More Than Enough

by Johnson, Ashley

  I looked at the clock and yawned. “I’m going to go lay down mom. Thank you for letting me come stay.”

  “Not a worry baby girl. Get some rest.”

  She disappeared into her room and I stalked slowly to my bedroom. Suddenly I wasn’t sure if this was the better decision. Facing these demons were something I hadn’t really given too much thought to. What if I begin to literally lose my mind? Maybe I should have stayed with Gary.

  I stood outside the closed door just staring at it. The wooden ‘M’ that I had painted pink with blue polka dots still hung on the door along with a cheerleading pennant from my high school.

  Before I opened the door and faced whatever demons were waiting on the other side of the door, I grabbed my freshly charged phone and texted Paul. “Thank you again Will ;)”

  Instantly he replied, “You’re welcome Grace :)”

  I drew in a deep breath and walked inside the room. I searched for a familiar scent but couldn’t find one. You couldn’t smell the Britney Spears perfume I used to wear or the massive amounts of hairspray I would put in my hair to keep it in place for games. I flipped the light switch on to find everything looking exactly how I left it four years ago. My bed was still unmade. The pink striped comforter was still pulled back and the pillow still lay at the head of the bed.

  The tan colored walls still held the same posters. The poster of Kurt Cobain still hung next to the one of No Doubt and on the other wall my Marilyn Monroe calendar was next to my clock that held the wrong time. Guess that battery died a while back. There were one or two framed pictures of me and my mom hanging on the other side of the clock along with a picture of my old cheerleading team. I smiled at the memories and yawned. I was exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally.

  Things have become such a mess and I was trapped in the middle of it all. This was definitely not how this night was supposed to have gone. I never thought I’d see the day I was back in this house. The urge to text Luke came across my mind one more time and before I could decide whether to or not, I fell asleep with the phone lying in my hand.

  “Ohmigod Trevor I think it’s time!” The warm liquid slid down my legs and for a minute, I thought I had just peed myself. This definitely was not pee.

  Trevor came running in the room with a huge grin on his face. He pulled me in for a kiss which was amazing, but I felt absolutely disgusting.

  I slowly moved to the bathroom and wiped down my legs as he went to get our bags that we had packed for the hospital. He threw them in the car and came back inside to help get me. I started breathing pretty heavy trying not to freak out. I wasn’t having contractions or anything yet, but it was pretty nerve racking knowing I would be giving birth sometime today to our daughter.

  I pulled my phone out and sent a group text to Halley and Gary. They both responded rather quickly and told me they were on their way to the hospital.

  Instantly they admitted me and I was in a room on a drip that hurt like hell. The nurse said this will soften my cervix. Eff that!! She needs to see what this feels like. Halley sat there feeding me ice chips while Gary and Trevor were talking. They have it so easy; I really don’t like them right now. I’m sick and tired of ice. I want real food so this baby needs to come on! The contractions I had begun having were horrible. It felt like the worst menstrual cramps times a million. That’s the only way I can think to describe it. But once I got the epidural, I felt like a whole new woman. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. I could talk without wincing at pain.

  Two hours later, the nurse said the baby was ready and she ran to grab the doctor. Gary and Halley walked out of the room so I could bring our daughter into the world. Dr. Reid was amazing the whole time and when he placed her in my arms for the first time, I cried.

  “You did it baby.” Trevor said giving me a kiss on my forehead before he leaned in to kiss her head.

  “No, we did it.” Now we our family is finally complete.

  But it still felt like something was missing…..someone with green eyes, wait who? I don’t know anyone like that. What’s wrong with you Macy?

  I woke up trembling at the dream I just had. It took a minute or two for me to realize where I was once I tried to feel for Luke and couldn’t feel him. Awkward isn’t even the word for this moment. I’ve been so used to his chest pressed up against my back for so long now; it’s like remembering how to breathe all over again. I checked my phone to see what time it was. It was a few minutes before six am. The sun would be coming up soon and a new day was here whether I like it or not.

  Everything from the night before started coming back to me slowly. Drinking with Halley, dancing, meeting Paul, missing the hell out of Luke then Trevor. He ruined everything for me again. I can’t believe he tried to kiss me. He had a hell of a lot of nerve, but then when didn’t he have nerve? Thank God he hadn’t tried to text me or I would really light his ass on fire. I was beyond pissed at this point, I was purely livid. Now the thought of having to walk with him in the wedding really did make me sick to my stomach but being the best friend I am, I’m going to suck it up and deal with it. I can’t believe Luke didn’t believe me and just walked away like that. He said he’d never leave me, I heard him tell his Mom he was never going to let me go. He told me that and I believed it with everything in me. He asked me to marry him for crying out loud and I said yes. My heart was his still, I couldn’t take it away. I’d forgotten all about how it felt to hurt and I need someone to take all the knives out my chest because that’s what it feels like. Pure, searing pain all through my body. If it hadn’t been for Paul, I’m not sure what I would have done.

