Holding onto Hope

by Nicki Edwards

  She spun around and when she saw him and didn’t smile, his stomach plummeted further.

  ‘Is Oliver okay?’ he asked as he strode towards her, arms outstretched.

  ‘Oliver’s fine,’ she said.

  She gave him the briefest of hugs and something cold slipped down his spine.

  ‘He turned a corner last night,’ she said, ‘and they’re taking out his tube soon. Hopefully he’ll be out of ICU later today or tomorrow and onto the paeds ward.’

  ‘Thank God.’ He stroked her cheek. ‘You look shattered.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Have you managed to get some sleep?

  ‘A little I think.’ She rubbed at her stiff neck. ‘It felt like Piper and Charlotte didn’t sleep at all last night. I took it in turns with Margot to feed them, but they just wouldn’t settle. Courtney spent the night at the hospital again with Lachie and Ollie.’

  ‘Are you hungry?’ he asked. ‘I haven’t had breakfast yet.’

  She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. The cold feeling down his spine turned to ice.

  ‘I’m famished. That’s why I was heading out. I need some fresh air, food and coffee.’ She offered another half-smile. ‘Not necessarily in that order.’

  He held out his hand. ‘Let’s go find us something to eat then go for a walk. It’s not too cold outside.’

  She ignored his hand and his stomach knotted. He wasn’t imagining things—there was a definite shift between them—a coolness he hadn’t expected—and he didn’t like it one bit.

  She followed him to McDonalds and ordered a takeaway coffee and a toasted sandwich. He ordered the same and they chatted about nothing while they waited. Everything within him wanted to ask what was wrong, but he had a sense he needed to tread lightly.

  What he really wanted was to get down on one knee and ask her to come back home to Macarthur Point and live with him happily ever after. As far as he was concerned, all they needed to do was pick up where they’d abruptly left things and make plans for the future.

  ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she said. ‘Lachlan will be happy to see you.’

  His throat tightened. No mention that she was happy to see him.

  ‘I wish I could have been here to take care of you,’ he said carefully.

  She didn’t reply. He took their sandwiches and his coffee, and they stepped outside into the sunshine and headed down the street to a nearby park.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked as they walked through the entrance of the park and headed across the grass.

  He wanted to take her hand—the one that wasn’t carrying her coffee—but his own hands were full and hers was shoved in the pocket of her jacket.

  ‘I’m okay. Tired . . . scared.’ The last word seemed to slip out.

  He glanced at her, but she’d turned her face away from him. Was she crying?

  He steered her towards a park bench and sat, waiting for her to sit beside him. He struggled to find air for his lungs. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

  He touched her arm. ‘Scared of what, Hope?’

  She sighed slowly and softly, and he held his breath because he guessed whatever she was about to say he wasn’t going to like. But whatever it was, he was convinced they could work it out. If she let him.

  She squeezed her eyes shut as if she was searching for the right words.

  ‘I’ve been so happy in Macarthur Point these last six weeks, Mitch, but coming back to Melbourne—to the hospital—has reminded me of everything I’d have to give up if I stayed in Macarthur Point.’

  Her words hit like a punch to the gut and he felt like a little boy again, standing on the front veranda, wondering when his mum was coming back.

  He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and fiddled with the plastic lid on his coffee cup. Neither of them had touched their sandwiches.

  He had no idea what to say. When Hope walked back into his life, everything had clicked into place. He’d opened his heart, she’d stepped in, and for the first time in his life he felt whole. Now she was telling him she couldn’t do it.

  He swallowed. Maybe he’d misinterpreted or misunderstood what she’d said. Sitting back, he turned to face her. ‘Are you saying you’re not coming back for a while?’ he asked. If she left him now, she’d be taking a piece of his broken heart with her.

  She didn’t answer, just stared out across the park for a long time and the sense of foreboding grew stronger.

  ‘I don’t know what I want to do,’ she said finally. She put a hand on his arm. ‘I care deeply for you, Mitch and I love Macarthur Point, but I’m scared I’ll feel trapped again if I stay.’

