Cupcake Love

by Diana Currie

  I was excited to know everything that had happened in Pittsgrove while I was away and knew Ally was the person to ask. Also, I wanted to get her mind off Elise’s depression by taking her to King of Prussia Mall to shop. I wanted to just spend time at our old stomping grounds. It never occurred to me that Ally might be a little more excited at Jack’s homecoming than mine. When I called her the day after Christmas she promised we’d do all the fun things I’d envisioned, but for now she needed to be alone with her boyfriend. I told her I completely understood, which of course I did not, never having had a boyfriend of my own.

  Ally invited me to the New Year’s Eve party her parents were throwing. She said Elise wanted to have the whole gang over. I graciously accepted. A party meant I’d need something fancy to wear so I enlisted Jessa’s help. We drove to the nearest mall and took our time trying on different outfits. It was a tedious process for me, but Jessa enjoyed every minute of it.

  She told me about the guys she’d met at CU and how much fun she was having. She was learning how to surf from the cute California boys. I had to admit she had a great tan. She asked me about my love life and so as not to seem completely dull I mentioned Aiden. When I told her he lived only an hour north of us she offered to go visit him with me. I insisted that I could wait until spring semester to see him again, which was nothing but the truth. I thought about Aiden every once in a while, and a part of me was hoping that I would surprise myself and miss him over the break. I looked forward to seeing him again in the spring but I definitely didn’t need it to be sooner than that.

  On New Year’s Eve Andrea and Jessa met at my house and we drove over to the Decker’s together. I’d talked to Shane a few times since Christmas but he was preoccupied with his mom and spending quality time with her and Colin. I was looking forward to seeing him for sure. I noticed Jack’s car parked outside the house so I pulled my old truck up next to it. Rachel had come with him and they were sitting in the living room with Ally when we walked in.

  Elise had outdone herself with food and decorations. I gave her a hug and thanked her for having all of us over. “I brought cupcakes for everyone,” I said handing her the tray in my hands. I’d made vanilla cake batter using her recipe, whipped up some homemade silver icing, and scrawled the date across the top of each one.

  She smiled brightly and said, “How thoughtful, Hannah! They’re so festive too!” She placed the tray down on the dining room table and took one cupcake in her hands. “Do me a favor and take this upstairs to my son. See if you can drag him down from his room.”

  “He’s hiding again, huh?” I replied with a smirk.

  “Maybe you can pull him out of his shell,” she said and then had to go answer the door for more party guests.

  I felt a chill run down my spine as I thought about Shane in his room and hurried myself up the stairs to find him. He was sitting at his piano and looked to be in the middle of composing a song.

  “Knock, knock,” I said letting myself into his room. It looked exactly the same as it always has and I felt a brief moment of déjà vu being there.

  “Hey, you,” he smiled, swirling around on the stool to look at me.

  I showed him the cupcake and his eyes widened with interest. Shane loved it when I baked. “For you... if you come downstairs,” I tempted wiggling my eyebrows.

  “You know my weakness,” he teased.

  “What are you doing, writing a song?” I asked walking over to him.

  “Yeah. It just kind of came to me. I’m going to give it to my mom before I go back to UD,” he said.

  “Shane, that’s beautiful,” I replied. I suddenly wanted to attack him with kisses.

  “Thanks,” he said, running his hand through his messy hair. “My mom’s starting to feel better. I wanted to give her something to remind her she’s loved.”

  I couldn’t think of anything to say that did start out with, “you’re loved too,” so I just bit my lip and stared. Shane chuckled nervously at his own emotional outpouring and said, “It’s just good to be home, you know?”

  “I don’t really feel at home here,” I replied. “I’ve only lived in my dad’s house for four years. It’s not where I grew up so to me it isn’t really home. My dad has been great all through high school, but being in his house is kind of like renting a room.”

  “You feel more at home in Baltimore?” he asked. I shook my head.

  “Baltimore is an empty house since my mom is usually working. If I went back there right now there’d be no one to greet me,” I said somberly. “I guess I don’t really feel like I have a home the way all kids are supposed to.”

