The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Then Dan tapped his glass for silence. He said he wanted to say a few words. ‘Thank you all for being so enthusiastic about our announcement. I’m so delighted to be making this amazing woman my wife. And you girls,’ he said, pointing to me and Jools, ‘are a very welcome addition to my family. You’re the sisters Stella never had. I know we’re all going to be very happy living together in Holland Park.’

  Mummy said quickly, ‘But we won’t be moving for a while. We’re going to take it slowly. We all need to get used to the idea.’ Looking directly at me and Jools, she said, ‘Nothing will happen until you’re both ready.’

  Jools said, ‘Can we pack now?’ and everyone laughed.

  ‘That’s my girl,’ Dan said. ‘The sooner the better, as I keep telling Alice. I’m hoping we could maybe even get married this Christmas in Barbados. I know the exact spot. I can have it arranged in no time. How do you all feel about Christmas in Barbados?’

  Mummy frowned. ‘Dan, we discussed this. We might not be getting married for a while. We all need to take a breath and let the news settle.’

  ‘Why wait?’ Dan threw his hands into the air. ‘We’re all going to be so happy! Why put it off?’

  ‘Slow down, Dad, you’ll scare them.’ Stella rolled her eyes at me and Jools. ‘They’re not employees you can boss around. Give everyone some breathing space.’

  Dan sighed. ‘All right, I’ll back off. I’m sorry, everyone – I’m just really keen to start our lives together.’

  ‘I’ll go to Barbados anytime you like – tanned, toned men in Speedos are right up my street!’ Kevin said, making us all laugh.

  Then David said how lovely it would be to have us living next door and that we could call in anytime.

  Pippa said she’d be so happy to have us close by because she’d always wanted a daughter and now she gets two surrogate ones, plus Stella.

  Later, when everyone was chatting, Pippa came over to me and took me outside to Daddy’s tree. ‘Are you all right, Holly, darling?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m fine. I’m glad for Mummy.’

  Pippa rubbed my hands in hers to keep them warm. ‘Dan is a very nice man. But I know this can’t be easy. I know how much David misses Ben. He lost his best friend and he still finds it very difficult, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for you having lost your dad. If you’re upset or want to talk about anything, I’m here for you.’

  We watched Mummy and Dan hugging through the kitchen window. From the outside looking in, you’d never know there had been so much sadness in that kitchen.

  ‘Honestly, Pippa, I’m really glad Mummy has Dan. He’s great.’

  I could feel someone watching me. Mummy was peering out of the window at me. I smiled at her and gave her a thumbs-up. She smiled and mouthed, ‘I love you.’

  I turned back to the cherry tree and prayed silently that wherever Daddy was – Heaven, the afterlife – he was safe and happy.

  Alice: 26 October 2014

  Alice tapped gently on the bedroom door. She pushed it open and found Jools sobbing into her pillow. She put the tray down and went over to sit on the bed. ‘Hey, there, don’t cry, it’s your birthday.’

  ‘I wish Dad was here. Eighteen is a really big deal and he’s not here and he’s never going to be here for any of my birthdays. Why did he have to die on my birthday? It sucks.’

  Alice wiped Jools’s face with a napkin. ‘I know it hurts, pet. It’s rotten that Dad died on your birthday, but I’m going to try to make it a special day for you. Come downstairs when you’re ready. I have presents for you.’

  Alice went back to the kitchen and, with Holly’s help, put the final touches to the decorations. Five minutes later, Jools came down in her pyjamas. When she opened the kitchen door she was greeted with huge displays of balloons and Happy Birthday banners, flowers and a table filled with all her favourite food.

  ‘Wow,’ she said, peeping through an enormous bunch of balloons. ‘This is great.’

  ‘Come and sit down.’ Alice led her to a chair they had transformed into a birthday throne.

  Holly placed a crown on her sister’s head. ‘I think we got every single chocolaty thing that you love.’

  ‘Yum,’ Jools said, eyeing up the treats and taking a bite out of a mini-chocolate muffin.

  ‘Here are your presents,’ Holly said, handing her sister a big bag laden with packages. ‘Mummy got you seventeen little ones and one big one.’

