Not at First

by Phalla S. Rios

“Does each one of your tattoos have a meaning?” I ask, my voice low.

  “Yes, they do.”

  “What does the angel and heart stand for,” I brush my fingers over the image to let him know what I’m talking about.

  “A girl from my past,” he sighs.

  “You fell in love with her.” I stated instead of asking.

  “I did.”

  “Is she still in your life?” The words slip out of my mouth, before I could stop them.

  Did I really want to know?

  “She’s around…” he trails off.

  Before I can ask something else, he has his index finger on my lips. “Shhh, time to go to sleep now.” He tells me.

  I oblige and close my eyes, smiling the whole time. Kevin just answered all of my questions without any hesitations. Maybe he will stop keepings secrets from now on.

  Opening my eyes was painfully hard to do as I try to wake up. My body is almost all the way on top of Kevin, our arms and legs are entangled. I try to push myself off of him, but Kevin maneuvers himself to pin me beneath him on the bed.

  “I have to get up,” I wail.

  “Where are you going?” He muffles into my hair half asleep.

  “I have to pee.”

  Kevin groans and rolls off me and I rush off the bed before he changes his mind.

  I tiptoe out of the restroom to find Kevin sleeping on his stomach, his limbs spread out to cover the bed.

  Good, he’s asleep.

  I tiptoe across the room to the open door.

  “Where are you going now?” Kevin mumbles.

  Shit!

  I turn around to find him still on his stomach, but his face is staring right at me, suspicion written all over.

  “I was going to get a glass of water.” I walk out of his room before he has time to respond, all the way to my phone.

  The flashing light that lets me know I have missed messages and or phone calls, taunting me from the foyer. I snatch up the phone and clear everything without looking at the screen, wishing I could clear my guilty conscience too.

  I set the phone back down on the table, my hand lingering over it. I’m surprise it didn’t combust and catch on fire from my hot stare.

  Then I jump startled from movements behind me. I turn around to find Kevin still in his shorts, arms crossed over his chest and his legs apart.

  His stance is of a man that doesn’t want to be fucked with.

  I tuck my hair behind my ears and walk to him.

  “I thought you were just getting water.” His eyes scream, ‘you’re a liar’.

  “I was, but then I notice my phone flashing.” I walk around him to the fridge. “Where do you keep your cups?” I glance back at him.

  Kevin walks over to me, opens the cupboard near the fridge, and hands me a glass. I smile at him as I take the cup from his hand.

  “Who called you?” He asks, leaning on his side against the kitchen island.

  “You know who.” I take a sip of the water, using the cup to shield my face somehow.

  “What are you doing, Angel” Kevin has his eyebrow arch as if he’s asking the question through them.

  “I’m drinking water.” I move around him to place the cup in the sink.

  Kevin clamps his hands onto my waist and pulls me to him. “Angel, you know what I’m talking about. Roman, he’s your boyfriend, isn’t he?”

  I press my palm onto Kevin’s big hard chest and study the scars on my hand. I don’t want to answer him, I’m too afraid of the outcome. He wants to know something that I am afraid will destroy us. Will he tell me to leave? He’s already slowly slipping away from my life and it’s scaring me. I will not be able to live through it.

  Kevin shakes my waist a little to bring me back to him. I lift up my eyes to meet his piercing hazel orbs that are full of questions that are awaiting answers.

  “Yes, Roman’s my boyfriend.” I whisper.

  “Then why are you here with me and not with him?” he asks. “If you were mine, I’d be damn fucking sure, you were not anywhere near another man.”

  “Do you want me to leave?”

  “No, Angel. I want you to stay. I want you to call Roman and tell him you’re leaving him. I want you with me, only, and always with just me.” His voice cracks at the end and trails off. “But, I know that will never happen, so I’ll take what you can give me, like a fucking fool.”

  Hearing the hurt flowing off of his words nearly tears me apart. I burst into tears and cover my face with my hands.

  “I-I should go,” I say through my hands.