  He frowned. ‘Again?’

  ‘I’ve never really properly explained why I have such an issue with settling down.’

  She’d tried. He just didn’t bloody get it.

  ‘Do you remember that kid’s cartoon called The Wild Thornberry’s?’ she asked.

  What did that have to do with anything? ‘Vaguely.’

  ‘It was about a nomadic family of documentary filmmakers who travelled all over the world and the girl could talk to animals.’ She smiled. ‘I used to think that would be such a cool gift to have, don’t you think?’

  ‘It would,’ he agreed.

  ‘Yeah, well, I can’t talk to animals, but the Thornberry’s might as well be my parents. My dad even looks like Nigel Thornberry.’

  She chuckled and it was reassuring to hear her laugh.

  ‘He has the same big nose, bushy moustache, sticky-out ears and prominent front teeth. Honestly, they could have modelled the character on Dad.’

  That made him smile.

  ‘My earliest memories are of constant travel—of being on the road in foreign countries. I lived in three different continents before I was a teenager. I know a nomadic lifestyle isn’t for everyone, but once you’re hooked, you’re hooked. I think that’s partially why I don’t mind shift work.’

  ‘Unlike my crappy childhood, yours sounds amazing.’

  ‘It mostly was. And my parents are incredible people who have dedicated their entire lives to helping others so there’s a sense of purpose in the reason we shifted around so much.’

  He sensed a “but” and waited.

  ‘This is hard to explain.’ She put her legs in front of her and tapped her prosthetic leg with her other foot. ‘When I lost my leg, I lost my independence. I knew I’d never be whole again and a part of me convinced myself that no one would find me attractive. The life I’d planned was over. For a long time, all I saw was my disfigurement and I thought that’s all other people saw too. My biggest fear was I would be a burden on my parents and on their work. For a while I was suicidal.’

  ‘You thought they’d be better off without you?’ he asked.

  ‘I thought everyone would be better off.’

  ‘Oh, God, Hope. No.’ He scarcely believed what he was hearing. He’d had no idea she’d struggled so much.

  ‘It’s okay. I had counselling and since then, I’ve never been back in that dark place.’

  Relief swept over him but he was still on edge. ‘Did your parents know how you felt?’

  She shook her head. ‘I didn’t want them to know. They were already struggling. When we lived in Melbourne for those three years after my cancer diagnosis and chemo and rehab, I could tell I was a noose around their necks. Mum and Dad hated being cooped up. I could tell they wanted to be free and not stuck in the one place because of me.’

  He frowned. ‘Really? Did they tell you that?’

  ‘Not in so many words.’

  He wanted to take her hand and wind his fingers around hers, but he held back, knowing the last thing she needed was for him to push her.

  ‘I think your cancer was the noose around their necks, Hope, not you. Perhaps the reason it was so difficult for your parents had nothing to do with where you lived, but what you were all going through at the time.’

  She chewed her bottom lip as if she’d never considered that. ‘Maybe
.’

  ‘Have you ever asked them how they felt? You might find they were struggling, not with being tied to one place, but because their precious only daughter had cancer and had to have her leg amputated to save her life.’

  ‘Possibly,’ she said softly.

  He saw tears well in her eyes before she hastily brushed them away.

  ‘Sorry. I should have told you all this sooner. Maybe then you would have understood why I’m not sure I can stay in Macarthur Point forever.’

  ‘You feel like it would be a noose again.’

  She nodded.

  His heart sank. She had this all wrong, but it would take more than his words to change her mind.

  ‘I know you probably don’t understand,’ she said.

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘My boss offered me my old job back.’

  His heart lurched and he sucked in a deep breath. He’d hoped she was just going to tell him she needed more time to think about being with him. He hadn’t even dreamed of the possibility that she might want to stay in Melbourne.

  ‘What about Courtney? She’ll need you when she brings the babies home,’ he said, clutching at any reason to convince her not to stay in Melbourne.

