Hotbox

by Delia Delaney

  She pressed her lips against my cheek and allowed the contact to linger for a few seconds. I wanted to pull her close and never let go, but she slowly took a step back. For the brief second I looked at her, I saw tears flowing down her cheeks again. Finally she turned around and left.

  I’m not even sure how long I remained standing there, numb, but at the same time feeling every pain I could possibly feel. Eventually I ended up on the bed, completely used up, and dying on the inside.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  It wasn’t even light out when I decided to take action the next morning. I had been thinking about Jayden all night, in between being in and out of a dreary, nearly unconscious crash. When I felt strong enough, I stood in the shower for a long time, the water too cold for any normal person to be comfortable with. My lips were blue and matched my fingertips, but I got dressed and climbed into my truck at four a.m. It didn’t matter what I did that day, but I had to at least make sure Jayden got home okay. The drive seemed long, and I tortured myself with images of her face; upset, yet willing to be there for me no matter what. I truly felt like I didn’t deserve her love. Putting her through the things that I had seemed so unjust.

  I didn’t even drive down her street past her house. From the end of the road I could see her car, and I turned around from there. The trip back to my house seemed quicker than the trip to hers, and as soon as I got home I packed a bag. I couldn’t risk being at the house if she stopped by before work. I ended up grabbing as much as I could because I wasn’t sure if I would be back. Without any order whatsoever, I packed what I could, loaded it all in my truck, and headed north to my father’s house.

  I couldn’t believe that I was actually hoping for Dean to call me. But I wanted him to tell me that I had passed the test, and the whole thing was just one more of his sick, twisted games. I had never hated someone so much in my entire life, and too many horrible, vindictive plots took hold of my thoughts.

  Dean really did call me a half-hour into the drive. I was stupid to even allow a tiny bit of hope to creep into my miserable soul when I answered the phone.

  “Very nicely played, Ty. I’m impressed. We kinda messed up, bro,” he chuckled. “You weren’t even supposed to come to. I don’t know if that was all you doing the talking, or the drugs, but it was great. I kind of thought I was gonna have to step in, you know? Your girl is a little fireball of mercy,” he laughed again. “But way to bring out the dark side, Ty. She even left a bit of those brand-new tires on the road when she left.”

  “So is this done, then?” I asked angrily. “She now hates me. Is that what you wanted to accomplish?”

  “Uh yep, pretty much. Now I can take a deep breath—” he did so, just to be dramatic, “—and continue on with things as planned.”

  “Which is?”

  “Ha, nice try. You wanted out of the organization, you got it.”

  “But not without consequences, right? You’re gonna control my life anyway, for as long as you’re allowed.”

  “Allowed? I can do whatever I want, Ty. I’m sick of you underestimating me. I got what I wanted, didn’t I? And now I get to go rub shoulders with the elite, and get a few bonuses along the way. And you, my unfortunate flunkie, are going to live a life all by your arrogant self. Payback’s a bitch, wouldn’t you say? Maybe next time you’ll think twice before you try using Olevsky against me. Looks like it came right back at ya. Stay away from her, Ty, or she’ll have you to thank for whatever else happens to her. I seem to recall a little bug allergy she has. You wouldn’t want her to be caught in a tricky situation while she’s all alone, would you?”

  He hung up before I could respond, so I took my phone and threw it against the passenger door.

  My father hardly even asked any questions. It was clear that the deed was done, and that Jayden no longer had me in her life. I crashed on a couch in the family room at the back of the house, where my father left me alone until almost three in the afternoon. The curtains were all drawn, making the room dark and desolate, but I sat on the couch in silence until my dad came into the room and sat down in a chair.

  “I’m so sorry, Tyler,” he finally said. “I…I don’t know what else to say.” He was actually crying, and he buried his face into his hands. “I wish I had a different life. It’s not fair that all of this has come down on you. I’m…so sorry.”

  I didn’t respond. I just stared straight ahead, almost wishing I could somehow make the pain go away in an instant. I even wondered if my father had anything stashed in the house that I could medicate myself with. But it didn’t seem likely, and I knew I couldn’t go that route anyway, even if I wanted to.

