Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  “I know, Clara. I thought I could watch you marry him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be there and accept it. Knowing you chose him and married him. It made me hate the man that I am. I wanted to be good enough for you. To be the choice you made. Just know that I’m happy you married Liam. You deserve the best and I’m glad you chose him. He deserved you more than I ever could have.”

  His eyes stung. This was his final goodbye. His final act. Their story had finally reached its ending.

  Tears ran down Clara’s face. He wanted to wipe them away, but she was now a married woman.

  “You really have been gone for two months.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. You still owe me a dance, Nolan Parker.” His name on her lips had him completely bound. No matter how much time would eventually pass he would always want and love her.

  “Clara, I don’t think—”

  Clara shook her head.

  “I don’t want your excuses or explanations. Just one dance. Liam isn’t here. You have nothing to worry about.”

  He couldn’t deny her wants. He needed one more touch of her body. One more reason to hold her for the last time before their story ended.

  If I weren’t already going to hell, I would be.

  “Okay.”

  Noel stepped forward and kept his eyes on hers. His right hand placed on her hip as he brought her closer to his body. She let out a gasp he wished he never witnessed. He took her right hand in his and felt the tingles shoot straight to his broken heart, slowly mending him.

  She was home and he knew it. But she belonged to another man and he knew the wrongfulness of this one final dance. His eyes never left hers. If they did and he saw that wedding band he’d die inside. He’d be a memory lost in the new ones she'd make with her husband.

  “Noel,” she said softly. “Why won’t you look at my left hand?”

  He stopped the swaying movement his body was making and he looked at her. She squeezed his hand and his body tensed. He closed his eyes tightly as he concentrated on finding the ability to breathe. When he opened his eyes, he looked down at her plump lips and he was tempted. He loved her lips. Noel had never found another pair as heart shattering as hers.

  “Because if I look at it then it’s real, Clara. Then I know that it’s over for good between us. That wedding band is proof that I will never get the chance to love you and be with you. That wedding band tells me that I lost you and it was evident that you found a better man than me. That wedding band signifies that you will never love me and never want to spend your life being my wife. Once I even glance at that wedding band, I know I’ll never be yours.”

  Clara’s tears ran down her face and he was surprised to feel his own.

  I will never get over you, Clara. I’ll spend my days trying to find an impossible way to.

  Clara squeezed his hand tighter and she closed her eyes, letting the words sink in. When she opened them the sadness consumed him. His heart was on its last beat and he knew it was all ending.

  “Please, Noel. You need to look at my left hand. I can’t live the rest of my life if you walk away tonight and not look at it. I need you to. That’s all I ask. We’ll walk away tonight, but please, I beg of you.”

  The want and need in her voice had him pulling away from her.

  “Okay,” he whispered.

  Clara gave him a sad smile that pierced his heart. At least he had that one last smile.

  “Close your eyes,” she softly whispered and he did just that.

  He felt Clara’s fingertips in the palm of his right hand. Her touch was one he missed and thought about.

  Clara placed her hand flat on his palm and said, “Open your eyes, Nolan Parker.”

  Oh, God.

  His tears brimmed his eyes. The burning in his chest overwhelmed him as his breathing faltered. He held onto her left hand and breathed out.

  “Clara,” he looked up.

  Her tears mirrored his own.

  “Don’t let this be a joke.” He breathed out.

  Clara shook her head. “It’s real.”

  His heart expanded and he felt every inch of the pain, but it was a different sort.

  “You’re separated? Divorced? Getting Divorced?”

  Clara smiled beautifully at him. Noel looked down at her left hand once more. There was no ring. Not her wedding band or engagement ring on her finger. He let go of her hand and placed both of his hands on Clara’s cheeks.

  She isn’t with him. There’s no ring!

  Clara’s hands gripped his wrists as his thumbs brushed her cheeks.

  “I never married him, Noel. I couldn’t marry him because I love you and I’ll only ever love you.”

  Never. Married. Liam.

  “You never? But the wedding…”

  Clara let go of his wrists as she wrapped her arms around his back.

  “I never married Liam. Annie and Jarred took our places at the altar. He asked me for my blessing days before the wedding. You left before I could tell you that the wedding was off. I’ve been waiting two months for you, Nolan Parker. I’ve been waiting for the day you’d come back and I could have a chance to redeem myself.”

  She waited two months for me.

  “Say it again,” he said.

  She tilted her head and raised her eyebrow at him.

  “Tell me you love me again, Clara.” A soft laugh escaped her lips. That sound mending his heart.

  “I love you, Nolan Parker. I have and will always love you. You are the love of my life. We can be together. If I’m not too late.” The vulnerability in Clara’s voice had him stroking her left cheek in reassurance.

  She still loves me. She’s finally free to be with me.

  “You’re not late, Clara. You’ll never be because I’ll never get over you. You’ll always have my heart. I’m yours.” His thumb ran along her bottom lip.

  The beautiful smile he’d always love was finally directed towards him. “I’m yours, Noel. I’ve been yours the moment you gave me that tulip when I was four. I didn’t know it then, but my heart was set on you. My heart will forever be set on you.”

