The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works

by William Shakespeare

  LADY PERCY It must, of force. Exeunt

  2.5 Enter Prince Harry

  PRINCE HARRY Ned, prithee come out of that fat room, and lend me thy hand to laugh a little.

  Enter Poins ⌈at another door⌉

  POINS Where hast been, Hal?

  PRINCE HARRY With three or four loggerheads, amongst three or fourscore hogsheads. I have sounded the very bass-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother to a leash of drawers, and can call them all by their christen names, as ‘Tom’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Francis’. They take it already, upon their salvation, that though I be but Prince of Wales yet I am the king of courtesy, and tell me flatly I am no proud jack like Oldcastle, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy—by the Lord, so they call me; and when I am King of England I shall command all the good lads in Eastcheap. They call drinking deep ‘dyeing scarlet’, and when you breathe in your watering they cry ‘Hem!’ and bid you ‘Play it off!’ To conclude, I am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour that I can drink with any tinker in his own language during my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost much honour that thou wert not with me in this action. But, sweet Ned—to sweeten which name of Ned I give thee this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now into my hand by an underskinker, one that never spake other English in his life than ‘Eight shillings and sixpence’, and ‘You are welcome’, with this shrill addition, ‘Anon, anon, sir ! Score a pint of bastard in the Half-moon!’ or so. But, Ned, to drive away the time till Oldcastle come, I prithee do thou stand in some by-room, while I question my puny drawer to what end he gave me the sugar, and do thou never leave calling ‘Francis!’, that his tale to me may be nothing but ‘Anon!’ Step aside, and I’ll show thee a precedent.

  Exit Poins

  POINS (within) Francis!

  PRINCE HARRY Thou art perfect.

  POINS (within) Francis!

  Enter Francis, a drawer

  FRANCIS Anon, anon, sir!—Look down into the Pomegranate, Ralph !

  PRINCE HARRY Come hither, Francis.

  FRANCIS My lord.

  PRINCE HARRY How long hast thou to serve, Francis?

  FRANCIS Forsooth, five years, and as much as to—

  POINS (within) Francis!

  FRANCIS Anon, anon, sir!

  PRINCE HARRY Five year! By’r Lady, a long lease for the clinking of pewter. But Francis, darest thou be so valiant as to play the coward with thy indenture, and show it a fair pair of heels, and run from it?

  FRANCIS O Lord, sir, I’ll be sworn upon all the books in England, I could find in my heart—

  POINS (within) Francis!

  FRANCIS Anon, sir!

  PRINCE HARRY How old art thou, Francis ?

  FRANCIS Let me see, about Michaelmas next I shall be—

  POINS (within) Francis!

  FRANCIS Anon, sir! (To the Prince) Pray, stay a little, my lord.

  PRINCE HARRY Nay, but hark you, Francis. For the sugar thou gavest me, ’twas a pennyworth, was’t not?

  FRANCIS O Lord, I would it had been two I

  PRINCE HARRY I will give thee for it a thousand pound. Ask me when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it—

  POINS (within) Francis!

  FRANCIS Anon, anon!

  PRINCE HARRY Anon, Francis? No, Francis, but tomorrow, Francis; or, Francis, o’ Thursday; or, indeed, Francis, when thou wilt. But Francis.

  FRANCIS My lord.

  PRINCE HARRY Wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch?

  FRANCIS O Lord, sir, who do you mean ?

  PRINCE HARRY Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink ! For look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet will sully. In Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.

  FRANCIS What, sir?

  POINS (within) Francis !

  PRINCE HARRY Away, you rogue ! Dost thou not hear them call ?

  ⌈As he departs⌉ Poins and the Prince both call him.

  The Drawer stands amazed, not knowing which

  way to go.

  Enter Vintner

  VINTNER What, standest thou still, and hearest such a calling? Look to the guests within. Exit Francis My lord, old Sir John with half a dozen more are at the door. Shall I let them in?

  PRINCE HARRY Let them alone a while, and then open the door. Exit Vintner Poins !

  POINS ⌈within⌉ Anon, anon, sir!

  Enter Poins

  PRINCE HARRY Sirrah, Oldcastle and the rest of the thieves are at the door. Shall we be merry?

