John's Quest (Truly Yours Digital Editions)

by Cecelia Dowdy

  He opened the door, and warmth rushed around them. Music played softly in the background, and a few people sat at tables drinking hot beverages and reading newspapers. He chose a secluded table with a nice view of the ocean before he left her alone to place their order. He returned minutes later with two steamy mugs of hot chocolate covered with mounds of whipped cream and sprinkled with cinnamon. He set the thick white mugs on the table, and Monica lifted hers, warming her hands on the cup. She took a small sip and a spot of whipped cream clung to her upper lip. He playfully wiped it away, licking the sweet cream from his fingertip.

  She tried to smile, but her eyes were still sad. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

  He took a sip of his sweet hot chocolate, barely tasting it before it traveled down his throat. After taking a deep breath and saying a quick prayer, he decided to tell her his news. “I’ve decided to join a ministry.”

  “Oh?” She stirred the whipped cream into her chocolate. “That doesn’t sound so bad. As a matter of fact, it’s a good idea. I’m sure Pastor Martin will be pleased that you’re joining a ministry.”

  He shook his head. “I haven’t spoken with the pastor about it.”

  Seemingly crushed, she took another sip of chocolate before asking him another question. “Why not? He would be the best person to speak with about this.”

  “To tell you the truth, the only other person I’ve spoken to about this, except you, is Jesus Himself.”

  She stared outside as she seemed to gather her thoughts. “Joining a ministry is a blessing, but you’re acting like it’s something negative. Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “What?” Turning away from the window, she looked into his eyes.

  “I would like to join a speaking ministry, one that reaches out to people who don’t believe in God. Some of the people I’d be speaking to might even be agnostic, just like I used to be. I would like to take a year and just travel around the country, maybe even the world. I would give talks about how I was raised, my doubts about Jesus, my struggles, and about how I finally came to accept Him in my life. There’s a group who does this, and they need volunteers.”

  Her mouth dropped open as she gripped her cup. “You’re leaving?”

  He shook his head. “Not right now. I still have to talk to some people and get things arranged. I don’t have to worry about working for a year because when my parents died, they left me a large inheritance. I plan to use that to take a year off from my job and travel, telling other nonbelievers that they need Jesus in their lives.”

  Her bottom lip quivered, but she quickly controlled herself and clutched her mug of hot chocolate. “Why do you feel you want to do this?”

  “Because I feel like I’ve lost so much time not being saved that I think I need to do more than the average Christian to make a difference in people’s lives. Monica, I’m almost forty years old, and my life has been a waste since I haven’t found Jesus until recently.”

  She shook her head. “No it hasn’t. You’ve done many good things in your life. One of them is helping blind children.”

  “I know, but I didn’t tell anybody about the gospel my whole life, like I should have. If I take a hiatus from my job for a year and join this ministry, I feel like I could make up for lost time.”

  “Oh, John. . .” She took a sip from her mug before setting it upon the rough wooden table. “Jesus is not concerned about your making up the time before you came to Him. People usually join ministries like yours when they feel called to do it. Do you feel called?”

  He wasn’t sure how to answer. He squeezed her hand, unsure of how it felt to be called. “I just know this is what I want to do. But I did want to ask you to do something for me.”

  “What’s that?”

  “When I am able to get everything into place for this ministry and I’m able to leave for a year and give my talks on my salvation, I wanted to ask you to wait for me.”

  “Wait for you?” She pulled her hand away, folding her arms in front of her chest.

  He nodded. “I’m not sure how long it will take me to get everything arranged, but when I do, I want to know you’ll be in my corner and you’ll support me. I want to know when I return to Ocean City within a year that you’ll be waiting for me so we can continue our relationship.” She looked away, and he wondered what she was thinking.

  ❧

  As the cloud of whipped cream floated on her hot chocolate, she wasn’t sure if she should laugh or cry. He wanted her to put her life on hold for a year so he could travel the country and do ministry work?

  She pushed her beverage away, no longer wanting to taste the chocolate sweetness. Why did he not mention an engagement—or marriage? He’d certainly proclaimed his love for her, so what was holding him back from proposing? If he asked her to wait for a year, wouldn’t it make sense to place a ring on her finger?

  Also, did John really know what he was doing? He was a new Christian, and although he was zealous in his faith, she had to wonder if his reasoning for entering this ministry was skewed. “I think you need to speak with the pastor about this. Tell him about what you want to do.”

  “You don’t think I should do this, do you?” His deep voice held a note of accusation as he folded his arms across his chest, awaiting her response.

  She shook her head. “I’m not going to answer your question. This is between you and God.”

  “But you don’t like my decision. Why?”

  She rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. “I think I’m ready to go home now.”

  “No, I’m not taking you home.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said I’m not taking you home. Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I won’t be seeing you for a year. Isn’t that reason enough to be upset?” Her heart already ached for the impending time they would be apart.

  “But I’m doing this for Jesus. I’d think you’d be more pleased.”

