Writer's Block

by Kluivert Galea

  “But what?” asked Kate.

  “I just wasn’t good enough and I was never going to be. I used to love writing because I thought it gave me a sense of identity; that it made me special in a way because I was good at it, but then she, my ex, came along and everything went to shit. She made me realise that I was nothing special; writing didn’t make me special, my talents were miniscule compared to others, the world could go on without my stories, just as I was replaceable to her, my stories were also replaceable.”

  Kraig stood up, clasped his hands together and stretched them upwards towards the sky, “So I said, fuck it, and I gave up.”

  “That’s pathetic.”

  Kraig looked at Kate, hoping to find a smile resting on her face, telling him that it was a joke but her expression was stern; she was serious.

  “What?” asked Kraig in disbelief, now wondering if he had made the right choice opening up to her (even though he hadn’t told her everything).

  Kate stood up, grabbed him by the chin, lifted his head and looked him in the eyes, “You heard me, it’s pathetic. If you truly loved it, you shouldn’t have quit. I don’t know the specifics and I doubt you’ll tell me but I’m not going to sit around and let your talents go to waste because of some random bitch. You’re going to pick up that pen again because if you don’t, I’ll use every ounce of influence I have to make sure you never find a girlfriend in your life, or at least, while you’re still at our school.”

  “You think threats like that work on me?” said Kraig, “I’m way ahead of you. I happen to talk to only one female who, by some godly miracle, is single. So no, you don’t scare me.”

  “And who would this girl be?” asked Kate, completely oblivious.

  “You,” answered Kraig, perplexed at how she could miss such an obvious statement.

  “Smooth,” replied Kate, crossing her arms and laughing.

  Red overflowed Kraig’s cheeks at the realisation of what he had just done. “I wasn’t trying to be,” he scoffed.

  “Anyway,” Kate continued, “either you write or I ruin you.”

  “What makes you think I even give two shits about having a girlfriend?” asked Kraig, curious as to where she possibly got this notion from.

  “Oh please! Gary found some of his old school magazines and sent them to me and he showed me some of the poems you sent him, most of them are all lovey-dovey romance stories and besides, the rest of the guys always joke about you being a hopeless romantic, so now I know your dirty little secret. So either you keep writing or I’ll ruin you.”

  She once more had a stern look on her face, so much so that Kraig began to worry, even though she had no intention of actually doing anything remotely bad to him.

  Once she noticed his silence and worried expressions she spoke up again after bursting into laughter. “What’s with that face?” she laughed, “I’m just busting your balls. But seriously, either write something or send me some of your old work because I really enjoyed it.”

  They slowly made their way back home. As soon as Duke walked through the common apartment door, he darted up three stories and waited impatiently by the door, for either Kraig or Catherine to open it. As soon as Kraig turned the key and the slightest crack appeared in the door, Duke shot into the apartment and into the kitchen, where he had a drink from his bowl of water.

  “I should get going,” said Kate, who was still standing behind the door.

  “You should have dinner with us.” said Catherine from the kitchen.

  “I’m not sur—” Kate hesitated.

  “Come on,” Catherine encouraged her, “I already made extra, anyway.”

  “I’ll join you then.” Kate walked in through the door.

  All three of them sat at the dinner table together and enjoyed some spaghetti together. Catherine seemed keen on getting to know Kate, she asked her numerous questions; where she’s from, what she’s studying and how she became friends with Kraig among other things. As soon as they had finished dinner, Kraig went to his room.

  “You can go after him if you want,” said Catherine.

  Kate put the chair back under the table and placed her plate in the kitchen sink. She asked Catherine if she could help with the dishes.

  “I’ll take care of it later,” said Catherine, “Don’t worry about it.”

  And after a while of insisting but getting her offers rejected, Kate finally made her way to Kraig’s room. She saw Kraig coming out of his room as she was going in.

  “Just a second, I left my phone in the kitchen, have a seat,” he said.

  As soon as he entered the kitchen, his mum gave him a sort of ‘you sly devil’ look and knew what she was trying to say.