  I handled the weekend much the same, hating myself and desperately longing that something would change to get me out of the nightmare. I spent way too much time thinking about Jayden, but it was ironic that she was also the only thing that kept me from going completely over the edge. As much as it hurt to dream about her, she was still the only good thing in my life.

  Between my dad’s lectures about letting time pass, hoping for the best, and keeping myself thinking positive, I felt like I was in a facility for the mentally insane—or at the least, the chronically depressed. Although I didn’t speak or respond to any of my father’s one-sided conversations, I knew he was right. I even listened to him explain all of the things he went through when he lost my mother, and he told me that a lot of what I felt was exactly like what he had suffered.

  “This isn’t even the same thing,” I finally said. It was the first time I’d spoken after three days of silence. “I lost Jayden because of malicious, vindictive people. You lost mom to God. It’s totally different.”

  He was quiet for a moment, noticeably surprised that I’d finally spoken. But what he told me next completely blew me away.

  “Tyler, if it were only that, I think I could have handled it.” He had my attention as he released a very heavy sigh. “Your mother… Ty, your mom got pregnant when…when I wasn’t even around.”

  I didn’t even try to hide my shock.

  “We were separated at the time and I took off for a few weeks. I knew it wasn’t mine but… I loved her, and after a lot of struggles with our relationship, we decided to stay together. When she died giving birth to…someone else’s child…” He sighed again. “Well, I lost it. Let’s just say I understand what you’re going through, but I didn’t handle it very well. I didn’t handle it very well at all. I was filled with…hate and anger…and I let it all consume me. I hated him, and I blamed him for her death—”

  “Wait a minute,” I interrupted. “You knew who the father was? Who was it?”

  He looked at me long and hard, and I already knew the answer before he delivered it. I just didn’t want to believe it.

  “It had to be Kristof.”

  I almost hit the ceiling. “No! That is not true!” I jumped off the couch and paced to the window and back. “My mother had… She was pregnant with his kid!” I yelled. I laughed bitterly. “Well it’s a good thing the little monster is dead!”

  “Tyler!”

  “Are you kidding me? You really want Satan’s spawn roaming the earth? My brother? No, my half brother,” I corrected myself. “Wow, Dad, are you trying to cheer me up? Because learning that my mom had an affair with the devil himself and nearly had his child is a little much.”

  I shook my head and took a deep breath to calm myself down.

  “I only wanted you to know that I understand what you’re going through,” he said quietly. “These people have been the cause of so much pain in my life. I just wish there was something I could do to end it.”

  “Yeah, you and me both,” I growled. I sat down on the couch again. “Does he know?” I asked. “Olevsky? Does he know the kid was his?”

  My father remained quiet for a few seconds. “I honestly have no idea. He’s never made mention of it or even alluded to it in any way. He’s always kept track of your mom, and I know how he felt about her, but I never got the impression that
he knew. But you know that doesn’t mean anything. It’s probably a safe bet to assume he did know. You always have to expect that with him.”

  It bothered me that the first thing in my mind was how I could use that to my advantage. Maybe there was something there that I could use that would somehow get me somewhere. I was beginning to warp myself with their ways of thinking, and I knew it was a dangerous way to live.

  The doorbell rang and it startled me.

  “Pizza,” my dad informed me, and he left the room to go answer it.

  I remained on the couch, thinking. There had to be something I could do to make this all go away. There had to be some way to bring these people down. My thoughts rested on what Dean had said in the car the other day. Olevsky had a brother. Ivan. He was trying to help him somehow. I thought about Kristof and several of the things he had mentioned over the years about family. He had never known family until the Russian mafia brought him into their world. He was an orphan and they took him in as a teenager. Now he learned he had a brother… Was he desperate to get him into the states? If he didn’t already know, what would he think if he found out he almost had a son with my mother?