  He said, “I’ve lived in Pittsgrove less time than you and I feel at home here. I guess wherever Ally and my parents are, that’s home to me.”

  I smiled and nodded. It was a nice perspective to have. “So don’t worry about having a home, Hannah,” he added. “Rachel, Ethan, and I are your home.”

  I’m sure I blushed. I tried to ignore what he said for now. I’d repeat it over and over in my head later, but for now I had to shake it off. “Elise wanted me to come up here and drag you back to the party,” I said, getting back to the task at hand. “Just like old times.”

  “Oh, alright,” he said teasingly. “But I’m only coming down because you made my favorite dessert.”

  “Whatever the reason,” I said, laughing under my breath.

  I spent some time catching up with Mark and some of Ally’s classmates. Mark said he was learning everything there is to know about the automobile repair business, but I figured he felt a little left out with all the college talk we all were doing. Before I knew it Ryan Seacrest was counting down to midnight. Ethan snuck up behind Rachel hoping to kiss her at the stroke of twelve. I saw that all around me boys and girls had paired up waiting for their cue to kiss. Andrea and Steve, Jessa and Mark, Ally and Jack. Even Colin had nuzzled up to Elise.

  I was counting heads to see who was left for Shane to kiss when I felt him brush up against my arm. I knew it was him simply because there was no one else it could be. I momentarily resented the fact that he had approached me in the last seconds before the ball dropped. It was like being picked last in gym all over again.

  Everyone started counting down, “5… 4… 3… 2… 1…Happy New Year!” they cheered.

  Frozen with fear, I was studying Ryan Seacrest as he wished America a very happy new year when I felt Shane tug on my arm. Everyone around us was kissing. I felt like I was in the middle of an orgy. Shane’s long finger brushed against my chin and tilted my head up until I was looking into his eyes.

  He laughed softly at my expression. “I don’t want us to get left out of the celebration,” he reasoned.

  I’d stopped breathing seconds earlier but somehow I managed to whisper, “okay.”

  He tried to hold back his chuckle but was still grinning when he leaned down and placed a soft chaste kiss on my lips. I continued holding my breath and felt as though I’d pass out from the lack of oxygen or maybe the adrenaline coursing through my veins. His lips were soft and warm, just as I’d imagined. The feeling of having him so close sent my emotions spiraling out of control. Then as quickly as it began it was over.

  He pulled away and everyone went back to talking and enjoying the party as if nothing incredible had just happened right there in the Decker’s living room. Shane was still smiling at me when we heard Ethan calling him over to talk with Jack and Tommy. When Shane turned his attention to the guys I ducked out of the room and sprinted to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I smiled at myself in the mirror, memorizing the feel of Shane's lips on mine. Then as I came down from the euphoria of the moment my eyes filled with tears. I sobbed silently thinking about how I'd finally gotten a piece of what I desired most, simultaneously reminding myself that to Shane it had only been a kiss to celebrate the New Year.

  I did my best to avoid Shane for the duration of the party. I only spoke to him again to say goodnight when Jessa and Andrea were ready to leave. O
n the ride home Jessa complained about Mark kissing her, how he didn't seem to understand that she didn't want to date him, and how he never got the hint that she wasn't interested in him that way. I couldn't help thinking how much I was like Mark; playing the part of the good friend, always waiting in the wings for something to change.

  Andrea and I made plans to get together the next day. I dropped the girls off and headed home. It was two am by the time I reached my bedroom in my dad's house and I crashed on my bed without even changing clothes. I didn't care I hadn't washed my face or brushed my teeth. When I woke in the morning I tried not to think about Shane but it was a lost cause. I hoped he hadn't noticed the distance I put between us after the kiss. I hadn’t wanted to avoid him but I was worried he’d be able to decipher the pain in my expression. I wasn’t a very good liar, especially with someone who knew me as well as Shane.

