It Was Always You

by Asrai Devin

  She looked at his legs, wanting to move closer so they were touching. She took a deep breath. But she decided her attention was best on the movie.

  As time wore on she sagged into the sofa and toward him. He put his arm around her but he was tense. She hit the mute button. “Does it bother you?”

  “What?” His voice rumbled from his chest.

  “When I cuddle up to you. I know I did it when I was a kid, but I grew up. But at home…”

  “It’s fine.”

  Fine? She pushed herself up.

  He pulled her back down. “We are grown-ups. We can cuddle without it being anything, right?”

  Anything like romance, attraction. She looked up and their eyes met. Sparks flew. Sure, there was nothing more between them. They were just friends. Nothing more. She’d accept the explanation for now. It was her first day. She didn’t need to jump into anything. This needed to taken slowly.

  Her heart wanted to rush. As did her body.

  But for family, her hand was forced. “Yes. We can cuddle. Nothing more.”

  Her heart settled down. And she settled back down against him. She rubbed her mouth, wishing she could kiss him. She’d crawl across his lap and kiss the hell out of him, until he touched her. Stripped her bare.

  She shivered a little as his hand shifted up her side so it was close to her breast.

  “I missed you, kitten. I’m glad you are here.” His voice was low, his mouth close to ear.

  She closed her eyes and covered his hand with hers. She wondered if he realized how inevitable they were. If nothing happened between them, she might wither. No one else she dated compared to the way she felt with him. That’s why she failed at dating. She thought something was wrong with her. Instead, it was her looking in the wrong place.

  It was a relief to have an explanation.

  His fingers laced between hers.

  What would he do if she moved his hand to cover her breast? She almost laughed at the look of shock she imagined on his face. But after the shock passed, what would he do? Would he say no? Would he kiss her?

  She should go to bed. He squeezed her hand. And she turned her attention back to the movie. Cuddle as friends. Sure. Just friends. She looked up at him. He was so beautiful it hurt. She was his, he was hers. There was no fighting it, but she also couldn’t force it. She’d have to wait for it to happen.

  Chapter 9

  By Saturday, Ben’s head was spinning with Selene. And he was planning on spending the day with her, showing her around. Doing whatever she wanted. Whatever it took to make her smile.

  Including pushing past his boundaries and cuddling with her every damn night. And going to bed and touching himself while he imagined her soft lips against his, her soft body under his hands, and being buried deep inside her.

  He wanted to say no he meant to say no when she asked him if it was okay, but he could see the fear of rejection in her eyes. And he didn’t truly want to be apart from her. So he added the caveat, for himself, that it was just as friends, family. Like she said, they way they used to when she was tiny and he had nothing but brotherly feelings for her.

  He got out of bed and stood under the hot shower in his private bathroom. He used this one exclusively. The other washroom, like her bedroom, was off-limits for him. He couldn’t handle if he walked in and saw her bra hanging over the shower rod, or the scent to her shampoo. Her scent was already permanently in his office. He couldn’t resist it in private as well. All he wanted was to give into his desire to kiss her, which would lead to touching her, would lead to tasting, and saying ‘I love you’ in a way that wasn’t about family.

  He was like a fucking teenager with a threat of an erection all the damn time. So far he’d kept his dick under control. But his fantasies were out of control.

  And today he was going out into the world beside her. He dressed in jeans and a sweater. Then he ventured to the kitchen, with the hope she made coffee. He needed it first thing. But it also meant she’d be making breakfast. Oatmeal so far, but even that was amazing. He had daily delivery of bagels and other stuff at the office, and he usually grabbed one mid morning. But a hot meal in the morning was great.

  She was at the stove, stirring when he entered. She threw a smile over her shoulder. “Oatmeal again. Do you want toast?”

  “I’ll make it.” He needed to contribute to the meal. She asked Mrs. Ginny if there was a toaster and there was. He didn’t even know he had one. Now he was pushing bread into the slots.

  “We have to shop for groceries today,” she said.

  “I have a delivery service for that.” The same ones who brought the bread and oatmeal.

  “Just once.” She gave him an innocent smile. “A month. I need to buy some staples and probably some other stuff. And a few things for the kitchen. I can’t order everything from Amazon.”

  He retrieved the margarine and a butter knife. “Okay, we’ll go shopping today.”

  He couldn’t recall the last time he was at the grocery store. He tried to cook a few times, years ago. But he failed at several attempts, so any food he bought went bad in his fridge. He gave up and moved to takeout food.

  “Thank-you.” She blew him a kiss and returned to stirring. “I’ll have two pieces of toast please.” The pots scraped across the stove as she removed it from the heat source. She divided it into two bowls and put them on the table with the milk and sugar.

  He put two more pieces in the toaster and gave her one of the hot slices. He watched with wide eyes and she dumped three heaping spoons of sugar into her bowl. “You will bounce off the walls,” he said.

  “It tastes like cardboard otherwise. And it’s like an extra pick me up.”

  “That’s what the coffee is for.”

  “Extra. Don’t like it, don’t look.” She pulled her bowl protectively closer to her body.

