Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  In my opinion, children do not need afterschool clubs before the age of 6, and thereafter I recommend no more than two afterschool clubs in a week. Free time is golden.

  Create space

  I woke up one morning and realised just how many toys we had in the house. Then I started asking parents at workshops how many toys they have. Even counting similar toys as one (one box of dressing up clothes, one box of building blocks, etc.), the average was eighty! It’s like the number of friends people have on Facebook! However, those with two hundred friends are only in weekly contact with about eight of them. The same is true for toys. Children need just a few – three or four – quality toys for their entertainment and development. Things like building blocks, arts and crafts materials, puzzles and pretending games. Although it might seem counter intuitive, children play more when they have less toys!!

  Every now and again, have a toy clear-out: give them away, sell them, place them in storage for younger children – just make more space and time for play.

  Take a step back

  You watch your daughter from a close distance in the playground, climbing really well up a rope, but she stops at the highest level. She calls you ‘Mum, help me. I’m stuck.’ What’s your instinct? What do you do? Do you rush to rescue her? If this happens, go to her – but wait before giving advice. Talk about her achievement so far and ask her what she thinks she can do to reach the top.

  ‘Hey! You climbed so high! You have lots of courage. How do you think you can climb to the top from there?’

  Your presence and encouragement will most likely spur her to go on. And the bonus is that when she starts nursery or school, she will already have the inner confidence to solve her own problems!

  The benefits of boredom

  Children who know how to be ‘bored’ have a brilliant ability to transform something with no significance into something amazing, to relax themselves after a busy day, to find a new area for learning and enjoyment, or to wait patiently for something more exciting. Genius comes from boring moments! If you, the parents. don’t allow yourself moments of calmness and relaxed joyfulness, you will find it challenging to provide moments like that to your children. Let your children have enough time to do nothing. They are developing their minds and motivations. As Tiger Woods (one of the most successful golfers of all times) once said:

  ‘Don’t force your children into sports. I never was. To this day, my dad has never asked me to go play golf. I ask him. It’s the child’s desire to play that matters, not the parent’s desire to have the child play. Fun. Keep it fun.’

  Playing equals learning

  You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.

  - Polish proverb

  For children under the age of six, playing is learning. Sadly, advertisers play on your anxiety by stressing how crucial their products toys and learning aids are to children’s development. You are told that your children should be reading and writing at an early age, or that they well be more intelligent if they listen or watch DVDs containing classical music. However, this is far from true. It’s actually the opposite! This educational approach places undue pressure on parents and children, creating anxiety and stress all round. So keep the stress out of your relationships! Play with your children, and let them play by themselves – it truly is the most effective and productive way for them to learn.

  Be where you are

  To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today

  - Unknown source

  You’re at work, thinking about your child, wishing you could be with him or her. You’re with your child, thinking about what to make for dinner. You’re making dinner, thinking about an erotic night with your partner. You’re in bed with your partner, having sex, and thinking about work!! Do you get the picture? Whatever you do – be present!

  Bring play to chores

  Parents are always busy with all the ‘stuff’ that needs to be done at home. But did you know that your children would be delighted to help out? You just need to change the way they see tasks – not as chores but opportunities to play. They also allow you to strengthen the bonds with your children. So if the toys need tidying up, try these games:

  Put a song onto play and play the game of ‘putting everything in place before it ends’.

  Name a colour, and see who can put the most things of that colour back in their place.

  Write down numbers on pieces of paper and put them face down. Pick one up, and that’s the number of toys to put in their place. This is great for children who are learning numbers.

  This might require some PR on your behalf to market boring work as something exciting, but these things need to be done, and this can be a superb option.

  Be the base

  If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent

  - Bette Davis

  These days, parents want to be their children’s best friend. But our job is to say ‘No’ to the most enjoyable things they want to do: picking their noses, touching their poo, touching their intimate parts in front of others, sucking their thumbs, playing with dirt, making lots of noise, or just relaxing and unwinding! You want to be their friend, but they do not need more friends. They need available and reliable parents. So act like one! Whether you want to avoid conflict, or feel guilty for not being present in your children’s lives, or believe it’s not your job, it’s not in your best interests to not guide your children about appropriate ways of behaving. Instead, lead your family to a ‘safe base’ by setting healthy boundaries and being the adult in the relationship.

