surrender to darkness

by E. M. Moore

  “—eat our feelings?” I suggested.

  He chuckled. “I suppose that’s one way to put it.” He reached up and smoothed away a rogue tear. “I am proud of you, Ariana.”

  “And mad,” I said, finishing a thought he didn’t look as if he wanted to say, but I remembered that look when he first got to me out in the arena.

  He nodded. “I’m trying not to be.”

  “You can feel however you want. I know I made a big decision on my own.”

  “And I know why you did.” He sighed. “It doesn’t change the fact that I love you.”

  I smiled at that. “I know. Nothing can change that for me either.”

  “You have more guts than anyone I know. I guess it would be nice if you just didn’t always act like it.” He fought back the strain in his voice and then shook his head. “Zeke woke up.”

  I sucked in a breath, my heart sinking. If I was in his position, I’d hate me right now. I don’t know how he could hate me anymore, but I’m sure it was possible. “And?”

  “Gregor told him he’d approved your scheme.”

  “He what?”

  Stephan pushed me back down on the cot as Christian continued to tell me what happened. “He told Zeke you and him devised this plan to throw Dumont’s fighter off.”

  My mouth dropped. If that wasn’t a terrible lie, I didn’t know what was. If we wanted to do something like that, we could’ve just let Zeke in on it and I wouldn’t have had to knock him out. “Your father’s a terrible liar.”

  “He’s not used to it, that’s for sure. He told me you asked him to send you in there and I think he feels guilty for telling you no, so this is his way of making it up to you. I guess Zeke woke up really pissed. Now that Gregor’s on your side, though, he might’ve just spared you some future grief.”

  Might have, but I wouldn’t bet on it. “That was…nice of him.”

  Nic came up behind Christian and put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I would’ve just kicked his ass.”

  “No need,” I said. “The obstacle course is where it started, and that’s where it’s going to end. After that, the best guard will be revealed.”

  “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,” Connor said, peeking around Nicolai. “Are you saying the obstacle course at The Fort is more important than this fight?”

  Even though it hurt to do so, I crossed my hands behind my head and smirked. “You got it. Winner takes all after that.”

  Outside, I heard my name being called, and then a, “Jeez, she’s got more security than Ravana himself.”

  I sat up. “Shannon?”

  The guys split up to allow me a view of the front of the tent and then Connor walked over to pull up the flap. Sure enough, Shannon with her fiery red hair and attitude stood just outside it, along with Liv and Evan. When she saw me, she rushed in. “Oh my God, I thought I was going to die when I saw you run out there. Zeke’s been telling everyone that he was the one fighting and then here you come. Holy shit. That was amazing. Are you okay? Of course, you’re okay. It’s all tied up now.”

  The energy of the three of them made me smile. Shannon bounced on her tippy toes as she regaled me with the nuances of the fight, telling me exactly when she thought I was going to lose, and then the exact moment she knew I was going to win. When she simulated the escape from mount position that Connor taught me, I looked over at him. He beamed. I mouthed, “I love you,” and he mouthed it right back.

  Just seeing my friends from The Fort settled some of my nerves. After this, we could all go back to normal like none of it ever happened. It would be a blip on the timeline of our lives, but it wasn’t going to define the rest of my life just like my mother’s death hadn’t defined me. We could live, and grow, and still have all those things I wanted to fight for. As Shannon rattled on and on about the other fights, I locked eyes with each of my princes and let their warmth and love fill me up.

  Tomorrow, I reminded myself. After tomorrow, there would be nothing to stop us from having exactly what we wanted.

  As long as Gregor won, of course.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I’d said it before, and I’d say it again: Thank God for Stephan’s miracle cream. I saw my face exactly once before he slathered it on me. It was terrifying. He’d gotten the swelling to go down with the ice and stitched up a spot on my brow where Clive had broken the skin open, but that didn’t make up for all the purple and blue bruising that marred my features. I blinked into the mirror, my reflection telling me the story of exactly what I’d gone through. Nothing else could’ve told it better, not even my memories which were flawed with the outcome. I’d won, so I’d underestimated what had happened out there.

