Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Skills Non-Ninjas Only Dream of Having

  Did You Know?

  Ninjas can only climb ladders backwards because of their huge boners. So they invented the catapult to get themselves into people’s backyards and onto roofs.

  Flying

  Ninjas fly all the time, because it’s cheap and easy. Not like birds, but more like hovercrafts, like they’re floating in the pool, but in air. All they need to do is start thinking about knives and necks, and they start to rise.

  Invisibility

  Being invisible would be pretty great, if you ask me. You could do anything! Suppose you were invisible and there is some kid who used to like you, but doesn’t anymore because you don’t know why, and he’s going through puberty, and just when he’s about to go to a fancy wedding or something, you sprinkle pubes all over his shirt, and it screws up the entire ceremony.

  Smoke Screen

  This is for ninjas who can’t get invisible for some reason.

  Bio-slime

  This is used for sticking to walls or for just freaking out the ladies. The slime comes out of their armpits, feet, and mouth. They spray when they get pumped.

  Trapping

  Ninja traps can be used for catching people. And then they can either scare their victim or just kill them, basically it’s up to the ninja. For example, if a ninja wants to trap a bunch of people at once, he could put a huge net in the street and cover it with leaves and twigs. Then when a bus comes, he would pull the rope and BOOM, he’s got them. The ninja would tip the bus over so everybody falls out into a huge tarp. Then the police would come see this bus just hanging from a tree, and they’d start screaming because they couldn’t understand what was going on. And the ninja would take the big bag of people and toss it into a lake where everybody inside would try to get out, but instead they’d end up scratching and kicking each other. And the ninja would sit on top and spread a blanket over the bubbling bag and enjoy a picnic with his friends and neighbors. The sun would keep the food warm, and they would look at each and know that everything’s going to be okay.

  Porking

  Ninjas are the toughest lovers ever! They are romantic and classy, making them a great opponent in any mating ritual. And after some wine, they spray nectar on their territory to attract mates, which usually works.

  X-ray vision

  With X-ray vision, a ninja can see through anything. A ninja uses this skill mostly for spying on victims or checking out women’s crotches. Ninjas can relax on a park bench during the weekend and look at vaginas all day, and nobody will ever know.

  Top Eleven Reasons Why Ninjas Kill People

  Picture an awesome field with tall grass and sunlight. Some deer are talking in the corner, but it’s nothing big. Then there’s you—face down and naked—all because you couldn’t shut your frigg’n mouth. A lot of people die from ninjas. I mean A LOT. And they all probably died for different reasons. And if you were to ask eleven different people what they thought about ninjas, you’d probably get one answer: “Totally sweet.” But that doesn’t mean if you ask eleven different ninjas why they killed somebody, they’ll give you the same answer. Here are some reasons why a ninja might kill you:

  1. Talking crap about somebody

  2. Being stupid

  3. Being retarded

  4. Telling a teacher that somebody has fireworks in their pocket when it doesn’t HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU

  5. Telling secrets about your best buddy to get people to like you

  6. Liking someone your friend likes

  7. Saying that you like somebody, but deep inside, you don’t

  8. Or liking somebody and telling them and everything, but as soon as they start liking you, you stop liking them, ’cause you’re almost fully retarded

  9. Giving your son dish detergent and a vacuum for Christmas, which doesn’t make sense, when all he really wanted was a robot that turned into a gun

  10. Giving somebody homework on Halloween

  11. Telling somebody that you’re going to come over and spend the night, and they wait for like three hours with the phone in their hand, and they even pooped in a bowl so they didn’t miss you in case you knocked, but, guess what, you never showed up, and they call your house, and your mom picks up the phone and is like, “I don’t know where he is. I’ll tell him you called. So please stop calling.” And when they see you the next day at school, you’re like, “Oh. Sorry, I forgot.”

  Japan

  (Where Ninjas Basically Came From)

  Did You Know?

  If you lived in Japan during the time of ninjas, you’d be a pretty happy person.

  Just imagine yourself being a ninja back in the olden days. It would just be you and a bunch of animals riding around the forest, and you could have your own castle with bears as guards that change shifts and everything. But, best of all, ninjas would be everywhere. A lot of people get the wrong idea about ninjas, because the only people to write about them were the ruling families of medieval Japan. Since they didn’t like ninjas AT ALL, they would talk huge amounts of crap about them, which isn’t fair when you think about it. They hated ninjas so much that back then, if somebody even mentioned the word “ninja,” they got their ass beat bad. And the only other people who wrote about them in the olden days were the British, and in case you haven’t heard, they were dicks—big time.

  Basically, ninjas came from Japan, which is screaming distance from China. Every single person in Japan gets to learn karate, even the fat ones. It’s like a fantasy. Japanese people use chopsticks for forks and use forks as pocket-weapons. But, before there were ninjas in Japan, there were samurais. I used to be really into samurais. I thought they were so great and everything. I couldn’t even do my homework or finish dessert. I would talk about samurais ALL THE TIME. People couldn’t stand being around me, and I don’t blame them. I refer to that time as my “crazy days.”

