One Step At A Time

by Brenda Adcock

  Eighteen months later a civil court gave the widow virtually every cent Maddie had ever earned as compensation for her loss and pain and suffering. Now when Maddie saw herself in a mirror, she was once again a struggling performer, desperate to escape the life she’d been forced to endure after her parents were killed, ironically by a drunk driver.

  Chapter Two

  MADDIE LOOKED ACROSS the walkway of the cell block and watched Aggie chew on the unlit cigarette. Aggie taught Maddie how to survive, how not to become anyone’s bitch, and Maddie had the scars to prove it. She smiled. It had been hard to take a beating over and over, but they had to know she would fight back. She wasn’t the pampered punk they thought she was. She was stronger than she thought and stayed mostly to herself, killing time by working out in the rec yard and learning the intricacies of automobile engines.

  Killing ten long years.

  Now she was a day away from freedom. She’d served every minute of her sentence and lost touch with everyone who had once seemed important to her. She read and learned. She entered Sand Ridge as a twenty-one-year-old punk rocker and would leave as a thirty-one-year-old adult who’d paid the price for youthful, self-absorbed recklessness.

  From time-to-time she met another inmate who appealed to her and fucked her. But after that day in the shower, no one ever fucked Maddie James. She wouldn’t allow anyone to touch her again. She hadn’t known being touched could be anything other than painful since she was a teenager. She was strong and buffed from hours spent in the rec yard lifting weights. She walked with a confident new swagger that dared anyone to mess with her. “Hey, Aggie,” she whispered.

  “Yeah,” Aggie breathed.

  “Do you remember what it felt like to have someone touch you? Someone you wanted to touch you?”

  “Dream about it ever fuckin’ night,” Aggie chuckled.

  “Is that what it is, a dream?”

  “After all these years, that’s all it can be for me. But you’re young, Madwoman. Ya got plenty of time to get your engine goin’ again.”

  “What if I don’t want to?”

  “Then ya don’t have to! Become a fuckin’ nun or somethin’.”

  “You goin’ home?”

  “Ain’t got no home. Gonna live with my daughter in St. Louie. Says she’s got a room I can rent. Pretty close to a park, lots of little kids and animals. Not far from the Mississip. Reckon it’ll do me just fine. No more fuckin’ bars.”

  “Was it worth it? What you did?”

  For a few moments there was no response and Maddie wondered if Aggie had heard her. Finally, she responded. “It was to me, I guess. My man was hurtin’ my baby and woulda killed her if I didn’t do somethin’ first.” Maddie heard Aggie take a deep breath before continuing. “I coulda done a bunch of legal shit, but no piece of paper woulda kep’ him from breakin’ down my door. She’s still alive because he ain’t. Where ya goin’?”

  “Wherever a hundred bucks will take me, I guess. Don’t really have a plan, ya know.”

  “You’ll figure it out.” Aggie yawned. “I’m gonna try to get a little sleep, I think.”

  BEFORE DAWN THE next morning Maddie was awakened by loud voices outside her cell. She rolled over and saw half a dozen guards around Aggie’s cell. The cell door was open and there was activity inside the small area. A guard stood up and shook his head. “She almost made it,” he said. “Too bad.”

  The guards began to shuffle away. Maddie stood up and saw Aggie’s sheet being pulled up to cover her head. She reached through the bars of her cell and grabbed one of the guards by the arm. “What happened?” she asked.

  The guard jerked her arm away and pulled out her nightstick, hitting Maddie’s forearm with it and pushing her farther back in her cell. “She’s dead, dumbass.”

  “I...I was just talkin’ to her a couple of hours ago. She’s gettin’ out today.”

  The guard looked over her shoulder at the covered body and smirked. “Looks like she didn’t want to wait.”

  A second guard stepped between them. “I got this,” she said to the other guard. “Put your baton away.”

  “This one’s been a pain in my ass since the day she arrived,” the first guard spat.

  Maddie cradled her arm and bit back the pain as the guard left.

  “You all right?” the second guard asked.

