Hotbox

by Delia Delaney

  I felt that I deserved this misery. I felt the punishment was justly warranted.

  The weekend came again, and my father made a trip south to take care of some loose ends for me. He closed up the rental agreement on my house and collected the last few things of mine that I hadn’t taken with me. My father really had come through for me, and I was deeply surprised at how important he had become in my life. He’d had his moments over the years, but the good times never lasted. These days he was completely clean and sober, he kept the house neat and tidy, and he actually kept me fed pretty well. If it hadn’t been for my father, I probably would have starved by now.

  One night, after working another eleven-hour day, we were both sitting in the kitchen eating a very late dinner. For whatever reason, I found myself opening up to him about things I had, for the most part, kept pretty private. I shared with him all my feelings about Jayden, which was nothing new, but I also revealed how I felt about falling in love with her, and what a big mistake I believed it to be.

  “Jayden saved my life,” he told me. “She wasn’t just the best thing that happened to you son, but she was the best thing that happened to me, as well. I saw how she made you feel; the happiness and optimism she inspired in you. I lived in a very dark, very vile place. After…nineteen years? –I finally saw what I had become. Just the idea of losing you for good… It really was a wakeup call. It took me almost twenty years to see what a pitiful piece of crap I had become.

  “But Jayden sparked a railway change in both of us. I know we’ve spoken about this before, but I just want to say it again. It’s a miracle you didn’t turn out like me, Ty, an absolute miracle. And you did that on your own, son. I had nothing to do with the man you’ve become. Jayden was kind of like…your reward, I guess, for being such a good person. The two of you were beautiful together, and I could see that she was going to bring you years and years of happiness. She inspired in me the desire to be a part of your life, maybe to someday share a part of your happiness. I knew I didn’t deserve it, but I wanted to at least try. She truly is a blessing to our family.”

  I wasn’t able to respond after that. It was almost too painful for me to hear, so I only nodded my head. I felt much of the same, and I had come to realize that Jayden had saved me as well. It was a difficult line to draw, but, even with all the misery that had come from it, my time with her had been a blessing in so many ways. I tried to focus on all the good that had come from being with her, and now… I truly did have a father again.

  Dean finally called me again the next week, but the news was still the same and my situation wasn’t going to change any time soon. He basically just told me to stay the hell out of town, threatened me extensively, and then hung up. I had never had much of a temper, but I was so pissed I punched a hole in the wall.

  I spent half of the next day repairing it.

  The holidays came and went. It was miserable, but I reminded myself that it was much like how my life was before Jayden. My life with her was like a dream, a dream I didn’t deserve, and now things were only back to normal again.

  I refrained from calling Kenny again. I didn’t want him to get caught talking to me on the sly. But he ended up calling me a few days after New Year’s.

  “I don’t have anything new for you,” he said right off the bat. “I just wanted to let you know that everything seems okay with your girl and her dad.”

  “What do you mean her dad?”

  “Oh. Well, there was some talk for a while about Joe Adams… I’m not sure what’s going on but Dean’s pretty fed up with all the surveillance the cops have all over the place, and pokin’ around too much. Dean thought maybe Jayden squealed a little, or tipped her dad off or somethin’. There wasn’t any proof of it. I had to do a lot of convincing to get him to shut up about it. He was spoutin’ off about teaching someone a lesson.”

  “So he was going to take Joe Adams out of the picture?” I scoffed. “What good would that do? There are dozens more to take his place.”

  “It’s more of a personal vengeance,” he reminded me. “That dirty cop Dean’s got in there, Roy Merrick, he’s a real piece of work. He’s getting a little demanding with his requests. He’s got a thing against Adams and wants Dean to take care of it. But the boss got wind of it and shut it down.”

  I let the information sink in for a moment. “So Merrick could have been the bug in Conlon’s ear, huh? Is he the reason I had to leave town?”

  “Sounds likely. Merrick is Conlon’s responsibility. Conlon brought him into the organization a few years ago, swearing to Kristof that he would do wonders for the business. And he has, no doubt. Merrick has become quite the asset and his services are unmatched. Kristof has never had someone on the inside that’s been so valuable to him. I have no doubt that Merrick might have had personal issues he wanted taken care of via the organization. But now that he’s become a little arrogant, I think Dean’s getting a bit worried. He doesn’t want Olevsky to know his mole has become a handful.”

  Again my mind was working like a criminal, and I was wondering if there was something I could do with the information.

  “How is Jayden doing?” I finally asked.

  There was a brief pause. “I think she’s all right.”

  “Why’d you pause?”

  He sighed. “Well… I’ve just heard stuff.”

  “Like what?” I pressed.

  “Just…office gossip, I guess. Everyone’s saying her fiancé dumped her and he couldn’t get out of town fast enough.”

  I groaned out loud.

  “She’s apparently not sayin’ anything about it, though,” he added. “I’ve heard she’s kind of…in zombie mode.”

  My heart twisted with pain. “Is this recent news, or from a few months ago?”