  He stirred a spoonful into his bowl. “If you are tired today, that is not my fault. I’m not the one who wanted to argue about the blog.”

  “You were half the argument. I had a valid idea, and you stomped all over it.” Her eyes narrowed in his direction.

  Had he? Did he veto her arbitrarily? “I don’t want to argue again. I told you before we went to bed to show me what you mean and we can go from there.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. When she asked if she could work on it at work, he said no. He needed her for a million other things right now. If she wanted this blog, she’d have to show him what it would look like and how it would benefit the company. And she’d have to do when there was no other work to do or after hours.

  To put it simply, he still wasn’t convinced. And she was frustrated with him.

  “Anyway, it was your fault because after twenty-six minutes of arguing you said you’d consider it if I did all this other work. Which I understand. I want to show you what I have in mind. But your fault, for not saying it at the start.”

  “I should have said it at the start. But I hadn’t thought of it then.” He made a face. She made one back then giggled.

  He laughed with her until the toast popped from the toaster. He went to butter it.

  She was on her phone when he came back with the second batch of toast. Her hair was in a braid down her back. exposing her neck. He could bend and kiss her there. He could suck the skin into his mouth, bathe it with this tongue. He could torture her until her insides melted.

  “Toast,” he said, setting two pieces on the table beside her bowl.

  “Thank-you. You’re the best.”

  “Obviously not the best boss since we are into day two of a single argument.”

  “Most bosses would say ‘fuck no’ and ban me from every bringing it up again. You’re a great boss.”

  “I’ll take your word for it. Lynn says she thinks I’m great. But truth be told, you keep making her tea, and it’s making me look bad. I think she likes you more than me.”

  “I’m only being nice.” Her bottom lip stuck out.

  “I’m teasing you.
” He reached over and ruffled her hair.

  “You are so lucky you are my favorite person. People have lost fingers for messing with my hair.”

  His heart sped up. He was her favorite person? Because he gave her a great job? Because of their history? He picked up her hand and kissed the back of it while he thought of a reply. With nothing but questions, he gave up and moved to a new topic. “Where are we going today, m’lady?”

  “Art museum. And I found a market I want to check out. That okay with you?” She bit her bottom lip. He was lost in her eyes. She could have asked him to travel to hell, and he’d do it as long as he could hold her hand.

  He leaned back and let go of her hand. “Sounds good. Whatever you want. I’m here to drive you.”

  “We could take the bus if there was no need for groceries.”

  “It’s the middle of winter, we’ll take the bus in the summer.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise. On the future of my business, I promise.”

  He took his plate and bowl to the dishwasher and put it inside. “You ready then? Let’s go.”

  “Ten minutes. I have to put my makeup on.”

  He resisted the urge to lean closer. “You look great. You will not see anyone you know today. Besides me. Let’s go.”

  She held out her plate for him. “No makeup?” She took a deep breath and gave him a half smile. “Ah what’s the difference. You’ve seen me like this. And I have no one to impress.”

  She always impressed him, but he kept that to himself. He hadn’t thought she’d agree. It wasn’t something that was important to him. He took her plate and bowl and pressed a kiss to her cheek. A little moan escaped her, making his heart jump. Was that pleasure or discomfort? He couldn’t tell and he decided to run. “I’ll get ready.”

  “Sure, you tell me no makeup but you have to get ready.”

  He fled to his bedroom, the only space left that didn’t smell like her. He washed his hands, put on the cologne she gave him for Christmas and put his wallet in his pocket.

  She was at the front door, bundled up. He wanted to kiss her again, instead he retrieved his coat.

  When they returned with their shopping spoils, they had to make two trips from the car to bring in everything. She bought him some kitchen basics she decided he lacked. And food staples, a ton of junk food, and a bunch of what he called ingredients; the stuff that one prepared into meals. He had neither the time nor ability to prepare a meal.

  He helped her put the groceries away, then she set about cooking them supper. And he set his laptop up at the table to watch her while he worked. “I’d offer to help, but I can’t boil water.”

  “I’ll teach you, sometime. Not tonight, I’m too hungry.”

  “Your mom tried to teach me. It was a disaster.”

  She looked over her shoulder from where she was chopping something and rolled her eyes. “I’ll teach you. Mom is so-so at teaching stuff. I’m amazing.”

  She was amazing. He couldn’t argue.

  She took her bags from the market into her room. She bought a few things for her family and friends back home. When she returned, she set two things next to his laptop. One was a box, and the other was some tissue paper wrapped around something, like a book.

  “What is it?” He picked up the box.

  “It’s a present.”

  “Yeah, but what is it?”

  “You have to open it. That’s how surprises work.” She went to the stove to poke at her meat.

  He unwrapped the tissue paper first. It was a copy of The Curious Kitten. “Where did you find this?”

  “At the market. I had to distract you so I could keep it a secret.”

  He flipped through the book and saw the curious kitten wander off and get lost and befriend a puppy. “I know you had when you were a kid. After I called you kitten, you insisted I read it every night.”

  “I know, I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. I grabbed it right off. Open the box.”

  He opened the box and pulled out a statue of a puppy. “What is this?” He turned it in his hand.