  Maddie sniffed and tears ran down her cheeks. She glared at the second woman. “Who gives a shit?”

  “I do. That’s why I asked.”

  Maddie looked at her arm. “Prob’ly have a bruise, but it’ll go away eventually.” Her eyes strayed back to Aggie’s body.

  “She slit her wrists,” the guard said matter-of-factly. “You see her with a shiv, James?”

  Maddie shook her head. “She didn’t want to die caged up in this place.”

  “She’s free now, James.”

  “Will someone call her daughter in St. Louis and let her know?”

  The guard stared at Maddie for a moment before speaking. “She doesn’t have a daughter, James. Aggie killed the girl herself while she was high. That’s why she was in here. Start packing your stuff. I’ll come back when it’s time to out-process you.”

  “Thanks,” Maddie mumbled. Even in this place, people lied to cover their asses, and Aggie had been no exception. Aggie had saved Maddie’s ass more than once and it was hard to reconcile that with a woman who had killed her own daughter. But it was easy for drugs to screw with your mind and lead anyone to do horrible things. Maddie would never know what caused Aggie to snap and murder her child or why the same woman had bothered to save her. Now it was no longer her problem and she stuffed her few belongings into a small canvas duffle bag.

  Aggie’s body was removed from her cell less than an hour before Maddie processed out. She stared at the hundred dollars cash in gate money and the bus ticket to the state line they’d handed her as she waited for a ride on the prison bus into town. That plus a set of worn-out civilian clothes and a few other small personal items were all she was leaving with. She breathed in a deep lung-full of air, but even it still smelled like the inside of the prison. She fell asleep during the twenty-minute ride into the closest town and was awakened when the bus jerked to a stop in a cloud of dust. She gathered her things and walked silently into the bus depot.

  A couple of hours later, the bus rolled to a stop under a lighted canopy near the state border. She vaguely remembered performing somewhere in Texas a lifetime ago. She wiped drool from her mouth with the back of her hand and made her way down the narrow aisle between seats and stepped off into exhaust-filled night air. She waited until the other passengers picked up their suitcases before she picked up her small duffel bag and threw it over her shoulder. The shoes the prison had given her were uncomfortable, but she slowly began walking away from the bus station with her hands in her pockets. She had to find a place to crash until morning and the little food she’d purchased wore off hours ago.

  She sauntered down the shoulder of the road, staying away from passing vehicles. A few hundred yards ahead of her she saw an old building. The neon sign said it was a restaurant, but it didn’t look very busy. The building was built of cinderblock and the paint was peeling badly. Maddie looked through the front window at the menu hanging on the wall behind the counter before she opened the front door and stepped inside. She took a seat at the counter and placed her duffel on the stool next to her. A waitress with smooth auburn hair placed a menu and a glass of water in front of her and walked away.

  Maddie tallied up how much cash she had left as she looked over the typed piece of paper that passed for a menu. The waitress returned a few minutes later and pulled a pen and pad from her apron. “What’ll it be?” she asked. Maddie continued to peruse the menu, but could see the waitress was about medium height and slender. Her uniform was a little tight, but not revealing.

  “Grilled cheese and soup,” she said, setting the paper down.

  “That i
t?” the waitress asked.

  “And another glass of water.” She could have ordered more, but had never been a big eater.

  “Be right up,” the waitress said. She turned and clipped the order over the service window. An old man grabbed it and read it. He stuck his head out and shifted a toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other. “Another big spender,” he huffed. But Maddie ignored him as she sipped the water in front of her.

  The lack of customers made Maddie a target for inane and unwanted conversation. “Passing through?” the waitress asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Where you headed?”

  “Nowhere.”

  “Never heard of it.” Suddenly a hand was stuck out and waited for a response. When Maddie looked up she was greeted with a smile that looked like it belonged on the woman’s face. “Jan,” she said.

  Maddie rubbed her sweaty palms on the fabric of her pants. She took Jan’s hand briefly, giving it a single pump. “Maddie.”