  I grabbed my cell phone and took a selfie. It looked akin to a mug shot, but I wanted to remember what had actually happened. How hurt I’d really been. Adrenaline, coupled with Stephan’s quick work, and I’d barely even felt any pain to tell me I’d been through a war. This picture though, it spoke a million words to me. It told me how brutal the fight was, yet how strong the person who carried those bruises and stitches was. It told me that people could survive anything as long as they had the drive. It told me I was willing to go through hell for the ones I loved. Physical, photographable proof of that overwhelming connection was now at my hands whenever I needed it.

  I loved the Ravanas more than my own life.

  I certainly loved them more than my own ego. As soon as Stephan worked his vampire blood cream into my face, I watched as the bruising subsided. Instead of the bruising hues, my skin held more of a yellowish tint. By tomorrow, it would probably be gone completely.

  Tonight, however, was a night all about the Ravana family. Connor had gone to my room and brought me some clothes. He helped me dress and then threw my bloody, tattered tactical outfit in the trash next to the cot. As we worked, we shed any physical reminders of the fight altogether. Soon, I was just Ariana again in jeans and a tanktop. He helped me run a brush through my hair as I sat and stared at the wall. It was hard not to think about what was happening tomorrow. Surprisingly, I was already focused on that instead of thinking back on my own fight against death. It wasn’t my time anymore; it was Gregor’s.

  Connor kissed the top of my head. “There you go, Princess.”

  I reached back and ran a hand through the once matted mess and smiled. My fingers came out cleanly, no snarls or knots. I worked my hair back with my fingers into a pony tail before taking the hair tie around my wrist and wrapping the free strands into a messy bun. Connor came around the cot now, watching me as I put my hair up like I had a million times before. The muscles in my shoulders stretched and ached, but they were void of any serious pain.

  When I looked up, he pulled at a wild strand at the back of my hair, the corner of his mouth tipping up. His eyes traveled over my head, across my cheekbones, and finally met my own stare. He licked his lips, slowly, deliberately, as his mind worked behind those beautiful sea blue eyes. “I’ve been wanting to ask you something.”

  Unease settled in my stomach. Connor usually wasn’t the one to ask permission first. This sounded like he was setting me up for something big. “Yeah?”

  “Do you think…?” He sighed, looked to his left in exasperation, then asked, “Do you think Gregor can win?”

  My head reeled back. What a question. I felt the seriousness of it as he stared at me, his eyes like heavy blue weights. Reaching out, I took his hand in mine and squeezed. “Of course, he can. Connor, your father must be the best leader I’ve witnessed—in the vampire world and the human world. He’s exceptionally smart and although his bravery is more often said with words and decisions rather than physical actions, he has everything inside him to take on Dumont.”

  He swallowed. “Soren said he doesn’t know Dumont’s fighting style. We can’t tell Dad how to defeat him because we don’t know. The rest of our fighters had a vague understanding of the type of fighter they were going against. We had the upper hand then, but Gregor has nothing. Not one cl
ue to tell him what to look out for and how he should react to it.”

  I pressed my lips together, completely understanding Connor’s unease, but he was only seeing it through one angle. “But think of the reason behind that. It’s because Dumont doesn’t fight. That’s great for us. He doesn’t train, he doesn’t spar, he doesn’t fight. Dumont puts himself up on a pedestal over his people. By all of Soren’s memories, Dumont doesn’t have a style because he never thought he’d have to fight. Can you imagine what he must be thinking right now? He must be freaking out, and angry. When you’re angry, you make stupid decisions. When you’re stressed, you make stupid decisions.”

  His gaze lifted to meet mine. “You really think so?”

  I placed both my hands on his cheeks and pulled him forward. “I know so.”

  I smiled, hoping I was right. The last thing I wanted was for the princes and Isabelle to have to watch Gregor lose tomorrow. He wasn’t just the leader of this clan, he was the patriarch of the family. He was the foundation to their pillars of strength. The princes still looked up to him, and to take that away from them would be devastating. In my head, I pictured a fortress crumbling to the ground. When you took out its supports, there was nothing to lean against. Building them back up would take time. Fortunately, in my heart, I didn’t think we’d have that problem.