  She remained silent as she stared into her hot chocolate.

  “Oh, I know what’s wrong.” His deep voice broke into her thoughts. “You’re upset because I didn’t ask you to come with me. I didn’t want to ask you because it would force you to make a decision between Scotty and me. I know you can’t have Scotty moving around the world for a year, and that’s why I didn’t ask you to come with me.”

  She shook her head. “No, that’s not why I’m upset.”

  “Oh, Monica.” He tried to take her hand again, but she pulled it away. “When I finally get all the paperwork and arrangements done and leave, I’m going to miss you—a lot. We’ve already been through so much, and just when it seems as if things were falling into place, I get the idea to join this ministry.” He watched the other patrons in the room, looking as though his thoughts ranged elsewhere. “But this is something I feel I have to do. Please, be honest with me and tell me what you think.”

  The pleading tone in his voice touched something deep in her heart. “I don’t know a whole lot about joining ministries, so it’s hard for me to tell you my opinion.”

  “But?” he prompted.

  “But since you asked for the truth, I’m going to give it to you.” She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “I think you’re making a mistake. I think you’re pursuing this ministry for the wrong reasons.”

  His mouth hardened as he urged her to continue.

  “Like I said before, Jesus wouldn’t want you to join a ministry to make up for lost time. He would want you to do this if you feel like He’s telling you to.”

  His voice became harsh. “So you don’t think I should go? You think I should abandon my vision for joining this ministry?” He looked away from her as if he was hurt.

  “Please don’t misunderstand me. If you feel called to do this and you
feel deep within your heart that this is what Jesus wants you to do, you’ll have my blessing.” She tried to gather her scattered thoughts. “But if you’re merely doing this to make up for the time you weren’t saved, then I think you need to reevaluate this whole thing. You’re still a new Christian. Do you even know what the scriptures say about good works?”

  “I’m not a child. I know what I want to do,” he said tersely.

  “Please don’t be offended. But you say you love me, so you must respect my feelings. Can’t you trust that I’m saying these things for your own good?”

  He ignored her question. “I said I loved you, but you never told me that you loved me.” He stared at her. “I wonder why that is. Are you really over your old boyfriend? I know he and his family have moved to Hawaii, but I still wonder if you’re over him.”

  She jerked her head back, floored by his question. Thoughts of her accidental meeting with Kevin raced through her mind. She shook her head, not wanting to give him the wrong idea. “It was hard for me when Kevin and I broke up, but I’m not in love with him.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Are you sure about that?”

  She stood, her chair scraping across the floor. “I spoke with Kevin shortly before he left.”

  “You called him?”

  She shook her head, not wanting John to get the wrong idea. “Of course not!” She took a deep breath and calmed herself down before telling John about her accidental meeting with Kevin at Wal-Mart. John didn’t comment about the conversation she’d had with her ex-boyfriend.

  “I’m still not sure you’re over him,” he said.

  She shook her head, angry. “I think it’s time to end this conversation. I’m ready to go home now.”

  As they exited the shop, the cold wind wrapped around her, and she shivered. Salty tears spilled down her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away, not wanting John to see the evidence of her pain. She stuffed her fists into her pockets, not giving him the opportunity to hold her hand as he usually did when they were together.

  Their brisk walk to his car was full of silence. Minutes later, he was pulling up into her driveway. He didn’t say good-bye as she exited the car. She didn’t close the door right away, wondering if she should say something. Her mind went blank, and she honestly had no idea what she should say. Instead, angry, sad, and flustered, she slammed the car door shut and walked into the house.

  She pulled off her coat and dropped it on the couch. As she heard him drive away, she lifted the curtain and watched his taillights disappear around the corner. Oh, Father God, why oh why does John really want to join this ministry? I thought he was the right man for me, but now I’m not so sure. I’m falling in love with him, Lord, but I’m scared. I’m so scared that I don’t know what to do with myself. But I’m going to leave this in Your hands, Lord, and I’ll try not to worry about it so much.

  Eleven

  The following week, Monica shook her head as she pulled into her driveway. Scotty was singing a new song he’d learned on the bus trip he’d taken that day with his Sunday school class. She was glad he was preoccupied because she was still thinking about the lunch she’d had with Karen and Anna earlier that day.

  Since Scotty had been on his bus trip, she had shared lunch with her two best friends. However, the conversation had focused on Anna and Dean Love. Things weren’t going well between Anna and Dean, and Karen pointed out that Anna was too pushy and anxious and that’s why Dean was now avoiding her. Monica had wanted to hear what they had to say about her problems with John, but they’d talked about Dean for so long that she didn’t even feel like talking about John. Focusing on Anna’s relationship gave her a brief reprieve from thinking about her own problems.

  A few hours later, after she’d had dinner with Scotty and sent him upstairs to go to bed, her longing for John’s company returned. She sat in her living room, flipping through channels on TV, trying to find something to keep her mind occupied. She yawned, wondering if she should go to bed early. However, she knew going to bed early wasn’t going to allow her to get more rest. Thoughts of John would plague her until she fell into a fitful sleep.

