The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

Mummy went over to Dan’s big desk and handed us all tissues from the box there. I hadn’t realized I was crying.

  Alive? I couldn’t take it in.

  ‘But how?’ I asked. My voice sounded so small and far away. It was as if I wasn’t really inside my own body.

  Mummy turned to me and held my hand. ‘I don’t know all the details. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office just called and said he’s in the British Embassy in Asmara. They’re flying him home tomorrow.’

  ‘Asmara is the capital of Eritrea,’ I said.

  ‘Are they sure it’s him?’ Jools asked.

  ‘Yes. I spoke to him.’

  ‘You heard his voice?’ I was shaking again.

  Mummy had stopped crying and smiled. ‘Yes. He said, “Hi, Alice, it’s Ben. I’m alive.” And then he said he couldn’t wait to see you both. He said he loves us all very much and he’ll never leave our side again.’

  Jools fell into a chair, put her hands over her face and started crying, her shoulders shaking.

  Oh, God. Was this real? Was I dreaming? I pinched myself. No, I was awake. I sat down, too. I needed to get things straight in my mind. Everything was all muddled up. ‘We’ll see him tomorrow? We’ll see Daddy tomorrow?’ I wanted to know that I’d understood what was going on.

  ‘Yes, pet, you will.’ Mummy hugged me.

  ‘Can we talk to him now?’ Jools managed to ask.

  ‘They said he had to see the doctor and be debriefed, but they’d get him to call later.’

  There was a loud knock on the door. We all looked around.

  ‘Alice? Darling, is everything all right?’

  It was Dan. We froze. Mummy’s hand flew up to her mouth. Her diamond ring flashed.

  Kevin took charge. He went over to the door and talked loudly through it. ‘Sorry, Dan, the girls are just having a wobble. They’re a little overwhelmed. They just need a few minutes.’

  ‘Are they all right? Is Alice all right?’

  ‘She’s fine. Everyone’s fine – it’s just an emotional day. We need a minute to calm things down.’

  ‘I’ll check back in a few minutes.’

  Kevin leant against the door and exhaled loudly.

  Mummy collapsed into a big leather chair. ‘Oh, my God, what am I going to do?’

  Jools was staring at Mummy in a weird way. ‘What do you mean? Just tell him Dad’s home and you can’t marry him.’

  Mummy looked shocked. ‘I can’t just … I need to … The Foreign and Commonwealth Office said I mustn’t tell a soul yet.’

  Kevin paced the room. ‘We need to buy some time. Tell Dan that Holly’s freaking out about the engagement and you have to take her home.’

  But Mummy wasn’t listening. She was twisting the diamond ring around her finger, staring into the fire.

  Kevin bent down beside her. ‘Alice, we have to get out of here and go home. You need space. You need to get your head around this. It’s a huge shock.’

  Mummy nodded.

  Knock on the door again.

  Kevin cursed.

  ‘Alice, sweetie, it’s Pippa. Are you all right? Dan’s worried about you.’

  Kevin pulled Mummy to her feet. ‘I’ll talk to her, but I need you to hold it together while we get out of here. You can fall apart at home.’

  Mummy looked at Jools and me and held out her arms. We rushed to her side and held on to her.

  Kevin went to the door. He opened it a fraction. ‘Sorry, Pippa, Holly’s having a bit of a panic attack. The whole night has been too much for her. We have to take her home immediately. Can you help us slip out? Alice doesn’t want a fuss.’

  ‘Oh, the poor darling. Why don’t I take Holly to our house? I can look after her there. It means Alice can stay on and celebrate. It’d be a shame for her to miss her own engagement party.’

  Kevin remained calm. ‘Thanks, Pippa, but Holly’s really very upset. She needs her mother tonight. The best thing is for us to get her home.’

  ‘I understand. I’ll grab your coats and have my driver take you.’

  ‘Could you explain it to Dan for us?’

  ‘Well I … Of course, if you want me to … but he might want to speak to Alice.’

  ‘Please, Pippa, she’s upset about Holly. She just wants to get out of here with minimum fuss.’

  ‘No problem. Leave it with me.’ Pippa ran off to get the coats and Kevin shut the door.

  ‘Look, guys, I know this has been the kind of shock that could kill a person, but I need you to walk out of here now and straight down the steps into Pippa’s car.’

