Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  You have a particular feeling or behaviour, and express it – but you hate it. You are aware of it and you consciously want to overcome it. For example, you may be over-critical of your children, and see how damaging it is, but don’t know how to stop it.

  You have a feeling or behaviour that you express, but it is not in your awareness. In other words, you deny it. It relates to all the things that your friends and family (especially your partner) tell you about yourself, to which you say ‘That’s not true. I don’t act like that!’The point is that many parents react to their children without knowing they bring their own baggage to the present. They think it is all about the specific child and locate the problem in the child. And because of our unconscious sensitivities, we might react in a way that creates a negative spiral – not only escalating the situation, but creating disconnection that can generate even greater problems than the initial one. Through awareness of our selves, our children, and the relationship between us, we can choose to react with intention in challenging situations.

  Part Two of this book will help you transform any challenge into an opportunity for connection and growth, to move from being reactive to your child’s behaviour to being consciously and intentionally connected. You may experience challenges which, while they might not seem so at the time, can be the best things that happen to your family. It’s often because a problem presents itself that parents start to think about what’s going on in their child’s mind. The following chapters will help you understand what your child is trying to communicate to you through their behaviour, and what growth that challenge offers you. Among the many tips offered, you will find out how to react to a frustrated child, to tantrums and feelings of sadness, to deal with difficult-to-please children and how to set boundaries in a calm and healthy way. You will learn that by modelling your own capacity for flexible thinking, you can help develop your child’s.

  Practicing the tips and experiencing the results will increase your confidence in your parenting style, which will result in a more relaxed, and satisfying connection between you and your child. However (as I’ve said many times through this book), changing the way we parent when we are not in challenging situations is the key to success for coping with any issue that arises.

  All the suggestions are based on extensive research and experience about improving parent–child relationships, but they do not attempt to replace the therapeutic process or parental consultations. If you find situations to be too challenging, please seek professional support.

  CHAPTER 10:

  PARENTING VISIONS FOR CHALLENGING TIMES

  The children who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.

  - Unknown source

  You can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better.

  - Pam Leo

  It’s easier to be a positive parent when everyone gets along, but how can you keep your values in mind when you’re being challenged? The following tips are designed to help you turn your family vision into reality and bring more fun, joy and confidence to your parenting experience, by guiding you to react in a connected and intentional way to difficult situations with you children.

  Walk the walk

  Be great in act, as you have been in thought

  —William Shakespeare

  You love your children, and this feeling is important. Very important. But actions are even more important! In many cases, it doesn’t matter how you feel – what matters is what you do! Many parents tell me how much they love their children but find themselves screaming at them, ‘losing it’, getting angry with them. You may struggle to regulate your own feelings of anger and think that it doesn’t matter if you often explode in front of your children – as long as they know you love them. Think again! As I said, it’s not how you feel – it’s how you act. When you scream at your children, they hate your scream, and at that moment they probably hate you. So everyone feels bad.

  If you feel love, then take responsibly and act in loving ways. When you take all the negativity out of the equation, the real problem (if there is one) will be much clearer and easier to address. You’re probably asking yourself ‘How will I know if I’ve done it effectively?’ Well, if you deal with a challenge and still feel good about yourself afterwards, that’s a sure sign that you did it effectively.

  Let your ‘better part’ speak and act lovingly towards your loved ones.

  Build from a strong core

  Write down answers to these questions, where the emphasis is on the word ‘most’:

  What is the most important thing about you as a person?

  What is the most important thing about you as a parent?The latter is not always obvious, so keep asking yourself ‘Why is that important to me?’ until you identify the most important thing. The concepts here are inspired by the well-known therapists Pat Love and Steven Stosny who wrote How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. They talk about core values – you have identified your own by answering the questions above. They said:

  ‘Every time you violate your core values – even if you are just reacting to your child – you feel guilty.’

  Simply put, if your core value is to be a loving and calm parent and you lose it and shout at your child, then you will feel guilty. The gap between your values and actions creates guilt. You can maintain your core values and avoid this gap. One of the ways to keep doing this is to slow down. Breathe. Think.

  For starters, think about whether the way you react in certain situations with your children is in-line with your core values. What do you think your child thinks is the most important thing about you as a parent or a person today? How can you bring your beliefs and core values to your actions and how can you implement them today?

