Craving Constellations

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  The rooms were situated in such a way that Trix’s windows faced the front of the house and mine faced the back. I was happy with this at first because it meant that sunlight would be streaming through my windows at the ass crack of dawn and not Trix’s. I could sleep through it; she could not. It took me about one minute before the fact that our rooms faced different sides of the house started to freak me the hell out. If someone were trying to get into Trix’s room, I wouldn’t even hear it. I’d be completely oblivious. Shit. I didn’t know if I even wanted Trix that far away from me. What if something happened? I decided to push my thoughts away in favor of puttering around our new little house. I could stress about our bedrooms when it was time for bed; there was no need to worry this early in the day about sleeping arrangements.

  Grease showed up not long after we got settled and pulled me out of an almost panic attack. Trix was sitting on the ugly-ass couch, playing with her Barbies, when I let him in, and I was busy trying to rearrange things to my liking. Having him in the house made me far less jumpy, and I wondered what the fuck I was going to do when he went home that night. I didn’t know if he had a family, if he lived at the club, if he had a house in town, or if he was annoyed about babysitting me. It was funny how many things changed when you disappeared for five years, how life went on when you expected it to stay the same. I opened my mouth to ask him about his life when he tilted his chin to the kitchen and started to walk toward it. Once we got there, he answered some of my unasked questions.

  “Fuck, Brenna. You’ve really got yourself in a situation this time. Tony fuckin’ Richards. Goddamn, you go big when you fuck up. Fuck Dragon, take off for parts unknown, marry Tony fuckin’ Richards, have Dragon’s kid, come back here screaming sanctuary, and drag the whole fuckin’ club into your shit. Fuck me, his dad has police in his pocket!” He shook his head.

  “I didn’t know he was an asshole! Yes, I knew his dad had political connections, but I never expected to come back here. I figured we would just live a normal life. You know, where you aren’t afraid the police will come knocking! He seemed normal!” My voice was defensive.

  “Normal? The guy’s a fuckin’ sociopath!”

  “I was pregnant; I had to do something. I was twenty-two years old and barely graduated from college. I’d never had a fucking job, and I had a baby on the way. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight,” I mumbled, knowing that I couldn’t argue with the sociopath statement.

  “Don’t even bring that shit up to me, Brenna! You could have come back here. Where your family is. Where the father of your child is. You completely fucked Dragon over, and you completely fucked me over. I fuckin’ saw you that night, and I had to decide if I should say shit to Poet. I was fuckin’ walking on eggshells for two months after you left, not sure what was the right thing to do. Finally, I think, yeah, just bury that shit. No one needs to know. You were an adult, made your own decision, right? Not my business. Then, you show up with Dragon’s kid, and all that shit comes out again. Goddamn it!”

  “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry for everything! I’m sorry I put you in that position. I’m sorry I bailed on everyone. I’m sorry I married that fuck. I’m sorry, okay?”

  Shit, I was crying and trying to keep my back to Trix, so she didn’t wig out. I’d known Grease my whole life. He was the kid of an Ace, just like me, and he’d gotten his cut right before I left for college. I felt like shit for taking off and leaving him to deal with everything. I just felt like shit, period. I wiped my face and looked to the floor, trying to get my emotions under control when, seconds later, I felt his arms around me. He smelled exactly the same as he had five years ago. He’d always worn the same deodorant, and the smell of it mixed with cigarettes reminded me of home.

  I heard the door open behind me and felt Grease lift his head, but I didn’t turn around. If there were a threat, he’d let me know. I was just going to rest where I was for a moment.

  “The fuck, brother?” I heard Dragon rasp.

  Shit.

  I dropped my arms and turned around to see Dragon walking toward the kitchen and Trix jumping off the couch to catch him. He wasn’t even aware of her though; his eyes were locked on me where Grease’s arm was hanging loosely across my shoulders. His jaw was tight, and he looked far from happy. I wasn’t ready for any drama, so I sidestepped out of Grease’s grasp and called to Trix, who was now trying to get Dragon’s attention.

