Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Frank

  One time, there were these abandoned fields that were full of ghosts. Nobody ever wanted to go through them, because they knew they would be killed. But one day, these two boys from another village decided to walk through, because of their stupidity. When the townspeople saw them go in, they were like, “Morons.” And they were. They kept walking and walking and walking and nothing happened, except when they came to this gigantic hill. There, they saw a dog sitting on top of the hill. But the dog wasn’t a normal dog. (I think you know what it was.) They kept walking toward the dog, and it didn’t move or say anything. And pretty soon they were standing right over it, but the dog still didn’t move. But when the boys looked down, they didn’t see paws. They saw human hands! And the kids started shaking, hard. The dog stood up on its two back hands and strangled the slowest boy. And then the dog yelled to the other boy to stop running because he had a message for the others and the boy ran back. Then the dog was like, “Tell the others that ...” and the dog started to strangle the other boy, too! When the boys’ parents heard about it, they almost died of heart attacks. And their neighbors were depressed for over a week. It was the saddest day in the community, but not the saddest day for the dog. He didn’t even care, because that damn dog was a ninja!

  A Ninjas Makes a Telephone Call

  Guy: Hello.

  Ninja: Do you want milk?

  Guy: Excuse me?

  Ninja: Is that it, little baby? Does the little baby want some milk, ’cause he’s thirsty? Whah! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

  Guy: I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Why are you talking to me this way?

  Ninja: Oh, the little baby can’t understand simple words like milk. What a dumb baby! You want milk so bad, but you’re just too little and too dumb to do anything about it. Roll over in your baby bed and cry, you baby.

  Guy: O.K., well, I’ll be going now.

  Ninja: Bye-bye, you stupid, stupid, baby! Whaaaaaaaaaaah!

  The Classifieds

  In case you sometimes wake up at night and start to worry whether ninjas realllllly exist, go back to sleep. ’Cause there’s a ninja out there right now who cares about you, or at least cares about killing you (which is something, I guess). Don’t believe me? Then look at these classified ads in a fancy newspaper:

  • Single mother of three boys seeking man for husband purposes. Needs to be old and must be willing to put up with extreme stupidity.

  • Baby-sitter wanted. No experience needed, must be willing to put up with a kid who acts retarded and can’t shut his mouth. Will take anybody. Please contact as soon as possible. Hurry.

  • Ninja seeking pupil/son/buddy. Just wants to hang out with a kid who’s cool and doesn’t give a crap. Will promise to always be there, no matter what.

  • Mad scientist seeking awesome boy to give him powers cooler than just about anything. WARNING: This is not a joke. So only apply if you really mean it. Peace out!

  • Friend in need. Looking for somebody who will always pick up the phone, even if they’re tired or crabby. Doesn’t have to be good at anything or cool. Just has to be able to get a ride over here or can pick me up. That’s all.

  • Kidnapper seeking kid who is willing to move in as early as this month. Must like huge amounts of toys and must be able to sleep in really late. All applicants must be very good at83 video84 games,85 otherwise86 don’t87 bother.88

  The History of Yoga

  Did You Know?

  Once there was this ninja who was hired by a fancy art museum to make some fancy art. They paid him over a billion bucks to do something with the garden. So the ninja took a simple hose and threw it in the middle and everybody was like, “Genius.” And the ninja was like, “Yeah, and... ?” Everybody was like, “... and AWESOME!” But later that night, when everybody went to bed, the gardeners didn’t understand and rolled up the hose and put it in the closet with the other gardening equipment.

  After World War II, martial arts were banned everywhere in Japan. They wanted everybody to calm down after the war. But after a while, Japanese people started to think that ninjas were pointless, which seems crazy, but it happened and it was wrong. Many gave up the ninja suit and sword in exchange for the business suit and wok. Idiots. But there were a few who practiced the art of ninjas even if they weren’t allowed to take karate. These are the ones who had to be ninjas because nothing else made sense. But instead of training with karate, they used yoga. Yoga got started in Shaolin Temples. Originally, they had over eighteen moves. But that was too complicated so they shrunk it down to one move—the splits.