  Kevin lifts me up and starts moving. I go limp against his body, my hands still on my face. He sets me down in front of the bathtub and turns on the water. He pours some soap into the tub and takes off my clothes for me.

  “You had an eventful night and it’s all because of me.” He caresses my cheek with his knuckles. “Now, I’m hurting you again.”

  I shake my head. How can he still be good to me? Doesn’t he know I’m the one hurting him?

  Kevin shuts off the water and takes my hand to help me into the bathtub. The water envelopes my body with soothing pressures coming from the jets in the tub, letting my tensions flow off of me in waves into the water.

  “Ahhh,” I sigh.

  Kevin chuckles as he looks down to me. “Take your time, I’m gonna start breakfast.”

  I nod and close my eyes, letting my body relax further into the water.

  “Angel, I think it’s time for you to come have breakfast.” A distant voice says to me.

  I slowly open my eyes. Kevin is looming over me with a towel in his hands.

  “I fell asleep,” I murmur, my voice raspy.

  “Yes, you did.” Kevin shakes the towel in his hand to let me know it’s time to get out of the water.

  I climb out and Kevin dries me off.

  “I can dry myself off,” I say. “How long was I asleep?”

  “I know you can and for an hour.” Kevin drops the towel to the floor and hands me a bathrobe.

  I slip on the bathrobe and curl the collar in enjoying the softness on my body. Kevin drains the water and comes back to me.

  “Hungry?” He asks, taking my hand and leading me into the kitchen.

  Kevin deposits me onto a barstool and places a plate of food in front of me. My mouth waters as I glance down to see my favorite breakfast foods before me.

  “You made my favorite, French toast.” I grin, pouring maple syrup.

  “I know…” Kevin’s voice trails off and he turns back to the stove.

  I stop with a fork, midair full of French toast. “I know what? You have to finish telling me.” I demand.

  Kevin ignores me and continues to do whatever the hell he is doing. This grates on my nerves and hurts me. I hop off the barstool and stalk over to him.

  “Kevin,” I grab his arm to turn him around.

  He turns around and his eyes are blazing green. I blink and forget why I’m even upset with him.

  “Why don’t you eat your food,” Kevin’s voice is rough.

  “No,” I say crossing my arms over my chest. “I let you get away with too many secrets. You will start answering my questions whenever I ask you. And, you will answer honestly.”

  “I don’t fucking have to do anything of the sort,” Kevin growls.

  I blink again, but stand my ground. “Kevin, if you want our friendship to continue, you are going to learn not to keep so many things from me. I don’t even know who you really are.”

  “Does friends, do what we did in my truck last night?” Kevin asks getting closer to me.

  I take a step back.

  “I’ve seen you naked, my fingers have been in your pussy,” Kevin continues stepping closer, until his face is inches away from me.

  I can’t believe he just said that to me. Tears pool in my eyes, and I turn to walk away.

  Kevin grabs me and crushes my body to his. “Don’t walk away now, we are not done.”

  The tears flow down m
y cheeks, the hands that are pressed against Kevin’s muscled chest are frigid, unable to wipe my tears for me.

  “Angel, you will soon understand why I’m not able to tell you everything. When that happens I will be able to explain everything about me.”

  “So, I’m just going to have to turn a blind eye until then?” I say through tears and choking, my throat closing up.

  “No, I’m asking you to trust me. I have your best interest at heart…trust me.” Kevin whispers.

  I give up the fight. There’s no reason to continue to fight to get answers, it’s like going against a brick wall. You can punch all you want, but in the end, you’re the one with all the cuts and broken dreams.

  “Okay,” I whisper. “But, you can’t just talk to me the way you just did.”

  “Angel, you talk as if we’re platonic, we are anything but.” Kevin wipes the tears from my cheeks.

  “Where do we go from here?” I ask.

  “Where ever you want.” Kevin’s grip on me loosens.

  I lock eyes with him and I search for my answers on what to do with my jumbled mess of a life within the depth of his soul. His eyes don’t answer me back, but my heart answers instead. I have fallen in love with two men. There’s going to come a time where I will hurt one deeply, but for right now, I’m just going to enjoy them both. I will face the consequences when the time comes.