  “No, Mum, we’re just friends,” he said in a low voice, trying not to let her hear.

  “Awh come on, don’t be a pussy, she probably likes you,” she said, while scrubbing the dishes, not wanting to wait till later.

  “Fine, whatever you say,” he said, retreating back into his room.

  The door creaked as it opened, Kraig noticed Kate looking enthusiastically around his room, noticing all the little things. Kraig felt embarrassed as she looked around, he didn’t know how she’d react to his vinyl records, or his figurines still in their boxes, stacked on top of each other, various fantasy books shelved neatly in a row one after another. He knew they were things that women would find unattractive (his idea not the public’s) but he didn’t care because he enjoyed them, but he still felt slightly embarrassed as she looked around. Besides what do you even care about what she thinks of you Kraig? Didn’t you make up your mind?

  “Is that a Rolling Stones record?” Kate asked, pointing towards the shelf where all of them were, as Kraig entered the room.

  “Can we listen to it?”

  There was a sparkle in her eyes, bright, beautiful, yet fragile that compelled him not to create the tiniest fracture, so he accepted.

  “Uhm sure,” he said, reaching for the shelf above his desk. He carefully took the album out of its cover, lifted the dust cover on his vinyl player and carefully placed the record on the platter with side one facing up, he pulled up the lever, carefully positioned the tone arm, and then dropped the needle.

  Kraig was surprised she liked the Rolling Stones, but he felt more at ease, now that she wouldn’t think he’s a loser because of his hobbies; a stupid notion sure, but then again, can you really blame him? Hint: You can, he’s being an idiot.

  After a few seconds the silence broke as Gimme Shelter began to play.

  “I love this album so much,” said Kate, spinning around in Kraig’s chair, “It’s just, so… I can’t put it into words to rightfully describe it.” She laughed, “But I just love it, you know?”

  “Isn’t that how things always are?” laughed Kraig, sitting on the edge of his bed.

  “What do you mean?”

  “No one really knows why they love something, do they? They just do, it’s that simple, in most cases anyway. I know, for example why I love my mum, but ask a husband why he loves his wife or vice versa, and what will they say except ‘she makes me happy’?”

  “That’s… poetic? I guess?” said Kate, still looking the other way as she noticed an old Wii plugged into the TV.

  “Hey, do you have Mario kart? I bet I could beat your ass,” she said turning the chair around to look him in the eye.

  “How has no one tried to sweep you off your feet?” asked Kraig under his breath, curious as to why such a lively and amazing girl decided to hang out with him instead of the endless sea of substantially better men.

  “What?” asked Kate, who didn’t hear him (well truth be told, she did. She just didn’t know what to say)

  “Nothing, nothing,” said Kraig, with a hint of red in his cheeks and scratching the back of his head, Idiot! Don’t just blurt stuff out without thinking. Idiot! he thought. (You should seriously stop blushing, dude.)

  And so in this very moment, this exact second that that thought had passed in his mind,
is when a conflict began for him (just another one to add to the already present hundred). Well, it was certain to him as well as those around him, that his heart was harpooned into a wall called the past, but that heart passed on the torch to someone much younger, because it seemed to him as if he was starting to feel something for the girl in front of him. But he wasn’t willing to do anything about it. Passive idiot. He knew she’d say no if he asked, so he spared himself the trouble. He tried to convince himself that the butterflies in his stomach were only temporary, stemming from that very situation because at that point in time, to him, she seemed perfect, like she was straight out of his dreams, but still he knew better than to trust his heart.

  Could he have asked her at that point? Surely, would she have said yes? Probably not, she was having doubts if she was right for him. Ironic, isn’t it?

  Just friends, he kept repeating in his head, as if to convince himself, sure they had common hobbies, but look at me! Then look at her! he thought as he caught his reflection in the mirror.

