Lizzie's List

by Melling, Diane

  “Well, everybody, I think we can clearly say that it was a triumphant day and thanks so much for your help!” I say, still buzzing slightly on adrenalin.

  “I think we can all agree that this place will be the making of you both. I think the location is great and its size allows it to retain some of the cosiness of Tea Cosy 1, but allows for more customers with the extra space,” replies Dad.

  “I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m in need of a glass of wine. Shall we clear up and head off to the pub? Mark’s coming over later, and we should all celebrate today’s success,” suggests Tabitha.

  “Well, your dad’s driving, but we could come for one I suppose,” answers Mum.

  “You and Dad could stay at my flat, because I’m staying at James’ tonight with Tabitha and Mark. Ben will come, won’t he Kate?” I ask.

  “Yes I’m sure he will – I’ll give him a call now.”

  “Well that’s settled then,” answers Mum, already donning her rubber gloves to get finished, “but I’m not coming if you two start singing,” she grins.

  “How do you know about that?” I ask, but already know the answer as Tabitha quickly scuttles off to do some job or other in the kitchen.

  Later that evening, we all gravitate towards the open fire in the pub. Although it’s only early in October, there is a distinct chill in the air this evening. I love autumn and how it brings the dappled colours of leaves contrasting against the bright blue sky. I love the warm sunny days finished with crisp, darkening, cooler evenings, leaving you craving the warmth and comfort of your home knowing that you’ll seek this for many months ahead. I love making autumnal-themed food: chutneys, pumpkin soup, apple crumble and treacle toffee – what’s not to love?

  There is a happy buzz around our table as everybody joins in with our celebrations. I still can’t quite believe that I am now part-owner of two establishments. I’ve never considered myself ambitious, but I am already thinking about whether we could open a third – but let’s not be too hasty just yet. “Well, shall we make a toast,” says Mark, “to The Tea Cosy 2 – may she make Kate and Lizzie loads of money!”

  “It’s not just about making money Mark; it’s about creating an experience for our customers,” I reply hastily.

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever Lizzie – to making loads of dosh!” he replies, and I give up and raise my glass.

  The boys discuss ideas for Ben’s stag do and end up deciding that having it at The Northern Edge is the easiest and best idea. Ben’s a bit of an adrenalin junkie and hasn’t yet been up there to do any activities, so wants to do some white water rafting, followed by a curry from the nearest take away. I glare at Kate in case she suggests something similar for her hen do. As much as I am glad that I did an extreme sport, I have no wish to participate in more of them so soon.

  Changing the subject ... Tabitha, who is very keen on knowing details about my list, asks, “Have you had any more thoughts about what to do next from your list, Lizzie?”

  “I’ve not to be honest. We’ve been so busy opening Tea Cosy 2, and I have a feeling that we’ll be busy for a while. The next thing on my list is slightly harder to do – it needs some thought,” I answer.

  “What do you mean – what is it?” James asks as I haven’t told him the whole of my list yet.

  “All I have written down is the word–visit. I want to visit somewhere I have never been to before in this country. I’m not really sure where to go yet. I need to think about it a little.”

  Task 8 – Visit somewhere in England that I haven’t ever previously visited.

  Later on, after tipsy hugs, we all part to go in our separate directions towards home, leaving Tabitha, Mark, James and me with our short walk up the track towards James’ cottage. We all head off to bed fairly quickly having consumed far too much drink.

  Snuggling up to me in bed, James says, “I’ve not told you how proud I am of your success. Sorry I didn’t make it down there today – it was just so busy, especially with Nick being away at the moment.” Nick is a new member of staff that James hired in July.

  “That’s okay,” I reply knowing that I can’t make a fuss after James has not moaned once about hardly seeing me over the last week. He slowly pulls me towards him and as usual he’s aroused; it doesn’t take long for me to succumb to his charms!

  Note to self

  Do not allow the business of the Tea Cosy 2 to affect my attention to my bodily hair. I was quite shocked last night when I noticed the speed of its re-growth. Thankfully James’ didn’t seem to notice – must be the beer!

  Start to think about task number 8 and where I might like to visit.

  Chapter 18

  Not everything is always as it seems

  October seems to spin out of control just like twirling and swirling leaves do on a windy, autumn day. It seems as though we have been running the Tea Cosy 2 forever, not just a month. We were reluctant to take on too many staff until we were sure of how busy we’d be, but it’s become obvious that we need more help. Mum, true to her word, has been great and helped us out, particularly at weekends when we are most busy. We have, however, been lucky enough to find a lovely lady called Kathy who has spent many years raising her children and now they are older wanted to work. She arrived full of apprehension, but after two days, she was like another woman, full of confidence, sending out batches of muffins like there’s no tomorrow. What’s more, she is keen to organise some of our themed nights here. Sewing and knitting are her things. Kate, being eager to start themed nights at Tea Cosy 2, jumped at this like a cat on a mouse.

  Working with Mum has actually been enjoyable and has brought us closer together. I had forgotten what a dry sense of humour she has. It also reminded me that it was she who taught me how to bake – introduced me to my first love. It’s fair to say that, although Mum is a good cook, it’s certainly not her love. She much prefers being out front with the customers.