  Clara’s tears brimmed her eyes and he knew for the first time they would be happy tears.

  “But at the altar, Liam asked you to imagine your wedding and you said you loved Liam him.”

  Stepping out of his hold on her, Clara took his hands and threaded her fingers with his. “I imagined marrying you. I imagined you at the end of the altar waiting for me to be your wife. If you had stayed you would have heard me tell Liam that I loved him but that I was in love with you. If you had stayed a little bit longer you’d know that I gave Liam back his engagement ring and that I came running back for you.”

  He remembered the moments after he got into the back of the black car. He hailed a taxi outside of The Hotel Windsor and went back to Max’s apartment. He packed up the little belongings he brought from Boston and visited his parents back in the suburbs. Noel turned off his phone once he booked his ticket back to the States and spent the rest of the night catching up with his mother and father. His brother stopped by before Noel left for his early morning flight.

  “Why did you go?” she asked.

  “I was actually happy with your choice. From where I stood it looked like you chose him and I was honestly happy.”

  Letting go of his hands, Clara wrapped her arms back around his neck. “I couldn’t possibly live another second without your love. These last two months I’ve been just hanging on. Alex told me to be patient. I didn’t even know if you’d talk to me so Alex had this plan to ambush you.”

  Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tight afraid to let her go. “Now I wish I didn’t leave and go to Hong Kong.”

  Letting out a short laugh, Clara shook her head. “No, I think those two months between us was good. Waiting was hard but I know I made the right choice. I spent my hours at the restaurant.”

  Restaurant?

  Noel tensed at the thought of her waiting two
months for him. “Wait. The bakery?” he asked.

  Clara’s face sorrowed and he knew then that she lost it.

  “I’ll buy it back. I—”

  “Not necessary. The greatest sacrifices are made for the greatest love. And losing the bakery was nothing compared to losing you. The money I could have spent on buying it back I have plans for. Liam insisted it was a gift for me to keep but I couldn’t. Is there any chance I can be with you? No Alex or Liam this time. Is there a chance we could have a life together?”

  His heart ached at her request. One vulnerable question and he was in tears. There were no obstacles this time.

  I can have a life with Clara. I can grow old with her. I can finally call her mine and I can finally be hers.

  Suddenly Clara started to sob and he realised he had been quiet for far too long. “Oh my God, you don’t love me anymore. I am too late.” She stepped back and her bottom lip quivered.

  “Look at me,” he said.

  The sadness in her eyes told him how much she really did love him. He took that step forward and held her beautiful face in his hand. “It’s impossible for me to ever stop loving you. I love you, Clara Louise Lawrence. I could never stop loving you. And I couldn’t ask for anything more from this world than a life spent with you. I want the rest of my days spent with you because you, Clara, are the love of my life.”

  Clara breathed out and tears rolled off her face. “I love you too,” she whispered.

  His hands returning to her face and watching her smile mended his heart.

  “Then love me forever,” he mimicked the words she said over a year ago. Clara nodded and he never asked permission as his lips touched hers. His heart exploding with such pain, but it was a pain he enjoyed because he finally had the love of his life.

  Her warm lips perfectly molded around his as he kissed her with more love than he had ever felt for her or any other woman. In this one kiss he hoped she believed the promises he hadn’t voice: a promise to marry her; a promise to love her; a promise to be her friend; and if she’d let him, a promise to be the best father for their children.

  Clara’s fingers threaded his hair as she deepened their reuniting kiss. A small moan had him exploring her mouth. His tongue touching hers and his heart expanding, knowing that they had a chance to be happy together. These were the lips that stopped him breathing and stopped his heart from beating.

  “About fucking time!” Alex’s voice yelled from behind him, stopping their kiss.

  Noel drew back as Clara laughed. He let his forehead rest on hers.

  “This is forever,” he whispered to her.

  Turning around he saw Alex, Keira, Julian, Max and Rob on the steps, hollering and clapping. Keira was in tears and Alex stood there proud and happy.

  “Come on, you two! We’re celebrating two things: my engagement and your reunion!” Keira shouted.

  Noel’s hands ran along Clara’s arms until his hand founds hers. Her touch always made his heart flutter.

  Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed the hand that would one day wear his ring. “I look forward to spending forever loving you, Clara.”

  ⌘

  There was no greater feeling than having Clara back in his life and having her love him so openly and freely. Watching her laugh and dance with her brother was one of his most favourite sights he ever witnessed. The way she laughed and smiled, it was perfect. Every so often she looked up at him and the love in her eyes had him falling in love with her all over again.

  Sitting in his chair, he was content with his life. He had forever with Clara and he couldn’t help the smile on his face. Lifting his beer to his lips, he took a drink as he watched Clara laugh at the words Alex spoke. They made it out of all that misery and pain with the one thing they both wanted from the very start: Alex's blessing.

  “Never thought I’d see that damn smile,” Rob pointed out as he took the vacant seat next to him.

  “Didn’t think I’d get to keep her after everything.” Noel turned away from Clara and looked at Rob.

  There was a happy smile from Rob as he held his beer up at Noel. “I told you it’d all work out.”