  “Good name.”

  “It’s all I got I can call my own.”

  “Where you from?”

  “Nowhere.”

  “Isn’t that the same place you’re goin’?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Food up!” the cook called out. Jan walked to the service counter and picked up the plate and cup. She carried it back to Maddie and placed it in front of her. “Anything else you need?”

  “No. Thanks,” Maddie said, picking up half the sandwich and biting into it. She savored the taste as she chewed slowly. She dipped a spoon into the soup and blew on it to cool it. The soup mixed with her sandwich tasted good as she urged her taste buds to forget the taste of prison food. She couldn’t keep a smile from crossing her lips when she finally sat back and took a relaxing breath. She reached into her pant pocket and pulled out a cigarette. She drew the smoke deeply into her lungs and held it a moment before expelling a long blue-gray stream of smoke. The perfect end to a perfect meal. She felt warmth surround her as she waited for Jan to bring her ticket. She pulled a dollar from her wallet and placed it on the counter after stacking her dishes and utensils, followed by her napkin. She brushed her sandwich crumbs into her hand and dropped them on top before pushing it away. She finished her glass of water and placed the glass neatly on top.

  “You a college student?” Jan asked as she stuffed the dollar into her pocket and picked up the dishes.

  Maddie shook her head.

  “Never seen anyone but college kids stack their plates up this way. Less work for me. How about a little dessert? Maybe a piece of pie with a cup of coffee?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “No charge,” Jan hastened to say. “We’ll just have to throw them away when we close anyway. The apple is pretty good.”

  “I gotta get on the road and find a place to sleep before it gets too late,” Maddie said as she slid off the stool and picked up her duffel.

  Jan placed the plates and silverware on the service counter and wiped her hands on a small towel as she followed Maddie to the cash register and rang up the sale. Maddie let her cigarette dangle from the corner of her mouth and reached for the wallet in her back pocket.

  “Two-fifty,” Jan said.

  “Pretty cheap.”

  “The cook opened one can and toasted two pieces of bread,” Jan shrugged with a smile.

  Maddie stuck the two quarters of change into her front pocket and moved to the front door.

  “See ya around,” Jan said.

  Maddie turned the doorknob and looked back at Jan. With a nod she said, “Doubt it.”

  Maddie stepped outside and took a deep breath before turning to her right and walking away, readjusting her duffel. The soup and sandwich had filled her stomach and made her drowsy. She’d need to find a place to hunker down for the night. She’d feel more alert in the morning. A sign on the main highway told her it was almost fifty miles to the next town, another place she’d never heard of. One step at a time, she thought. Wasn’t that all life really was anyway. One step at a time. One decision at a time. Maddie heard a low rumble and looked at the sky and saw lightning in the distance. The clean scent of ozone reminded her of stormy days on her parents’ farm in Nebraska and a light breeze ruffled her hair as she lowered her head to trudge on. A little water wouldn’t kill her. At least it would be clean and fresh and smell like freedom.

  The first fat drops of rain began sporadically two miles later. The access road she walked on had little traffic and few houses. She lowered her head and pressed forward. Off to her right lightning illuminated what looked like an abandoned shack. She made her way down a small slope and jumped over a ditch at the bottom. She could at least wait the storm out in the old shack.

  Water was dripping from her head by the time she stepped onto the front porch and ran her hands through her hair. The front door stood partially open and she pushed it farther slowly. The inside seemed dry and she dropped the duffel onto a dusty floor. She lit another cigarette and found an old milk crate to sit on. She carried it to the front porch and sat down to smoke as sheets of rain fell around her. When she finished her cigarette, she tossed it into a water puddle in front of the porch and stood up.

  Once inside she prepared a place in the corner of the front room and lay down, curling her body into a fetal position to remain warm. It wasn’t freezing, but the rain had managed to cool the air several degrees. She used the duffel as a pillow and was asleep within minutes. The usual noises she’d heard for the last ten years were gone. No screams in the night. No muffled talking. No grunts as women sought what pleasure they could get from a willing, or unwilling partner. Nothing other than the rain falling relentlessly on the old metal roof. She felt strangely safe and no dreams disturbed her sleep.