  “I better eat my breakfast,” I say, walking back to my plate of food.

  Kevin brings his own plate of food over and sits down next to me. We eat in silence basking in each other’s presence.

  Kevin takes our empty plates and rinses them off before placing them into the dishwasher.

  “There’s a Packers game on today. I will order us some pizza and we can have a few beers together.” Kevin says.

  “Can you order wings too? I don’t drink beer.” I glance up to catch him smirking.

  “Okay princess, what would you like to drink?”

  “Wine.”

  “Fine, let me make a call to the concierge. Go make yourself comfortable in the living room.”

  I sashay over to the couch, tuck my legs underneath me, and relax onto the armrest.

  I hear Kevin talking on the phone. His voice authoritative and demanding and he seems so confident. Kevin sounds just like Roman who’s a CEO of a company, not my classmate.

  Strange.

  Kevin ends the call and saunters over to me. He pulls me over to him and tucks me under his arm.

  “Food will be here in about thirty minutes.” He strokes my hair.

  “Did you want to put on a shirt?” I breathe onto his chest.

  “No,” Kevin laughs. “But, I do want you out of that robe.”

  I slap his stomach, a little too hard. “Don’t be a perv.”

  Kevin throws his head back and laughs, his throaty raspy laugh. He hugs me closer to his body and snatches the remote from the coffee table.

  “Time to watch the game, babe.” He turns the television on.

  Kevin just called me babe.

  I like that.

  The food and drinks did come right at thirty minutes later. Kevin leaves my side to retrieve everything from Stuart, the front desk guy.

  Kevin comes back looking as if he’s struggling to hold everything with two hands. He has the pizza and wings in one hand, bottle of wine tuck under his arm and a six pack of beer in the other hand.

  I jump up to take the pizza and wings from his hand, so he can set everything on the coffee table.

  I was sitting on the one end of the tie to my robe and the way my body moved to get to Kevin, opens the robe, to reveal one of my breasts.

  I pretend as if nothing has happened, set the pizza and wings down on the coffee table, and tie up my robe before Kevin sees anything.

  He saw everything.

  With his now free hands, he advances towards me. I take a step back, with Kevin taking another step forward.

  “I think I should go put on some clothes,” I whisper, looking everywhere but at him.

  “No, you don’t.” Kevin’s voice is low and husky.

  He places his hand on my hips and brings me closer to him.

  “Don’t…Kevin, please.” I whisper again.

  “Don’t what?” He cocks an eyebrow.

  He knows what he is doing to me. My body is leaning towards him, on its own accord. My breath is coming out unsteadily. The robe is burning up my skin, I need to remove it now, and have Kevin’s hands all over me.

  I place a hand on his chest and push him away gently. “We should get back to the game.”

  “It’s on pause,” Kevin murmurs. “Why don’t you just give in to what you want?”

  My eyes dart to Kevin’s, and then move back and forth searching again for answers. I don’t know why I keep doing this, but I want Kevin to tell me, something. Whatever that something is, I don’t know.

  “Kevin, we can’t keep doing this.” I say, an attempt to break free of the force that is Kevin consuming me.

  “After this, if you tell me you don’t feel anything, I will stop making you realize that you have a choice to make. I will leave you alone to be with him and I will move on.” Kevin cups my chin with his hand and lifts my head up.

  “After what?” I ask.

  Kevin answers by dropping his head and crushing his lips to mine. I instantly melt into his body. His hands untie my robe and slip in, caressing me everywhere, stroking from my hips up to my breast.

  “Your body feels so fucking good on my hands,” Kevin groans, taking his lips from me to suck and kiss down my cheek to my throat.

  He kneads my nipple with his finger, thumbs, and then continues to suck and kiss down my body to my other breast. His tongue swipes repeatedly on my engorged tip, sending me into a whirlwind of sensation and pleasure. My body arches to him wanting more, needing more.

