Don't Explain

by Audrey Dacey

  Caitlyn hesitated. It was one thing to go over there once without checking with Alexis. Twice was pushing it. Really pushing it. “I don’t know.”

  “Oh c’mon, Murph.”

  “Yeah, Murph,” Margaret said, much to Caitlyn’s distaste. “We should all go. It’ll be fun, and we can continue to get to know each other.”

  Caitlyn shook her head no.

  “You know these woods, the flora, the fauna, better than I do, being a native and everything. It would be very helpful if you were there.”

  Margaret folded her fingers together, “Please.”

  Caitlyn took in a deep breath and said, “Fine.” She wasn’t entirely sure why. She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to be Margaret’s friend. She didn’t want to get her ass chewed by Alexis. But she said it anyway.

  “Excuse me, ma’am.” Caitlyn flipped around to find a burly man, standing in the entrance to the kitchen. “I have a few questions about where you want some things to go.”

  Margaret pushed her chair back and stood up. Caitlyn mimicked her. “I should really be going anyway.”

  Distress crossed Margaret’s face. “No. I thought we could have dinner.”

  “I can’t tonight.” She really couldn’t handle any more of this tonight.

  Margaret walked around the table and hugged Caitlyn who stood there frozen and uncomfortable. “Thanks for coming over.”

  Caitlyn gave her a quick pat on the back, hoping it would signal Margaret to get off of her. Margaret let go of Caitlyn, though it seemed for some other reason, and smiled at her.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Margaret said and left the room.

  Caitlyn looked at Michael. “Okay, bye,” she said and began to leave, but he chased after her.

  “I’ll walk you out.”

  Caitlyn didn’t wait for him. She just kept walking silently until she reached her car. When she did, he was right beside her. “She’s really nice.”

  “Yeah. She is.”

  “Then why’d she leave.”

  “She was scared when she found out about the baby. Didn’t know what to do or what I would say. She thought it would inconvenience me to have to deal with it.”

  Figured. She was trying to be polite. “She inconvenienced me.” Caitlyn opened the car door.

  Michael took in a breath slowly through his nose and let it out quickly. “Will I really see you tomorrow?” he asked.

  “I said I would. Besides, I want to check out all of your new land.” She thought about how all the land was a major influence in her choosing this house. The property stretched over five acres, and they had always enjoyed spending time together outside, so she thought that they would have fun if he had that much land that they could explore. An intense resentment crept up in her, but she pushed it back down with a deep breath and slid into the seat. “Is 3:00 alright?”

  “Sounds good. You're a good friend, Murph.”

  She looked at him and said, “I know, but I don’t know for how long,” and slammed the car door.

  #

  By the next morning, Caitlyn really regretted saying that she would go back for the walk. After thinking about it the rest of the evening and then sleeping on it, she was sure that she couldn't be around Margaret for any extended period of time. Despite all this and because of her desperate want to see Michael again, she turned toward his house instead of hers after closing up the shop. She wished that had not driven; her car always seemed to go to him.

  This was an unbearable arrangement. She was still unsure what prompted him to go through with the move here instead of going back to California after he found out about the baby and decided to make it work with Margaret. She wished she could tell him to move back, to go away. She had enough friends, and she didn't need another two more, especially one she was in love with. She knew that you can't really tell someone to move away. That was beyond the rudeness she was willing to extend.

  When Caitlyn arrived, she grabbed a duffle out of the backseat. She was not going to tread through the forest in her work clothes. Michael met her in the driveway, and they walked together toward the house so she could change.

  “Margaret is too tired to go on the walk,” he started. “So it looks like it’s just going to be the two of us.”

  Caitlyn tried to act bereaved. “Oh, that's too bad,” she said, but immediately knew it sounded incredibly insincere. “Hold on let me try again.” She took a deep breath and repeated herself, but it sounded the same. “Nope. Can't do it.”

  Michael shook his head at her disappointedly while rolling his eyes.

  “I'm trying,” she responded to the gesture.