  “We took the long and messy road it seems. But she found her way back to me.”

  Rob nodded his head with a satisfied smile. “Listen,” he began to say. Rob set his beer on the table and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small velvet box.

  Noel’s heart stopped at the sight of it.

  “I think it’s time I stopped holding on to this. I told you, you’d need it some day,” Rob said with a pleased smile.

  Looking over at Clara, her attention was on Alex. Noel took the small box from Rob and held it tightly in his hands.

  “Thank you for holding onto it.” Noel’s fingers running along the velvet and held it out of sight, turning away from the dance floor.

  “Happy that I’m giving it back to you. Do us all a favour and marry her.” Rob chuckled.

  He looked at the box before taking a deep breath and opening it. The sight of the ring made him smile. With the Celtic knots next to the large diamond he knew the ring was still perfect. There was no other option. He was going to marry Clara Lawrence.

  Closing the ring box, Noel smiled up at Rob and promised him he would. “I’ve already got the plans to propose in motion.”

  Settling into his chair properly, he watched the smile on Clara’s face as her eyes met his. The exact same eyes he would spend forever looking into.

  THE FINAL STEP

  “That’s like the tenth time you’ve looked over at Noel. He isn’t going anywhere,” Alex moaned.

  Clara looked at her brother and blushed. He caught her staring.

  He let out a laugh.

  “Don’t laugh at me!” she whined poking at her brother’s chest. She barely made him flinch and she sighed in utter happiness.

  “I told you he’d make it.”

  “I had every belief and every hope that he would,” Clara replied with a smile. “I never thought about emailing him. I called him a million times but they ended up going straight to voicemail. I stopped trying after you told me to. I'm happy you got him here. Thank you, Alex.”

  Alex beamed, proud of himself. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make my little sister happy. Even if it means bringing back the asshole back into her life.”

  Clara glared at her brother. “He’s the good kind.”

  “Clara, he’s the best asshole I know. I also know he’s very much in love with you,” Alex said, making her smile.

  He swayed her along with the soft music and she giggled at his attempts to make this dance special. Clara turned her head to see Keira and her father dancing. The sight made her wish for her own dance. But she knew it would never be a reality. Her father didn't care enough.

  “I’m sorry this couldn’t be your daddy-daughter dance with Dad,” Alex sadly said.

  Shaking her head, she looked at her brother. “This—with you—means more than it would with him. Alex, you are more my father than Dad will ever be. Thank you,” she said wholeheartedly. Alex was one of the two most important men in her life and in this moment she had them both in her heart and her life.

  “Mind if I cut in?”

  Clara instantly smiled at his voice.

  Alex rolled his eyes at her and said, “I’d say yeah, but it’ll probably upset my sister, so go on. I’ll just go steal my fiancée from her old man.”

  The content smile on her brother’s face made Clara unbelievably happy. This was the sight she wanted all those months ago, Alex giving them his blessing to be together.

  However happy she was, the thought of Liam always made her sick. Breaking his heart was the last thing she wanted to do, but she finally set him free and that was the best for him. She had seen him less and less as the days passed until he left for Ireland. Packing up her things was the hardest. He tried once to convince her to stay but she said no.

  After that one last attempt Liam stopped. Instead he became her friend
rather than her significant other. The moment Noel’s hand touched hers, Clara felt alive. There were no more secrets between them and looking into those green eyes, she knew forever was possible for them.

  His hand settled on the small of her back and brought her close to his body. Her body was always drawn to his, a feeling that she would never get over. He had a power over her. As How Long Will I Love You by Ellie Goulding played Clara knew how special this moment was for them, her eyes never leaving his. Noel would never have to say those words again, not when his eyes spoke for him.

  “When I caught that plane to come back to New York, I never imagined I’d be hearing you tell me you love me. I never thought I’d hear you say you wanted a life with me,” Noel said before her twirled her.

  When she placed her hand back into his, the smile on his face had her feeling complete. “I didn’t think you’d let me have a chance to say it.”

  Moving her to the soft music that played, Noel squeezed her hand. “Clara, it takes one smile and you’ve got me. It wouldn’t have taken much to get me to listen to you.”

  Clara let out a laugh before she composed herself, the nerves ravishing her system. “Is dating me going to work?”

  Noel stopped his sway and looked her in the eyes. “Dating isn’t going to work for me.”

  “Oh,” was all she managed out, her head dropping.

  Noel’s hands left her body before she felt his finger under her chin, lifting her eyes to meet his. “Honestly, I’d love to skip the dating part and get to the part where you’re my girlfriend. We’ve been through enough, don’t you think?”

  Her heart melted and she closed her eyes for a moment. Opening them back up she nodded at him. “I get to be your girlfriend?” she asked to confirm that they were on the same page.

  “It’s been a long time coming, but I wouldn’t want any other woman claiming that title but you.”

  Clara didn’t need any other words. Instead she cupped his face in her hands and gave him a light yet lingering kiss on his lips.

  “Question eleven,” he announced.

  She raised her eyebrow at him.

  “How long are you in New York for?” Noel looked almost terrified to hear her answer. She was thankful that their questions game had gone unfinished until now.