  “Recent, I guess. You know how she usually does a show or two every month with her friend? Shawn Mason? Well, I heard she keeps turning him down. She won’t perform anymore.”

  “Oh, Kenny.” I released a very heavy sigh. “I need to see her. I need to talk to her.”

  “Ty, don’t be telling me that crap! You know they’ll wanna know!”

  I sighed again. “What am I supposed to do?”

  “Nothing,” he growled firmly. “Just leave it alone. You come near her and there will be hell to pay. She’s fine, trust me. For now you just gotta live with it. In about a year Olevsky’s business is gonna be done and he’s retiring, man. That is classified, my friend. Don’t you ever repeat that. When the time comes, he’ll take care of loose ends. Trust me. I just want you to stay on his good side so he doesn’t have reason to get rid of you, too. You understand me?”

  It sure helped to have friends in the right places. Unfortunately Kenny was in a place he dreaded being in, but, like me, he was stuck. I hadn’t known what Olevsky’s plan was—a year—? but it made sense. Some of the changes he had been making lately completely supported this newest piece of information.

  For the next week I dwelt on what Kenny said about Jayden. I hoped it was just over-embellished and she really wasn’t as bad off as everyone said. Gossip seemed to have a way of getting out of hand, and Jayden had even told me that some of the people that worked with her thrived on spreading news.

  But the truth was revealed when I was at work on a Friday night. I was just finishing up with a car when Kent said there was someone there to see me. My stomach instantly dropped even though I had no time to wonder who it could be because I looked up to see Matt standing there, staring at me from across the garage.

  Chapter Forty

  Kent returned to his office, and besides Cole organizing a delivery in the parts room, there was no one else around us. Matt and I just stood there, staring at each other. It was so odd to see him there—someone from my “other” life—and I didn’t know how to react. It was really good to see him, but it also freaked me out at the same time. I had no idea how this was going to affect my future.

  Finally I began to clean up my workspace, just to keep myself occupi
ed. Matt slowly made his way deeper into the garage, and then sat down on a stool.

  “It’s good to see you,” he finally said. He waited for me to look at him.

  “How’d you find me?” I asked, wiping down tools at the same time.

  With a shrug he replied, “Well, I didn’t think you had it in you to stay away from a garage for too long. I just called all the garages in the area and asked for Ty.”

  I didn’t say anything in response, but I was wondering if Jayden had thought of the same thing. I knew she was smart enough to find me if she wanted to, and since she hadn’t, I was sure she was done with me. In a way that made me feel relieved, but my heart was still broken and I didn’t see it ever healing again.

  “I’m especially glad to see you aren’t dead or anything,” he said. It startled me, like he knew about my situation, but then he added, “Nobody’s seen you, or heard from you, for three months.”

  I only shrugged.

  He scoffed and shook his head. “What the hell’s going on, Ty? You run off, drop Jay like a sack of potatoes, for what? For this?” he motioned around the garage. “To work the same job, but in a different city?” It was silent for several seconds. “What, you’re not gonna talk to me?”

  “There’s nothing to say,” I replied. “I’m not meant to be with Jayden.”

  “Jesus Christ, Ty! I can’t even believe you said that! Do you even know what you’ve done, you selfish piece of shit? I should beat the hell out of you right now and drag your sorry ass back to town! Then you can see what you’ve done. Then you can see how bad you’ve hurt her. Then you can tell me you’re not meant to be with her!”

  It was like a punch to the stomach, nearly taking the wind right out of me. So it was true. She really was taking it pretty hard. Matt came all this way to track me down and rip me apart for what I had done.

  “I can’t be with her,” I hardly mumbled.

  He jumped up and slammed me against the wall, swearing at me again. “What is wrong with you?” he shouted. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to her! She’s not the same person anymore! She’s empty inside, walking around like there’s nothing left to her! Why would you do that to her?!”

  It was more than I could bear, and I knew he could see it on my face. His look changed as he studied me closely, and then he gradually let go of me. I knew I couldn’t hide it because I couldn’t even force myself to be the angry, inconsiderate jerk that I had been to Jayden. I had nothing left.

  “What is going on?” he asked in a softer tone. “Ty. Come on, man… I’m sorry I- I just…” He sighed and took a step back. There was silence for several seconds. I couldn’t look at him, but I felt him staring at me. “Are you in trouble?” he finally asked.

  I swallowed and looked at him briefly. His face had taken on a completely softer appearance and I was so torn up inside. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t know what to say or what damage it would end up causing.

  “Ty, you can talk to me. If there’s something going on… Just tell me what it is so all of this junk makes sense. If you don’t want me to tell anyone then I won’t, but just…talk to me, man.”

  I released a very shaky breath. “I can’t talk to you about it, Matt. It would…it would put your life in danger.”

  He gave me a very surprised look, and I instantly regretted opening the can of worms. He licked his lips as he stood there in contemplation, and then he took a seat on the stool again.

  “Ty… Whatever’s going on… Can you at least tell Jayden that it wasn’t her fault?”