  I tried to think of any evidence that would suggest he knew she was pregnant with his kid. I couldn’t come up with anything. Sure he was a little nostalgic about his time with her. He admitted that he loved her and wanted her back. He anticipated that she and my father wouldn’t stay together, and that he could somehow become involved in her life again.

  I bristled. He could have been my stepfather if things had worked out differently. The son of a mobster… Would I still be the same person I was today? I had no idea. All I knew was that he had crept into my life somehow. Whether his intentions were to play the role of daddy or not, I didn’t know. But he planted himself in my life anyway, even though I already had a father—a father that drowned his sorrows in alcohol and took his frustrations out on me, but he was still my father. Olevsky could have eliminated him from my life, but he didn’t. Why? If he really wanted me under his wing, he could have very easily made it possible.

  But then again, my father made my life miserable. Kristof knew that. Maybe he somehow hoped that I would give up on my dad entirely, and look to someone else to fill that void in my life. My stomach turned. Isn’t that exactly what I had done? I’d finally had enough of my dad’s pathetic lifestyle and I gave up on him. I could accept frustration when it came to my father. I could accept disappointment and failures—I put up with it my entire life—but the day came when I wanted something better. I finally saw that my continuous attempts to pull him out of his messes hadn’t done him an ounce of good. I didn’t know what else I could do for him. Any mention of rehab had always sent him into a fit. I became so accustomed to the life that I had always known; I could never see the possibility that it could change.

  Baseball was a completely different world to me. When I was on a baseball field, it was the only place where I felt I belonged. When I had a bat in my hands, or a mitt on to catch, I had complete control of who I was and what I was doing. And I was good at it. It was the only thing that made sense to me, the only thing I had that made me feel like my life had meaning.

  Until I met Jayden. She opened up a side of me that I didn’t know existed. I always knew I was a pretty nice guy, and I tried to treat others with respect and consideration. But I never knew I could love someone so deeply. I never knew that I could make someone else feel loved so deeply, like she always told me I did. I couldn’t count how many times Matt’s words ran through my head. Yeah, a million guys probably could fall in love with her, but she chose me.

  I’d once felt like the luckiest guy in the world, but now… I felt terrible for wasting so much of her life on me.

  The next week went by. I was waiting for another call from Dean, hoping that something had changed and I could return to Jayden and plead for her forgiveness. By Saturday I was getting desperate, and I didn’t want to, but I called Kenny. That was a very dangerous phone call to make, being that Kenny Ross was Olevsky’s man, placed in the same type of position that Dean was, but with different responsibilities. Kenny ran the underground fight clubs. At one time he was one of Olevsky’s top prizefighters, but now, from years and years of brutal matches and age catching up with him, Kenny mostly just managed the scene instead. He had been through hell and back over a dozen times while under Olevsky’s control, and although Kenny was loyal to him in all aspects, he had a heart much like mine.

  “Hey it’s good to hear from you,” he said quietly. He was at home with his family but he went outside for some privacy. “I heard about what happened, man. I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m sorry to call you like this, but I just need to know if you’ve heard anything. What’s going on with Dean? Or Olevsky? I’ve expected someone to call me.”

  “Dean’s out of town,” he said. “The same day you left town, he left too. I doubt he’s still in the country, but I’m really not sure.”

  “Well, is there anything you can tell me? Please, Kenny, I just… I need to know what’s going on in the organization. I need to know what my future is going to be.”

  He paused for several seconds. I knew what I was asking was risky, but I couldn’t think of any other way to go about it. I couldn’t go back and find out for myself. Not with Jayden willing to forgive me and take me back. I prayed that she would still feel the same way when the all-clear was given—if that day ever came—but at the same time, I still subjected myself to living a life without her. After everything I put her through, I didn’t deserve her one bit.

  Finally Kenny said, “Look, Ty. I know how you feel. I really do. You’re desperate and you don’t know what else to do. You can’t call anyone else because that’s just the way it goes, and waiting for someone else to decide your fate is a real killer. I completely understand. But I can’t do this, man,” he sighed. “I wish I could help you out. Honestly. But I got a family, kid. This biz doesn’t allow for snitches. You understand what I’m saying?”