  “I figured if I’m the kitten, then you’re the puppy. Showing me around, teaching me to take small risks.”

  He pulled it out and set it in his palm. He turned it about studying the detail.

  “Retrievers are very loyal. One of the most loyal breeds. And he was the cutest there was.”

  “It’s very sweet. Thank-you. I don’t know if I should take it to work or keep it on my desk here. I’ll think about it. For now, I’ll put him on my desk.”

  He put it on his computer desk in the living-room corner. He kissed her cheek as a thank-you. She turned and gave him a one-armed hug, her other hand holding the spatula. “Thank-you for taking a day off and enjoying yourself.”

  “I checked my email every hour on the hour. It wasn’t exactly work free.”

  “It was for you and I appreciate your time.”

  “Anything for you,” he whispered into her ear.

  She pulled back and poked at her meat again. He went back to his computer and started responding to the emails he’d been reading and not answering all day today.

  Sunday evening, Selene looked up from the work she was doing to prove to Ben his website needed a blog. She had hit a block in her mind and she needed something to do to work it out. Usually she’d putter around the house, but this wasn’t her house. Her second was to go for a walk, but it was freezing out.

  She tossed her notebook on the coffee table. The sound made Ben look up from the papers he was looking at adjacent from her. “What”

  “What amenities does your building have?”

  “Amenities? What do you mean?” His eyes narrowed.

  “Pool? Gym? Butler on call? I had a friend who lived in a building like this. She had everything.”

  “I don’t know. There might be a pool and a gym.”

  “Might be? Don’t you go to the gym to keep in shape?”

  “I’m a workaholic.”

  “Well, I’m here to save you.”

  “You’ll save me? Do I need saving?” Amusement danced in his eyes and his mouth twitched as he tried to suppress his smile. He failed to stop it.

  She knelt next to him. “Prepare to move your body. Maybe you can have soda again in your life.”

  “Who has time for that?”

  “You need to make time. Health body is as important as healthy mind and hard work. Also, it’s a great place to pick up chicks.”

  “It never occurred to me. I’m too busy.”

  “Benjamin, you are missing out. You will feel so much better if you work out regularly.”

  She jumped to her feet and grabbed his hand. He allowed himself to be pulled to his feet.

  “Come on, we need to go find this stuff. I bet there’s a great lounge you could use to throw killer parties.”

  “Wait. I’m throwing killer parties?”

  “Well, probably not this year. I already missed Christmas. Do you have friends?”

  He shrugged. “Not really.”

  She pressed herself against his side. This was a travesty. He had a hugely successful business. He had a damn jaguar and a luxury apartment. But he wasn’t lying about his life. He was missing so much of life. He wasn’t aware he was missing anything. Or he knew, but he ignored it by working too much.

  Was he lonely? Was that why he wanted her here? From the first day when he sat at his desk until now a few days later he usually joined her on the sofa. What would change in the days to come? Of course, she didn’t have his baseline to compare to, other than what he told her.

  She would do more than personally assist him at the office. She decided it was her mission to balance his life and make it full again. Full of people and friends and laughter. He used to have a huge group of friends. She was an honorary member. He never refused her requests to tag along. His friends never protested. She wondered what he told them. But her mom said no when he wouldn’t refuse her. She pouted about it, but he’
d return with a treat for her, to make her smile. And she begged him to hang out until she fell asleep, and he caved every time.

  When she stopped to grab his keys from the hook by the door, he ran into her. He laughed. “Sorry, I don’t even know where I’m going.”

  “We’ll start at the main floor and work our way up.” She threw a smile at him over her shoulder. “Think of it as an adventure.”

  He smiled down at her, she felt a funny warmth in her chest. The way she always did when she had his full attention. She wanted to hug him. To feel his body against hers. But she didn’t want to stop at hugging, she wanted to kiss him. She wanted things she didn’t dare admit. Even to admit them to herself was too much.

  He looked away, and she realized she’d been standing there grinning at him like an idiot for far too long. But he’d been grinning back at her the same way.

  She held back a sigh. There was no way he looked at her other than his little sister and now his employee. She hated when the doubt crept in and made her question what she felt.

  He opened the door. “Come on, you promised me adventure.”

  She almost reneged on the idea, but she’d look like an even bigger fool. She put on a brave smile. “Let’s go.”

  She meant to let go of his hand when they got in the elevator, but he didn’t pull away. They rode in silence and got off in the lobby. Three hallways later she found what she was looking for. “I knew it was down here.”

  “That was a short adventure.”

  The people inside the fitness room looked at them. She waved. “New to the building. We are checking things out.”

  “Come on in,” a woman on a stationary bike said.

  She tugged him in and headed for the woman, who looked to be close to Selene’s age, maybe a few years older. He held tight to her hand, and she tried not to squeal. She smiled at the woman. “Hi, I’m Selene. This is Ben.”

  “I’m Heidi. Nice to meet you.” Her feet remained moving the pedals, albeit at a lower speed. “So you’re new to the building?”

  “I am. Ben has been here a couple of years and he’s never used to the workout room. So I dragged him down to find it.”