  In the morning I made my father breakfast and cleaned up the house. Without me being around every day the housekeeping was severely lacking. Sometime after lunch Andrea stopped by as planned. She was armed with romantic comedies and junk food. We hung out in the living room for a while, watching movies and talking about school. Andrea told me how she and Steve still talked occasionally and emailed, but agreed to live their own lives. She was attending Columbia while Steve was at the local community college. I asked her how they managed an open relationship without getting jealous or hurt.

  “We care about each other, but we both recognize that we’re young and have so many opportunities available to us. I didn't want to spend my whole college experience committed to someone long distance. We both agreed that if we're meant to be then we'll find our way back to each other,” she explained.

  “You're so mature, Andrea. I don't understand how the thought of Steve dating someone else doesn't drive you insane,” I said.

  “To be completely honest, I still don't like the idea of Steve dating other girls. When I left in August, we didn't really want to break up, but we weren't madly in love either. It just made the most sense to make our relationship more casual.”

  “As long as it works for you,” I agreed.

  Dad came home from work as we were finishing the second movie. He said hello and went right for the refrigerator.

  Andrea lowered her voice slightly and said, “So Hannah, I saw Shane kiss you last night. What's going on with you guys?”

  My eyes widened and I looked into the kitchen. My father was busying himself with the leftovers from lunch. I grabbed Andrea's hand and pulled her toward the staircase. She followed me upstairs to my room and I swiftly shut the door behind us.

  “Wow, this must be good,” she said grinning. Andrea wasn't typically one for gossip, but she'd been dealing with my Shane drama for years now. After the emotional strain from the night before I was desperate to talk to someone who understood how monumental that kiss was to me.

  “Nothing’s happening, Andy. That's the problem,” I vented. “Last night was just a New Year’s Eve kiss, nothing more. It was amazing, and hurt like Hell at the same time. I really have no idea what to do anymore.”

  “If you two aren't together then why did he kiss you?” she asked confused.

  “He said it was because everyone else was paired up and he didn't want us to be left out.”

  “Um, Hannah? Why didn't he just kiss your cheek then?” she asked.

  “Beats me! All I know is that he's been dating one girl after another at UD and he treats me like his sister,” I fumed. “You should have seen the way he reacted to Aiden.”

  “Hold the phone,” Andrea exclaimed. “Who's Aiden?” she asked with a suspicious grin.

  I sighed. “He's a guy from one of my classes. I invited him out with all of us one night and he met me there with his friends. Then he walked me home, and I knew he had, like, a crush on me or whatever, but I didn't really feel the same way. Anyhow, he walked me home and kissed me goodnight. And I liked it. I liked him. But then I went into my house and Shane was sleeping on the sofa and my mind got all jumbled up.”

  “So what did Shane do when he found out?” Andrea asked.

  “He pretended to be asleep when I came inside, but started questioning me the next morning. He said he wanted to protect me from getting hurt, like he would do for Ally,” I huffed.

  “So did you see Aiden again?”

  “Well, yeah in class twice a week. I kind of avoided hanging out with him again. He's cute and everything... it's just-”

  “He's not Shane,” she finished for me. I nodded and flopped back on my bed. I was pathetic.

  “If you want my advice, Hannah, you need to either make a move on him, flirt with him or something, or just call this Aiden guy the second you get back to school and see where it goes with him. You've waited long enough for Shane.”

  I felt defeated, like I'd lost a battle I'd been fighting for three years. But Andrea was right. I was only causing myself more pain. Of course, saying you'll do something and getting your heart to comply is tricky business.

  *~*

  I spent the next week catching up with my father. He took me fishing in the freezing cold weather, and out to dinner a few times. My mother drove up to see me the second week of January which was a little tense seeing her together with my father for the first time in years but the awkwardness was worth the reward. Despite our issues I loved my mom and missed her more than I liked to admit. She looked good and I could see that she was happy. Her visit turned out to be the highlight of my winter break, other than the New Year’s kiss obviously.