  Slowly I sat up on my bed and took in the same surroundings I did just a few hours ago when I got here. I groaned and drug myself out of bed. Gross I still smelt like last night. I desperately wanted all of last night off of me. Good thing about being at my mom’s house was I still had a dresser full of clothes. I fumbled for a pair of soft shorts and an old high school t-shirt. On the floor by my dresser was a pair of Nike shoes that I had bought the day before I left. They were still practically brand new. Good I needed shoes to wear. I definitely was unprepared for this trip. I loved my boots but my feet were bound to be killing me if I wore them all day long.

  I opened my bedroom door and peered out down the hall. The house was quiet, almost an eerie kind of quiet. She must still be sleeping. I made my way to the bathroom and shut the door. I wasn’t sure why I even looked in the mirror, it was just horrible. My face was worn out and my eyes had bags under them from crying last night. I looked like a damn train wreck. All aboard the hot mess express. I got the clothes off and stood in the hot shower letting the water wash all the pain away. Under the shower, I couldn’t help but start crying again and I let all the tears go down the drain.

  I towel dried my hair once I got out and used a little of mom’s makeup to help me not look like I’ve been constantly crying. Shit. I don’t think I had it this bad over Trevor. No, I didn’t have it this bad. I stayed numb the whole time with Trevor and with Luke; I felt every single ounce of pain. No one should have to feel this kind of pain. Love hurts like hell and now I am nothing but all alone in this crazy world because of one person’s selfishness.

  Mom was still sleeping as I crept back to my room. Being in this room suddenly didn’t bother me anymore. I guess time does heal all things. I couldn’t just sit still though, too many memories would creep into my head and I needed to get my mind off Luke no matter how bad I just wanted to keep him there. I put my shoes on and spotted the ear buds lying on my dresser. I grabbed the phone and plugged them in and turned on the music player.

  Once I got outside, I stretched my legs then took off running. I hadn’t run in four years but it felt like I never stopped. I listened as I blasted ‘Madness’ by Muse on repeat, running as if my life depended on it. I just ran, with no direction in particular.

  I felt my phone vibrate from a message and looked to see Paul had made good on his promise. “I’m just waking up and wan
ted to check on you Grace.”

  I smiled and slowed down to a brisk walk to answer. “I am fine Will :) just out for a run to ease my mind.”

  “You’re crazy girl. I’ll ttyl”

  I responded with a smiley face then began running again. I ran about two miles in one direction and then slowed down again to walk. It was almost ten now. I really wanted to text Luke or call him but I was so scared. I really figured that by now he would have made some sort of effort to call me or text me and at least really hear me out. I hate over thinking things, it’s not good for me at all and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Did he ever really love me? Should I have seen some sort of sign that he would have left me like this? Would he have left me at Halley’s wedding if he hadn’t seen Trevor last night? Did he seriously want to marry me or was it some spur of the moment thing because we’d been drinking? Gah, my mind is spinning and it’s not helping my situation at all.

  This was so unlike the Trevor incident where I was the one hurt and refused to talk to him. The roles had been switched and I absolutely hated it. As the sun got situated in the sky, the heat began to intensify. I reached in my pocket to find the five dollar bill I had left from last night and made my way across to the gas station.

  A bottle of water later and I felt like a new woman. I sat there for a few minutes just thinking some more. That was all I could do. Shit. I needed to call Halley and let her know what happened. She would kill me if she heard I was here and I wasn’t the one to tell her but then again, who would tell her? Gary didn’t even know where I was. I tapped her name and then hit call.

  “Hello?” She answered really groggy. I almost forgot how fucked up she got last night. The last I saw of her was when I made sure she got into the limo before all hell broke loose. I wanted to kick myself in the ass for not getting into that limo with her. Good thing I waited until now to call her.

  “Hey Hales how you feeling this morning?” I took a sip of my water and it felt so cool and refreshing.

  “Ugh, I’ve been better. My head is pounding but I haven’t thrown up again. I got a text from Crystal and Reina that they made it home.”

  “Good, they were fun.”

  “Hey do you want to come over later and help me get my list together for the DJ? Oh hey can you sing a song too while Marcus and I have our first dance? I know I’m so late on asking since it’s in a week.”

  Here came the part where I had to tell her I wasn’t even home. And that Luke wouldn’t even talk to me. I felt the tears sting at the back of my eyes and I took a deep breath trying to decide how to tell her.

  “I, uh, I’m not home Hales.” I clenched at my chest trying to breathe and not hyperventilate over this all over again. Talking about it felt like it was last night all over again. Talking made me want to crawl in the corner and cry.

  Her voice suddenly didn’t sound as groggy as it did when I first called. She was alert to that one sentence I just said. “What do you mean you’re not home Macy? Where are you? Did you get arrested or something?”

  Arrested? I wanted to laugh at that one. What in the world would I have gotten arrested for last night? Although, I think I would have much rather spent the night in a jail cell than had to have gone through Luke walking away from me. I looked around and saw a happy couple walking towards me. They reminded me of everything that Luke and I were before last night. Absolutely in love. I know the feeling that crept over me, it was jealousy because right now that was absent from my life.