  Connor helped me off the cot and threaded his fingers through mine. “You ready, Princess?”

  I nodded eagerly. After Stephan, Christian, and Nicolai left an hour ago, I’d been missing them. Especially after seeing my face and that overpowering reminder that the fight could’ve ended much differently. I wanted them close to me tonight, and every night for that matter, but we would start with this one. We’d start with this precious evening, the night before the rest of our lives.

  The celebrations of our latest win rose up around us as we walked back into the Ravana estate from the triage tent. Bodies lined the stone halls, vampires and guards alike, some of them half tipsy with drink. When Connor and I walked by, they stopped and stared. More than a few came up to us and gave me their sincerest congratulations. I preferred those to the ones who just stared and pointed. It was as if I was a sideshow in a carnival with how some people reacted. The music was loud, and the voices carried throughout the estate. Even when we were past the worst of it, the joyous laughter still echoed in my ears. If this was what tonight was like, what would tomorrow bring?

  With one hand on my back, Connor lead me to the door that opened to the Ravana’s private quarters. Once inside with the door firmly closed behind us, nothing of the outside could be heard. It was tomb quiet until Stephan’s light chuckle came from the other room. My steps quickened, eager to make my way to them again. I turned into the adjacent room to find them all there, sitting in different ways across the furniture. Gregor stood as soon as we came into view. His large footsteps carried him to me within a matter of seconds and before I could comprehend what was happening, he towered over me and brought me into his arms. He squeezed. My breath caught in my throat, not from the fierceness of his hug, but from the unexpectedness of it. My hands came up awkwardly around his waist until he stepped away, his face in pure awe. “Ariana, I couldn’t be more thankful for what you did. You’ve allowed us our hope.”

  “Gregor,” Isabelle shamed. “You said we weren’t going to talk about the fights tonight.”

  He put his chin in the air, playful defiance burning in his eyes. “I said we weren’t going to talk about my fight tonight. We can praise Ariana any way we want.”

  My cheeks burned as the whole Ravana family stared back at me. Their expressions—all of their expressions—were easily recognizable, just astonishing coming from two of them. If I wasn’t mistaken, I saw across all six faces the same affection, the same love. Even in Gregor’s usually hard stare, I could see the softness of his feelings for me. His eyes appraised my body, looking under the surface to what might be lingering underneath and not to my outward wounds. True concern etched in his features. Isabelle, who’d been more forthcoming for her feelings for me, was smiling, her eyes shiny with unshed tears.

  I blinked, and the scene was still there. A family.

  A family I wasn’t an outsider in. I was on the inside, looking in from the inside and not the cold, harsh reality of the outside. This entire family cared for me more than I’d realized and I’d put my life in danger before even bothering to wonder if they did. Maybe Isabelle didn’t speak up for me just because she didn’t want her sons to get hurt, but because she didn’t want me to get hurt either. When Gregor said he couldn’t send me in to fight because of his sons, perhaps he was also saying he couldn’t sacrifice me for himself either.

  Connor broke the awkward silence as I gawked at them. Inching me forward, he said, “Good thing Stephan’s cream worked, right?” He made a face. “I thought we were in love with Quasimodo there for a second.”

  Stephan stood. “It wouldn’t matter to me if she looked like Quasimodo all the time.”

  Nicolai coughed into his hand. “Bullshit.”

  Isabelle snapped her head in his direction, and he just smiled back with his toothy grin that was impossible to be upset with.

  I rolled my eyes at them all, wanting nothing more than the spotlight to be off me. “Did I hear something about dessert?”

  Isabelle stood, setting her teacup down on the table in front of her. “Of course. We were just waiting. We weren’t sure how long you guys would be.” She picked up the skirt of her dress and made her way to the dining room. “Christian, can you help me for a moment?”