  “Baby, you want mac and cheese for dinner? I think we have the ingredients for homemade. I’ll let you spread the cheese and crackers on top if you want,” I said with a smile at my girl.

  She loved helping me cook dinner, and I’d become adept at finding things for her to do that would cause little mess and had little chance for injury.

  “Okay, Mama! Can I have strawberry milk, too? Macaroni and cheese is delicious, but it’s better with strawberry milk. Can we have broccoli, too? With ranch?”

  It amazed me how far she’d come out of her shell after only being here for a few weeks.

  “Sure. How about you go play for a while in your room, get your PJs and your trainer on, and I’ll call you when it’s time for you to do your part?”

  “Okay,” she called as she turned and raced toward her room.

  When I looked up from where Trix had been standing, I noticed the tension in the room was gone, and both men looked surprised.

  Why did they look like that?

  Grease started laughing softly. “Delicious? That kid’s a trip. I didn’t realize she could even talk.”

  “Of course she can talk, dumbass. She’s four. She’s been talking for like three years.”

  Had he never been around kids before? What was the big deal?

  “Brenna, she’s said about three words since you two got here. One of those was Papa, and the other two were yes and no,” Dragon spoke softly beside me.

  When I glanced up, he was looking down the hallway toward Trix’s bedroom proudly.

  After a minute, he looked back at both of us. “My girl is smart. ‘Mac and cheese is delicious,’ she says.” He shook his head and mimicked Trix. “Fuck me, Brenna, she sounds just like you.”

  Grease and Dragon stayed for my homemade macaroni and cheese, and Trix was in her element. She chattered on and on about everything she did that day, detailing where she put every single toy in her new room. The guys just sat there patiently, jumping in when they could, and generally agreeing with everything she said.

  It was a good night even though I was hyperaware of every move Dragon made, and I often found myself staring at him. God, he was beautiful, more beautiful now than the last time I’d seen him. He seemed bigger, more in charge of his body. Every move he made was calculated for maximum effect. His shoulders were broader, and there were more lines around his eyes. The soft look I remembered was now directed at Trix, but I didn’t mind. Quite the opposite actually—it was a thousand times better when I saw it directed at my baby.

  I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. Yoga had slimmed me down the last couple of years, so I wasn’t carrying around any extra baby weight, but things were definitely softer. My boobs weren’t quite so perky, my hips were rounder, and my stomach would never again be as flat as before. For the first time in five years, I was concerned about how I looked naked. It was ridiculous. He had an old lady, a wife. He wasn’t here for me. I knew this, but it didn’t stop me from worrying about the stretch marks covering my stomach or the heavy-duty bra I needed to keep the girls looking chipper.

  Trix pulled me from my thoughts with a doozy straight out of Tony’s mouth.

  “Mama and I go to yoga. We bend and stretch and make animal shapes. We go, so we don’t get fat. Nobody loves fat girls. Mama runs, too, so she doesn’t get a fat ass again, but I don’t run.”

  I had never heard her say anything like it, but I knew she had heard far worse from Tony. I gaped at her a moment before I got my shit together enough to snap, “Trix, don’t say ass! That’s not an okay word for kids to say! Plus, you�
�re not fat. You won’t ever be fat. We go to yoga because it’s fun.” I could feel my face burning in mortification, but I calmed my voice, so she didn’t think she was in trouble. “Bedtime, kiddo. Head in and brush your teeth. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  When she made a face that said she was about to argue, I gave her my I-mean-business look, and she quickly scrambled down from the table and ran toward the bathroom.

  Shit.

  I didn’t want to make eye contact with either of the men at my table, but I could feel the hostility in the room, and I knew I had to get it over with. When I looked up, they were both staring at me in disgust, and I could feel my face that had started to cool down start burning again.

  “You tell her that shit?” Dragon rumbled. “You tell our four-year-old that she has to work out or she’s gonna get fat?”

  “Of course not! I wouldn’t do that! She’s four for fuck’s sake!”

