Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

The holidays are the one time that large groups of people come together in the same room, and a ninja can kill them all at once. A ninja could make a Christmas tree out of razor blades, and you know the rest of the story. Here are a few historical accounts of how ninjas changed the way regular people think about Halloween, Easter, and Christmas.

  Halloween

  Wolves are screaming all over the place, and the moon is going nuts. Something’s going to happen, but nobody knows what. Kids are running around the alleys wearing stuff like costumes and monster masks. Then a couple of them reach this old house. It’s huge. Inside the house, there’s this really old guy yelling at himself in the mirror. (He’s a maniac.) Outside, the kids look at each other, smile, and knock on the door. Candy. The old guy puts on a shirt to cover up the scar on his sweaty chest. Then he stomps to the kitchen and grabs a bowl of chocolates. The door slides open and the kids see the candy, and it looks so good. But when some kid reaches out to take a piece, the old guy grabs his wrist and the kid looks up and BOOM, the old guy slaps him in the mouth. But the kid doesn’t take his eye off the chocolates. The old guy then drops a tiny piece of chocolate in the bag, and little bit of drool falls out of the boy’s mouth. The next kid walks up, and she gets hit, too! But the kids keep coming back, because they need that candy. And the old guy keeps smacking the kids, even though he isn’t their dad. But out of nowhere, this huge mystery kid dressed in pure black appears at the door. He’s awesome. Everybody turns around, because he washes his clothes in pure cologne. Then it’s his turn and when the old guy grabs HIS wrist, the mystery kid pulls his wrist back, hard. The old guy starts freaking out. “What the heck?” he whispers to himself in slow-mo. Then the guy steps outside his house and tries to grab the mystery kid’s wrist again and the kid whips his hand right back and slams it in his pocket. The other kids see what’s happening. So they bum rush the crazy maniac and start biting him all over, except his crotch, and they stuff handfuls of candy in his throat, so no one can hear his blood-gargle. Then it’s over. The kids stay in the house all year, redecorating it and making it into a badass fort with secret passages and everything. As for the kid in black, he went back to trick-or-treating because he wasn’t even close to being done.

  Easter

  It was Easter eve, and there’s this kid who is so excited about tomorrow’s egg hunt. But his mom says to him, “When you go to bed, stay there, because if the Easter bunny is hiding the eggs and he sees you downstairs, he’ll scratch your eyes out. Just stay up there, because he’s still an animal, and he can’t ever change.” Then the kid skips dessert and books upstairs. He goes straight to bed—no problem. But later that night, it gets real dark and foggy, and then there’s a rumbling downstairs. Some plates break. The kid covers his entire body with a blanket, and he almost can’t breathe. Then, there is a scratching at the door, and the kid blacks out for like five seconds. He busts out of bed and pushes his dresser against the door and throws towels over the windows. The claws keep scratching and scratching at the door, and the kid stuffs the corner of his pillow into his mouth and screams. But then it stops. And when the kid wakes up, it’s daytime and he opens up his door and looks around. And there, on the door, is a little tiny scratch mark, like something a rabbit would do.

  Christmas

  Alright, the scene opens up with snow everywhere. There’s yelling in the background, but the audience won’t know what’s going on. Then Santa jumps out of the snow and just starts screaming at the elves. And they scream right back. There will then be some mumbling. Apparently, there’s fog and nobody can get their presents or anything, and kids’ hearts are getting all twisted up because they need those fucking toys so bad, even if they had a lot already and there are some kids who don’t have any, or at least any cool ones, ‘cause their parents are assholes or something. But regardless of everything, there’s hope. And that hope is in the shape of a real live ninja. But there is trouble, too. And that trouble is in the shape of a bunch of reindeer in leather jackets. The ninja tries to help out with the lights, but everybody is like, “Get out of here!” And they keep picking and picking and picking on the ninja until he can’t take it anymore. So he grabs one deer by the fur and they stare at each other about ten seconds. Then the ninja kicks the reindeer’s legs and hooves. The other deer start crying, which makes the ninja kick even harder, so hard that blood dribbles out the deer’s nose. When he finishes, nobody says a word, and they don’t pick on the ninja anymore that day. Then the ninja suggests that everybody wait for the fog to clear and then deliver the presents. And guess what? It works. Santa is captivated. The ninja saves Christmas, and he finds meaning in his life. And to all the elves and reindeer, Santa says, “I don’t know why, but somehow someway, everyone needs a ninja in their life.” And that’s basically why the reindeer stop talking crap—they were scared. And, in39 the40 end,41 sometimes42 that’s43 just44 what45 has46 to47 happen.48

  The Future (According to Ninjas)

  Did You Know?

  Ninja means “me crapping me pantalons” in Canadian.

  Ninjas can see into the future. That’s why ninjas are so good at fighting. They know when someone is about to punch them, so they can jump out of the way. Sometimes it’s like slow-motion to them, and other times it’s like a day-dream, but cooler. Here are some predictions of the future written by ninjas:

  Bedtimes will be outlawed and hot babes will be in-lawed (but in a good way).