  Frustrated with the lack of good television shows, she turned off the TV and turned on a soft gospel CD. As the music wafted throughout her living room, she pulled down her book of devotionals, desperately trying to find comfort in the words printed on the page.

  When somebody knocked at her door, she dropped her book, wondering if John could be coming by at this late hour. As she opened the door, she checked the clock, noting it was almost 10:00 p.m. John stood on her doorstep clutching a sheaf of papers, his dark eyes apprehensive. “Can I come in?”

  She nodded. Her heart pounded as he entered her home. He handed her the papers. “Scotty left these at the school during his last tutoring session. I figured he’d need them since some of the material will be used in his class tomorrow.” John had held Scotty’s tutoring sessions at Scotty’s school since his argument with Monica.

  “Thanks.” She placed the papers on the coffee table. “I’ll be sure he takes them to school with him.”

  An awkward silence followed, and before Monica knew it, John placed his strong arms around her. He muttered an apology into her ear as she returned his hug. “I’m so sorry for getting angry with you.”

  When he released her, she was initially speechless. It took her a few moments to gather her thoughts. “I shouldn’t have spoken so negatively about something you really wanted to do.”

  He took her hand as they sat on the couch. “Can we talk?”

  She nodded, wondering what he was about to tell her now. “I guess you want to talk about this ministry.”

  He toyed with her hand, listening to her words. “I’d like to.”

  “But?”

  “But so far I haven’t taken any steps into going into the ministry.”

  She tried to decipher his words. “That’s odd. You seemed so intent upon doing this. Why don’t you get the ball rolling?”

  “I’m still considering it, and I’d like to do it, but I’m still giving the matter some thought and prayer.”

  Butterflies floated in her belly as he continued to hold her hand. She tried to focus on his words. “Just talk to the pastor about it, John.”

  “I’m one step ahead of you.”

  “Really? How so?”

  “I called the church office and scheduled to meet Pastor Martin later this week.” He ran his hand over his head. “Look, we had a disagreement, and couples need to learn to work through disagreements in order to make the relationship work.”

  “So you do consider us in a relationship?” The thought pleased her, and she hadn’t been sure where she stood with John until this moment.

  He scooted closer, pulling her into his arms. She found comfort in his embrace as she listened to his deep voice. “I’d like to think we are in a relationship. I know it’s been years since I’ve felt so strongly for someone. Do you realize how much I’ve missed seeing you over the last week?”

  “I’ve missed you, too. But by the way you’ve been acting lately, I just assumed we were finished with each other.”

  He grunted and encouraged her to continue.

  She balled her hands into fists as she recalled the last week. “Well, for starters, you’ve definitely been avoiding me. You’re tutoring Scotty at school now. You obviously don’t want to see me, since you haven’t been coming to my house.” She sighed, folding her arms in front of her chest. “You also refused to acknowledge me at church. It’s like I don’t exist.”

  He held her chin between his fingers, forcing her to look at him. “I’m sorry. That was childish and immature on my part. I should have let you know that you hurt my feelings by not agreeing with my ministry idea.” He kissed her, and the butterflies in her stomach exploded. “But I know we can work through this. Let�
��s give it some time. Maybe things will work out with your sister and Scotty, and you’ll be able to come on the road with me if I should decide to join the ministry.”

  She turned away, not at all enthused with the idea of traveling around the world. Although she loved being with John, she didn’t know if she could give up her job, her home, and her security to travel for a year. However, she kept those thoughts to herself as she thought about the situation logically.

  He had still not mentioned marriage, so she knew the question of her traveling with him was out unless he decided they should marry. She also wondered if God was really calling him into this ministry. Hopefully Pastor Martin would be able to shed some light on that subject. “Well, I’m not sure what’ll happen with Gina. I’ve been praying for her a lot lately.”

  “Speaking of your sister, how is Gina doing?”

  In spite of the turmoil with John during the last week, Monica did see a ray of hope in her life. “Well, I’d mentioned that she’s started reading her Bible.”

  He nodded. “Yes, you did tell me about that.”

  She sat up straighter, enthusiastic about Gina’s progress. “And my mom said she’s gone to church a couple of times, even spoke with the reverend once.”

  “That’s wonderful. Do you think she’s ready to turn her life around?”

  She shrugged, not wanting to get her hopes up. “I’m not sure. Gina can be very sneaky at times. There were times when it may have appeared she was getting better, but she would backslide and go back to her old ways. I wouldn’t put it past her to be attending church and reading her Bible just because she knows it’s something my parents want her to do, not because she wants to.”

  He scratched his head, obviously puzzled. “I’m missing something here. Why would she do it just to please your parents?”

  “I just said she was sneaky. She may want to ask my parents for a large sum of money and figure if it appears she’s cleaning up her life, then they’ll give her what she wants.”