  Jools ripped open the big one first. She looked up at her mother, dumbfounded. ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘What is it?’ Holly asked.

  ‘Only the coolest tablet in the world! The Samsung Galaxy Tab S.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘You deserve it. Eighteen is a big deal,’ Alice said.

  Jools flung her arms around her mother. ‘Thank you, Mum – this is amazing. I never thought you’d buy it for me.’

  ‘I wanted to treat you. Your last two birthdays have been awful because of Dad, so I wanted to make this one better.’

  ‘That’s why I’ve decided to celebrate my birthday a day later from next year on. I was thinking of doing it the day before, but then I thought, no, because we’ll all still be dreading the next day. So, from next year on, the day after Dad’s anniversary will be my birthday.’

  Alice smiled. ‘That’s a brilliant idea. It means we have something to look forward to the day after.’

  Jools took a bite of pain au chocolat. ‘But I have to say, Mum, this is actually turning out to be a good birthday. When I woke up I was dreading it. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry, but the balloons and the presents and the chocolate have all made it really nice. Thanks.’

  ‘You’re welcome, sweetheart.’

  Holly handed Jools a present. It was an envelope. Jools tore it open and looked inside. She read out loud: ‘You have given three goats to a family in Africa.’ She frowned. ‘Is this a joke?’

  Holly and Alice burst out laughing. ‘Yes. Here’s your other present.’

  Holly handed her a Topshop bag. Inside Jools found a sweatshirt with a sequined cat on the front.

  ‘Cool! I love it. Thanks, Holly.’

  ‘Kevin helped me choose it.’

  ‘This is from Dan.’ Alice handed Jools another envelope.

  ‘OMG! It’s two hours with a personal shopper in Selfridges!’

  ‘I thought it was too much but he insisted on spoiling you for your eighteenth birthday. Stella fixed it for him – she knew you’d love it. She’s picking you up at ten.’

  Jools jumped up and down. ‘This is the best birthday ever!’

  Alice beamed at her happy daughter. It was so lovely to see her smiling on her birthday. The last two had been so awful. Things were definitely getting better. This year would be a new chapter in their lives, a happy one.

  ‘OMG, I have to FaceTime Chloë and tell her.’ Jools ran off to talk to her friend.

  Alice put the kettle on to make herself a strong cup of coffee. She’d been up early to decorate the kitchen and wrap all the presents and she needed some caffeine.

  ‘Mummy?’ Holly said.

  ‘Yes, pet.’

  ‘Sometimes I can’t remember Daddy’s face properly.’

  Alice put down her cup and went over to her. ‘That’s why we have photos and videos to remind us.’

  ‘But how can you forget your own dad?’ Holly’s eyes filled.

  ‘You haven’t forgotten him, sweetheart. You just can’t remember details.’

  ‘But he’s my dad! I can’t remember what his voice sounds like either. I’m scared that I’m going to only remember him by photos.’

  Alice hugged her daughter. ‘You’ll never forget him. He’s in here.’ She pointed to Holly’s heart. ‘Dad is half of you. He’s in your DNA. He helped to make you the wonderful person you are.’

  Holly blinked back the tears. ‘I think he’s becoming a memory and not a real person now.’

  ‘Dad will always be real. He was a brilliant father and husba
nd and we were lucky to have him.’

  ‘I wish I could have had him for longer. When Katie goes on about her dad being a pain, I want to shout at her and tell her how lucky she is to have a dad.’

  ‘Oh, Holly, I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’m fine, Mummy, honestly. It’s just today is a sad day.’

  ‘I’m here for you, darling. Talk to me anytime.’

  Holly wrapped her arms around her mother. ‘I know, Mummy, and you’ve been brilliant. I’m glad you met Dan. He’s really nice and he looks after you. You need looking after.’

  It was Alice’s turn to well up. ‘Thank you.’

  When Jools came back, her mother and sister were in each other’s arms. ‘No no no no no. No one is allowed to cry on my birthday. This is going to be a happy day. Dad would want us to be happy. Now, come on, let’s go out to the tree and toast me being eighteen with Dad, and then I’m going to shop till I drop!’