  “Stop” and “Go”

  Do you find it difficult when you’re out and about with your children and they run away and don’t listen when you call them to stop? You can teach them how to listen to your instructions by practising this as a game, next time you are out in a safe place with them:

  Tell them that when you say ‘Run!’ they need to run. When you say ‘Stop!’ they need to stop.

  Start by saying ‘Run!’ or ‘Go!’, then say ‘Stop!’ after a five-second gap.

  Then try to confuse them by saying ‘Run! Stop!’ in the same second, or ‘Run! Run!’ or ‘Stop! Stop!’ to see if they react to what they expect or actually hear.

  Have fun by reversing roles sometimes, so that they get to give the instructions.

  Children love this game and it’s a great opportunity to get the message across that when you say ‘Stop!’ you expect them to stop. If you play this game enough, it becomes an automatic response.

  Build a happy playground

  While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about

  - Angela Schwindt

  One of the most important tips I can give for better parenting is to be a better partner. Your ‘couple relationship’ is the playground in which your children are growing. When the emotional climate of your family is positive and healthy, it creates a solid sense of safety and promotes a confident way of being.

  Cherish and thrive in your couple relationship. Make enough time and space among the day-to-day routine to have fun with your partner, and to build and strengthen your relationship. Ask yourself:

  When was the last time you had fun together?

  When was the last time you surprised each other?

  When was the last time you enjoyed an intimate connection with each other?

  When was the last time you had lunch together without children?

  When was the last time you shared an adventure together?Bring the spark back to your relationship, if not for yourself, then for your children.

  PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

  Positive parenting is about being an effective educator. It’s about understanding and believing that the actions you take with your children today will create the adults they’ll become.

 
; Positive parents know that in every communication (or lack of) there is a message for their children. These can be negative messages about themselves (I can’t go to sleep by myself, therefore I’m not capable … I’m not listening, therefore I’m a bad person), or about you (Mum’s unfair … Dad doesn’t care … I can’t tell my parents how I feel), or about being in a relationship (relationships are painful), but you can use their early, valuable years to teach them positive messages about liking who they are, about feeling connected to you, and about a healthy couple relationship.

  Being a positive and connected parent provides the foundation for everything you wish to experience with and for your children. When you speak in a positive way, your children feel positive and connected, and so they act in a positive way with you and others. Using positive words creates a positive self-image for them, and when they feel good about themselves they are more like to cooperate, to express how they feel in words (rather than acting out with behaviour), and to be kind to others.

  It is challenging for parents who are raised amid negativity, and it is challenging when your children challenge you – but it is within your control. The effect of what you do will spread like a stone creating ripples in water. By thinking creatively about what and how you communicate with your child, you will find many alternatives to the words ‘No’ … ‘Not’ … ‘Why’ … ‘But’.

  Many parents say that what made them want to make changes was realising how often they said these negative words! It’s a good starting point. I suggest coming up with three other ways to communicate messages in a positive way – and write them down!

  The more you think about and practise them, the more accessible they will be in times of need.

  Yet it’s inevitable that you will experience some challenges when it comes to raising children.

  Part Two of this book addresses exactly that.

  INTRODUCTION TO PART TWO

  Having tried some of the tips in the earlier chapter, you may have noticed a difference in the atmosphere at home. You may also have experienced improvements in your children’s behaviour during the day. But it’s inevitable that you’ll come up against major challenges. Parents face tantrums, sadness, difficult boundary-setting and difficult-to-please children. Children can lie, say ‘No’ to everything, refuse to go to sleep, and challenge your authority. However, they are doing exactly what is normal at different stages in their psychological development, and such challenges are necessary for their growth and your own!

  Now you will learn to ‘re-image’ your children as young people simply acting for their own development – not against you! You will find out how to avoid escalating situations, how to react consciously, and connect in a way that will help your child self-regulate their feelings, and help you set boundaries in a calm and healthy way. At Imago, we believe that many (if not all) cases of misbehaviour arise when children feel disconnected to their significant caregiver. They act out some longing or need –the need to feel loved, to feel capable, or for boundaries and differentiation (I’m not you and that’s okay) – which can be viewed as misbehaving. Usually they are longing for connection. Maintaining connection during conflicting situations is vital for helping them overcome challenges, to self-regulate their emotions, to let go and to move on.

  Whatever the challenge is, you can increase your understanding of what your children are trying to tell you through their behaviour – and why it is so triggering for you. This will help you transform any challenge into an opportunity for connection and growth, to move from being reactive to your child’s behaviour to being consciously connected.