  “I know, and you’ve been doing very well.”

  When they got inside and climbed the stairs, Caitlyn noticed that everything was already in its place. All the paper plates, boxes, clothes, and bubble wrap was gone. It was like they had lived in the house forever.

  “Jeez. You guys have been busy.”

  Michael smiled. “Nesting has its perks, but it interferes with my sleep.”

  Caitlyn turned down the hallway and was about to go into the bathroom when she saw Margaret barreling down the hallway towards her. She stepped back, slightly afraid she was going to tackle her, but instead, Margaret ran into the bathroom and slammed the door.

  Caitlyn stood there in a daze before looking over her shoulder at Michael wide-eyed.

  “Sorry. She’s been getting sick a lot.”

  Margaret was only in the bathroom for about thirty seconds. “Sorry,” she said and slunk back toward the bedroom at the end of the hall.

  Caitlyn cautiously went into the bathroom looking around for evidence of vomiting, so that she could avoid it. If there was even the littlest amount of vomit anywhere in the bathroom, she would not be able to hold back her gag reflex. After a quick inspection, she determined that it was probably safe. She closed the door and quickly changed. She splashed cold water on her face in an attempt to ground herself. “You can do this,” she encouraged herself. She felt tears rise up, but she looked firmly at herself, “Don't you dare. You're better than this. It's better to have him as a friend than nothing at all.”

  Caitlyn tried to calm her mind of the thoughts she was having of Michael as they walked the property. She wished that she could exclusively think of his naked body, him sending throbbing pleasure through her body, or tearing his clothes off and making love to him in the woods. While she occasionally thought of these things, she mostly thought of him taking care of her, the plans she had made for the future, and the gentle kisses he had run down the length of her body. So she was quiet most of the time, and though she was trying to participate in the conversation she was too easily distracted by her own thoughts.

  Several times she almost blurted out what she thinking but managed to talk herself out of it. The cool autumn air kept her from getting too hot from embarrassment. When she watched Michael step on rocks and heard the crunch of fallen leaves under his shoes, all she could do was observe the contour of the muscles in his arms and strength of his calves as he expediently moved across the property. Occasionally, his shirt would fall just right so that she could see the definition in his abs and chest. She yearned for those thoughts of them together, and eventually she began aching so profoundly that she had to hurry up beside him to limit her field of vision and hopefully restrain those desires, at least for the moment.

  Michael looked back at Caitlyn with a frown. “Are you okay?”

  Caitlyn was startled out of her thoughts. “Um, yeah. Of course.”

  He grabbed her hand, laced his fingers through hers, and stopped. She followed his lead, startled by the suddenness of his touch. He stared deep into her eyes, “I want you to know that what we had wasn't a fling, and it wasn't an accident. I kissed you because I wanted to. I made love to you because it felt right. I would be with you now—I want to be with you now—but I can't.”

  She stared back at him. “That’s a terrible thing to say when you have a fiancé.�
�� Her eyes began to moisten and all thoughts turned back to the pain she still felt from having a broken heart.

  “I have an obligation to Margaret, to our baby, to make that relationship work.” He took a hold of her waist and pulled her into his arms. “I don't want to be with her, but I am not the kind of guy who walks away from something like this.”

  Caitlyn was sobbing. “I know” was muffled into his chest. “I can't just get over it, and it's still difficult to see you. I don't think I can do this again.”

  He ran his fingers through her hair, and she was almost comforted by his gentle touch. “I need you in my life. I can't let you go again. I won't go a decade without hearing from you. I know this is not what we planned, and I can't imagine how hard this must for you, because it's killing me, but please don't leave me.”

  She looked up at him, and tears welled in her eyes. She wanted to kiss him, to hold him tight and not let go until he submitted to being hers and hers alone, but she couldn't. She couldn't ask him to go against his principles. She couldn't change the man she knew to get a man she couldn't respect. She did not want to be the woman who destroyed a family or a good man.

