Hawaii Five Uh-Oh

by Z. A. Maxfield

  “I did not work Friday night.” The man turned away as if that was going to be the end of the thing.

  “Was your wife working?”

  Dude shook his head. “Helper from the college.”

  “Do you think I could talk to them?” Theo persisted. “Will they be back tonight?”

  “No.” The man seemed reluctant to speak.

  “Tomorrow night?”

  “He does not come weekdays. He works weekends.”

  Theo pushed his purchases across the counter. Two coconut waters and two packs of peanut butter crackers. “Here.”

  The man eyed him warily and for too long. The dude didn’t pick up Theo’s purchase until Theo lifted his eyebrows as if to say, “Well?”

  The man lowered his gaze as he rang Theo’s things up. “Seven twenty-three.”

  Theo paid, got his things, and left. When he got outside, he offered Calista a water and some crackers. “Here.”

  “Thanks.” Staring into the mirrored window of the little store, Calista was probably watching the group of boys across the street playfully harassing some bikini-clad girls. She reminded him of a well-trained hunting dog exercising rigid self-control. She wanted to act. She was strong and robustly athletic. She’d sighted her prey and now she wanted to chase. But so far they’d done nothing that warranted intervention.

  The boys got flipped off. The girls ran away giggling.

  Not a thing, then.

  Calista sighed and started walking again. “What was your visit about?”

  “What?”

  “Long way to walk for coconut water.”

  After a small battle with himself, he decided to tell her what he’d seen.

  “So that’s it?” Calista frowned. “Ortiz and Koa fought about something?”

  “Koa told him to knock it off, and there were other guys there. You think he was taking stuff off the owner?” Of course he didn’t tell her the real reason he was concerned—Koa Palapiti had grown up to be a two-faced asshole.

  He turned the corner, but not before checking behind them to make sure the group Calista’d been watching had moved on.

  “Freddie’s a hothead,” Calista said, “but if you’re thinking he goes around leveraging booze off the local businessmen—”

  “I’m only reporting what I saw and heard,” Theo argued. “Me and Koa go back to the cradle. You think I want this to be true?”

  “Do you?” She stopped walking, forcing him to turn to her.

  “Of course not.” The idea shocked him. Didn’t it? He tried not to flinch when she peered into his soul.

  “Freddie and Koa are bros before anybody. Neither one would jeopardize the other. If you’re jealous of that, I don’t know what to tell you. Join the fucking club.”

  Ouch. “But before the job? Would Koa put Freddie ahead of the job? That’s where I see a problem.”

  “I won’t believe that about either of them until I see proof.” Sigh. “You get any?”

  “You know I didn’t.” He’d misunderstood her at first, and his mind had gone to sex. He tried to hide his embarrassment by picking an empty slush cup off the ground and depositing it in the trash.

  “Don’t spread stories, then,” she scolded.

  “You’re the one who wanted me to cockblock Ortiz. What’s the deal with that? You won’t date a bi guy?”

  “It’s not that.” She flushed.

  “It’s not because he’s bi? What a relief. Is it because he’s a douchebag?”

  “I said,” she reiterated as if he were a child, “it’s complicated.”

  “Yeah, well. I need things to be explicit.”

  “I’ll just bet you do—” She turned her attention to a couple of kids skateboarding too fast along the sidewalk. The light was changing when one of them blew down the ramp to the crosswalk. She tried to warn him. “Hey. Watch it!”

  A Prius cab made a right without checking for pedestrians, and sure enough, hit him. Theo shouted, “Call it in?” before running over to see if there were injuries.

  Calista keyed her mic, and they spent the rest of the shift with that, and then writing reports. Making follow-up calls. Now he was fatigued and following Calista like a baby duck.

  “What is wrong with you?” He walked into her for the third time when they headed outside. “You’re a bulldozer today.”

  “Over the weekend I dug up my mom’s garden. I’m supposed to go to the gym, but I dunno. It’s arm day. And I can’t even—”

  “Whoa, how ’bout some cheese with that whine.” She’d stopped to put her things in the trunk of her car. She thumbed the parking spaces closest to the building. “You know, your bike’s back there.”