  Mark used to be into samurais back then, too. We would stay up all night thinking about them, and we wouldn’t even have to talk. We’d just be sitting on the floor, thinking about how sweet they were. Then, Mark and I would pretend to be in an ancient samurai’s bedroom fighting demons. But after a while he started to wear cologne and hair spray, which didn’t make sense, because samurais didn’t have access to that kind of stuff. He stopped caring about the details. And pretty soon, he stopped caring about samurais all together, which was crazy! And when I’d call and talk to him about samurais, he always had to go, because he said his mom needed his help, but I never heard her in the background. I’m not into samurais any more, though. I’m moving on, putting my life in order and my toys away. I’m growing up, and it’s showing everyday. I was too scared before, but now, I’m not afraid. I’ll stare people right down. And they always look away. And before samurais, I was into zombies. And before that, it20 was21 catapults.22

  Who Would Win?

  Ninjas vs. Anybody

  Did You Know?

  Most people, if given a choice, would probably think about ninjas all day.

  Since ninjas fight all the time, they have a lot of enemies. So here, I have collected a list of ninjas’ most formidable opponents and will talk about how bad ninjas would kill them in a REAL fight.

  Vikings

  Viking are pretty cool, but you can’t understand them, because they only speak through plundering and raping. Ninjas don’t have anything to steal, and if a Viking tries to rape a ninja, oh man, that Viking would get a surprise—how about a six-foot-boner-uppercut?

  Pirates

  These guys are the crap de la crap. They think that they’re pretty sweet with the boats and lasers, but they really aren’t, if you ask me. Number one, they can only use their magic on water. So basically, they are stupid and boring on land. And number two, they could only beat a ninja if the ninja had the flu, chicken pox, measles, mumps, and A.D.D. all at once. And that would probably never happen.

  Moms

  Moms are one of the ninjas’ arch enemies. They always try
to make ninjas clean up messes no matter how messy they are. Moms have screaming power and level nine spanking, which makes them pretty lethal. But ninjas have level forty-five spanking defense. So moms are pretty useless against ninjas, which is a good thing. Nevertheless, if a ninja is winning against a mom, the mom can send a mammogram to other moms in the neighborhood for backup.

  Fairies

  All fairies want to do is sprinkle magic sauce on you to make you fly. AND THAT’S BULLCRAP!

  Knights

  Knights are pretty charming and polite, which may cause jealousy and anger in the ninja, making him react in strange ways, like accidentally slapping a cousin in the mouth because he got a home run and you’re too fat to get to first base. But if a ninja realizes that sometimes other people are better than them at certain things, they’ll be able to beat a knight’s ass correctly.

  Baby-sitters

  There’s no doubt that a ninja would beat a baby-sitter’s ass real bad, but baby-sitters are super weird. This, I know. Because I’m not allowed over to Mark’s house anymore and Mom went back to work to “get the fuck away from me,” Mom got me a baby-sitter named John. He’s pretty cool. He gets me and Francine beef jerky and he listens to my ninja stories, but he’s really into Ancient Greek culture I guess—playing video games and wearing diapers and stuff. One time, he bent over to pick up a cup of water, and I saw a diaper under his pants. I asked, “What the heck is that?” That’s how he expresses himself, he told me. Then he told me a story about this one day last year when he showed up at a day care wearing a diaper and a note that said, “I’m retarded. Please change my diaper.” The day care took the note at face value and started to change him, but they called the police when they took the diaper off and saw an erection. Now he can’t get a real job except for baby-sitting.

  Teachers

  These people are bitches or assholes. A teacher would be like, “Yo, stop talking and do your work.” And WHAM! A ninja would cut their mouth off so fast they wouldn’t hear it coming. Oh man, that would be great. I’d pay a billion bucks to see stuff like that on TV Homework? Yeah, right! How about a mouth full of ninja stars?

  In conclusion, a ninja could kill anybody, if23 they24 really25 wanted26 to.27

  Some Nice Things: A Nice Poem

  Some nice hippos share.

  Everybody likes them.

  They like everybody.

  They live in a clean house

  With nice carpet.

  And none of them scream

  Or hurt people.

  But guess what ...

  This one kid starts talking a bunch of crap about the hippos,

  like they don’t have brains and they eat chicken vomit and stuff

  like that, which is BULLCRAP because the hippos weren’t

  doing anything. They were just hanging out and THAT’S ALL.

  But,

  The hippos don’t flip out and kill him.

  The hippos begin to share

  And be nice,

  Which is pretty mature.28

  But guess what...

  The same kid thinks the hippos are a bunch of wimps,

  because they don’t do anything. So he starts speaking even

  more crap, which is disgusting. And everybody in the

  neighborhood starts to think that the hippos REALLY ARE

  little diaper babies without brains.

  But,

  The hippos don’t care.

  They know they’re special.

  And no kid can take that away.

  So, in a nice way,

  The hippos beat the kid’s ass.