  “Well, she didn’t come up with that shit on her own!” His voice was steadily rising.

  “Calm down, Dragon.” Grease tried to diffuse Dragon’s anger. “You know that shit didn’t come from Brenna’s mouth.”

  “Brother, you got no part in this. Shut the fuck up. This is between Brenna and me. I don’t even know what the fuck you’re still doing here. I get here—you leave. I’m not puttin’ up with another dick playing Daddy to my girl, and I’m sure as fuck not letting you sniff around Brenna.”

  Grease’s body snapped away from the back of the ugly gray dining room chair he was sitting on. He looked as if he were about to launch himself at Dragon. I could tell that the words coming out of Dragon’s mouth weren’t for Grease. He was pissed, but his anger wasn’t because of anything Grease had done.

  Dragon wasn’t going to back down, and by the way Grease was looking at me to gauge my reaction, I knew the situation would only escalate if I didn’t get him to leave. He was looking at me to see if I needed him to stay, and while I was thankful for it, I could tell that it was just pissing Dragon off that much more.

  “You better just go, Grease. I’ll see you later, okay? I gotta get Trix in bed anyway.”

  He nodded slowly and rose from the table, eyeballing Dragon in a way I didn’t think was prudent at the moment. He needed to get out of here. What the fuck was he trying to do, getting protective of me all of a sudden? I wasn’t some helpless fucking maiden. I could take care of this shit myself. Ugh. I wished someone would save me from testosterone and pissing matches.

  Once Grease was out the door, the intensity in the room increased until it was almost choking me.

  “Okay, Brenna, we played house. Got you all fuckin’ moved in. Time for you and I to have a chat. Do whatever shit with Trix you need to do, and then get your ass back out here.”

  Dragon stood up and went to take a seat on the couch while I sat at the table, trying to figure out how to stall. Fuck. I could try to do the dishes, but I knew that wouldn’t work. There was pretty much nothing I could do to put it off, so I needed to pull on my big girl panties and just get it over with.

  When I went to check on Trix, I found her sprawled out across my bed completely passed out. She had her blanket pressed under her cheek and a book wedged under her stomach. God, I loved her. She was the best thing I’d ever done, and I’d do anything to keep her safe—even if that meant I had to leave her. That was why I needed to get back out to Dragon. If I couldn’t keep her safe, if I wasn’t here to raise her, he would be. I pulled the book out from under her and to stall for time, I brought it back into her room and put it away. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything to straighten or clean in there since we’d just moved in. It was time to face the music.

  When I got back into the living room, Dragon was sitting on my couch, bent over with his elbows on his knees. I stood for a moment at the edge of the hallway taking him in. He had taken off his cut, and it was thrown over the back of the couch. His boots were sitting by the front door. It made me a bit nervous to see that he was making himself comfortable in my place. His powerful shoulders and arms were on full display in a greasy white T-shirt, and I had to consciously stop myself from imagining them naked…and braced above me. He looked dejected, sitting there like that, as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I took one quiet step closer to try and get a look at his face, and that was when he noticed me standing there.

  “Get your ass out here, Brenna.” He didn’t raise his head when he continued, “You’re not putting this shit off. We gotta talk.”

  I tentatively walked toward him, wondering where I should sit. We only had the ugly ass couch in the living room, and I really, really didn’t want to sit next to him. I guessed that put me on the floor. I didn’t like it, but the alternative was standing, and I knew I needed to sit for this conversation. As soon as I got close enough to him, he reached out, grabbed my hand, and yanked me down next to him.

  “Quit fuckin’ stallin’!”

  Now, I could see his face. He wasn’t dejected; he was pissed.

  I scooted as close as I could to the edge of the couch and pulled my feet up, so I could wrap my arms around my knees. “I’m not stalling,” I told him wryly. “I know we need to have this out. I’m just not looking forward to it.”

  “Trix asleep?” His face softened at Trix’s name, but it immediately went back to the stern expression I was beginning to expect.