  Before it got popular, yoga was a HUGE secret among monks. The monks taught yoga to their neighbors to defend themselves from thieves who robbed and hit them. Nobody was allowed to have weapons back then either, because the government said so. So the thieves were basically able to steal anything they wanted, no problem. The whole thing was pretty ridiculous, but fortunately yoga helped the monks when everything else failed. They found safety and comfort in the stretched hug of yoga’s legs and everything became a little bit manageable. So they were able to fend off their enemies till one day, a real ninja would come89 and90 take91 them92 away.93

  Historical Letters from a Ninja Pupil

  Every so often, a ninja kidnaps a kid and trains him and everything. They get to learn about ninjas and can do basically anything they want. Below is a collection of letters from the luckiest kid I’ve ever heard of:

  JARED PLYMPTON

  Classification: Non-Family Abduction

  Missing: 04/26/03

  From: Lake Orion, MI

  Sex/Race: Male/White

  DOB: 03/21/95

  Eyes: Blue

  Hair: Blonde

  Height: 4’ 8”

  Weight: 140 lbs

  Identifying Marks: Front teeth protrude slightly, small scar under right eye from showing off with scissors during his younger brother’s birthday party.

  Jewelry: n/a

  Last Seen Wearing: Red coat, green plaid shirt, and green jeans.

  Evidence

  Dear Mom and Dad,

  Hey! Just wanted to let you know I’m O.K. A ninja takes care of me now. Can you believe it? He’s pretty cool. I get my own room here and I don’t have to share it with a brother or anything. Now that’s pretty cool. He says you guys are mad at me, because I left a pen in my pocket and screwed up an entire load of wash. Is that true? He said that you guys don’t ever want to see me again. I thought that was a little immature on your part, but sometimes I guess that’s just the way things go. Oh, and guess what—I don’t have to go to school here either. And I get to play video games all day! I play right when I get up and the ninja watches me from his recliner. I like it here. I don’t have to make my bed or ANYTHING. Cool.

  Bye!

  Jar

  Dear Parents,

  Hi. Just telling you I’m still doing good, though I don’t really get to go outside much here. I don’t like that part, but I guess I can’t complain because he takes me to his brother’s place and I get to run around his trailer that’s out in some field. He says it’s for my own good, which makes sense. We eat spaghetti every night, which is AWESOME. Remember when I’d ask you to cook spaghetti, Mom, and you’d be like, “Nah, Dad doesn’t like it.” Well, I like it, and I get to eat it here all the time—so tell everybody.

  Bye,

  Jar

  Dear Jane and Marvin,

  I changed my name now. He said I have to, because I’m a different person now and I have to give something up to start my new life. Sorry, but I’m not supposed to tell you the new one, though. I’m getting a little sick of spaghetti. And the video games aren’t that much fun anymore. Oh, remember when Dad ate a whole pizza at once that one time! That was crazy! And remember when we made that snowball fort, and I wanted to live out there for the rest of the winter, and you were like, “No way, Jose!” I was so mad at first, but now I understand. O.K., gotta go.

  Bye,

 
Can’t-tell-you

  Dear Parents,

  The ninja drove me to his brother’s on Sunday again. I got to play with a dog for a few minutes. That dog barks so much! And there’s a HIGHWAY near the trailer and I hear a RIVER to the EAST, but I’m not sure. And when I we drive home, I sometimes see AIRPLANES in the sky. Big ones, like the kind that would land at AIRPORTS. And if we ever meet again, I will never ever ask you to make spaghetti and I’ll replace the clothes I messed up. All of them. Just give me another chance.

  See ya later (please)!

  Jar

  Some kids are so frigg’n lucky. I HATE IT! If a ninja kidnapped me, I wouldn’t write home or anything. I don’t know what that kid’s problem is. There’s no way anybody could think that ninjas aren’t sweet.94

  The Most Controversial Case EVER

  Want to really know why ninjas are so sweet? There is this court case where a bunch of ninjas get sued by the United States of America for purging about how sweet they are. This one kid knew the judge somehow and was able to get the transcripts and everything. When I read this, I crapped my pants twice. It’s awesome. Hopefully you won’t/will crap your pants, too.

  THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

  VS.

  A BUNCH OF NINJAS

  A bunch of ninjas are sitting around a table totally pissed while some idiot judge is yelling at them for hours. They are about to be sued for trillions of dollars for purging about how sweet they are. But out of nowhere, this badass motorcycle explodes through the window. The lawyer riding it is wearing all black and is looking pretty sweet. Smoke is everywhere and everybody is screaming (except the ninjas, of course). The lawyer is like, “Everybody, chill.” And the judge is like, “Order in my court!” but his hair is sticking straight up and he is now wearing dark shades. The lawyer says, “I have come to defend these TOTALLY SWEET ninjas right here.” The judge is like, “Yo, wait, that has yet to be decided.” And the lawyer is like, “Oh yeah?” And the judge is like, “Yeah.” And the lawyer is like, “Let’s ROCK!”

  The Case for the Total Sweetness of Ninjas

  Judge: Hereye, hereye!

  Mr. Smooth Black: Good afternoon your honor and fellow jury members. Mr. Smooth Black for the representation of all ninjas worldwide.

  Judge: What’s your problem?

  Mr. Smooth Black: Well, your honor, my best friends here have been accused of a bunch of BULLCRAP!

  Judge: Order in the court right now, or I’ll file you content. So chill, asshole!

  Mr. Smooth Black: Maybe you’re the real asshole. I bet you don’t know anything about Total Sweetness.

  Judge: Well, guess what?

  Mr. Smooth Black: What?

  [HUGE pause]

  Judge: Maybe YOU don’t know anything about Total Sweetness.

  Mr. Smooth Black: YEAH RIGHT! Why don’t you shut your skinny mouth and let me tell you why, item by item, these ninjas are the sweetest guys ever.

  Item 1: Ninjas kill people.

  Item 2: Ninjas don’t give a crap.

  Item 3: Ninjas flip out hard.

  Item 4: Ninjas can kill people, not give a crap, and flip out hard, at the same time.

  Item 5: Ninjas don’t even know what “bedtime” means.

  Item 6: Ninjas don’t need to go to school to learn a bunch of crap that they will never use. They only need to learn “cut” and “head” and that’s it.

  Item 7: Ninjas will not feel obligated to buy some shoes after having been assisted by a shoe salesman for over thirty minutes.

  Item 8: Ninjas won’t talk crap about you if they don’t know anything about you.

  Item 9: Ninjas will not buy a bunch of crap they don’t need just because it’s half off.

  Item 10: A ninja will never break your heart—that is, metaphorically speaking.

  Item 11: If a ninja babe owes you a blow job, you will never have to be in the awkward position of asking for it.

  Item 12: A ninja will never cop a ’tude with his homies.

  Item 13: A niinja will not lie to your face about some shit when you know the truth about that shit and the shit’s obvious and it’s obvious you know the shit.

  Item 14: A ninja won’t require that you make your bed when EVERYBODY knows that it will be messy later that night.

  Item 15: A ninja won’t make you do something in a less efficient manner just because “he’s the boss” and “it is how it’s always been done.”

  Item 16: If they want, ninjas can eat ice cream and tacos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and nobody is going to give a crap.

  Item 17: Ninjas are fabulous dancers.

  After the lawyer said all that stuff, the judge jumped on his desk and started wailing on a guitar. Everybody went nuts and started partying hard. The case was thrown out that very second and, apparently, the ninjas and judge still hang out every95 once96 in97 a98 while.99

  Inteermission

  (Snack Break/Mini-Pump)

  Now it’s time to take a short little break from the regular hustle and bustle of homework and dogs and stuff, and reflect on your life AND get pumped up. The following script is about a ninja accepting his past and killing people.