  We held hands as we stepped into the hall. Pippa handed us our coats and gave me a hug. ‘Oh, sweetie, I know this is hard for you, but Dan is just wonderful and he makes your mummy so happy.’

  David came over to me and crouched down. ‘I feel responsible for upsetting you. I shouldn’t have talked to you about Ben tonight. I’m an idiot. I’m so sorry, Holly.’ He swept me up in a big hug and I could feel everything building up in my chest. I hated lying to him and making him feel bad. I felt awful.

  ‘It’s not your fault, David. You’ve always been wonderful to us,’ Mummy said. ‘I … Something has … I can’t … I’ll call you tomorrow and explain properly. I have to go. Please, we have to go home now.’

  ‘Sorry, of course.’ David stepped out of the way. ‘I’ll phone later to see how Holly’s doing.’

  Mummy and Kevin grabbed me and pulled me down the steps towards the waiting car.

  Out of the corner of my eye I could see Dan walking quickly towards the front door.

  ‘Alice?’

  We stopped dead.

  Dan looked worried. ‘What’s happening?’

  Mummy couldn’t look him in the eye. ‘It’s … it’s …’

  ‘It’s Holly,’ Jools said, pushing between Dan and Mummy. ‘She’s freaking out.’

  Dan looked hurt. He came over to me. ‘Holly, I thought you were all right about this. You told me you were happy I was marrying your mum. What’s wrong? Can I help?’

  Dan’s face was all sad and I couldn’t take any more. First David, now Dan, everyone looking at me. And Daddy alive. And we couldn’t say anything. I opened my mouth to say sorry and a howl came out.

  Dan stepped back in shock. Mummy pulled me close. ‘I’m sorry, Dan. She’s just upset. I need to get her home now.’

  David came down and took Dan’s arm. ‘I’m to blame. I spoke to her about her father earlier. I’m so sorry.’

  Pippa held Dan’s other arm. ‘Come on, you need to get back to your guests. Let Alice take Holly home.’

  Dan shrugged helplessly. ‘All right. Alice darling, I’ll call you later.’ He leant over to kiss Mummy, but she turned her head and he ended up kissing her ear instead of her lips.

  ‘Let’s go!’ Jools pulled Mummy and me down the steps and into the car.

  I lay on Mummy’s lap, crying the whole way home.

  Part 3

  * * *

  LONDON, 2014-2015

  Alice

  Alice stared at the ceiling. Ben. Alive. Not dead. Coming home. Arriving soon. She wasn’t a widow. Her husband was going to be home in two hours.

  What the hell was she going to do? She felt happy and sad, terrified and worried. So incredibly, shakily worried. Would he have changed? He sounded the same, but how would she feel when she saw him? What if she didn’t love him any more? Would he have post-traumatic stress? What if he had been tortured and his body was scarred, or worse? What if he was a different person, like a stranger? What if …

  Her phone beeped. It was Dan again. He had called twice and sent three texts. She couldn’t talk to him. He’d know by her voice that something was very wrong. Alice wished she could tell him. She wished Dan was beside her now, putting his arms around her, telling her that everything was going to be all right, protecting her.

  Oh, God, what was she going to do? Dan would know what to do. He always knew what to do. He was brilliant at giving her advice and solving problems. But th
en, she thought, this was one problem he really couldn’t help her with. How can you tell the man you’re supposed to marry that your husband has come back to life? How do you tell the man you love that the man you used to love is about to walk through the door?

  But things with Ben couldn’t just go back to normal, could they? Everything was different. Alice was different. She’d changed. She was stronger now, more independent. She’d spent two years working on herself, making herself stronger, more steely, managing the girls and the finances and life. It had been so difficult, but she’d done it.

  Was Ben just going to walk through the door and back into their lives as if nothing had happened? As if those two long years didn’t matter?

  Would he be sleeping in her bed tonight? Alice’s stomach churned. She was scared, nervous and full of dread. She loved Dan. But she did love Ben … She had loved Ben. Could she just switch back? Her head throbbed.

  Jools came tumbling into the room and jumped up and down on Alice’s bed. ‘Come on, Mum, get up. Get dressed. Let’s go and see Dad!’

  ‘He’s not landing for another two hours. They’re sending a car for us at ten.’