  As she looked into his eyes, she couldn't help but feel deeply for him and was tempted to be selfish. She rose up on her toes, closed her eyes, and gently kissed him on the cheek. While her eyes were closed, she remembered the nights that they had spent together and the intimate moments they had shared since he had first arrived. She longed for the moments so intensely that she began moving toward his lips but pulled away shamefully in the last moment. She unwrapped her arms from his waist and slowly moved away from him. She looked into his eyes one last time before walking again.

  CHAPTER 12

  “Of course you still want to go,” Alexis said.

  Caitlyn looked at Alexis, who was dressed up in a sexy black dress, which clung to the few curves that she had and that not-so-subtly accentuated her breasts, and shiny black peep-toe pumps. She then looked down at her cotton, gray, drawstring pants, matching hoodie, and camisole.

  She smiled wearily at her friend, “I'm not in the mood, and I'm not at all dressed for it.” She knew it was not going to go over well when she decided to blow off her weekend plans with Alexis, but she was drained from trying to be Michael's friend and getting to know Margaret.

  “That's too damn bad because I am, and you said you would. What happened between Wednesday and now?” Alexis snatched Caitlyn's phone out of the front pocket of the hoodie before Caitlyn even realized what was going on. She began to wrestle with her to try to get the phone back, but Alexis scampered to the middle of the gravel driveway. Caitlyn looked down at her bare feet and knew that she couldn't catch her, even though Alexis was teetering in her five-inch heels.

  Alexis started looking through the call log. “Six calls! You answered six calls from him!” She did some more research, “You called him twice and went to his house.” Alexis apparently found the text message she had sent saying that she was on her way. “Get in the house. You are going out, and tonight you are going to have crazy sex with a total stranger. We have got to get this guy out of your system.” Alexis headed back to Caitlyn's house and pushed past her into the living room.

  “It's not that simple,” she called after her as she entered the house. “I love him.”

  “After tonight, you loved him. Get in your room and get ready. I'll hold onto your phone because apparently you aren't ready for that type of responsibility.” Alexis pointed to the bedroom and stared down Caitlyn until she felt obligated to go change.

  Caitlyn shuffled through the clothes in her closet. There was no way she was going to have sex with a stranger tonight. If Alexis knew anything about Caitlyn, she knew that she was not that type of girl. Caitlyn pulled a casual cotton denim-blue dress off of a hanger. The plunging neckline should be enough to satisfy Alexis, but the dress wouldn't be considered sexy. Cute at best.

  She took off her clothes and put on the dress. She pulled her hair out of the pony tail, wet her brush and ran it through her hair. As a final touch she put on a layer of mascara, and then walked into the living room announcing that she was ready to go.

  Alexis looked at her and laughed. “Yeah right.” She stood up from the couch and grabbed Caitlyn by the arm leading her back into the bedroom. She sat her on the bed and went into the closet, returning with a champagne-colored off-shoulder cocktail dress. It dipped slightly in the center of the collar that would reveal a minimal amount of cleavage, but it stopped a good four inches above her knees. “Put this on.” Alexis commanding, shoving the dress at Caitlyn.

  Caitlyn laughed as she put the dress on the bed. “Try again. This was my bridesmaid dress from Megan's wedding. I'm not wearing that to a bar.”

  “Well, since you aren't taking this seriously, you don't have a choice. It's a good thing that Megan has good taste.”

  Caitlyn sighed and took the dress to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She slipped on the dress and took a long look in the mirror. The dress hugged her chest beautifully and accented her creamy neckline and shoulders. The silky fabric flared away at her hips. She was vaguely surprised that the dress still fit. She had to agree with Alexis: Megan did have good taste when it came to clothes. She was lucky that Megan wasn't a bridezilla who dressed her attendants up in a horrible bulgy chiffon or tulle number in an equally horrible color. Megan was pretty confident that she was going to be the most beautiful person at her wedding, so she did not torture her bridesmaids.

