at her. “Good morning, Clara,” he said joyfully.

  He slowly sat up and pulled her into his lap, Clara straddling him. Clara shocked as his hands cupped her face. His fingers sent tingles straight to her heart. She couldn’t control the smile on her face.

  “I woke up and you were on the couch instead of the bed,” Clara pointed out.

  He laughed at the face she pulled.

  “Being in a bed with you is temptation, Clara.” Noel swept the curls behind her ear. “No matter how much I enjoyed having you sleep in my arms, I had to put some distance between us.”

  “I’m sorry about last night,” Clara said, her eyes set on his naked chest rather than his eyes.

  Noel crooked a finger under her chin and brought her eyes level to his. “Don’t be. You were having a bad dream. I didn’t want you alone. You should never be alone, Clara.”

  Pieces of her dream started to resurface: Clara in her wedding gown; Alex not being there; and the picture of Alex’s grave. She felt the lump form in her throat.

  “Baby, it’s going to be okay,” Noel assured her. His words of endearment pierced her heart. She should have felt like he crossed a line, but he hadn’t. He brought her face closer until his soft lips touched her forehead. He left his lips there to linger for a moment longer.

  When his eyes met hers, Clara placed her hands on his cheeks. This was the love she walked away from and her heart wanted him back. But her head told her otherwise. Clara’s thumbs ran across his cheeks and smiled up at him.

  Noel was once my heart.

  Clara’s thumbs stopped the moment Noel’s hands placed themselves on her hips. He didn’t push her closer to him. He simply held her.

  “It’s not fair, Noel.” She breathed in heavily and closed her eyes tightly.

  “Hey, talk to me. I’m here.”

  His words had her opening her eyes.

  “Why is it him? Why did it have to be my brother? Why is it that the best person in the world is in a coma? Considering when there are people that deserve it more… people like me. It’s all my fault. It’s always been my fault. Why couldn’t I be stronger? Why did I have to depend on him so much? I’m not losing my brother because of my mistakes. Alex deserves better. He deserves to have anyone else but me as his sister.”

  Noel squeezed her hips and rested his forehead against hers. “This isn’t your fault, Clara. It’s mine. I shouldn’t have sent you that message. It caused a chain reaction and I’m the reason why Alex is in that bed.”

  Noel’s tears hit her hand and she brought his face up to hers.

  “No. This started a long time ago, Noel. Long before we fell in love with each other,” she explained as her fingers traced the side of his face. Her heart plunged, heavy with sorrow. “Why couldn’t my parents love me?” she asked as she looked into his eyes. Clara noticed those beautiful eyes darken as the sadness replaced the shimmer.

  “Clara,” Noel breathed out.

  “Why couldn’t they? If they had just loved me, Alex wouldn’t have had to take care of me. I wouldn’t be such a burden in his life. He would have gone to Stanford without worrying about me and enjoy college. This—me—all of this wouldn’t have happened. This is my fault. Everything is my fault. Your break up with Andrea was my fault, too.” It was painful to say, but all the bad times in Noel and Alex’s lives were because of her. She almost ruined their friendship.

  Noel’s hands left her hips and returned to her face. His eyes darkened and her eyes went wide in surprise. “Nothing is your fault. Nothing is ever your fault. Understand that, Clara. Alex and I, we love you. We make choices because we love you. God, I love you. I love you so damn much!” Noel removed his hands from her face and wrapped his arms around Clara’s back.

  “Noel,” she breathed out.

  Words failed her.

  He stood up from the couch holding her. Clara wrapped her legs around Noel’s waist as she held his face in her hands. No words were said as he breathed heavily, walking them to the bed. He carefully laid her on the unmade bed. Noel hovered over her as he lowered his body on top of hers. Clara’s breathing became shallow as her fingers graced his cheeks.

  His breath hit her skin and she closed her eyes tightly as her heart continued to slam itself against her chest. When she opened them Noel’s face tensed. He let out an exasperated sigh and rested his forehead back against hers.

  “I want to, Clara. God, I would love nothing more than to show you my love. But I can’t. Damn it, I cant! I want to make slow and passionate love to you. I want you to remember every bit of pleasure I ever gave to you. But I just want to kiss you. But I can’t. Not with that ring on your finger. A ring that isn’t mine.”

  All air left her lungs. Noel pushed himself off of her and got off the bed. Clara sat up and looked at him.

  “What do you mean, Noel?” she asked.

  He ran a hand through his messy hair.

  “Nothing,” he said. She could see the frustration on his face and her shoulders sagged. “We better go to the hospital and see Alex. I’m going in the shower. Order room service, whatever you like, Clara.” His eyes met hers and she saw the conflict.