  POINS As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye, what cunning match have you made with this jest of the drawer? Come, what’s the issue?

  PRINCE HARRY I am now of all humours that have showed themselves humours since the old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve o’clock at midnight.

  ⌈Enter Francis⌉

  What’s o’clock, Francis?

  FRANCIS Anon, anon, sir ! ⌈Exit at another door⌉

  PRINCE HARRY That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman ! His industry is upstairs and downstairs, his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the Hotspur of the North—he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, ‘Fie upon this quiet life ! I want work.’ ‘O my sweet Harry,’ says she, ‘how many hast thou killed today?’ Give my roan horse a drench,’says he, and answers, ‘Some fourteen,’ an hour after; ‘a trifle, a trifle.’ I prithee call in Oldcastle. I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. ‘Rivo!’ says the drunkard. Call in Ribs, call in Tallow.

  Enter Sir John Oldcastle, with sword and buckler, Russell, Harvey, and Gadshill, ⌈followed by⌉ Francis, with wine

  POINS Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?

  SIR JOHN A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too, marry and amen!—Give me a cup of sack, boy.—Ere I lead this life long, I’ll sew netherstocks, and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards!—Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?

  He drinketh

  PRINCE HARRY Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter—pitiful hearted Titan—that melted at the sweet tale of the sun’s? If thou didst, then behold that compound.

  SIR JOHN (to Francis) You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too. There is nothing but roguery to be found in villainous man, yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it. ⌈Exit Francis⌉ A villainous coward ! Go thy ways, old Jack, die when thou wilt. If manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives not three good men unhanged in England, and one of them is fat and grows old, God help the while. A bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver—I could sing psalms, or anything. A plague of all cowards, I say still.

  PRINCE HARRY How now, woolsack, what mutter you?

  SIR JOHN A king’s son ! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I’ll never wear hair on my face more. You, Prince of Wales!

  PRINCE HARRY Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the matter?

  SIR JOHN Are not you a coward? Answer me to that. And Poins there?

  POINS Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the Lord I’ll stab thee.

  SIR JOHN I call thee coward? I’ll see thee damned ere I call thee coward, but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders; you care not who sees your back. Call you that backing of your friends ? A plague upon such backing! Give me them that will face me. Give me a cup of sack. I am a rogue if I drunk today.

  PRINCE HARRY O villain, thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunkest last.

  SIR JOHN All is one for that.

  He drinketh

  A plague of all cowards, still say I.

  PRINCE HARRY What’s the matter?

  SIR JOHN Wha
t’s the matter? There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.

  PRINCE HARRY Where is it, Jack, where is it?

  SIR JOHN Where is it? Taken from us it is. A hundred upon poor four of us.

  PRINCE HARRY What, a hundred, man?

  SIR JOHN I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them, two hours together. I have scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose, my buckler cut through and through, my sword hacked like a handsaw. Ecce signum.

  ⌈He shows his sword⌉

  I never dealt better since I was a man. All would not do. A plague of all cowards! (Pointing to Gadshill, Harvey, and Russell) Let them speak. If they speak more or less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.

  ⌈PRINCE HARRY Speak, sirs, how was it?

  ⌈GADSHILL⌉ We four set upon some dozen—

  SIR JOHN (to the Prince) Sixteen at least, my lord.

  ⌈GADSHILL⌉ And bound them.

  HARVEY No, no, they were not bound.

  SIR JOHN You rogue, they were bound every man of them, or I am a Jew else, an Hebrew Jew.

  ⌈GADSHILL⌉ As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.

  SIR JOHN And unbound the rest; and then come in the other.

  PRINCE HARRY What, fought you with them all?

  SIR JOHN All? I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish. If there were not two- or three-and-fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

  PRINCE HARRY Pray God you have not murdered some of them.

  SIR JOHN Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered two of them. Two I am sure I have paid—two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward—

  ⌈He stands as to fight⌉

  here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me.

  PRINCE HARRY What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.

  SIR JOHN Four, Hal, I told thee four.

  POINS Ay, ay, he said four.

  SIR JOHN These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.

  ⌈He wards himself with his buckler⌉

  PRINCE HARRY Seven? Why, there were but four even now.