  “Yeah. Long day, I don’t know.” He rubbed his face with both hands. “Maybe I’m still adjusting to the climate. I’ma hit the gym for a while and pack it in early tonight.”

  “Skip the gym. If you’re this tired after work, you should go home and rest. You’re fit enough. Don’t try to fight every battle every day. That’s how you get burned out.”

  He groaned. “I would never have thought of that.”

  Calista seemed so centered. That was one of the reasons he enjoyed working with her. She was tough and smart and chill. But he was nicer. He had a way with people.

  They bumped fists and agreed to talk the next day. She said, “See you tomorrow.”

  He nodded. “Be safe.”

  THEO’S STUDIO featured floor-to-ceiling windows along the southwest wall, so he had a great view of the valley, and the sunsets were spectacular. It was a new development, impersonal but classic and comfortable. Generous in size, for a studio, but not exactly his dream place. For now it would work fine. It had to be better than staying with his mom—it was private.

  He showered and changed into shorts and a tank before stepping out on the lanai with a beer to watch a sky full of drama. Now there was something he wouldn’t get tired of. The sky was every color from the palest gold to the deepest crimson red. Dizzying and vast, it spooled out glorious fiery reds and oranges, opalescent indigo and blue and violet, narrowing to a crack like God was doing the biggest kintsugi ever in the heavens, until only blank oblivion and stars were left behind.

  You could watch the sky at home forever and never see the same thing twice.

  For a moment he closed his eyes and imagined himself back in Bear Lake, driving a patrol car in the dead of winter. He could almost feel the chill of below-zero temperatures. The bite of northern wind and snow….

  Here he was barefoot. Comfortable in his skin. Wind dried his sweat, leaving salt crystals in the hair on the backs of his arms. Balmy air caressed his cheeks. Here everything tasted of the sea.

  A woman’s laughter came from one of the many windows surrounding his. The sound brought his mother to mind. Living with his family made the transition from mainland life to island life easier, but it had also spoiled him. Now he wished he had his nieces, or even his mother and her taciturn husband, for company. He should get a cat or something. A cockatoo.

  Restlessness and the desire for company finally drove him out of his ultraplanned community and onto the street for a pizza. While he waited in line to place his order, he made his usual scan of the building, the exits, and all the people inside. He’d never liked having his back to a door, so he turned, and as he stood, arms folded, doing his best to look like a benign wall and not imagining every second what he’d do if something went wrong, the dude behind the counter asked, “Heya. If I guess your favorite pizza toppings, what do I get as a prize?”

  “’Scuse me?” The words were so pointedly flirtatious, Theo’s Sex Is a Possibility sign started flashing.

  The man rolled his eyes. “I’m wounded, Officer Hsu. I got in a fender bender just last week.” He mimed being rear-ended. “Ouch. Red BMW? And you don’t remember.”

  “Oh, sure.” He remembered now. Dude had to stop his car suddenly for some reason, and a rental with a tourist looking for directions on his cell phone plowed right into h
im. Since no one had been hurt and the damage was minimal, they’d left the drivers to sort things out. This man’d had a guy in the car with him at the time. Calista clocked them as a couple. “Are you and your… friend okay?”

  “I haven’t seen my friend since that day.” Blue eyes sparkled behind pale gray John Lennon specs. Come to think of it, Dude had a serious John Lennon thing going on all over… or a Jesus thing. Trim little beard, long hair braided neatly beneath a cap for work. “Actually, he’s not that good a friend. Shall I tell you a secret?”

  “Okay…?” Theo played along.

  The guy leaned over the counter to speak confidentially. “You could be my new friend. I thought that when we met. You walking in here proves it. It’s kismet.”

  “Oh is that all?” Face flaming, Theo nevertheless waited to hear what else the man had to say. Wasn’t this exactly what he’d come out for? Well. Maybe not this… onslaught of honesty. This wildly forward come-on.

  “I think….” Pizza Dude chewed provocatively on the side of his thumb while he made a laughably indiscreet visual tour of Theo’s entire body. “Mmnh. I’m going to guess pepperoni, pineapple, spicy Italian sausage, and red pepper flakes. Sweet and hot. That’s you. And not necessarily in that order.”