  As November arrives with its frosty and angry attitude, we catered for the bonfire celebrations at the barn. The obvious children’s favourites of treacle toffee and toffee apples are on the menu, along with heart-warming food for adults, such as hot pot, chilli, pumpkin soup, treacle tart and apple pie, which we made using the apples from the orchard at the barn. James insisted that we add Lancashire hotpot to the menu, to which we all looked at him blankly, so he asked his mum for the recipe. When he tasted my version of it, he described it as smashing, which I assume means good.

  Anyway this all brings me to the present time, November 15th when I am finally getting a day off. Unfortunately, James is out on some expedition, so I said I’d take Jack out for a long, exhilarating walk. I’ve packed a picnic and intend being out in the fresh air for many hours, since the weather is glorious and the trees look magnificent, still grasping on to their remaining patterned, leaves.

  As I wander through the woods, I switch off my mobile phone to enjoy the peace of not being at somebody’s beck and call constantly. As much as I love my job, it’s been very intense over the last months and I endeavour to have some peace and enjoy this time, which I rarely get to myself.

  Reaching the top of Bluebell Hill, I sit and ponder whilst admiring the colourful view, now a patchwork of oranges, yellows and browns. Smiling as I think about my best friend Kate and how happy she is about her upcoming wedding to Ben, I feel contented. My thoughts turn to Ruth and Pete and how quickly and happily they seem to have fitted into each other’s lives. Tabitha and Mark are fast becoming the people I love to be with now our relationships seem to be developing. Mum and Dad seem comfortable and I cannot possibly be happier or more in love with James.

  I like to think that I am not already planning our wedding, but if I’m honest, it’s only the finer details that I haven’t yet considered. Obviously I have not told James any of this, especially since he’s hasn’t even mentioned marriage in any shape or form; however, should he ever ask, I
’m well and truly ready for the preparations. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not in a rush, but should he ask me–I’d say yes!

  Thinking about my life at the moment, family–friends, my business and James; it almost feels as though I am enclosed within a bubble of happiness. Everything inside my bubble is perfect, and it seems that nothing can alter my joyous mood. My only hope is that my bubble never pops.

  I deliver Jack back to James’ and head off to the flat as James won’t be back until much later. Unpacking my rucksack, I pull out my stuff and switch my mobile back on, only to be greeted with an insistent beeping as text after text arrives. Slightly disturbed, because nobody ever texts me this much, I read the first one which is from Mark.

  Lizzie call me ASAP – Dad is in hospital.

  Notes to Self

  ...

  Chapter 19

  Wednesday 15th November

  The day my dad died of a heart attack.

  Feeling bleak, mournful and in shock, we sit around mum’s kitchen table nursing the lukewarm tea sitting at the bottom of our china mugs – left to go cold, because none of us really feels like eating or drinking. It seems to be the only useful thing I can do right now – make cups of tea. How can we deal with this? How will we get through this?

  By the time I got to the hospital it was too late; dad had already passed away. I found Mark and Mum in a family room looking ashen, and I knew the result before Mark opened his mouth to tell me the tragic news.

  Mark and I slept at Mum’s last night. I can’t call it mum and dad’s house now; that thought alone tears out my soul. This morning we all just sit staring at nothing, still in total shock. That’s the hard part – none of us ever suspected it. My perfect, kind, unassuming dad has gone and I can’t quite believe that yet. I keep expecting him to walk in through the door at any moment asking for tea and scones or for somebody to tell me it’s some sort of mistake, sick joke–anything, but face the bitter reality of what’s happened.

  The days that follow, seem like a never ending rollercoaster of terrible emotions ranging from despair to shock to numbness. Mum is coping well, although I don’t feel that reality has hit her yet, so Mark and I are staying with her. She is busying herself with funeral arrangements – anything to take her mind from the truth; that her loving husband is dead.

  James has been great and has paid me many visits at Mum’s, but realistically I need to be there for Mum and there is little he can do apart from hold me – which he does–often. Tabitha equally does her best for Mark and all of us. Kate of course, holds the fort whilst I take all the time I need away from the business. All these people are helping us, when in actual fact, I know they loved my dad in their own way and are grieving too.

  The funeral was something we just had to get through in my mind, until I saw my dad’s coffin arrive at the church. This is the point, when what has happened suddenly hit me with a force I never knew. My dad was lying in the coffin, and I would never see him again. How can he die on us? As we followed him up the aisle, I realised that he would never walk anywhere with me again, never do anything with me again and I miss him so, so much.

  People hug me, drinks are drunk and food is eaten. People comment on the lovely service, but I don’t hear, see or become aware of anything as I am enclosed within my own realisation that after that day we would all have to carry on without him. I already missed him unbearably.

  The day after the funeral is when Mum finally cracks, as grief pours and pours from her like non-stop water from a burst pipe – violent tears, shuddering, heart-felt sobbing. I find myself rising to the role of the parent trying to comfort her and make sure she eats and gets through the day.