  School will consist only of lunchtime, recess, and going home.

  Toys will be free—mainly the cool ones. But stupid toys can still cost money, I don’t care.

  Ideals and absolute truth will be replaced by a real nice ass beating.

  Ambulances will have bunk beds in case a buddy wants to come along.

  Bunk beds will have bunk beds.

  Vegetables will be made out of ice cream.

  Boobs will be legal on TV and in public. They don’t have to be huge though, but they do have to be boobs.

  So-called best friends won’t just like you when they feel like it.

  “No” will be replaced with “maybe.” And “maybe” will be replaced with “probably.”

  You’ll be able to have sex in a video game, and you49 won’t50 have51 to52 be53 an54 adult55 this56 time.57

  A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call

  Whiskers: Meow

  Ninja: Hello.

  Whiskers:

  Ninja: Hello. . . . Anyone there?

  Whiskers: Meow.

  Ninja: I thought you left. Are we still on for Thursday?

  Whiskers: Meow.

  Ninja: Are you sure?

  Whiskers:

  Ninja: Well, whatever. Just be there.

  A Shakespearian Play: The Choice

  Throughout history, famous musicians wrote songs about ninjas and famous writers wrote movies about them. Even fancy people, like Shakespeare, were into ninjas. Here’s one of his last plays before everybody started liking him:

  The Choice

  ENTER MC MC INTO LIVING ROOM

  Mc Mc: I am alone and, alas, I am lonely.

  ENTER NINJA THROUGH WINDOW

  Ninja: Fair Sir! I heard your pleas! And I’ve come to help and hang out.

  Mc Mc: I can’t believe it.

  Ninja: Believe.

  Mc Mc: O.K.

  Ninja: So what’s your problem?

  Mc Mc: Everybody hates me.

  Ninja: What! That’s bull crap. I don’t hate you.

  Mc Mc: Are you joking or serious?

  Ninja: Serious. Why would I hang out with you in this scene if I didn’t like you?

  Mc Mc: Good point.

  Ninja: Thank you. Now listen. If you believe in something Totally Sweet, like ninjas or something else, then you will never ever be lonely again.

  Mc Mc: But why is this so, mon ami?

  Ninja: If your happiness depends on buddies and they vanish, then so will your happiness, which sucks.

  Mc Mc: But why do buddies run away?

&
nbsp; Ninja: Humans are very scared animals. They’re scared of what people will think about them when they lose themselves in something Totally Sweet.

  Mc Mc: It’s like when you get pumped, people get mad at you.

  Ninja: No joke. It’s so stupid. But I and my kind will always understand you, and you will understand us. And we will be together hanging out, hard, until the end of space and time, and after that, who cares?

  Mc58 Mc:59 Yeah,60 who cares?

  The End

  A Ninja’s Letter to Santa

  Santa lives on the coldest place on Earth—Antarctica, because he’s doesn’t give a crap. I respect that. His house is full of robots and military equipment in case somebody gets the stupid idea of breaking in. Below is a ninja’s letter to Santa:

  Dear Santa,

  I know I haven’t been very good. In fact, some might even call me naughty, because of the killing and stabbing. But I think you might be the only one who understands me. I remember once when I was a young boy, I sat on your lap at the mall. (Do you remember me?) Well, you asked me what I wanted, and no one ever said that before. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything. But now, I thought I could ask you for this one thing ... I want you to beat up some people for me: Rick and Charlotte Hamburger. I can’t do it, because I’m busy you know, cutting off heads and stuff. But I know you can do it—I feel it all through my body. Besides, these people haven’t celebrated your birth in OVER TEN YEARS. And when I ask them about your holiness, they say you think I’m annoying or obnoxious. But I know that’s not true. You know me. I only ask for this one thing. Beat them. Beat them till you fall asleep. Make it your hobby, I don’t care. But remember this—I know what you’re capable of, and I know we both want this. Anyways, just let me know about your answer. You can circle either yes or no and send this back to me. But don’t take tooooooooo long.

  YES NO

  O.K.! See ya later!

  Your servant/friend,

  A REAL Ninja

  Santa’s Reply

  Santa

  Manager

  Christmas Town, Antarctica

  Dear Ninja,

  I regret to inform you that I cannot fulfill your request to beat up Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger. The applicant pool for ass-beatings this year has been very large, and there were only a few openings available. Furthermore, I might add that Rick and Charlotte are beautiful people/parents. In fact, some even believe Charlotte is an angel—she bakes! And Rick, well he’s a saint. He would never hurt anyone without just cause. So, I must conclude, I will not beat up Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger. I love them.

  Second, I would like to take some time to tell YOU the real truth about ninjas. Ninjas don’t flip out and kill people. They are courteous and don’t get all wound up on sugary treats and yell or cause trouble or embarrass their parents. They respect bedtimes and other people. Their purpose is to serve parents, because of their loving nature. Essentially, they should go unnoticed until they can pay their own bills and61 buy62 their63 own64 food.65

  Santa66

  Plato’s Allegory of the Hole, Probably by Plato

  SMARTICUS

  Bonjour, amigo!