  Nonetheless, he cherished that moment, he did get his ass beat in Mario Kart, but there was no consequence to losing, the only thing that filled that room that day was laughter, and no matter how many time he got his ass kicked, he smiled, because for the first time, he met a girl that at least platonically liked him for the little geek he was, a girl who finally understood him. But is Kraig an idiot? Most definitely. Will he end up wanting something more from that relationship? Probably. He refused to recognise it quite yet but the tide was slowly rolling in. Did he ever get the balls to ask her out? That’s a tough one, I guess it depends on what your definition of asking out is, but I guess you could say he did but also didn’t.

  Kate arrived home at around half past nine, her mother and father were in the kitchen having dinner. Kate joined them, she pulled a seat and sat down.

  “Are you going to eat?” asked George, her father.

  “No thanks, I ate at Kraig’s, twice. I’m still full,” she said, pulling the chair towards the table.

  “Oh. How was it?” asked her mother enthusiastically.

  “It was amazing. I met Duke, his dog, he’s really sweet and gentle and we walked him for a while and it was really great. Kraig was also a bit shy for some reason, but he’s sweet enough, he likes the same music I do and he’s a bit of a nerd but I like that about him. His mum is also great, her cooking is amazing, and it was fun,” she replied, as if she had been waiting all day to tell someone how great her day went.

  “He’s also a writer,” she added, “most of his writing, from what I’ve seen, is pessimistic, but I think that’s because he secretly hopes for something better. I don’t really know what to say but it was just great.”

  “She asked you about your day, not your new boyfriend,” laughed George.

  “He’s not—” said Kate, not finishing her sentence.

  Kate went up to her room and changed into her pyjamas. She messaged Kraig.

  “Thanks for everything, I had a lot of fun, thanks for everything. What are you doing?”

  “I’m playing Overwatch with Gary. I’ll text you when I’m done,” he replied.

  “Okay,” she replied, assuming the worse that he didn’t want to talk to her because she had done something wrong. So, she got into bed trying to sleep, but an hour later, she heard her phone go off. She ignored it but then it went off again, she picked it up. It was a message from Kraig.

  “I’m done,” the first one read.

  Her heart sank.

  “That took a long time, sorry about that, but I’m done playing now :),” read the second, she let out a sigh of relief.

  “Sorry again for taking so long. Anyway, what are you doing?” read the third.

  A smile radiated from her face, and they stayed up all night talking until Kraig couldn’t fight off the drowsiness any longer.

  Kraig and co. were relaxing at a garden close by to the movie theatre. They were all discussing the movie they had just seen. The girls weren’t with them and they had something planned, so it was just the four of them (something which hadn’t happened in a while). All four of them were sitting on a staircase which led to a huge bell at the end of the garden which was locked off by a (easily skippable) gate. The bell was a World War Two memorial.

  Kraig took a look at the plaque with the names of the soldiers on it. “What a bunch of horse shit,” he said, “A soldier loses his life and he gets what? A fucking bell in a garden on the far edge of the country which is barely even visited at all?”

  Gary grunted. “Spare us your philosophical bullshit,” he laughed, “just keep talking about the movie, my brain’s fried.”

  “I’m not going to,” said Kraig, “That movie was fucking atrocious, pure fucking horse shit. Who the hell made that monstrosity, I mean come on, a dude declares his love for a girl he barely even knows and then he proceeds to take a bullet for her. The sooner I forget that movie, the better.”

  “I quite liked it,” said Ron, lifting up both shoulders in disagreement. “Besides,” he laughed, “I’m sure it only bothered you because you’re romantically frustrated.”

  “Fuck you,” replied Kraig with a slight chuckle while flipping him off.

  “Don’t worry, bud,” said Gary, pointing a finger at Kraig with a Pepsi bottle in hand, “We’re in the same boat.”

  “Yeah, no, you made out with three different women last week alone. THREE, TH—REEEEE!” replied Kraig, slightly frustrated, while holding up three fingers and almost shoving them into Gary’s face, “We’re not in the same ocean, let alone boat.”