  “Got it in one.” He schooled his features, although that was nowhere near his normal chicken broccoli pizza, easy sauce, light on the cheese. He was gonna enjoy pizza man’s slices a helluva lot more, if only because he enjoyed being the focus of his attention. “That’s amazing. How does he do it?”

  “I like to think I can size a man up pretty well.” Emphasis on the word size. Oh yeah. Calista had been dead-on. She’d said Beamer Guy checked him out during the call, and he’d laughed at her. So now he owed her. His gaydar was apparently jacked.

  “You might be out over your skis, boy,” he said sternly.

  “Am I being presumptuous?” The man rested his chin in his hand. “If you like, I could totally make your pizza an extra large, throw in a pitcher of beer, and invite myself to eat it with you.”

  “Uh….” Unexpectedly, the man’s good mood smashed through Theo’s barriers all at once, and he laughed out loud. “You’re really something, aren’t you?”

  “I am….” He got a dazzling smile in return. “You’re not the first cop I’ve tried to lure with food. It works pretty well. Fair warning.”

  Theo sighed apologetically. “Raincheck? I kinda wanted to take it out to the bluffs and eat there.”

  “Officer Hsu, do you want to be by yourself?” The delicate frames of his glasses winked beneath the light.

  “I don’t.” Theo really didn’t. And it didn’t sound like this Jesus-looking pizza maker was going to go along with him being alone anyway. “Not really.”

  “Okay. I’ma call your bluffs, then.” There might have been some eye-fucking.

  “Okay.” Theo spent a little time catching his breath.

  “I’ll call the pizza in to the back, and when it’s ready, we can take a walk. You have exactly”—Dude glanced at his watch—“twenty-five minutes to buy a six-pack of beer. I don’t pizza without beer.”

  Theo would have to give Calista credit for this. “Got a preference?”

  “Yes, Officer Hsu, I do.” Well. He’d left himself open with that one. He was surprised and relieved when Pizza Man said, “I love a hoppy IPA.”

  “Got it.” Theo could not remember the man’s name. Could not. Last name was Van der Something…. “Tell me your name again?”

  “Call me Spider.” Pizza Man was not afraid to use his smile.

  “That’s your name?” ’Cause that’s not weird at all, Spider.

  Blue eyes danced. “It’s a nickname. I studied wildlife biology with an interest in arachnids.”

  “And you make pizza.”

  “Well, yeah. Spiders are great web spinners, but they can’t be bothered to knead dough.” He glanced down solemnly. “So someone has to.”

  “I—”

  Now.

  The decision has to be made now. Accept a hot stranger and an unexpected hookup or play dumb and walk away. He hadn’t had sex since he’d been home. Even if his heart was set on Kekoa, that boy wasn’t his circus, or his monkeys, right now. His brain was still working, and his dick was ready to go. But this dude owned the pizza place down the street from his apartment. He’d have to face him every time he wanted a pie.

  Briefly, he wondered how good the pizza was.

  “Okay. I’ll be back in a few with some beer. We can have a picnic.”

  I can always Yelp another pizza place.

  “If you’re really good”—Spider lowered his voice, teased—“I’ll bring some knots.” Despite knowing he was referring to bread, Theo shivered. Knots. If only Spider knew the kind of kinky fuck he was talking to. Maybe that wouldn’t even faze a guy like Spider.

  “Sure thing.” He hesitated in the doorway but kept going. Once outside, out of sight, he stopped to glance through the window. Who was this dude? The academic spider-lover? Beamer-driving business owner? Jesus-looking hippie freak? Whatever. He made Theo laugh. Probably not a serial killer who targeted cops.

  Probably.

  Still…. He snapped a picture of the Ragno Pizzeria sign and saved it with the caption “Going to the bluffs with the owner” as an alternate title before shoving his phone back into his pocket and making his way to the nearest liquor store.

  Chapter Seven

  IT WAS on. It was so fucking on.

  Theo couldn’t believe his good luck. This guy, this hot perennial twink dude from—it turned out—Indiana, was sex on legs, and there they were, in a tropical paradise together, eating pizza, drinking beer, and eye-fucking like rabbits—if rabbits eye-fucked. Did they?