  “Yeah, she crashed out on my bed before I even got in there. It’s been a busy day, and she was exhausted.” I couldn’t meet his eyes, so I looked over his shoulder to the kitchen as I spoke. “About what she said at the table—”

  He cut me off before I could finish. “Tony say that shit to you? Tell Trix she was fat?”

  “Yeah, well, I didn’t ever hear him say it to Trix. He’s said it to me. It’s not a big deal. He’s a dick. We both know he’s a dick.” I laughed nervously. I didn’t want to discuss my relationship with Tony to Dragon. I already felt like a complete moron for staying so long. I didn’t need him to think it, too.

  “It’s a big deal, Brenna. You’re tiny. You’ve always been fuckin’ tiny. Trix doesn’t need that shit in her head. What’s she gonna think when she looks at you and how small you are, and then thinks she’s gotta be fuckin’ smaller than that?” He looked at me incredulously. “She’s got a bit of me in her, too. No way she’s gonna be as small as you.”

  “Well, let’s be honest here. If that’s the worst thing she remembers from Tony, we’re good.” I was trying to reassure him, but I noticed immediately that it was the wrong thing to say.

  The tension in the room amped up considerably, and it was emanating from Dragon. He was wearing the same look I had seen during the confrontation in the yard—complete and utter fury. My heart started pounding in my ears as I waited for the blowup.

  When he spoke, his voice was so low it was almost a whisper. “You better explain that, Brenna. Right fuckin’ now. Seems like tonight is the night for explanations.”

  I swallowed hard and curled into myself even more. “You know he had a heavy hand—”

  “Trix around when he did that shit?”

  “Yes,” I whispered. “Not always but enough. She knew to get safe when he started, so she only saw the beginning most of the time. I tried to keep her away from it. I knew she shouldn’t see it, but sometimes, I didn’t have time to prepare,” I continued, desperately trying to explain myself, speaking faster and faster until my words were tumbling over each other. “Sometimes, he didn’t give me time to get her out of the room. She knew to leave once it started and to stay out of his way. I just didn’t have any warning! There was no reason for it. Sometimes, he just came home and started in. Other times, it would be the middle of the day or at night after dinner. There weren’t any signs. He wouldn’t even seem angry!”

  “Our daughter had to learn how to hide?” he questioned, throwing his arms up in the air for emphasis.

  I instinctively jerked back into the couch, wrapping my arms around my head. I couldn’t help it. I st
arted sobbing. My chest started to ache with all of the pressure that had been building since I’d come back to the compound. I knew it was my fault our daughter had such horrendous memories. I’d stayed there, waiting it out, thinking Trix would forget as soon as we could leave. I’d thought it wouldn’t be forever, and we could manage until I figured something else out. I’d put our daughter in danger because I didn’t know where I would go if we left. I deserved Dragon’s anger, but I didn’t know if I could handle it. I was already on the edge of becoming useless. How much could a person take before she completely fell apart?

  I was so ashamed that I had cowered like some weakling. Where was my backbone? I wasn’t afraid of Dragon. What the hell was wrong with me? Once I’d started crying, it was like everything hit me head-on—the fear for Trix, the stress of our escape, the relief of feeling safe for the first time in five years, and the fear of Tony when he’d come to the compound. It all left me overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.

  “Baby?” he questioned, his voice soft in a way I hadn’t heard in five years. “Baby? What the fuck? I’m not gonna hit you.”

  He ran his hands up and down my legs, waiting for me to look at him. When I didn’t raise my head, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my still curled-up body into his lap. I couldn’t get the tears under control, and I was embarrassed that he was seeing me like this.

  “Hey, calm it down,” he whispered as he rubbed my back in slow circles. “You’re safe. That fucker’s never gonna lay another hand on ya.”

  At his words, I took a shuddering breath, wrapped my arms around his waist, and pressed my forehead and eyes into his throat. He felt so good—big and strong and safe. I didn’t ever want to climb out of his lap again, and he seemed to agree. When I pulled my legs down into a more comfortable position, his arms tightened around my back in warning.