  “God no I didn’t get arrested. Do you think my first phone call would be to you? I think I’d call Gary or…that’s not important. I’m, uh, at my Moms.”

  I had to pull the phone away from my ear so I wouldn’t go deaf from her scream. Yep, she was wide awake now.

  “At your Mom’s?! Macy why are you there?” Tons of concern filled her voice and I stood to walk around to keep my head straight.

  “After you left, uh, Trevor tried to talk to me outside and he, um, he kissed me—“

  ‘WHAT?” Oh crap, I didn’t pull the phone away and my ear was now throbbing. My heart began beating faster as I tried to keep my composure. “What the hell Macy? What about Luke?”

  She did what she always does the best. Assuming and cutting me off before I could even finish the fact that I didn’t kiss him back.

  “Halley Moore let me fucking finish please. He kissed me and I didn’t kiss him back. I pushed him away. Luke showed up and…” I just stopped talking because the tears that I’d fought to hold back started coming up again. Crap, I can’t talk about this. I miss him so much already. I began pacing trying to find a sort of peace. Once the tears were at bay, I began talking again. “He didn’t believe anything and he got in his car and left. Paul from the bar came outside and talked to me and he drove me here. I’m only here probably for a day or so then I’ll be back. Definitely in time for your wedding so don’t flip. I swear I’m not backing out again. I just wanted to tell you where I was.”

  “Does Luke know you’re there?”

  “He won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to text him and he just keeps saying he can’t do this.”

  “Just give him time Mace and if he comes to me looking for you I’ll set his ass straight.”

  I laughed and knew that she was positively telling the truth. If there was something she was good at, it was getting her point across and proving whatever story she had. She always had my back no matter what whether I was in the right or wrong. I was definitely not in the wrong right now. “Ok well hey I went for a run and I need to head back to the house before she sends the infantry after me.”

  “Ok, be safe and let me know as soon as you get back.”

  I hung up the call and debated one more time whether to call Luke or not. I decided on not to, I didn’t want to push him at all. I just want to look into those green eyes and tell him how much I love him but I’m tired of making the first move. I finally decided to change the song to something else. I was beginning to get more and more depressed, although that wasn’t what I was intending. This run was supposed to be clearing my mind and instead all it did was cloud it with more crap. I began humming ‘Eye of The Tiger’ as it played through my ear buds and I slowly began my run back home.

  When I first left the house I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings too much. I passed the oak tree at the park that I used to climb with my friends in elementary school. When we were in middle school we all tried to come carve our initials onto the trunk but it really just ended up looking like a bunch of chicken scratch. This place looked the same as it did back then. The same swing set still sat to the left and the playground was set up to the right. Sure they’ve upgraded some of the playground but the tall slide still stood off to the side.

  I ran right past the park and passed the house where my childhood best friend Jane lived. We spent many nights having sleepovers and getting her mom to order pizza and make us cookies. We’d watch old 80’s movies with her mom all night long curled up on their huge sofas. One of our favorite movies to watch was Grease. I used to love to do my best Rizzo impersonation while I sang about Sandra Dee. She moved though our freshman year of high school. I was so sad, Mom had to literally drag me out of the house and get me involved with some sort of extracurricular activities. That’s when my mom suggested that I try out for the cheerleading team and of course I made it. I was actually really good at it. I had the perfect voice for cheering and I could cut a mean cartwheel. The whole yelling ‘Go Team Go’ and jumping up and down thing was pretty exciting.

  As I neared the house, I saw Mom sitting outside. Waiting for me, I’m sure. She probably figured I up and left this morning although if she remembered right, I had no way to leave. I slowed down to a walk as I approached the fresh cut yard. I made sure not to trek through her flowers because if I remember right, she hated that. I used to do it just to piss her off when I didn’t get my way.

  “Hey Mom, I went for a run.”

  She laughed and took a sip of her coke, “I see that.
I thought you maybe up and ran off already.”

  “Nope, I’m still here. I’m going to go shower though real quick.”

  I ran past her to my room to grab a pair of jeans out of my closet and another high school t-shirt. I had plenty of those lying around.

  After my second shower of the day, I put the final outfit on and opened the bathroom door. I could hear mom on the phone but she hurried and ended whatever call it was. I didn’t hear anything; I just shrugged my shoulders and walked into the kitchen where she was standing.

  “Hey mom, do you want to go shopping? I need to get a phone charger. I figure we can spend some time together.” Asking that felt like pulling teeth. Sounds harsh but I wasn’t sure how to go about building this so-called relationship. Luke is who started all this and I was just smart enough to take his lead and hope for the best.

  “Yeah Macy, I’d love that,” She smiled “Let me get out of these pajamas.”

  She ran off to her room and I walked into the living room to look around some more. On the mantel was the picture of her, Ray, and I at the cheerleader banquet my freshman year. I really wish she would get rid of that picture or at least cut him out. But freshman year I didn’t exactly have a problem with the guy. He was nothing more than the man who made mom happy and did everything he could to help provide for me what my father wouldn’t.

  I was still looking around and getting ready to sit when Mom popped up behind me, “Ok I’m ready to go.”