  My eyes flashed his direction. “Of course it’s not her fault.”

  “Then tell her that! She thinks she did something wrong! All she understands is that you don’t want to be with her. She’s confused, man. She has absolutely no idea what happened, so you know Jay… She’s blaming herself for all sorts of things.”

  I took a deep breath as I stared at the floor. Yeah, I did know Jayden, and now that he said it out loud, I could see her taking the blame for what happened. I just didn’t want to believe it.

  “Ty, are you really doing drugs?”

  My reaction was instinctive, but before I could hide it, Matt had already witnessed it. But I chose not to reply with words.

  “Well,” he continued. “I highly doubted it, but you know, we all do stupid things. But I know you didn’t cheat on her, Ty. I would bet my life on that one. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but something’s not right. Even Jayden knows, but she’s just a little…too emotional to think clearly. She doesn’t even know where to begin. And she’s got her dad raining crap down on her about you, and she’s gotta listen to Chris. I’m the only one that she’s told about that night—you know, the girl and the drugs. She’s pretty set on protecting you, even though she doesn’t understand what happened. She loves you, Ty, no matter what. You gotta make sense of it all. Set the record straight.”

  What could I tell him that wouldn’t turn into a disaster? If I admitted that I was in trouble and he slipped up and told Jayden, what would she do to help me? I couldn’t risk finding out. One thing was clear: she still needed to stay away from me. But this meeting with Matt had turned out to be a huge mistake. He was already tipped off about how screwed up my life was. Maybe I could dig deep and force myself to be the jerk—cause him to hate me, too—but I honestly didn’t think he’d believe me.

  I felt I only had one option.

  I grabbed a stool and sat two feet away from him. Leaning onto my knees, I rubbed my face with my hands. “This is a matter of life and death,” I said quietly. “I’m not kidding you. I honestly and truly cannot tell you what’s going on. That’s the bottom line, okay? It’s not just my life that’s on the line; it’s everyone I care about. Especially Jayden.”

  He exhaled the breath he was holding.

  “That’s all I can tell you. I can’t be around Jay right now, and frankly, I don’t know if I ever can be. But Matt… You can’t tell her this, man. She’s… She’ll…” I sighed. “You know she’ll try to ‘save’ me from this, and I can’t risk that. Don’t even tell her you saw me. Please? Don’t even stick up for what I did, or even hint that it really wasn’t what it seemed. Please, Matt, I’m begging you. This is the only way I can protect her.”

  It was silent for quite a while, and finally he took another breath and quietly swore.

  “Matt, just…be there for her, okay? Convince her to move on and—” I choked on the idea and couldn’t even finish the sentence. I swallowed down the lump that had grown in my throat and stood up. “It really is good to see you, but you shouldn’t come back again, okay?”

  He stood up, too. “Do you have a different number? Can I just call? Can you call?”

  I wanted nothing more than to keep in touch, but it would be too painful for me. It wasn’t even safe to talk to him because it was hard enough to hide the truth. “I can’t do it, Matt. Just give it some time, okay?”

  I could see his jaw working in defiance. “Then maybe I’ll just keep paying you a visit. You know, to check up on you since you’re too busy to call.”

  “Matt, please. This is hard enough, okay? I don’t know if I can do it and…” I sighed. “Just let me think about it, okay?”

  After a long pause he nodded reluctantly. There was awkward silence for several seconds before he said, “You need anything? You doing okay, otherwise?”

  “Yeah, I’m doing fine. Just trying to keep busy and pass the time. My, uh, dad has been helping me out. It’s good to have him back in my life. He’s cleaned himself up. Things are good with him.”

  He nodded again. “That’s great, Ty.” It was silent again and then he said, “You are going to get her back someday, right? I mean you’re not giving up, are you?”

  I could only offer a very weak smile. “No, I’m not giving up hope. But this might take some time, and when it’s all said and done, I might not be the right guy for her anyway.”

  He shook his head. “I hope you don’t believe tha
t crap. She’d do anything for you, Ty. If I could just tell her to wait—”

  “You can’t. Then you’ll have to explain why you’re so optimistic, then you’ll have to explain that there’s something going on that you can’t explain, and then, if she hasn’t already gotten it out of you—”

  “Ty, all you have to tell her is that you can’t tell her. She’ll trust you! If you make her understand—”

  “I can’t take that risk. This is an uphill battle and I can’t win!”

  “Then I think you need to talk to her yourself. What if I get her here to see you—”

  “They’ll know,” I groaned.

  Just the mention of a “they” seemed to startle him. I think he finally realized that I was in some deep crap, and I wondered what exactly was going through his mind.

  “Matt, just put yourself in my shoes. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to her, or anyone she cares about. I can’t take any chances right now. I need it to be this way for now. Let her be angry with me, okay? Let her hate me and—”

  “She’ll never hate you,” he replied dryly. “Do you know she’s still wearing the ring?”

  I swallowed, and suddenly I was hit with a world of guilt and regret. Not that I hadn’t felt that already, but now it was about to drown me.