  ‘I’m too excited to sleep. I’m so happy. I just can’t believe it! Dad’s alive! Oh, Mum, it’s like a dream.’

  Alice smiled at her daughter. It was lovely to see Jools so happy. It was wonderful for the girls to have their dad home. She was so pleased for them, but she was worried that he would struggle to adjust to ‘normal life’.

  Holly came in and sat down beside Alice while Jools continued to bounce.

  ‘How are you feeling, pet?’ Alice asked.

  ‘Happy but nervous.’

  ‘Nervous? About what?’ Jools crash-landed on the bed.

  Holly picked at the duvet cover. ‘Well, I’m scared Daddy might have had a terrible time and have PTS.’

  ‘What’s PTS?’

  ‘Post-traumatic stress disorder,’ Alice said.

  ‘What – like soldiers get?’ Jools asked.

  Alice nodded.

  Jools sat down. ‘But he sounded completely fine on the phone, just like Dad. No different. Not all crazy in the head or confused. He’s fine. He’s the same. It was so strange because when I heard his voice I felt as if he hadn’t been gone long at all. God, it was so incredible to talk to him.’

  Alice crossed her fingers under the duvet. She hoped Jools was right. Ben certainly had sounded ‘normal’. But there was no way he couldn’t be affected by two years in captivity.

  Alice’s phone beeped again. Jools shouted, ‘It’s Dad!’ and grabbed it to read the message. Her face fell. ‘Oh, no, it’s Dan.’

  ‘Have you told him about Daddy?’ Holly asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You have to tell him,’ Jools said. ‘He needs to know Dad’s home and that you can’t marry him now.’

  ‘It’s not quite that simple,’ Alice said.

  ‘Yes, it is.’ Jools handed Alice her phone. ‘Here, call him. Tell him about Dad.’

  Alice placed the phone on her bedside locker. ‘I’ll do it later.’

  ‘Poor Dan. He’s going to be heartbroken,’ Holly said. ‘And Stella.’

  Jools crossed her arms and scowled at Alice. ‘He’ll be fine. He’s got his work and Stella and … Well, he’ll just have to get over it because Dad’s back. End of.’

  Alice felt sick, but she stayed still and said nothing.

  ‘Do you think Daddy will look the same?’ Holly asked.

  ‘He said he’s thinner. I asked him to send me a selfie, but the boring old farts at the embassy said he wasn’t allowed to,’ Jools answered.

  Holly hugged her knees to her chest. ‘It’s a miracle. A real-life miracle.’

  ‘You’ll have to take that off,’ Jools said, pointing to Alice’s engagement ring.

  Alice took it off and placed it carefully in the Cartier box beside her bed. She then pulled her gold necklace with the A out of a drawer and put it on. She had stopped wearing it after Dan had proposed. It just didn’t seem right to have Ben around her neck and be engaged to someone else.

  The necklace felt like a weight on her chest. She could feel her heart racing.

  ‘Will you give Dan back the ring?’ Holly asked.

  Alice nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Her hand looked so bare now.

  ‘She has to. She can’t let Dad see it. How do you think he’d feel if he found out Mum was engaged? I’ve been thinking about it, Mum. We mustn’t let Dad find out about Dan. It would really hurt him.’

  ‘We can’t lie. David and Pippa know too,’ Alice said.

  ‘We have to.’ Jools was adamant. ‘It’s not fair for Dad to come home and think we’ve all moved on without him.’ Her voice cracked. ‘He’d be heartbroken.’

  ‘Dan’s going to be heartbroken too,’ Holly said quietly.

  ‘Yes, but Dad is our dad. Dan is just a person.’

  Alice had been thinking the exact same thing. How the hell was she going to tell Ben that she had almost married someone else? Should she lie? Wasn’t that the wrong thing to do? He was probably going to be very fragile and emotionally fraught when he got back and she couldn’t just land that on him. But what if David said something or Pippa let it slip? She didn’t want him to hear it from anyone else, but it was a terrible thing to have to admit to him. Jools was right: they shouldn’t say anything. Not now anyway, perhaps not ever.

  Alice wanted to scream. Just when she’d found happiness and moved on, Ben had turned up alive. She felt torn in two. She loved Dan and couldn’t bear to tell him it was over. She didn’t want it to be over. She wanted to run to him right now.