  I did get to see Ally a few times, when Jack was forced to spend family time with his parents and Rachel. We went shopping in Philly and Cherry Hill and she helped me pick out some spring clothes to take back to UD. I specifically asked her to pick out a few items I could wear on dates and that turned out to be a big mistake. She hounded me for at least an hour before I finally told her about Aiden. I hadn't planned on giving Shane's sister any details about Aiden, knowing she wasn't the best at keeping secrets, but once she cornered me I thought it really couldn't hurt if the information did make its way back to Shane. Maybe he'd finally start feeling jealous. Ha!

  Once Ally finally ran out of questions about Aiden I was able to ask her about Jack. “How’s the long distance relationship going?” I wondered.

  “It really is as difficult as everyone said it would be, Hannah.”

  “Three thousand miles is a long way,” I agreed.

  “I’m sending my applications to Stanford, Temple, LaSalle, and UD. No, put that down. Orange is not your color.”

  I released the offending dress from my fingers. She surprised me by saying she was applying to UD in addition to her Philadelphia and California options. I thought there was nothing that could keep her from joining Jack. I wondered if Elise's condition had anything to do with it, but Ally never brought it up so I had to play dumb.

  “You’d really consider staying here with Jack on the west coast?” I asked.

  “Yes. I never considered going far from home for college until Jack left. And I miss you guys so much too. I’m really torn as to what to do.” She handed me a deep blue blouse and winked.

  “Ally, I know you have a big decision to make as far as schools go, but I want you to know that if you decide on UD there’s a bedroom waiting for you in our house.”

  She smiled wide and gave me a hug. “Thank you, Hannah. I was hoping you’d say that!”

  CHAPTER 5: MOVING FORWARD

  The weeks passed quickly and before I knew it the month was over. I only talked to Shane a few times in January. It was mostly text messages and a few short phone calls but it seemed like things between us were the same as ever. Rachel was itching to get back to Delaware so I agreed to leave a few days earlier than planned. As we set out on the hour drive to Newark I realized I was excited to get back there too. I still hadn't hatched a plan to deal with my feelings for Shane, but I had new determination to move forward with my life. In what direction I wasn’t sure, but I couldn't
help but wonder what surprises were in store for me this semester.

  It was the last week of January and the students were beginning to filter back into campus. Rachel and I arrived a week before classes started and we spent the entire time lounging around the house watching television and talking. It was a great way to prepare for the stresses of another semester. Ethan and Shane returned the weekend before the official start to the semester. Although Ethan had become good friends with his roommate from the fall, he agreed to rescue Shane from his nightmare situation with Dante, and so they were living together this semester. They were assigned to the Chestnut dorm, which is where Shane had lived with Dante. Ethan had plans to rush a fraternity this semester so their time together might be limited but Shane didn’t seem to mind being left with a room to himself.

  When the spring semester began I had two classes with Shane. I couldn't believe we'd never compared schedules after selecting our classes but there he was on the first day of European Lit, walking through the door like a male model, spiky hair and all, smiling at me with a relieved expression on his face.

  “Hello, miss. Do you mind if I sit next to you?” he said jokingly.

  “Why, no sir. Please do,” I responded.

  “How did I not know we had a class together, Hanny?” he asked.

  “I have no idea. You have the rest of your schedule with you?”

  He nodded and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his notebook. I compared it to mine and laughed. “Looks like we also have Early American Poetry on Tuesday nights.”

  “Oh, thank God. You can nudge me every time I start to fall asleep,” he said.

  “Don't even think about slacking off just because I'm going to be there with you! I'm not going to do any of your work just because you hate poetry,” I said teasingly.

  He started to respond when the teacher walked in and introduced himself. I could hardly pay attention to our new professor explaining the syllabus and introducing the course material. All I could think about was the anticipation of our first homework assignment to be announced. If I were lucky this middle aged man with a moustache would give us some pages to read on our first day. I hoped Shane’s difficulty with poetry would lead to an increased number of study sessions in his room like we had in the fall with Modern Lit. I missed that quiet, private time I spent with Shane when we were studying together. It was seriously unhealthy, but for those few hours I could pretend he was mine.