The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
Page 28
The guys were in dreamland. The son walked over to her ball, studied the putt for a couple of minutes and said: ‘Lady, aim that putt three inches to the right of the hole and it will break to the left and drop in the middle of the cup.’
The father walked over and said: ‘Don’t listen to the boy, ma’am. Aim six inches to the left and it will break right and drop in the middle of the hole.’
The grandfather looked at both of them in disgust, walked over, picked up the ball and said: ‘Never mind the putt, that’s a gimme.’
1012
How did the gay golfer break his leg at the course? – He fell off the ball washer.
1013
‘How was your golf game today?’ asked Bill’s wife Tammy.
‘I was hitting the ball pretty well,’ he replied, ‘but my eyesight is so bad now that I couldn’t see where the ball went.’
‘Bill, you’re seventy-five years old!’ admonished his wife. ‘Of course your eyesight isn’t as good as it used to be. Look, why don’t you take my brother Dan along?’
‘But Dan is eighty-four and doesn’t even play golf any more,’ protested Bill.
Tammy said: ‘I know he no longer has all his faculties, but he has got perfect eyesight. At least he could watch your ball.’
Bill agreed to give it a go, and the next day he teed off with Dan looking on. Bill swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
‘Did you see it?’ asked Bill.
‘Yup,’ replied Dan.
‘Well, where is it?’ yelled Bill, heading down the fairway and peering into the distance.
Dan said: ‘I forget.’
1014
A man and his wife had an argument in bed, after which he slept downstairs. The next day she felt guilty and decided to buy him a present. As he was a keen golfer, she went to the pro shop. The pro suggested a putter and showed her one of the best in stock.
‘How much?’ she asked.
‘$150,’ said the pro.
‘That’s a bit expensive.’
‘But it comes with an inscription.’
‘What kind of inscription?’
‘Whatever you like, but one of the old golfers’ favourites is NEVER UP, NEVER IN.’
‘Oh, that will do,’ said the wife. ‘After all, that’s what started the argument in the first place.’
1015
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming ‘Fujifoo! Fujifoo!’, which the guy took to be pleasurable.
The next day he was playing golf with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said: ‘Fujifoo!’
The Japanese clients looked confused and said: ‘No, you got the right hole.’
1016
A golfer drove his new Toyota into a country gas station. As the young attendant filled the car up, he spotted a handful of tees on the passenger seat.
‘What are those for?’ he asked.
‘They’re called tees,’ replied the golfer. ‘They’re for resting my balls on when I drive.’
‘Jesus!’ exclaimed the attendant. ‘Those Japanese have thought of everything!’
1017
Two guys were playing golf on a Saturday afternoon, just as they had every week for the past six years. The first guy was about to tee off when a woman in a wedding dress ran up to him screaming: ‘You bastard! You stinking bastard! You promised!’
Stepping back from the ball, he replied calmly: ‘Honey, I said only if it rains today . . .’
Rules of Bedroom Golf:
1018
1.
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
1019
2.
Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
1020
3.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
1021
4.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
1022
5.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
1023
6.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
1024
7.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.
1025
8.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
1026
9.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
1027
10.
Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
1028
11.
Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
1029
12.
The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes that may reduce the visibility of the hole.
1030
13.
Players are strongly advised to get the owner’s permission before playing the backside.
1031
14.
Slow play is encouraged, but players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner’s request.
1032
15.
It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
1033
A guy was playing a golf course for the first time and was struggling to find his way around. So he asked a woman who was playing up ahead which hole he was on.
‘I’m on the sixth,’ she said, ‘and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the fifth.’
He thanked her for her help, but then became disorientated once more on the back nine. Again, he called out to her and asked her which hole he was playing.
‘I’m on the fourteenth,’ she said, ‘and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the thirteenth.’
At the end of his round, he bumped into the woman in the clubhouse and bought her a drink in return for her assistance. As they got chatting, he asked her what line of work she was in.
‘You’ll laugh when I tell you,’ she said, ‘but I sell Tampax.’
‘Ha,’ he replied, ‘I sell toilet paper. So I guess that still makes me a hole behind you!’
1034
A guy was brought into hospital with a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctors asked him to tell them everything he remembered.
‘I was teaching my wife to play golf,’ he began. ‘Naturally I’d won every hole but on the short 18th she finally managed to sink a putt. I reached into the cup to retrieve her ball and I said: “Looks like your hole, dear.” And that was the last thing I remember.’
1035
A passer-by came across four golfers in a bunker. One was lying face down in the sand while the other three were arguing furiously.
‘What’s going on?’ asked the passer-by.
One of the golfers turned and said: ‘It’s these guys – they’ll do an
ything to win. My partner’s just had a stroke and they want to add it to our score!’
1036
After finishing his round of golf, Roger headed straight for the bar where he bumped into his friend Barney. Looking down at Roger’s trousers, Barney asked him: ‘Why are your trousers so wet at the front?’
Roger called him to one side and explained quietly: ‘Today is the first time I’ve played golf wearing bifocals. Throughout my round, I could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club, a big ball and a little ball, and so on. So I hit the little ball with the big club, and it worked a treat. And when I got to the green, I putted the little ball into the big cup. I played the best golf of my life.’
‘I understand all that,’ said Barney, ‘but how did you get so wet?’