  ‘Okay, shower time.’ Alice rushed into her bathroom before she broke down. It wouldn’t do to have a panic attack in front of the girls. On what should have been such a happy day, she just felt sick and terrified.

  She heard the front door open and slam. Then Kevin’s voice called up the stairs: ‘Anyone here ready for the reunion of their lives?’

  Jools squealed, ‘Yes!’ and Alice felt her whole body start to shake.

  ‘Where’s your mum?’ Kevin asked.

  ‘Bathroom,’ Holly said. ‘And we need to get showered as well.’

  ‘Off you go,’ said Kevin. ‘I’ll wait here for her.’

  Alice heard the two girls run to their rooms, then silence. From the other side of the door Kevin said, ‘I’m right here, Alice. I’ll be here when you come out.’

  Alice turned on the shower so he wouldn’t hear her crying.

  Kevin pulled three dresses out of her wardrobe. ‘This one, I think,’ he said, holding up the baby blue one. ‘It brings out your eyes.’

  ‘That’s Ben’s favourite.’ Alice had thought it wasn’t possible to cry any more, but tears fell down her cheeks, hot and salty. Her eyes were sore from weeping.

  Kevin went over and locked the bedroom door. ‘You’re afraid you won’t feel the same way about him?’

  ‘Yes,’ Alice sobbed. ‘What if I don’t love him, Kevin? I let Ben go. I moved on. I love Dan. I genuinely do. I know that makes me a really bad person, but I can’t just un-love Dan.’

  Kevin handed her a tissue. ‘You’re not a bad person. You were so sad and so full of grief I thought you were going to have a nervous breakdown, but you dug deep and, instead of going off the rails entirely, you pulled yourself up and began to live again. There is absolutely no shame in that.’

  Alice blew her nose. ‘But what am I going to say to Ben? What’s going to happen? Are we just going to come home and live as if the last two years weren’t real? The only person I want to see right now is Dan.’ Alice slumped onto her bed.

  ‘Have you spoken to him since last night?’ Kevin asked.

  ‘No, I don’t know what to say, but he keeps calling and texting.’

  ‘You have to say something or else he’ll come here and then you’re in real trouble.’

  ‘What am I supposed to tell him?’ Alice said weakly.

  Kevin picked up
her phone and handed it to her. ‘Just text, Really sorry, having bit of family crisis, will call as soon as I can.’

  Alice tried to type but her hands were shaking, so Kevin did it for her. ‘God, Kevin, I really want to talk to him.’

  Kevin put his hands on her shoulders. ‘I know you do, but you can’t, Alice. Not today. You have to focus on the girls and Ben now.’

  Alice decided not to wear the blue dress. It felt wrong. She felt as if she was letting Dan down by wearing Ben’s favourite dress. Her head was so muddled she thought it was going to burst. In the end she chose a simple black dress that she liked and felt comfortable in, then sat down to do her make-up. By the time she had finished, she looked better – tired, older and a bit weary, perhaps, but not too bad.

  Once Alice was ready, she nodded at Kevin and he unlocked the door. A few minutes later the girls came in all dressed up. Jools was wearing tight black trousers and a silver top with black detail, and Holly was in a lovely red and navy tweed mini-dress.

  Kevin stood in front of them and told them to stand together for a photo. ‘It’s a momentous occasion so we need to mark it.’

  Alice put her arms around her two girls. The three amigos. Soon to be four again. Holly huddled close to her mother, while Jools hopped from one foot to the other, desperate to see her dad.

  The bell rang. ‘It’s the car!’ Jools tore downstairs to open the door.

  Alice stood frozen to the spot.

  ‘Oh. Hi, Granddad.’

  ‘Oh, Christ, it’s Harold!’ Kevin hissed. ‘I’d forgotten all about him.’

  ‘Why did he come here? I told him to meet us at the airport,’ Alice said.

  ‘Guilt, because he hasn’t contacted you in so long,’ Kevin said.

  Holly went downstairs to greet the grandfather she hadn’t seen for nearly a year.

  Alice and Kevin could hear Harold’s voice booming, ‘Incredible … wonderful … can’t believe it …’

  ‘I really don’t want to see him,’ Alice said fiercely. ‘The mean old bastard never even rang the girls on their birthdays.’

  Kevin put on his jacket. ‘He’s Ben’s dad. You’re just going to have to suck it up.’