  Chapter Three

  THE SOUND OF birds chirping caused Maddie to blink her eyes open. Dust motes floated aimlessly in shafts of light that streamed into the old shack between cracks in the walls. She sat up and rubbed her hands over her face. There was no question that sleeping on the floor made her a little stiff, but she smiled when she realized no one had woke her up before she was ready to get up. She pulled the duffel into her lap and dug out a bottle of water. She took a long drink to get the taste of sleep out of her mouth, then dug out a granola bar she’d purchased the day before and opened it. She bit into it and walked onto the porch to eat it. That and maybe a cigarette would allow her to make it until lunch.

  She squinted into the harsh sunlight reflecting off puddles of water left by the thunderstorm from the night before after igniting a match and lighting a cigarette. She relished the idea of being able to light up whenever she wanted instead of the times she was allowed. She drew in a lungful of air and smiled at the freshness, the cleanness of everything around her, the freedom.

  Now all she had to do was find a way to pick up a few bucks so she could feed herself and put a roof over her head. Fleeting thoughts of lavish, five-star hotel rooms and seemingly unending buffets floated through her mind. She was so high or hungover most of the time she barely remembered them, but had once thought she was living the good life other people could only dream of. Too bad a probably good man had lost his life before Maddie woke up. The one thing prison taught her was that life was the cruelest bitch there was. You couldn’t escape it, but with a little luck, you might endure it.

  Halfway through her cigarette, Maddie watched several brightly painted tractor-trailers, followed by a line of vehicles towing trailers or campers, slow and turn onto a muddy road a few hundred yards from her temporary home. She flipped her cigarette into a puddle near the small porch and stood, stretched her arms over her five-eleven frame and interlocked her fingers, flexing her body back and from side-to-side to work the kinks from her muscles.

  She walked back into the shack and threw her few belongings into her duffel. She sat on the floor to pull on her socks and shoes, which were thankfully dry now. She fumbled through the duffel to locate her toothbrush and a
small tin of baking soda, then wandered out front and stepped off the porch toward the highway. The ditch she’d jumped over the night before had partially filled with water. She squatted down and dipped her hands into the run-off. She splashed the cold water on her face and wiped off the excess with her hand before pouring leftover water from her water bottle onto her toothbrush and dipping it into the tin of baking soda. The slightly salty taste of the baking soda tasted surprisingly refreshing. She rinsed out her mouth and swirled the toothbrush in the water again to clean off any excess soda. She thumped it against her thigh to remove the water as she turned back to the shack.

  She decided to have another cigarette and take the time to further assess her situation. She leaned against a dry-rotting post that held up a portion of the roof that covered the porch and looked around.

  She was near the outskirts of a mid-sized town. The road in front of the shack was four lanes and she was sure she would be able to hitch a ride. But to where? She knew she was still in Texas, probably near the Oklahoma border. If she went north, unless the geography had changed dramatically in the last ten years, there was nothing in Oklahoma for her. If she went west, eventually she might make it to New Mexico. Her options were limited at best.

  The sunshine beat down on everything around her, turning the landscape into a sauna. No matter what, she’d need to find a way to put a little cash in her pockets before she did anything else. Maybe she’d hang around a few days. At least she temporarily had a roof over her head. Better than nothin’, she thought with a shrug as she turned to walk into the old shack, address unknown.

  Maddie didn’t know how much time had passed when she heard voices yelling in the distance and the sound of hammers striking metal. She looked out a side window and spotted a group of small and medium trailers circled like a wagon train in a field just beyond the sagging barbed wire fence between her shack and the adjacent overgrown field and saw a small group of men swinging hand scythes to clear the underbrush away. Shortly, small campfires appeared, sending thin streams of smoke into the clear blue sky. Beyond the trailers, she saw what looked like a Ferris wheel rise gradually into the air, pulled erect by a couple of tractors.