  Alice took her coffee and the girls took a glass of juice each and they went out to the cherry tree. They stood under the orange and red leaves and toasted Ben.

  Her daughters had come a long way in two years, she thought. They were battered, bruised and scarred, but strong and resilient too. For the first time since Ben died, she knew it was going to be all right. They’d survived the worst and happiness was possible again.

  Ben: November 2014

  They waited for the first casualties to arrive. The attack had been planned for weeks and every able-bodied person was involved – women and men. It was a night-time attack, a final push to regain the land.

  Declan looked at Ben.

  Ben’s heart was pounding.

  ‘The first chance we get, we go,’ Declan whispered.

  Soon the tent was full of injured people. The two doctors patched up the ones they could and laid the fatally wounded outside, covered with sheets.

  It was pandemonium. People were running in and out, screaming, shouting, crying …

  Ben and Declan worked through the night until early morning when an eerie silence fell over the camp.

  The casualty count was high. The mission had failed. The remaining soldiers returned home defeated and depleted.

  Through the calm, Yonas came staggering into the tent with someone on his shoulder. He laid him down. It was Awate, with a gaping hole in his chest.

  ‘He’s fucked,’ Declan said.

  Ben searched for a pulse. There was none. ‘I’m sorry, Yonas, he’s dead.’

  Yonas covered his face with his hands.

  Declan looked at Ben and nodded.

  Ben put his hand on Yonas’s shoulder. ‘He’s dead, and you have to help us,’ he whispered.

  Yonas looked up.

  Ben tightened his grip on the soldier’s arm. ‘Yonas, we saved your wife and your son. You have to let us go. We need to see our families. You have to help us.’

  ‘We can’t stay here another day. If you don’t let us go, we’ll kill ourselves,’ Declan said.

  Yonas peeled Ben’s fingers from his arm. He said something to the soldier who was guarding the tent, then indicated that Ben and Declan should follow him.

  They went to his hut. Yonas spoke to Segen, who nodded and went to fetch a bag. She quickly packed it with water and food.

  Ben’s breathing was ragged: a panic attack was coming on. Was this it? Were they finally going to be free?

  Yonas took the bag and told the two men to follow him. They walked on in the half-dark in silence. After about thirty minutes, as the sun began to rise, Yonas stopped and handed them the bag.

  ‘You go down and you find village. Ask for Nasih. You give him this.’ Yonas handed them a note. ‘He help you get to Asmara.’

  Ben held out his hand. Yonas shook it. ‘Thank you.’

  Declan tried to speak, but no words came out. He clapped Yonas on the back.

  ‘You good men. You good doctors. You go now.’

  They didn’t have to be told twice. Ben and Declan walked away, stumbling over rocks, exhausted, kept going now by pure adrenalin. They didn’t speak – they daren’t. They were too afraid to jinx it.

  They were going home. They were going to see their families.

  Ben felt as if his head would explode. He tried to suppress hope, excitement, anticipation and fear – fear of being taken back, fear of not making it. He gritted his teeth and walked faster – towards the light, towards home, towards happiness.

  Holly: November 2014

  Dan’s house is really enormous. I know Jools thinks it’s amazing, but I prefer ours. It’s much more cosy. Mummy said we don’t have to move in with Dan until we’re ready. I don’t really want to move at all. I like things the way they are. I like it just being me, Jools and Mummy at home. I’m really happy that Mummy met Dan and I want her to be with him, but I’m worried that if we move in with him, he’ll want Mummy’s attention all the time and take her on trips away every week.

  Dan is super-nice, though – he gave me and Jools diamond bracelets. Mummy was a bit shocked and said it was too much, but Jools put hers on straight away. I kind of agree with Mummy and, besides, the only jewellery I want to wear is Daddy’s H necklace.

  Jools said she can’t wait to live in Dan’s house. It has a gym and a cinema. She wants to invite all her friends over and have parties. But I hate the thought of leaving our home.

  Mummy asked us to be on our best behaviour at the party because we were going to be meeting Dan’s friends. There were seventeen people there when we arrived and everyone was very friendly, but I did hear one man saying, ‘I don’t know why, with all the women he could have had, he picked a widow with two teenagers. Has he lost his mind?’