  In the days that follow, the tears have reduced, but she goes through the day in a sort of trance as if her feelings are so badly hurt, she can’t feel anything anymore.

  As the weeks pass, we all try to get back to normal or some level of normality. Mark and I take turns to visit mum, offering her a bed should she want to stay with us. She always declines, preferring to stay in her own home, where she feels closest to Dad.

  Note to Self

  No amount of worry ever changed tomorrow. Write this down and remember Dad’s advice so that I never forget.

  Chapter 20

  The beauty of nature

  Now early December, and Mum is going away with her Golden Girls, who have all rallied around her brilliantly, dragging her to various places, perhaps desperately trying to show mum that she has friendship no matter what. It’s still very early days and everything is a first, her first week without dad, then her first month, and now her first trip away, without Dad to be waiting there on her return. Having said that, I feel confident that her friends will ensure she’s okay – as much as she can be.

  Whilst I was driving home from work today, a thought or urge suddenly hit me, causing me to drive far too fast because of my need to get home to make plans – fast!

  First, I call Kate because I am going to need even more time off, which is possible now we have additional staff, and also there is the fact that Kate has been and still is the most supportive friend ever.

  Second, as soon as I get home, I go online and make a reservation. Following this, I pack my overnight bag. The final thing I need to do–is call on James to tell him what I’m doing and where I’m going, especially after my anger at him for telling me about his France visit by text.

  Number eight on my list has been causing me some debate after Tabitha brought it up in the pub. I wasn’t sure where I should visit and had been trying to think of maybe visiting somewhere very remote like the Outer Hebrides. I even considered asking James if he’d like to come with me, but today the answer became clear – like a vision. I need to visit the Lake District, for my Dad, and I need to go right now. I can’t explain why it can’t wait; I just need to go. He never went there and wanted to, so I’m going to go and take him with me in my heart. I still feel as though he’s with me and talk to him regularly, so I’ll take him there – in spirit.

  When I arrive at James’, there is an unfamiliar car outside. It’s 4.30pm so it is dark already. As I walk up the path, I notice movement through his living room window and because the curtains undrawn, I am able to make out the shape of two people through the window. Getting closer, my heart stops momentarily, as I see James embracing a woman in his arms, stroking her cheek and gently moving her hair behind her ear, whilst her head is resting on his shoulder. His tender touch is plainly evident as he continues to caress her face. Watching, trance-like, unable to move my legs, I keep watching for several minutes observing the scene hoping that my eyes are playing trick upon me or that I am imagining this scene.

  My world and the bubble of happiness protecting me have crashed again for the second time in less than a month. Unable to think straight, but knowing what I saw, I flee to my car, quickly turn on the ignition and head north as fast as I can, in a state of tearful confusion.

  My thoughts are jumping to and fro, like an angry fly trapped in a glass desperate to escape the torture of entrapment. Firstly my dad dies and now my boyfriend is seeing another woman. Battling with this, part of me is still debating whether I imagined it because James has told me he loves me. Our relationship has felt so real, that I can’t believe he could hold another woman like that; however, the scene I’ve just witnessed was too loving for there not to be something between him and her. I’ve been very distracted recently and not myself, but for good reason. If he can’t stand by me at a time like this, then I don’t want him! His closeness to this woman was too much to be just a friend – I know what I saw.

  By 8.30pm, I finally arrive at my hotel, The Wordsworth, in a village called Grasmere. After checking in and finding my room, I collapse into bed and cry myself to exhaustion before finally falling into a fitful sleep.

  The following morning, I wake up and momentarily forget what’s happened, until I take in my surroundings and t
he memories rush back like as swing about to return to you after you’ve made such an effort to push it away. I am determined to make this trip about my dad and part of my grieving process, despite feeling upset and angry with James. How can this man who I put my trust in fail me at a time like this? The man I thought I knew has let me down, and as much as it hurts me, I tell myself that I don’t need him. I will see the Lake District for my dad and I will find some element of comfort for me and enjoyment for him. James is locked away in my mind to deal with at another time.

  When I check my phone, I notice a text and missed call from James, but choose to ignore them simply because I can’t deal with him right now – this is about my dad.

  Struggling to find an appetite, I hesitantly fill my mouth with thick chunks of bacon and surprisingly find that I am actually hungry, not having eaten anything since lunchtime yesterday. Looking at the maps I bought for dad as I eat, I wonder about what Dad would have liked to do if he was here. After a few moments of reflection, I decide that Dad would want to see panoramic mountainous views for miles and miles, so climbing a mountain seems the obvious choice.

  As you know, I love maps and have read a lot about the Lakes District before I selected those I gave to my dad for his birthday. Pondering over the information, I narrow down the exact mountain to climb. Being by myself, I want to climb something manageable within a few hours. Finally, I decide to climb a small mountain called Loughrigg Fell, which I can walk to from Grasmere village; it seems to tick all the boxes.

  Before I start my walk, I remember more of Dad’s advice about always telling somebody where you are going, so I call Kate. Her phone goes straight to voicemail, so I leave a message briefly explaining what I saw at James’, where I am, where I’m heading, and that I’ll text her when I get back to the hotel.