  ‘She has Margot. And Lachlan is going to take long service leave. They don’t need me now.’

  But I do, he wanted to say, but somehow the words got caught on the tip of his tongue.

  ‘What about us?’ he asked instead.

  She kicked at the ground with her heel and wouldn’t meet his eyes. Finally, she spoke and he had to strain to hear. ‘I think I need to stay in Melbourne. This is where my job is. My life.’ She glanced up. ‘I need to be here, Mitch, not Macarthur Point.’

  The smile she offered him was tight.

  He couldn’t focus on what he was hearing. He had a dozen questions and at least that many words but he couldn’t formulate them into a single sentence.

  He knew how much her job meant to her. Knew that she’d worked long and hard to get where she was. Knew that she derived her sense of self-worth from helping others with cancer, but surely, surely, she could find that same job satisfaction somewhere else.

  ‘It’s been great reconnecting with you, Mitch, but—’

  His mouth fell open. Had she seriously just said it had been great “reconnecting”? Is that all she thought they’d done? Reconnect? He’d let her into his soul, and she called it reconnecting.

  Dragging in a deep breath he stood up. Without a word he strode over to a nearby rubbish bin and slammed his coffee cup into it. Being angry wouldn’t help, but he needed to release some steam. He sucked in another breath as the realisation hit. He didn’t just care about Hope. He loved her. Loved her so much he wanted to spend the rest of his life making sure she knew that. He didn’t want her to stay in Melbourne. He wanted her with him in Macarthur Point. He wanted to wake up every morning with Hope by his side. In his bed. In his life. He wanted them to grow old together surrounded by animals and babies.’

  ‘Please try to understand.’

  He turned around and walked over to her. There was nothing about this he would ever be able to understand. She had things so twisted and she didn’t even realise it. She’d convinced herself that if she put down roots, she’d be trapped. What would it take to convince her that the opposite was true?

  They’d grown up so differently, yet there were so many similarities in their upbringings. While Hope believed she’d be happier if she was continually on the move, fearing commitment and dreading being tied down, he’d embraced the chance to finally have a routine, responsibilities and real, long-term relationships. The idea of packing up and leading the nomadic life that Hope did, was what filled him with dread.

  ‘The other thing is, I haven’t told you about Brett.’

  An ache formed behind his eyes. Who the hell was Brett?

  ‘My ex. The reason I ended up back in Macarthur Point.’

  He frowned. ‘I thought you came to help Margot and Courtney.’

  ‘I did. But I was running away from an exceptionally toxic long-term relationship and the timing of the escape was perfect.’

  What else didn’t he know about her? Today felt like it was shockwave after shockwave. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?’

  ‘I was hurt. Embarrassed.’

  He cocked his head. ‘Embarrassed?’

  ‘It was an abusive relationship,’ she mumbled, ‘and it took me a long time to leave.’

  His heart pounded as he pictured exactly what type of abuse she could be talking about. Emotional? Physical?

  ‘He hit you?’

  She nodded. ‘Once.’

  He took her hands and searched her eyes. ‘Jeez, Hope.’

  He had a flashback to the night of the storm when she’d seemingly lost it at the supermarket when that guy had approached her. Now it made sense. He’d seen the fear in her eyes and hadn’t known why. Afterwards, he thought he must have imagined it and never raised the subject.

  ‘I wanted to tell you, but the timing wasn’t right.’

  ‘Do you want to talk about it now?’

  As Hope filled him in, he prayed he’d never meet the creep who’d hurt her so badly.

  ‘Have you felt like I’ve been trying to control you like he did?’ he asked, when she’d finished speaking.

  She shook her head. ‘No. No. Not at all. You’ve been amazing. So sweet and patient. It’s not you, it’s me. And I need more time to sort my head out before I can even consider another relationship, let alone the idea of settling down forever.’

  ‘So, it’s not me and it’s not Macarthur Point?’