  The woman he was talking to said, ‘You know Dan. He’s always trying to save something or someone. He needs a project.’

  I thought that was a bit mean. Mummy doesn’t need to be saved: she has us. I felt a bit cross so I went over to the corner and sat in one of the window seats. David came over to me. I love David and Pippa – they make me feel close to Daddy.

  ‘Are you all right, Holly? Is it all a bit overwhelming for you?’

  ‘No, I’m fine. I just thought I’d sit here and keep out of the way.’

  ‘It must feel a bit strange, having your mum engaged to someone else. I even find it a bit strange myself. I keep thinking back to when Ben and Alice got engaged. We all went to the pub and drank too much beer.’

  ‘Were they very happy?’

  David smiled. ‘Incredibly happy. Your dad was head over heels in love with Alice. They were great together.’

  ‘Do you still miss him a lot?’

  David nodded. ‘You?’

  I nodded, too, feeling like I might cry.

  ‘Listen, darling, if you ever want to talk about your dad or look at my photos of him from our university days, pop around anytime.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘And I’m sorry if I made you sad. Tonight’s supposed to be a celebration. Dan’s a good man and your mum deserves to be happy. She’s a very special lady.’

  ‘I know. I am glad about it. I was just –’

  ‘Having a moment?’

  I nodded again. David kissed my head. ‘Me too.’

  Stella and Jools came over to us. ‘We’ve been looking for you,’ Stella said. ‘Here, I thought you might like this.’ She handed me a bowl full of chocolates. ‘I opened one of the boxes a guest brought. They’re delicious.’

  I smiled at her, even though I knew I couldn’t eat anything. ‘Thanks.’

  Jools bent down. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Fine. Just watching everyone.’

  Jools patted my arm. ‘I know it’s all a bit strange.’

  ‘It’s strange for me too,’ Stella said. ‘But we’re lucky that Dad and Alice met each other. Look how happy they are.’

  We saw Dan say something that made Mummy laugh. He put his hand up to her face and she held it.

  The woman who organized the party went to Dan and asked him something, then Kevin whis
pered to Mummy. She tapped her glass and said she wanted to say a few words. But in the middle of her speech, Dan’s housekeeper, Mrs Jenkins, walked over to Mummy and said something to her. Mummy dashed out of the room. When she came back in, she looked sick.

  Dan had his back to Mummy so he didn’t see her face, but Kevin rushed over to her and she whispered something in his ear. Kevin went white. Something was wrong. Jools was looking at art on Stella’s iPad. I grabbed her arm.

  ‘Ouch – what?’

  ‘Come now.’ I knew something bad had happened. My heart was pounding.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Stella asked.

  ‘Nothing, I just feel a bit sick.’

  We went over to Mummy and Kevin. Mummy looked as if she’d seen a ghost. She was shaking. When she saw me, she hugged me really tightly and started to cry. I felt very scared.

  ‘Out. Now.’ Kevin pushed us all into the hall.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Jools asked Mummy. ‘Are you having second thoughts? Do you have cold feet?’

  Mummy shook her head. Kevin ushered us into the library. He locked the door.

  Mummy looked at Kevin. They were both crying.

  ‘Mum, what is going on? You’re starting to freak me out!’ Jools’s voice shook.

  ‘I have some news. I’ve just found out that … well … it’s … it’s your dad.’ Mummy was falling over her words. She sounded really strange. My heart kept on pounding. What could she have found out about Dad?

  ‘What about him?’ Jools asked.

  I stopped breathing. Something was wrong. But he was dead. What could be worse? I tried not to cry.

  ‘He’s alive. Your dad isn’t dead. He’s alive.’ Mummy was crying so much it was hard to understand her.

  Jools screamed, but I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t understand. How? How could a dead person be alive? What was she talking about?

  ‘He wasn’t killed. He was kidnapped. He’s been in Eritrea all the time. He’s coming home,’ Mummy said, through her tears.

  Jools kept screaming. Kevin squeezed her in a big hug and said over and over again, ‘It’s okay.’ Eventually she started to calm down and stop making so much noise.