  Only ghosts danced in the lagoon below the bluffs by his mother’s house tonight. He didn’t bring Spider for them, but he got the feeling Spider would have fit in right in with the ancestors too. Spider respected their land. Every time he talked about Hawai‘i, whether it was about local news or politics or conservation, his eyes lit up with a passion he couldn’t hide. When Theo admitted his mother was one of the Hula Kuku Wahine, Spider got googly eyes and begged to meet her.

  Theo almost didn’t remember the thousand times he’d lain in that same spot, watching clouds drift across the Milky Way, with Koa. His heart almost didn’t hurt anymore, because Koa was a dream that wasn’t gonna work out right now, and Theo couldn’t foretell their future.

  Far from shore, past the breakers, glassy water reflected only a glittering path to the moon.

  Theo lifted his eyebrows. “So whatcha think of my spot?”

  “I love it here.” Spider opened the box and helped himself to another slice. “Is this your regular hookup place?”

  “Mmph.” Theo took a bite of pizza to avoid having to answer.

  “How old are you?” Spider’s happy smile came back. He flicked Theo’s foot with his and turned to lie on his side, head propped on one hand, looking up at him through lashes long as palm tree fronds.

  “I’m thirty-two. How come?”

  “You look like a kid still.” Spider stretched out with his back braced against one of Theo’s many favorite rocks.

  “’Cause you don’t know what to look for. I didn’t get carded when I bought this beer.” He lifted the bottle to his lips and drained it before replacing it in the holder and getting himself a second. Then he stood at the very edge to feel the wind on his skin.

  “Careful you don’t fall.”

  “Why don’t people ever say, ‘Careful there, you might fly’?” Theo asked.

  “That’s righteous,” Spider observed. “Why don’t we say that?”

  “I do.” He sat across from Spider. “Ever read the book Plummet to Soar?”

  “’Bout that guy who fell out of a helicopter?” Spider asked. “I saw all about him on the news. Yowch. Gravity is a pissy bitch.”

  “She is that. You’d like the book. It’s about how life is just one big, continuous
fall.”

  Spider cocked his eyebrow. “That’s… um. Kind of a downer, man.”

  “Not really. It just means shit happens, and you have to get what you can out of every good moment.”

  “Okay. Yeah. Okay. I like it.” Nodding, Spider swigged his beer before picking up another slice. “Sort of how I live, actually.”

  “Me too. Or—” Inspired by the movie-perfect moment and the uncertain light that fell over Spider’s glasses just so, Theo leaned over and kissed him. Soft lips, sweet smile. “I try.”

  Spider’s lips were unbelievably warm. Round and tense because Theo had the element of surprise. He lifted his head to gauge Spider’s reaction, but the next moment, Spider’s mouth met his with such eager pressure it was lucky neither of them broke a tooth. Theo opened his lips and sent his tongue out to greet Spider’s formally while gripping his hips to pull his body closer. Pizza forgotten, Spider pushed Theo to his back in the damp volcanic soil.

  Their first kiss after that was all-consuming. Passionate. It didn’t end, it simply became a second kiss, and that one became many, many more. Theo tugged the band from Spider’s braid. Wavy hair spilled all over him, tickling his sensitive places on the outside like the beer bubbles had tickled on the inside. He got light-headed. Felt warm and happy. Spider was human magic, weaving his happy spell over both of them.

  “This okay?” Spider asked needlessly.

  “Oh yeah.” Theo grabbed a hank of hair and pulled. “C’mere, you.”

  “Mm.” Spider squirmed against him, massaging his shoulders and dragging his legs along every surface of Theo’s body. “Whatcha want, honey? Pizza Man delivers.”

  Theo busted up over that. It’d been a long time he’d had fun with a hookup, and he liked this guy. Christ, he hoped this wasn’t the beginning of a slasher flick–style news story or something. Cop murdered by pizza man—found dead on cliffs above sacred cove. Even so. What a way to go.

  “Don’t make me laugh while I’m getting my groove on.”

  Spider tweaked his nipple. “You can’t laugh while you fuck?”