  Tear Drop

  The scene opens with a car slamming down the street. Sparks and smoke are flying everywhere and the wheels are covered with blood. (This will give the audience a clue to who’s driving it.) The camera will spin around the car and look right at its license plate which says “Death.” This will foreshadow what’s gonna happen to some idiot-cry-babies later. As the car speeds down the street, flames are coming out of the pipes and people are so scared—they can’t protect themselves, and they are little wimps. Fortunately for nobody, the driver is a ninja. And he’s slamming the gas so hard his foot busts the frigg’n floor out of the car, which bounces off the street and hits a family right in the face. Headlines of the family’s death and stupidity will be on newspapers flying toward the camera for suspense. As the car rips out chunks of the street, a poor little orphan is standing on some garbage for height and puts his thumb up to “hitchhike.” The ninja sees the poor baby, just standing there like a frigg’n wimp-jerk. And the ninja stops the car, smirks, bites the kid’s thumb off, and puts it in a plastic bag in the back seat. Several people see the travesty and start running from the road. They’ll be running like retards to make the audience laugh even harder. Then the ninja sees the orphanage where the kid came from. He’s pissed. The place is so full of little dummies that the walls are bending. The camera will watch from behind as the ninja’s car smashes and explodes right toward the flimsy building. But out of nowhere, the ninja SLAMS on the breaks. And a little baby boy crawls right in front of the car. That’s when the ninja will remember his past. Then the ninja approaches the baby, lifts him up, and stuffs him in his mouth like a crazy bird. As the baby goes down his throat, the audience will feel uncomfortable, but they will later hear the ninja screaming, and it’s actually the baby inside and then they’ll laugh! As the ninja drives right into the orphanage, while screaming with a tiny baby voice, the camera will zoom right into the ninja’s eye to see a little tear drop. Then the orphanage EXPLODES, and the orphans fly toward the camera, completely smothering it.

  The End

  That’s enough, I’m100 soaked.101

  PART III

  Ninjas Everyday

  A poor peasant man bumped into a lady getting water from a well. They talked and hung out. The peasant loved the woman so much, but she didn’t even care. And HE DID EVERYTHING FOR HER. Before the peasant left for the city, he asked the poor woman to join him. The woman was like, “Nope.” Then the peasant began to walk away, but he stopped, thought for a moment, then turned around and scratched her eyes out.

  —Ancient Chinese Fable

  SECTION OVERVIEW

  Many people think that ninjas don’t exist because they never see them. But ninjas are everywhere. Like this one time a ninja was hiding in my aunt’s salad, and she didn’t even know it. And another time, this old lady wa
s peeling an orange and thought it was regular fruit. But no. Sparks started coming out of the peel and it exploded. Her face was covered with juice and she kept yelling for help, but nobody wanted to deal with her at that moment.

  In this section, I am going to teach you how to relate to ninjas in your daily life by showing you how to spot one, how to decipher their desires, and how they affect people like me. Plus, we’re going to get a little more personal and talk about their fantasies and fears so we can relate to them on even deeper levels. I’m going to show you that ninjas are similar to regular people, and that just about anybody could be one.

  Personally, I haven’t actually seen a ninja, but one time, Francine and I went to find one in our neighborhood. We woke up super early and Francine was so tired that I had to sprinkle water on her eyes to get her to sit up. After getting dressed, we slid down the stairs and spread our legs and arms to avoid making any squeaking noises commonly associated with feet. Then we squeezed through the dog door and I got all covered with fur, which helped me blend into nature. We looked for the first clue, but for the first five minutes I wanted to give up sooooo bad, because no one was even outside yet. But we didn’t. (That’s called passion, if you didn’t already know). We walked down the street until we saw a couple of candy wrappers. I thought we were getting closer. Then we looked inside Mr. Felt’s window. He and his wife were getting up for work and everything. I guess Mr. Felt couldn’t find his glasses. He flipped over the mattress and started screaming at his wife, which made Francine nauseous. He kept pointing at her and she just stood there, nodding her head. Francine and I were so scared, but we stayed and watched anyway. Even though we didn’t find any ninjas that day, they are no joke—ninjas are out there and they’re making a difference.