‘Well,’ said Roger, ‘when I got to the 15th, I was desperate for a pee. I knew I couldn’t wait until I got back to the clubhouse. So I sneaked into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down there were two of them – a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back.’
1037
Two women were playing golf when one sliced her shot into a men’s foursome, causing one man to collapse in agony with both hands in his crotch. Rushing to his aid, the culprit apologized profusely, explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease the pain.
‘No, it’s OK,’ winced the man, his hands still between his legs. ‘I’ll be fine in a few minutes.’
‘No, I insist,’ she said as she undid the zip on his jeans and began massaging his genitals. ‘There, does that feel better?’
‘Yes, it feels great,’ said the man. ‘But my thumb still hurts like hell!’
1038
A husband and wife were playing on the tenth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
‘Please, dear, I need help,’ she gasped.
The husband ran off, promising: ‘I’ll fetch some help.’
Five minutes later, he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his putt.
His wife, lying on the ground, raised her head and said: ‘I may be dying and you’re putting?’
‘Don’t worry, honey,’ he said. ‘I found a doctor on the third hole who said he’d come and help you.’
‘The third hole?’ she groaned, clutching her chest. ‘When the hell is he coming?’
‘Hey! I told you not to worry,’ said the husband, practising his putt. ‘Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.’
GREEKS
1039
How do Greeks separate the men from the boys? – With a crowbar.
1040
What’s the Greek army motto? – ‘Never leave your buddy’s behind.’
1041
What’s long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night? – A new last name.
1042
An Englishman, an American and a Greek were called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman said: ‘I think I can drink twelve bottles of beer . . .’ BUZZZ, the lie detector went off. ‘OK, eight bottles.’ The machine remained silent.
The American said: ‘I think I can eat fifteen hamburgers . . .’ BUZZZ. ‘All right, seven hamburgers.’ The machine was silent.
The Greek said: ‘I think . . .’ BUZZZ.
1043
How does every ethnic joke start? – By looking over your shoulder.
GYNAECOLOGISTS
1044
A mother asked the gynaecologist to examine her teenage daughter. ‘She has been having some strange symptoms,’ explained the mother, ‘and I’m a little worried about her.’
The gynaecologist examined the girl before announcing: ‘Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.’
‘That’s nonsense!’ exclaimed the mother. ‘My little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with boys. Do you, darling?’
‘No, mumsy,’ replied the daughter innocently. ‘You know that I have never so much as kissed a boy!’
The gynaecologist looked at them both. Then silently he stood up and walked over to the window, staring out.
He continued staring out the window until the mother felt compelled to ask. ‘Doctor, is there something out there?’
‘No, madam,’ he replied. ‘It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East, and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.’
1045
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? – They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.
1046
A young woman was making her first visit to a gynaecologist and was understandably nervous. The gynaecologist sensed this.
‘You’re very nervous, aren’t you?’ he said.
‘Yes,’ she admitted.
‘Would you like me to numb you down there?’
‘Please.’
He stuck his head between her legs and went, ‘Num. num. num . . .’
1047
Why do women prefer elderly gynaecologists? –Their shaky hands.
1048
What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynaecologist? – A gynaecologist sucks his fingers . . .
1049
Bored with his job, a gynaecologist decided to switch careers and become a car mechanic. So he went to training classes, at the end of which was a final exam where students had to strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. When the results came through, he got top marks –150 per cent.
The former gynaecologist was amazed. ‘How come I scored 150 per cent?’ he asked. ‘I thought that was impossible.’
The instructor explained: ‘I gave you fifty per cent for taking the engine apart, fifty per cent for reassembling it, and I gave you a fifty per cent bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe!’
HAIR
1050
A woman had just had a baby when the doctor came in and said: ‘There’s good news and bad news.’
‘What’s the bad news?’ she asked.
‘Your baby is ginger.’
‘And what’s the good news?’
‘It’s dead.’
1051
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? – It matches their moustache.
1052
A man went to a barbershop for a shave. He said: ‘I have real trouble getting a close shave around the cheeks. Do you have any suggestions?’
‘Certainly, sir,’ replied the barber. ‘I have the very thing.’ He took a wooden ball from a drawer and said: ‘Place this between your cheek and gum.’
So the customer put the ball in his mouth and experienced his closest shave ever. After a minute or so, he spluttered: ‘What if I swallow it?’
‘No problem, sir. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.’
1053
What do you call a good-looking man with a redhead? – A hostage.
1054
‘You look different today, Jenny,’ said her friend Martha. ‘Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use – special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?’
‘No,’ said Jenny. ‘My vibrator shorted out this morning.’
1055
Why did the bald man cut holes in his jeans pockets? – So he could run his fingers through his hair.
1056
On a visit to the barber, a male customer asked for any suggestions to cure baldness.
‘It might sound strange, but the best thing I’ve found is female juices,’ confided the barber.
‘But you’re balder than I am!’ said the customer.
‘But you must admit I’ve got a great moustache . . .’
HALITOSIS
1057
A surgeon told his patient: ‘This is Nurse Smithers. She has a severe case of halitosis and she will be French-kissing you before your operation.’
‘Why?’ asked the patient.
The surgeon said: ‘
Because we’ve run out of anaesthetic’
1058
What good is a mouthwash that kills germs? Who wants a mouth full of dead germs?
1059
Did you hear about the guy who spent years trying to find a cure for his halitosis and acne, only to find that people didn’t like him anyway?