  My hopes deflated but I replied, “Yeah, I understand.”

  He paused again. “Look… All I can say is that ‘Levsky has me watching to see if you screw up. Do you get my drift? I got orders, Ty. If you two come near each other… It’s not gonna be good. You know he’s got eyes everywhere. Please let me report what he wants to hear, Ty. Okay? I’m so sorry, man. Really, I am.”

  It was just as I expected.

  “Dean is working on some heavy stuff right now,” he continued. “Kristof’s in Russia, and whatever’s going on over there is pretty intense. I’m not even sure where Dean is, but he’s supposed to be making it possible for someone very important to the boss to get over here, one way or another. I’m taking Dean’s place right now, making sure everything’s going smoothly on this end, and just doing any little thing I’ve been instructed to do.” He was quiet for a moment. “Well, there. I told you more than I should have. But Ty, I haven’t heard anything about your situation. I just know it happened and Dean was pretty happy about it. He really wants you to stay away from her, particularly because of her dad. I’m sorry, but I feel like it’s a good idea, too. You don’t want anything to happen to the people you care about, Ty. Trust me, it’s better to not have anything to lose, you know? I don’t have anything else to tell you, kid. Besides, like I said, I can’t be your snitch. I just…can’t risk it.”

  I nodded my head. “Yeah, I hear you. I don’t expect you to.” I thought for a few seconds, not knowing if I should continue on with what I wanted to ask, but I was impulsive and did it anyway. “Hey, Kenny… Could you do me a favor?”

  “Yeah, Ty, I’ll keep an eye on your girl. She’s gonna be just fine.”

  I exhaled. “Thanks.”

  I didn’t know what I expected him to do, but just hearing him agree gave me piece of mind. I hung up, not exactly feeling better, but willing to take my father’s advice and just give it a little more time. It had been nine days—nine agonizing, extremely painful days—but if
I could suffer through it a little longer, maybe there would be some sort of silver lining.

  I’d changed my phone number the day I left town. I didn’t want to risk having Jayden call me. I even bought an entirely new phone, just to avoid any kind of tampering like my old phone had probably gone through. If Dean wanted to get a hold of me he always found a way, but I couldn’t risk talking to anyone that I knew. I felt so disconnected from everything that had once been my life. My father also kept his number and information unlisted, but I was afraid that Jayden could somehow track me down if she wanted to. What if she got her dad involved? What if she ended up finding me, and someone in the organization found out?

  Every little possibility freaked me out, but the sick truth was that I almost felt better knowing I’d left her the way I did. It was for her own good, and I didn’t want to do it, but I hoped the brutality of what happened would keep her away.

  Monday found me in my father’s place of employment. I was really apprehensive about getting back to work. For one, I felt guilty about leaving Lou without even a warning. My father had taken care of it for me, and all I knew was that he told Lou I was taking care of some urgent family business, and my return was unknown. I knew that was going to get back to Jayden somehow, and I wasn’t sure what she was going think of it.

  The other reason I was so tentative about starting a new job was because it almost seemed like my old life was over. I was afraid of allowing something else to take the place of what existed before. All I wanted was my life with Jayden and my old job with Lou. I had the most disturbing feeling that things were never going to be the same again, and it was harder than hell to move on in order to pass the time.

  Jayden’s birthday was on the eighteenth, and I had a terrible time knowing I couldn’t be with her. I wasn’t sure how she was feeling about our situation—I hoped that she hated me because it was what I deserved—but I wanted for her to go on with things as usual. No doubt she’d be canceling the wedding, and as much as that tore me up inside, I decided it was best that we didn’t get married. Kenny’s family was threatened on a daily basis, and I knew I couldn’t handle having that happen to Jayden. Yes, no matter how screwed over my life was, I wanted what was best for her, and having me out of the picture was the best thing that could happen for her. I was angry with myself for having such ridiculous hopes; wanting a normal, happy life was the stupidest mistake I could have made. I’d put Jayden’s life in danger, and the lives of her friends and family.