  Make the magic come alive

  Make a list about how you would like your children to feel when they are around you. Do they actually feel that way around you? If yes, that’s great! Continue doing what you are already doing. But if not, what can you do that will make your child feel that way in your presence? Today is the day to start doing it!

  Whether you want your children to feel positive, relaxed, secure, safe, appreciated, loved or anything else, you can make it happen. It is one of the keys for a fulfilled relationship to make our children feel good about themselves when they’re around us.

  So, today, make a point of appreciating your children, reassure them, notice them, acknowledge their perspectives and needs, listen more than be heard, and relax – and see the magic happen!!

  Own your lake

  Do you know the story about the fisherman who always fished at the same corner of the same lake, using the same technique and the same bait – and caught the same fish all the time. He couldn’t understand why. In this analogy, the fish are our partners and children. We find it easy to analyse them, but really it is about you – the fisherman.

  Ask yourself: Are you trying to make changes in your children’s behaviour? Are you doing it by criticising, shaming, blaming, punishing or just being negative towards them? I have yet to meet parents who, through punishment, blame and negativity raised an independent, confident and cooperative child. These kind of fishermen have to learn to change their location around the lake; to get some new fishing skills. In other words, take on their responsibilities.

  Your task for this weekend is to try to let go of all negativity and focus on the positive things your close ones bring into your life. Tell your children how lucky you are to have them in your life. Use your resources (family, friends and community) to learn new skills and put them into practice – and find a different corner in your lake.

  Wear rose-tinted glasses

  You may find your children struggling with something that concerns you. Maybe you wish they had more friends? Or that they would be more responsible? Maybe you’d like them to be more open to new ideas or have more determination?


  Try this:

  Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and see your child in your imagination as you want them to be in twenty years time. Really imagine them successfully handling the concerns you envisaged above. These are your rose-tinted glasses.

  Open your eyes and see (imagine) your children like that now. When you look at them, speak with or react to them, put on your rose-tinted glasses and interact as if they have that quality! You want them to be more responsible? Give them small responsibilities, talk to them as someone who is responsible, and expect them to act responsibly.

  You won’t believe how much positive change you can create by changing the way you connect with your children in this way.

  See struggle as a good thing

  ‘What do you want to happen now?’ I asked Angela, the mother of a six-year-old boy with challenging behaviour. ‘I just want him to be happy,’ she said in desperation. She further expressed that she was afraid of repeating her parents’ mistakes and wanted an ideal and ‘normal’ family. She found it very challenging to contain her son’s frustration, so she did everything she could to prevent it happening in the first place – even if that meant speaking on his behalf in conflicts with his friends, bringing his ball back in the park if he didn’t want to fetch it, helping with his homework, getting him dressed, and more besides. This boy was the centre of the family. His needs and wants were more important than those of his parents or anyone around him. It was my job to tell her that if his happiness remained her focus, he was likely to become miserable, frustrated and bitter.

  Some parents have the following attitude about their children: ‘You don’t need to make an effort – mummy/daddy are here to save you’. This is a dangerous message to give out. These parents behave like slaves and create a spoiled and unhappy child. Why? Because some level of frustration and effort are essential to child development. Healthy frustration and conflict resolution are the foundations for problem solving, creativity, and a sense of pride. They are qualities that are now, and in the years to come, the basis of happy moments.

  Parents must be able to physically or emotionally contain a frustrated child. What needs to be done is to slow down on the interventions. Wait. Observe. Give children an opportunity to find their own way to moments that they finds pleasurable and satisfying.

  See the amazing!

  Our brains are wired to notice negative stuff about ourselves, our partners and our children. But what do children need? Your children say:

  ‘Look at me! See how amazing I am. Even if I wet the bed at night, or can’t sleep easily, or find it challenging to control my anger or excel at school – look at me! I also have a positive side. Love me. Don’t do things I can do myself. Give me the tools and skills to achieve them.’

  See the amazing. And when you are challenged by your children, speak to the amazing! Then you can hold the positive images of them at a time when they least show it. We can help them to see themselves in a different and a positive way, which invites the possibility for acting appropriately. Speak to the amazing child.

  Choose children – not screens

  Screens on iPhones, TVs, computers, iPads ... These are the cancer of relationships. They quickly destroy healthy parts. Don’t cooperate with the cancer. This analogy may seem extreme, but consider this: when someone is engaged with a screen, they are avoiding relationships. And there are consequences to avoiding connection.