  ‘It’s not. Like I said, I need to take a step back and work some things out. I know you so well, Mitch. You’ve said it yourself. You’ve put down deep roots and they’re the most important thing to you. The ties you have to Macarthur Point and the people are good, but I’m scared they’ll feel like chains to me if I stay unless I come on my own terms.’

  He searched her face. ‘So, we . . . what? We call it quits?’

  She looked up at him with hurt in her eyes. ‘For now, I have to stay in Melbourne, okay? Just give me time.’

  His chest hurt and his throat burned. He sank back onto the seat, squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. At least she wasn’t telling him it was completely over forever. Maybe it worth one more shot at convincing her to stay.

  ‘I’m not asking you to give up your career—’ he started.

  ‘Yes, you are,’ she interrupted with her hand on his arm. ‘I’d never ask you to choose between me and your job, Mitch, but that’s exactly what you’re doing.’

  He didn’t respond. Couldn’t. Because she was right. He had no intention of leaving his clinic and Macarthur Point ever and Hope knew that.

  He looked into her eyes. What choice did he have? He had to let her go.

  ‘You know what you need to do,’ he said.

  She sighed heavily. ‘Yeah.’

  Leaning forward, she gave him the gentlest of kisses. A kiss filled with sadness and regret.

  ‘Perhaps it’s best if we make a clean break.’

  He pulled back to look at her. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’d rather you didn’t call me.’

  ‘Is that what you want?’ he asked, incredulously. ‘No contact? None at all?’

  ‘I don’t see any other option.’ She stood, picked up her handbag and slung it over her shoulder. ‘It’s going to hurt enough as it is.’ She gave him a look filled with despondency.

  ‘Will you call me when you’re ready?’ he asked.

  She nodded. ‘But I don’t expect you to wait around. I have no idea how long it will take.’

  He watched her walk away, the weight of his pain so crippling, he almost fell to the ground and cried.

  Chapter 25

  One lone week had passed since Hope had foolishly told Mitchell she needed space and not to call. She was having coffee in the hospital cafe with Courtney. Oliver had improv
ed dramatically and was now out of Intensive Care and on the medical ward. He was thriving and showing no signs of how sick he’d been. Hope had managed to drag Courtney away for a quick break while Lachie and Margot sat with the babies. Any day now they’d all be heading back to Macarthur Point.

  It was one of those days Melbourne often experienced early in September when the warmth of the sun and the flash of fresh new green on the trees briefly tricked everyone into thinking winter was over and had them packing away their beanies, gloves and scarves. But it was a lie. The sun might have been out, but so was the wind and it was probably only twelve degrees outside. Inside, in the cafe, it was loud, but warm.

  They took a table near a window where the sun streamed in.

  ‘I think I made the biggest mistake of my life,’ Hope said, after their coffees arrived.

  Courtney stared at her, eyes wide. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I broke things off with Mitch.’

  Courtney gasped. ‘What? When? More importantly, why?’

  ‘Last week.’ Hope couldn’t meet her cousin’s eyes. ‘And why? Because I’m an idiot.’

  ‘What happened and why didn’t you tell me sooner?’

  ‘You’ve been rather preoccupied. Understandably,’ Hope hastened to add. ‘I don’t know. I guess I wanted to pretend it wasn’t really happening. That he’d call me and we’d both laugh about it how stupid I am, and everything would be back to normal.’

  Courtney cradled her chin in her hands as she looked at Hope. ‘Has he called you?’

  ‘No.’ Hope stirred the last of the froth with her spoon.

  ‘He can be so stubborn,’ Courtney said.

  ‘Don’t blame Mitchell. I told him not to call.’

  She didn’t tell Courtney that not only had she told Mitchell not to call, but she’d obsessively checked her phone for messages from him every five minutes, wishing he’d ignored her request.

  Courtney stared at her. ‘Why would you do that?’

  ‘I needed some time and space and thought it would be best and easier if I made a clean break.’

  ‘Now who’s being stubborn?’ Courtney muttered.

  Hope slumped down in her seat. Courtney, as usual, was right but Hope needed her on her side. ‘He asked me to give up my job.’