  Caitlyn walked out of the bathroom. Alexis smiled.

  “Perfect. Sit down.” She had set a kitchen chair out in front of Caitlyn's cherry dresser.

  Caitlyn obeyed while Alexis went into the bathroom and grabbed a comb and a curling iron. Caitlyn thought back to the night of Greasy Gary and quickly became frightened that this was going to be another one of those nights. Alexis plugged in the curling iron, and while letting it warm up, she grabbed a pair of taupe heels from Caitlyn's closet.

  Caitlyn resisted. “They have a bow. Bows aren't sexy.”

  “Do you have anything else that matches?”

  “No, which is why I should change.” She smoothed out her dress, failing to get it to reach her knees.

  “Not a chance. Put them on.”

  Caitlyn sighed as she slipped the shoes on her feet. She wondered for a moment if sitting in Michael's kitchen with Margaret would be more comfortable, but she rapidly decided to stick with Alexis.

  Alexis styled Caitlyn's hair with large waves and big curls framing her face and around the bottom edge. Caitlyn insisted on doing her own makeup, and Alexis consented as long as she could observe and Caitlyn took it seriously. When she was done, Caitlyn looked at herself in the dresser mirror. She hardly recognized herself. She felt sexy. Want-able. It had been a couple of weeks since she felt that way, and she didn't remember ever feeling that way without a man actively seducing her.

  “Okay.” She looked at her friend. “I'm ready to go.”

  #

  Where the hell is my wing man, she thought. Caitlyn vigilantly sipped her vodka tonic, as she looked around the room for Alexis. She apparently did her job and then took off with someone else.

  The man across from Caitlyn was repeating how beautiful she looked, and she was purposefully ignoring him. He was sweet, but the overwhelming number of compliments was starting to make her uncomfortable.

  The man placed his hand on the inside of Caitlyn's thigh. She felt a warm panic fill her as she looked at the stranger sitting before her. His brown eyes looked deeply into hers, and he had a very serious expression on his face. His chestnut hair was styled messily on the top of his head in a carefully crafted just-out-of-bed look. A light stubble adorned his young face. He was probably ten years younger than Caitlyn. That was the first strike against him. Caitlyn had not wanted to hang out with college guys since college.

  He held onto her thigh as he brushed back the waterfall of hair covering Caitlyn's right eye. “So what do you th
ink?”

  She shuddered and the warmth centered itself in her stomach. “What do I think about what?” she stammered.

  “Let's get out of here.” He stood up and grabbed her free hand. “I want to talk some place a little quieter. My apartment is just around the corner. We can walk.”

  Caitlyn looked at his broad shoulders and his masculine frame. She noticed that he was obviously aroused and that his black trousers were doing a poor job of concealing it. Physically, he was tempting, but he was kind of a douche bag, and anyway, she couldn't do it. She would not have any fun. She knew that she would only compare this guy's performance with Michael's and that was a hell of a bar to reach even for someone so youthful.

  She shook her head, and her red mane waved from side to side. “No, thanks. I'm here with a friend. I can't just leave her.” She looked around trying to find Alexis.

  Her excuses fell on deaf ears. “I doubt that she'll mind. Didn't she say that you needed…” he paused to figure out how to put it, “to be distracted?”

  “Listen, you're trying to be sweet, but I can't do this. I just broke up with someone.” She was throwing out any excuse to get rid of the guy, whose name she had mysteriously overlooked, but he wasn't getting the hint.

  “That's even better. I bet you I can make you forget all about him.”

  Doubt it. He ran his fingers down the length of her arm and grabbed her other hand. He pulled her down from the barstool, and she was unable to balance herself before falling into his chest. The remainder of her drink went toppling with her and ran down the arm of his charcoal, ribbed sweater.

  “I'm sorry, but you caught me a little off guard.” He was really starting to get on her nerves.

  He gave her a sideways smile, “See, now we have to go back to my place so that I can take off my shirt.” The garish line swept away any remaining desire she had to be with this guy.