  Kevin lifts me up and lays me across the couch. He climbs on top of me and moves his lips back to mine. My hands fist into his hair holding him to me. My legs wrap around his torso trapping him.

  The announcer on T.V. screams touchdown breaking us apart. Kevin’s head snaps up to look to see who made a touchdown. I wiggle my body to get off of the remote.

  “Kevin, the remote is digging into my back.” I tell him, still panting from what we had just done.

  Kevin turns back to me and chastely kisses me before he lifts me off the remote. His hands move to cup my breast and he dips he head back to my chest. Afraid what will happen if we start to tangle with each other again, I did what needed to be done, should have been done the first time.

  “Kevin!” I scream, scooting away from him and tying up my robe. “You need to stop!”

  Kevin sighs and lets his head drop back onto the couch. “It won’t happen again.” He sounds beaten and tired.

  I choke on the lump in my throat. This is it. The answer to what I needed. But why does it hurt so much to know, that after today Kevin will never be mine. I should be joyful to know he’s setting me free to be with Roman and not have to worry if my heart belongs somewhere else. But, my heart might already be with Kevin.

  “I’m going to get dressed and go.” I start to get up.

  Kevin grabs my hand. “We will remain friends, Angel. I like you as a person, a person that I want in my life. Don’t go we have plans to eat and watch the game.”

  Kevin sounds different, not at all, the college laid back guy. He sounds years older and wiser. I study him. He has two different personas, one that is responsible and one is demanding and doesn’t seem to care.

  “Who are you?” I ask, my voice raspy.

  “I’m me, so are you staying?” He tugs at my arm.

  “Yes,” I say, giving him a small smile.

  “Then sit.” He tugs me harder this time and I fall back onto his lap. “You do fit so fucking nice on my lap.”

  The old Kevin is back.

  He snakes his arm around my waist and holds me down. He nuzzles his head into my neck. I shiver from my toes up
through my spine.

  “Kevin, you said this wouldn’t happen again.” I say trying to squirm off of him.

  “I lie,” he says and there’s humor in his voice.

  I gasp. He can’t just turn my world upside down and then changes it back a couple of minutes later.

  “You are the biggest jerk I know. Let me get off of you, I’m hungry.” I mutter.

  Kevin lets me slide off of him and gets up. “I’m going to grab some plates and cups.”

  Kevin comes back and hands me a plate. He opens up the bottle of wine and pours some into a cup.

  “You don’t have any wine glasses?” I giggle.

  “I don’t drink wine.” He takes the plate back from me and loads pizza and wings onto it.

  He hands me both the plate and cup. I take them from him. I set the plate on my lap and take a sip of wine.

  “I miss this,” I say with my eyes closed savoring the wine.

  Kevin sits back next to me with his plate of food and a bottle of beer in his hand. He takes a swig of his beer. I watch him tilt the bottle to his mouth, the way his throat muscle moves to take down his drink.

  God, he looks so hot drinking his beer.

  Kevin turns to face me and I nervously tuck my hair behind my ear pretending to be engaged in the game.

  “Were you just checking me out right now?” Kevin asks, with a smirk on his face.

  “No, why would you ask that.” I know my voice is shaky.

  “It’s written all over your face, don’t shit me now.” Kevin laughs.

  “Always an ass.” I mutter.

  “Only for you, babe.” He takes another drink of his beer.

  I fight the urge to glance over, so I force myself to take a drink of my wine.

  Kevin relaxes further onto the couch. I tuck my legs under me and eat everything on my plate. Before the half time mark of the football game, we have finished the pizza and wings.

  Kevin is down to just three bottles of beer and I only have half a bottle of wine left. I am feeling a little tipsy.

  “I’m going to take a shower,” Kevin announces. “You sit tight and stop giggling so much.”

  “I’m not giggling,” I say, giggling.

  Kevin gets up and leans over me. He gives me a hard, wet kiss. When his tongue delves into my mouth, I giggle and pull away.

  “I think you should stop with the wine now.” Kevin tells me after he pulls away.