  SIR JOHN In buckram?

  POINS Ay, four in buckram suits.

  SIR JOHN Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

  PRINCE HARRY (aside to Poins) Prithee, let him alone. We shall have more anon.

  SIR JOHN Dost thou hear me, Hal?

  PRINCE HARRY Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

  SIR JOHN Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I told thee of—

  PRINCE HARRY (aside to Poins) So, two more already.

  SIR JOHN Their points being broken—

  POINS ⌈aside to the Prince⌉ Down fell their hose.

  SIR JOHN Began to give me ground. But I followed me close, came in foot and hand, and, with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid.

  PRINCE HARRY (aside to Poins) O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of two!

  SIR JOHN But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.

  PRINCE HARRY These lies are like their father that begets them—gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch-

  SIR JOHN What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth the truth?

  PRINCE HARRY Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? Come, tell us your reason. What sayst thou to this?

  POINS Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

  SIR JOHN What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

  PRINCE HARRY I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh—

  SIR JOHN ’Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish—O, for breath to utter what is like thee!—you tailor’s yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck—

  PRINCE HARRY Well, breathe awhile, and then to’t again, and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.

  POINS Mark, Jack.

  PRINCE HARRY We two saw you four set on four, and bound them, and were masters of their wealth.—Mark now how a plain tale shall put you down.—Then did we two set on you four, and, with a word, outfaced you from your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house. And Oldcastle, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still run and roared, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

  POINS Come, let’s hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

  SIR JOHN By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear you, my masters. Was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I turn upon the true prince? Why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules; but beware instinct. The lion will not touch the true prince—instinct is a great matter. I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life—I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money.—(Calling) Hostess, clap to the doors.—Watch tonight, pray tomorrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry, shall we have a play extempore?

  PRINCE HARRY Content, and the argument shall be thy running away.

  SIR JOHN Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me.

  Enter Hostess

  HOSTESS O Jesu, my lord the Prince!

  PRINCE HARRY How now, my lady the Hostess, what sayst thou to me?

  HOSTESS Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you. He says he comes from your father.

  PRINCE HARRY Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother.

  SIR JOHN What manner of man is he?

  HOSTESS An old man.

  SIR JOHN What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his answer?

  PRINCE HARRY Prithee do, Jack.

  SIR JOHN Faith, and I’ll send him packing. Exit

  PRINCE HARRY Now, sirs; (to Gadshill) by’r Lady, you fought fair—so did you, Harvey, so did you, Russell. You are lions too—you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince; no, fie!

  RUSSELL Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

  PRINCE HARRY Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Oldcastle’s sword so hacked?

  HARVEY Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.

  RUSSELL Yea, and to tickle our noses with speargrass, to make them bleed; and then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before—I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.

  PRINCE HARRY O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away. What instinct hadst thou for it?

  RUSSELL (indicating his face) My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold these exhalations?

  PRINCE HARRY I do.

  RUSSELL What think you they portend?

  PRINCE HARRY
Hot livers, and cold purses.

  RUSSELL Choler, my lord, if rightly taken. ⌈Exit⌉

  PRINCE HARRY No, if rightly taken, halter.

  Enter Sir John Oldcastle

  Here comes lean Jack; here comes bare-bone. How now, my sweet creature of bombast? How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?

  SIR JOHN My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist; I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring. A plague of sighing and grief—it blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villainous news abroad. Here was Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the North, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?

  POINS Owain Glyndwr.

  SIR JOHN Owain, Owain, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots Douglas, that runs a-horseback up a hill perpendicular—

  PRINCE HARRY He that rides at high speed and with his pistol kills a sparrow flying.

  SIR JOHN You have hit it.

  PRINCE HARRY So did he never the sparrow.

  SIR JOHN Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he will not run.

  PRINCE HARRY Why, what a rascal art thou, then, to praise him so for running!

  SIR JOHN A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge a foot.

  PRINCE HARRY Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

  SIR JOHN I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more. Worcester is stolen away tonight. Thy father’s beard is turned white with the news. You may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.

  PRINCE HARRY Why then, it is like, if there come a hot June and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails: by the hundreds.