  There are record numbers of children and adults experiencing depression, more divorced and ‘emotionally divorced’ couples (they are still together but only as room-mates), and sex and intimacy between couples are at an all-time low!

  So, be present with your loved ones. You can decide how long to be present for. With your children, it might be twenty minutes a day, an hour or two a day, or one day at the weekend. Whatever you choose, do it without interference from screen time. Turn off all screens and just be present. Think about the message your children get when you’re playing with them and your phone rings. You don’t pick up and they think you didn’t hear it, and tell you someone called. And you answer:

  ‘I can’t take that call now. I’m busy with a very important person!’

  It is in your control. Choose relationships!

  When you look back

  Kevin Heath wisely said that as your children grow they may forget what you said, but they won’t forget how you made them feel. I ask parents of grown-up children: ‘If you would do it all again, what would you change in the way you parented?’. This quote from Diane Loomans, an author and speaker on parenting, summarises all their answers:

  ‘If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d fingerpaint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging.’

  If I meet you thirty years from now, what would you say you wish you had done differently?

  Whatever it is, begin it today.

  Point toward progress

  I found that I must continue to remind myself that this is not about perfection, but rather about progress in the right direction. If I am less reactive and more consciously connected, then I am on the right path and headed in the right direction!

  - Marcia Ferstenfeld

  Parents these days expect far too much from themselves, which (consciously or unconsciously) manifests itself in high expectations of our children.

  By reminding ourselves that parenthood is not about perfection, but about progress in the right direction, we can reduce some of the pressure that our own expectations place on our children.

  CHAPTER 11:

  SELF-DISCLOSURE TIME

  To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

  - Josh Billings

  God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

  - Unknown source

  Feelings as clues

  In my consultation sessions, I ask parents: ‘If I freeze the clock in the most triggered moments you have with your child, how would you feel?’ In response, they use single words to describe their feelings. Feelings never start with ‘I feel that she —’. Instead, they are just one word, like ‘angry’.

  What do you feel in your challenging moments? Is it anger? If so, what’s underneath that anger? Anger is often a secondary emotion, with something deeper underneath.

  Name and write down at least three of your one-word feelings (e.g. disappointed, sad, frustrated, tired, furious, scared, out-of-control, helpless, desperate). Why is this important? Because many times children unconsciously communicate how they feel by creating those feelings in us.

  Now ask yourself whether this could be how you child feels? And if so, why? This information can help you bring more empathy to the challenging moments.

  Letting go

  Sometimes parents have the best intentions for their children, yet come across as being very controlling.

  Do you speak over your child?

  Do you correct, advise or criticise them often?This is tiring for you, and it is not effective for your children. It’s time to let go. If you feel stressed, it can mean you are ‘holding on’ too much. Imagine yourself slowly relaxing your attitude, in a way that allows you to show more trust in your children. This means staying calm when things don’t happen as you want, or expect them to. It means saying to yourself ‘It is what it is and that’s okay.’ It means receiving what doesn’t work with a thank you. It also means relaxing your expectations.

  Your past in the present

  If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ours
elves

  - Carl Jung

  What lingers from the parent’s individual past, unresolved or incomplete, often becomes part of her or his irrational parenting

  —Virginia Satir

  ‘He’s not an achiever. He doesn’t like to study and doesn’t make any effort. What can I do?’ asked one mother privately after my Growing Motivation lecture. I guessed that she was a high achiever and asked how she became that way. She said she admired and learned from her father, a very successful businessman. ‘And your mother?’ I asked. ‘Mum was weak. An underachiever,’ she said softly. After a moment of silence, she said, ‘I always knew I didn’t want to be like mum.’ No wonder she’s worried about her child’s achievements!

  We bring our own insecurities from our past to the present. When you feel very strongly about something, ask yourself: ‘Where does this feeling come from?’ A parent who is extremely anxious to force his way told me how it felt to be raised with a controlling father. Another told me he overreacts to his child throwing food, then explained that he was raised in poverty. The more strongly you feel about something, the more likely that your child will, unconsciously, react to that. Understand where this issue is coming from – it’s a good start for the change to come.

  Share the real you

  ‘But I don’t like playing with dolls, and that’s what my daughter loves to do!’ said Sophia in a parenting class. ‘Who said that you need to?’ I asked. Yes, it is nice (and effective) to enter your child’s inner world by joining them in their favourite activities, but it’s just as important for you to be genuinely interested, enjoying the moment and the time you spend together. Why not bring your child into your inner world too?