  He shook his head before he walked towards the bathroom. He left Clara on the bed to maul over what he said. She looked down at her left hand and felt the nagging pain in her heart.

  A ring that isn’t his…

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The summer breeze blew as he walked the quiet streets towards the hospital. He had one focus and that was controlling his mouth when it came to Clara. He wanted too much and she hadn’t expressed her intentions when it came to them. Noel ensured that he was three steps in front of her. The moment she walked out of the bathroom in her pale yellow dress Noel knew that distance was needed, desperately.

  That pale coloured dress reminded him of their time at Chelsea beach and it hurt his heart too much. He said nothing as he led her out of the hotel and towards Yale-New Haven Hospital. The temptation to hold her hand was strong. His hands twitched every time he thought about it, but he kept space between them.
He took the right turn off Temple Street and quickened his steps once he hit George Street, the hospital only minutes away.

  “Noel,” Clara called out, but he ignored her. “Noel, Stop!” she yelled.

  He breathed out, exasperated. He halted at her command and turned. The sadness in her eyes had him balling his fists as he tried to control his erratic heart.

  “What, Clara?” he exaggerated the forceful tone in his voice.

  “What did I do?” she asked, bewildered.

  He looked into her eyes one last time before he turned and continued walking down the street, towards the hospital.

  “Question six!” she yelled out.

  Noel instantly stopped. Breathing in, he took long strides until he came close to her.

  “No! Don’t you dare!” he warned her.

  “Twenty-one questions without limits, Nolan Parker! You promised me that and I’m collecting question six.” The look in Clara’s eyes told him she wouldn’t let it go. He saw the hurt she tried to hide consume her eyes.

  “What did I do this morning? I said something that made you act this way. I feel like you don’t want me here. Look, I’ll get another room. Just don’t look at me like you hate me, please.”

  Remorse filled his entire body and he shook his head at his own stupidity.

  I want her back and I’m treating her like this. I’m an idiot.

  “God, Clara, no,” he said, already regretting his behaviour. “You’re engaged for Christ sake’s! I can’t be doing the shit I’m doing. I’m making you do things you shouldn’t because I’m selfish.”

  “Oh,” Clara softly uttered.

  “Last night, you said my name when you were in my arms. Do you know what that does to me?”

  Clara shook her head at him.

  “It gives me hope, Clara. It gives me damn hope. It makes me believe that we can be together but I look down and you’ve still got that ring on your finger. How can I win your heart back when you walk around with that ring and a title as someone’s fiancée?”

  Clara took a step back and she blinked quickly at him.

  “Question nine,” he said before she could say anything.

  Clara looked at him and only nodded. He looked passed the hurt in her eyes and continued on.

  “Does he treat you good?”

  Noel knew the answer, but he needed to hear it himself.

  She wouldn’t have stayed with him this long if he didn’t.

  “Yes, he treats me good. He treats me like I’m his world. Like I mean more than I should. I’m special to him and I matter.” Clara’s words punch him in the stomach.

  Before he could think and take back the words, he yelled out, “And I never did?”

  “No, you didn’t.” She didn’t hesitate. The tightening returned to his chest. “For a moment, you did. I believed I mattered to you at one point. But it all changed.” Tears slid down Clara’s face and she wiped them away with the back of her hand.

  “What changed?” he asked.

  She glared at him like she didn’t understand. His patience snapped and Noel took her hands.

  “Question ten. What changed, Clara?” His voice projected more force than he would have liked.

  “You slept with Valerie!” The break in her voice had him faltering for words. Clara pulled her hands from his.

  “You’re still holding that against me? We weren’t together!”

  Clara breathed out and tried to hold back her tears. He saw the pain etched on her face and the tears she tried to hold back fell.

  Clara wiped her face and said, “You’re right. We were never really together. It still broke my heart nonetheless because I cared. Maybe I cared too much. Maybe I loved you more and despite you sleeping with her, I came back for you. I wanted one more chance to redeem myself and be with you. I erased the thought that you slept with someone else. I erased it because I was completely and madly in love with you. That’s why I came back. That’s why I risked my engagement to be with you. Sleeping with Valerie changed us.”

  We got past Valerie. We fell in love, we made love, and we were in love. How can she hold Valerie against me? I was only ever hers.

  “But I slept with you. I was your first. I thought that meant something to you,” Noel uttered out. The burning in his chest brought the stinging to his eyes.

  “Is that it? My virginity?”

  He looked around to see it was still quiet on the street, too early for people to be roaming around.