  Their arms turn into knives

  And they cut his hair and head off.

  Nobody ever messed with them again,

  Because they were nice

  And they29 shared.30

  PART II

  The REAL History of Ninjas

  Two women claimed to be the mother of the same kid. So the king said, “Since you’re both the mom, I’ll rip him into two strips.” The women happily agreed. So the king walked over to the kid who said, “Give it to me. I’m crazy.” But then, the king looked toward heaven and realized that this kid was AWESOME. So he took him as a pupil and together, they beat the crap out of both moms.

  —Ancient Chinese Fable

  SECTION OVERVIEW

  History began with the ninja and will end with the ninja in a humongous explosion with arms and legs laying in the street and melted trees and everybody will be like, “Holy CRAP!” and the ninjas will be like, “We told you,” and then Jesus will be like, “You guys should have listened,” and buildings and planets will explode, and a bunch of ninjas will just be hanging out, chilling. But before that, ninjas did a bunch of stuff—so here it is, in31 recorded32 form.33

  Time Line of Ninja History

  (Through Time and Space)

  8,000,000,000,000 B.C. First Ninja ever.

  Day One Ninjas start flying and the whole world craps its pants.

  6,500,000,000,000 B.C. Ninjas discover flipping out and, thus, God gives them dominion over everything Totally Sweet.

  3,000 B.C. Ninjas invent magic spells for invisibility, sticking to walls, and bio-slime.

  0 Three wise ninjas bring baby Jesus ninja stars, a guitar, and a hot babe.

  200 A.D. Some ninja discovers America by popping a boner so long that it actually touches a beach in Hawaii. Apparently, they kept some sand from the incident inside a tube in some Chinese country. This is where the term “tube steak” comes from.

  440 A.D. Two ninjas kill an entire squadron of pirates and don’t even think twice about it.

  600 A.D. For some old queen’s birthday, sixty thousand ninjas wail on their guitars and kill a country.

  1253 A.D. Ninjas stop an illegal shipment of camel toe across the Sahara.

  1500 A.D. Ninjas start appearing in Japan, hard.

  1945 A.D. A ninja kills an entire class of eighth graders because some kid had to mouth off.

  1986 A.D. A ninja breaks world records all over the planet when he porks five hundred hot babes at once.

  1997 A.D. One time, my cousins came over. They were chasing each other around in the living room and ran out of the house without closing the door. Dad went nuts and started screaming “CLOSE THE . . .” and I thought, Cool, my relatives are going to see how crazy my dad is. But no. He turned his yelling into a song as he sang the word, “DOOOROOOOOROOOOOOORRRRR!” Everybody loved it. Even my aunts. If they weren’t there, it would have been different. People would have suffered.

  1998 A.D. A teacher or somebody elected me to go and represent the school in the Olympics. It was the one time people were really nice to me. Everybody cheered for me, which is probably why I won all the contests! I won the running and jumping and basketball and other stuff. It was probably the best day of my life, except I couldn’t understand much of what the other contestants said and their eyes were so far apart—which was weird, but in a comfortable way. Then I had to go home, and Dad took away all my trophies, ‘cause he said they were an embarrassment. According to HIM, I’m not allowed back. It’s like when I do something good, it’s bad. And when I do something bad, that’s bad, too!

  1999 A.D. A ninja stops evil businessmen from demolishing a nursing home by popping a six-foot boner for charity.

  2000 A.D. I was telling this ninja story to Mom while she was sleeping because that’s the only time she’ll listen, and I got pumped and slobbered on her blanket, and she sat up and walked upstairs AND GOT ME A DOG THE NEXT DAY! My dog’s name is Francine. I love her. Since dog brains aren’t that

  big—maybe the size of a potato chip—I’m not sure they can do uppercuts or spin-kicks, but I know they can French.

  2001 A.D. One time me and Dad were eating with my aunt and cousins. And when my cousin reached for the ketchup, he accidentally hit a tall glass of orange pop and it spilled all over my crotch. I was wearing white jeans. Everybody in the entire restaurant started laughing their asses off, but nobo
dy laughed louder than my dad. He laughed so hard his face turned purple. I didn’t say anything, though. I just sat there and, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t finish my meal. But later, when I got home, John showed me how to hide a ninja star in a diaper. So it turned out to be a pretty sweet day.

  2002 A.D. Ninjas help free China from Tibet and bunch of crabby monks.

  2003 A.D. I got my first job. My neighbor pays me to chase him when he doesn’t feel like jogging that hard. He says it helps him keep in shape, but I just like it when he starts to slow down and I get to scratch his face.

  2004 A.D. This is when I went to camp for a month. It was only supposed to be a week, but Mom never came34 to35 pick36 me37 up.38

  History of Holidays

  Did You Know?

  For the last couple weeks, Mom’s been putting salt licks in the back yard to attract deer. Every couple days, the salt is basically gone. She thinks the deer are going crazy back there, but it’s just me and Francine eating it after everybody goes to bed.