  Looking back is the first step forward

  Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending

  - Maria Robinson

  We all bring our own baggage to parenthood. By baggage, I mean what comes from the specific family culture we were raised in. We were all raised in a unique family culture in which some emotions were more tolerated than others. In some families, showing anger was not an option (You’re not really upset … There’s nothing to be upset about). In other families, showing vulnerability was interpreted as a weakness and level of neediness that was not appreciated or tolerated (You cry like a baby … Come on, you’re a big boy … Big boys don’t cry). In others, being smart or opinionated was treated in shaming ways (You think you’re so smart, don’t you?). Which feelings were not accepted in your family?

  Intrusion vs neglect parenting

  We may also have had parents who, when responding to our feelings, were either too intrusive or were neglectful. Intrusive parents are those who are over-involved, who smother, mind-read and have invasive behaviours. They may have reacted over-emotionally, becoming upset or hysterical as a result of your behaviour, leading to punishments, blame, criticism or shaming.

  At the other end of the scale are neglectful parents. They tend to be under-involved, detached, disinterested and they avoid connection. They may send their children away and minimise their children’s feelings (I’ll give you something to cry about … You don’t have any reason to be upset … Not now – I’m busy), and become depressed and so on. Intrusive or neglectful parenting behaviours can take place to varying degrees in different families, yet none of these approaches creates safety for – or increases connection with – the child.

  Just how many of us were raised by adults who were present, connected and helpful when we were upset, angry or afraid? How many of us have had the benefit of a ‘model’ parent or adult to show us how to consciously react to a child with challenging behaviour?

  So, as children, we may have experienced hurt and pain as a consequence of our parents’ behaviour. And as a result, we often develop defence mechanisms against their ineffective parenting. For more on this, see Giving The Love That Heals by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. We may have lost touch with any of our emotions that were downplayed or forbidden – or we may deny that they exist. Some of us feel negatively about how we were parented, yet find ourselves acting in similar ways.

  Our own children’s ‘issues’ or ‘problems’ often touch on our personal history – our baggage – and challenge various defence mechanisms we may have developed. For example, a parent who as a child was praised for doing things by himself by an under-involved parent might have an adult defence mechanism that manifests as a need for space and independence. Having a child who is ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ might challenge that way of being. The parenting model that these parents bring to the present is not about connection, so a new way to connect when they feel challenged is necessary not only for their children, but for their own growth and development as well.

  Saying that, maintaining a connection with our children when we are triggered, tired, anxious or stressed is a skill that can take a lifetime to master.

  The perfection gap: fantasy meets reality

  While growing up, we may have fantasised about the perfect parents we would be. We may have dreamed about being like the parents from a happy movie we saw, or like our friends’ ‘cool’ parents, or other relatives we adored. We picked up all the positive things we wanted to pass on, and many of us swore that we would never be like our own parents. But most of us also had the fantasy and expectation that our children would be kind, considerate, able to play by themselves, good at sharing and patient, capable of regulating their emotions (even though they wouldn’t need to do so, because their life would be so happy with us as their parents!). Their teachers would love them. They would be independent – and a pleasure to be with. Life would be all sweetness and honey!

  Then we become parents. We experience the weight of responsibility, the infinite and repetitive day-to-day tasks of caring for our children and running a household while working. We may experience a sense of being underappreciated and taken for granted, and worn out by the endless ‘fire-fighting’ involved.

  There is usually a huge gap be
tween the fantasy and the reality. It is in this context that our children evoke some of our deepest family-of-origin issues. Their behaviours can be especially challenging when they contrast with our own family culture. If, as an adult, you show no anger because you learned that anger is not acceptable (and possibly shut down the feeling of being angry altogether) you may be particularly challenged by an angry child, who doesn’t mind expressing it loud and clear! If you were shamed for being sensitive, you might find it difficult to deal with a sensitive, vulnerable child. If exploring the world around you was not permitted by an anxious, over-involved parent, you might be challenged by your child’s exploration at a stage where their developmental task is to explore the world around them.

  The root of your challenge

  Taking it all together, when you find yourself being especially challenged by a specific behaviour (whether it’s neediness, crying, stubbornness, sensitivity, loudness or controlling tactics) it might be because:

  You’ve lost, repressed or shut down a feeling or behaviour, because from early on you understood it was not acceptable and spent many years (unconsciously) hiding it, so it is no longer in your awareness. If you now find yourself with a very demanding, loud, and challenging child, it might be because you were not allowed a ‘voice’ in your own family.