  “I gave you more than that. I gave you something worth more than my virginity. I gave you my heart, Noel. God! Why is this so hard for us?” She looked up at the sky before breathed out.

  Noel ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “It’s us, Clara. We’ve always been complicated. It’s never been easy for us. Being with you meant more than you think. I fell in love with you the moment you let me in. I chose you over my friendship with Alex. You have to believe me. I was quitting my job to be with you.”

  “What?” Her eyes wide with surprise.

  Noel placed his hands on the side of her face and looked into those brown eyes that he wanted forever.

  “I was giving it all up for you. I was moving back to Melbourne. That was the plan. I made it before I even decided to tell Alex about us. I love you, Clara. You have to believe me. Being with you meant everything to me. I would have promised you the world and fought off every bad dream you had. I would have moved mountains for your happiness.” Noel removed his hands from her face and took a step back. “Being here with you, it makes me think of all the things we could have been. I want you to choose me because you love me and want to spend your life being with me.”

  Clara pressed her lips together before she took a step forward and placed her hands on his cheeks. The moment her thumb gently stroked his cheek he found it difficult to breathe.

  “Maybe we weren’t meant to cross that line, Noel. Maybe we were just meant to be Alex’s best friend and Alex’s little sister. Maybe we weren’t meant to fall in love with each other. We’re destructive when we’re together. That line was there for a reason.”

  He raised his hands and gripped her wrists. Clara’s thumb instantly stopped its gentle strokes. “Maybe we didn’t try hard enough, maybe that’s where we got it all wrong,” he whispered.

  She gave him a tight smile and softly said, “Maybe.”

  ⌘

  Two days passed since he found out that his sleeping with Valerie added to Clara’s fear and sent her running. He was sure there was more, but he didn’t want to hear it. More added to his frustrations, more showed him he could have easily won her back if he had just stayed.

  Noel walked out of the bathroom to find Clara sitting on the bed with her phone in her hand and a sullen look on her face. He crouched in front of her and looked up at her.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “It’s been almost a week since the accident, Noel. He should be awake by now, right?” she asked before her eyes fell back to her phone. He looked down to see a picture of Clara and her brother. Alex had a large and proud grin on his face as he hugged Clara. The picture was one of Clara in her school uniform. He read the small inscription on the border of photo.

  “Clara’s first day of school.”

  “Alex wouldn’t let me keep the actual picture. He wanted to take it to Scarsdale with him. He sent me a scan of it,” Clara said, passing him her phone. Noel sat on the bed and looked at the picture. Clara’s hair in pigtails and tied with purple ribbons. His heart broke when he noticed that the inscription was Alex’s writing. Noel knew Alex’s handwriting. It was as atrocious now as it was when he was ten.

  “Who took this picture?” Noel asked as he passed Clara her phone.

  “Max did when he used to walk to school with us.” She placed the phone on the bed and turned to face him.

  Before Alex and Keira’s accident, the last time they were in a bed together he fucked her, letting raw emotion control his body. Had he known then that it was the last tim
e he’d ever be intimate with her and her body, he’d have been passionate. Make love to her and make it so memorable that she’d never want another man but him. But he didn’t make it memorable because Clara found another to make love to and want him so much that she was willing to marry him.

  “Noel,” Clara said as she took his hand and entwined her fingers with his.

  He squeezed her hand and Clara smiled at him. “I want you in my life. As hard as it would be, I want to you to be there. I can’t pretend you don’t exist. Not when you’re Alex’s best friend. Not when you were the one I fell in love with, and you were my once everything.”

  He felt his stomach drop. “You’re choosing Liam.”

  She shook her head at him. “No. I’m not choosing anyone, yet. But as much as I try to run from you, I find my way back and I feel like I should stop running. My life is entwined with yours. I’ve tried staying away, but I don’t know how to let you go and that’s not fair.”

  He balled his fists to try to prevent the pain from spreading. “I can’t pretend like the last ten months have been easy, Clara. I thought about you in some way, every single day we were been apart. Even when I was with Andrea, I thought about you. Tell me you’ve thought about me that way. Tell me that you felt a piece of you missing because I wasn’t there.”

  Clara removed her hand from his and scooted forward. “I shouldn’t have, but I thought about you. I’ve always had a piece of me missing since we ended. I have to ask you something.”

  “Anything.”

  “If I choose Liam… I want you at my wedding.”

  What?

  “You want me to watch you get married. Clara—”

  She stopped him by standing up and facing him.

  “Noel, I need you there. I need to know that when I get married to Liam you’ll be there supporting my decision. I need you to sit in that church aisle and support me. Promise me a dance at the wedding.”