  He immediately stood from the settee and followed his mother into the other room, not before giving me a chaste kiss on the cheek as he passed. Gregor stepped back and opened his arms wide as an invitation to sit wherever I wanted in their spacious family room. I chose a spot between Stephan and Nicolai, lowering myself into the cushions carefully. I might need one or both of their help to get up when we were ready to leave. If I stayed in place, my muscles would lock up and start to ache. Nothing to fear, however, since I was sure Stephan had brought some of his cream into my room to use on whatever body part I wanted later.

  As we sat back, we watched Christian and Isabelle come in with tray after tray of culinary delicacies. I saw pie, and cake, and ice cream. My stomach grumbled, filling the room with an awkward echo. Gregor just laughed. “I guess fighting to the death makes one hungry. Remember that for tomorrow, my dear,” he said loudly to Isabelle who was in the other room. “I’m going to have to eat a whole feast when I’m done.”

  “Whatever you want, Gregor,” Isabelle said brightly, the amusement in her tone evident.

  The last tray was filled with little cups of chocolate pudding. Being the gentleman that Christian was, he asked me what I wanted and brought me back a scoop of ice cream and some pudding to snack on while everyone else got up to get theirs. Connor grumbled about Christian not getting him any and Christian rolled his eyes, “Next time you put your life on the line for us, I’ll get you dessert.”

  “Promise?”

  Christian peeked back at his brother, looking at him as if to say that scenario would never happen. Nonetheless, he smiled. “Promise.”

  The whole scene reminded me of happier times. I could live a lifetime hearing their brotherly banter and not have enough of it. I had a feeling Isabelle felt the same way. She sat on the edge of the couch, her beautiful face open and lively as she watched the exchange. Declining food herself, she stuck to her tea. She got up only once to get Gregor an individually wrapped cheesecake. He looked at her with fondness before peeling the wrapper back. He didn’t eat as much as his sons did, or even myself. Whether it was nerves, or thinking ahead to the fight tomorrow, he more than likely didn’t want the sugar equivalent to a Mack truck sloshing around his insides. It was probably for the best. Instead, they sat back, staring at us like two proud cockatoos, their hands never straying far from the other.

  Though we weren’t as lively as the parties going on outside
the private residence, we passed the time by telling childhood stories. I was mostly quiet, but I loved hearing the princes tell of the little nuances in their lives that popped into their heads. Of course, there would always be one who remembered it differently and in a slightly more beneficial way to his own part in the story, so a tiny argument wound ensue that made us all laugh even more.

  As the hour grew late, my eyes got heavier. Soon, I was drifting away on Stephan. I tried to fight it, but at some point, I gave up and cozied up to him as comfortable as I could get, wrapping my arm around his and placing my head on his shoulder at an angle that wouldn’t leave me with a sore neck. As I drifted in and out of consciousness, I noticed that the laughter turned to more serious talk. As Gregor wanted, the conversation never steered toward his fight, but stayed to the future. Not just any future, either. Isabelle and Gregor both were curious about our future plans.

  Did we intend to marry?

  Have children?

  What were my feelings on becoming a vampire?

  My eyes stayed closed even though my subconscious latched onto these questions. They didn’t bring fear, or hesitation. They brought an immeasurable eagerness for the path that lay ahead of us. The world was wide open and clear at our feet. We may not have the promise of the full safety of the clan yet, not until after tomorrow’s fight, but we had the Ravanas’ blessing. At some point over the last few months, they’d opened their hearts to me. I was no longer the human girl their sons wanted to bring into their world, but a fixture in their family. I was someone to bring into their future plans, and someone to tell stories about in the future on a night such as this.

  Isabelle’s soft voice carried through the expanse of the room. “One night, you’ll be telling stories to your children about what their mother did. If they’re anything like her, they won’t be shocked or surprised, but they’ll have that fire in their soul that makes them want to be like her. That makes them always want to strive for more and do better even when the odds seem like they’ll never be in their favor. We need more people like that in the world. Whether guard, or human, or vampire, we need people who will stick up for others, with the determination to do what’s right even at a cost to themselves.” There was a long silence until she said, “Yes, boys, I believe you have made a match beyond matches, and I am so very proud of you all.”