  FAGOMONIUS

  Yo, bonjour.

  SMARTICUS

  Did you know humans live in a big hole?

  FAGOMONIUS

  What!

  SMARTICUS

  Yup. Light gets in through the top and everybody in the hole is trapped.

  FAGOMONIUS

  Wow! No crap!

  SMARTICUS

  Vertas, my friend. Very vertas. And these people think that getting pumped is just about going to a movie or playing basketball once in a while.

  FAGOMONIUS

  Isn’t it?

  SMARTICUS

  No way! These people are deceived by sit-coms. And they aren’t allowed to turn their heads away from the TV, ’cause they’ll get slapped in the mouth. But most importantly, they aren’t able to look out and see the ninjas standing above, trying to help them.

  FAGOMONIUS

  Who are these ninjas?

  SMARTICUS

  I will tell you.

  FAGOMONIUS

  O.K.

  SMARTICUS

  Ninjas are the human form of being pumped up. And they hold ropes for the regular people to climb out. Only when somebody escapes, they can understand REAL Ultimate Power.

  FAGOMONIUS

  Has anyone made it out?

  SMARTICUS

  A few. But when they go back to teach the others, they are poo-pooed. Nobody listens and they are beaten.

  FAGOMONIUS

  That’s so immature.

  SMARTICUS

  Si.

  The67 End68

  Famous Ninjas in History

  Did You Know?

  Mom said that if I didn’t return my videos to the video store on time, then a motorcycle gang would come to my house and beat the crap out of me. I believe her. But she also said that if I didn’t wear my dress pants to school on picture day, she’d uppercut me. I didn’t believe her, but I should have.

  One time Mom, Dad, and I drove to my aunt’s house for Easter. And after a while, my bladder was like, “Yo!” Mom was like, “Too bad. Should have said something before we left.” I was O.K. for a little while, but as soon as I couldn’t hold it any longer, Mom said, “Fifteen minutes and we’re there. So shut up.” I saw my eyes pass before my life and everything sucked. Muscles began to shake, my legs, everything. All that was holding back the pee were these little muscles and that’s it. Imagine holding up a basketball over your head for over an hour. You couldn’t do it. I thought about peeing in the car and taking whatever they gave me. But as soon as we pulled in my aunt’s driveway, I busted out of the car and ran toward the pond and let loose. Later, when Dad was spanking me, I realized that most of life was BULLCRAP. I knew right then that need was a four-letter word. “I need a new bike.” “I need to go to the mall.” Yeah, right! Everything became completely clear and sweet. I made a choice to learn all about ninjas and teach others the way of REAL Ultimate Power. Everything else was69 for70 stupid71 babies.72 Here is how73 some74 real75 ninjas76 started77 their78 journeys79 toward80 Total81 Sweetness:82

  Quak

  This ninja grew up on a farm with horses and cows and chickens. Everyday he had to feed them, even though he didn’t care about them at all. But early one morning, his parents awoke to find all the animals in a huge pile, burning. Quak didn’t want to feed them anymore. That’s when his parents knew that he was special.

  Yugo

  Alright, when people talk about stealth, they’re usually talking about this guy. He was so sneaky nobody ever knew he was there. So ... there’s really not much to say about him.

  Francis

  A mother and daughter were sprinkling bread on the beach, and pigeons were flopping around all over the place. They loved each other and the pigeons knew it. But behind them, off in the distance, stood a young boy watching and screaming, because their relationship was so beautiful. When mommy and baby left, squeezing each other’s hands so tight, the kid walked over to the stupid, stupid pigeons. They looked up at him and thought he had dessert but, nope, he picked up two of them and scurried over to a pipe that was spewing tar onto the beach. “I love you,” he said to each pigeon as he stuffed them into the pipe, which made the pipe gurgle and squirt. “You’re going home,” he whispered. He then looked around and saw a bunch of people watching him, and he realized right then that he couldn’t go back to the simple carefree life of school and bubbles. He would never be forgiven and would eventually suffer. And, with everything he did from then on, he left behind more and more of his former self, removing anything human from his character, until there was nothing left except one completely awesome ninja.

  Tony

  Tony lived in a suburb. He was captain of the basketball team and the soccer team—and his parents loved every minute of it. He was only a simple kid, but he had every type of toy a person could want. And when his mom too
k him shopping before Christmas, he would get EVERYTHING. She’d drag him around the store and push his head right into a shelf full of toys and make him nod his head toward his next present. He had all those badass toys and was sure to get more as long he did what he was supposed to. But one day, Tony came to school without his homework finished. And the teacher was like, “What happened?” And he was like, “My pencil broke,” and he started walking away. But then the teacher said, “Why didn’t you use a pen?” Then Tony turned around and said, “I didn’t want to.” And the teacher didn’t say shit for the rest of the year. After that, he turned in all his homework late, then with spots on it, and eventually just the spots. Soon, making the bed became a complete joke and his parents started freaking out. They tried to get him to come back by giving him more toys, but Tony didn’t speak that language anymore. When people saw him, they were scared. He was an animal. He no longer gave a crap.