  Gary pushed away Kraig’s hand, “That doesn’t mean it’s fulfilling, don’t get me wrong. It’s fun for the moment but at some point, you start to crave something more, it only fills your heart for a little while then it’s just emptiness again. I have bad luck with long term shit, anyway, so I said fuck it, can’t wrestle against fate so I’m enjoying the ride.” Gary took a sip of Pepsi, “What about you? Why’d you give up? We’re still young to give up so I guess this is all stupid but still, why?”

  “I thought you told me to lay off the philosophical bullshit,” laughed Kraig. “But anyway, it’s a long story,” said Kraig, putting both hands behind his head and lying down on the stairs so that his back pressed against the edges, “Jesus, that’s uncomfortable,” still he didn’t get up, “Anyway, as I said, it’s a long story.”

  Kraig grabbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a few seconds. The others assumed he was going to deflect the question yet again.

  “It’s a long story, but it starts about a year ago. I was fifteen and stupid, well I still am. I’m not really sure I learned from my mistakes but anyway, she did some fucked up shit, the relationship went sour, the only person I counted on (outside of my mother) betrayed me, so I just gave up on everyone and retreated into my own little, pessimistic shell, and that’s how I turned into the sad piece of shit you see before you. I could put in some effort and pick myself up, but I lack the effort to, you know… put in effort. Actually, come to think of it, it’s not that long.”

  “Wai—wai—wait,” said Ron, “So just ONE chick broke your heart, just ONE? And that was enough to make you give up?” Ron had a puzzled expression on his face, “SO a SINGULAR chick is the reason you’re scared to ask Kate out?”

  Kraig swiped his forehead with the back of his hand multiple times, as if it would stir the words he needed into place, “I already told you, I don’t like her. Besides—”

  “BULLSHIT!” they all chimed together in disbelief at Kraig’s obvious lie.

  “AS-I-WAS-SAYING!” continued Kraig, “Even if I did like her, I wouldn’t stand a chance, there’s a greater chance of Kazuya forgiving his father than of me not being rejected.”

  “Don’t fucking reference Tekken, you fucking nerd. Gary won’t get it,” said Ron.

  “I got the gist of it,” said Gary.

  Kraig looked up at the shining stars above, white dots in an endless blanket of black. �
��She’s amazing,” he said, propping himself up to sit once again on the stairs. “She’s bloody amazing. She draws, she’s talented; she’s the sweetest fucking girl I’ve ever met or will ever meet.”

  Kraig let out a sigh, “Meanwhile, I’m a disappointment of a writer who gave up because his girlfriend dumped him, what a shit show. I don’t have a chance,” Kraig laughed, mostly to ward off the pity which would come from the others, but it didn’t come. “But hey, I’m sure she’ll find my multiple issues very attractive. Why in the living hell (why would it be living they’re all dead?). Anyway, why in the hell would she ever go for me? I’ve got so many issues; I’m practically the Spidey comics at this point.”

  “Don’t sell yourself short,” said Gary, “You manage to make us smile. You’re a pretty great guy. Look, I’m not her so I can’t understand whatever is going through her head but she likes you. Besides, she went through a 45-minute bus ride to walk your dog, so that either means she loves dogs or that at the very least, she loves you platonically… very platonically. Like very, very, very platonically like she cherishes your friendship so much she’d date you just to stay close to you… but only platonically.”

  Kraig got up and moved around for a bit as he felt himself become stiff, “I’m sure I’ll get her with my secret weapon.” He stuck his butt out and slapped it.

  “I honestly hate myself for laughing at all your stupid, gay shit,” said Ron, as the palm of his hand came up to his face.

  “I hate myself too, there aren’t any requirements, I just hate myself,” laughed Kraig. They rolled their eyes but laughed as well.

  Chapter 4a

  Carry That Weight

  “How haven’t you seen Friends?” asked Gary.

  “I don’t know, how haven’t you seen Cowboy Bepop?” Kraig said back.

  “Look man, Friends isn’t some obscure we-a-boo shit, it’s basically the greatest comedy ever made.”

  “I wouldn’t go as far as calling it the greatest comedy.”

  “Then what is the greatest comedy?”