Mealtimes and Milestones
Page 8
I was so proud of her, because she was able to tell staff what she had done, but it scared me to think what was going through her mind, because it had seemed like such an ordinary morning. I have never experienced anything like this before. Although I have seriously thought about trying to kill myself in the past when I have just felt too low and helpless to carry on, it would take a lot for me to act on it, and I can understand why my friend did it – it is what anorexia makes you do.
It is scary to think this has happened because I have the image of this hospital as a sanctuary that can protect you from the outside world until you are ready to face it, a safe environment for all us young people to work on all our struggles and difficulties – but this has made me realize that it isn’t, and bad things can and do happen.
A special meeting was held later in the day to say that the young person was going to be OK, which was such a huge relief for the whole community. Many things had to be rearranged during the day, and the staff were surprised about the lack of anger coming from us. I think, though, when someone is hurt, it blocks out all other feelings and you can only worry until you know that they are safe, and I don’t think that this is something to get angry with them about – it was obviously a huge cry for help.
Along with that, there was also a new admission today who was on the tube, which brought up some really hard feelings about the past for me. It is really difficult to see someone else on the tube because I am still so tempted to go back and become reliant on it again, so today it was really hard to keep strong and focus on my own recovery." I hope that I never have to experience a similar day.
Thursday 8 November
I had a school meeting today with my key teacher and my parents which I was really worried about because I had a vision of it being the same as last time.
To be fair, it was nowhere near as bad, but it did leave me in quite a low mood. I find it really hard to talk about, because my school work means so much to me. It is like they are removing my harness which keeps me safe. Without it, I will have to understand myself, and there is going to be a period, until I discover the real me, when I won’t have a harness to keep me safe, but right now I don’t feel ready to take the leap and let go – I don’t know how or where to begin.
Friday 9 November
Nothing particularly happened today, but after snacks some people started to go home28 and it reminded me that it could be me next weekend!
Saturday 10 November
It was my day out today. We had a pre-trip talk. I felt quite patronized by my mum because she was worrying about what she should do if I didn’t eat. I am in a totally different mind frame now and whereas before if something was wrong I just wouldn’t eat, I can now recognize when I am finding it harder and I am prepared to talk this through, and try to rationalize my thoughts. I felt like she was expecting it to go wrong, which wasn’t helpful for me.
Lunch was made a bit harder because we went to the Science Museum in London, and the tables there are long, so we were on the same table as other families and I felt quite exposed by this,but I said this and my parents were able to help me by focusing on the fact that the other people probably weren’t taking any notice of us. This was really good. In fact, the worst part of the day was when Dad fell asleep and started snoring in the Imax cinema – how embarrassing!!!
Overall the day was really successful and really positive and I am able to see what I have achieved, which I know is going to help me to keep focused and persist on this journey.
Sunday 11 November
I saw one of my friends from school today which was really good. I think one reason why it is so helpful is because while I’m in an in-patient unit, it is much easier and tempting to compare myself (especially in size) with the other young people because we all have eating disorders. With my friends, though, I don’t, because they aren’t ill, so I am able to stop myself from comparing. We took loads of photos of each other and had loads of fun. It was the first time, though, that one of my friends had seen me without a tube. This was positive, but it still made me crave the tube, because I want people to know that I am still ill, and I can see that when I get this thought in my head, this is when it all goes spiralling out of control, but I can’t stop it, I can’t, it always comes for me.
I became very worried when my friend said that people at school were worried about another person who is showing ‘anorexic behaviours’. I can’t explain how it makes you feel, and I am going to sleep tonight crying on my own. God, I feel so alone. Isolated in my head. Trapped. I am worried and scared for my friend; I wouldn’t want this entrapment for any one of my friends. I don’t want anyone to go through the pain and struggle that I have to endure every day. I also feel cross. Jealous. This is MY illness and I don’t want to share it. Anorexia gives me a power, a gift that only a few people have. It makes me feel special and unique; it found me when I was lost. IT IS MINE, and mine ALONE.
Monday 12 November
I had case management today and I was told that I was probably going home next weekend, and I could start exercising in a few weeks. Although this was such great news, images of the past came flying back to haunt me, and still, still the illness seems so tempting . . .
Tuesday 13 November
I had a meeting with my key teacher today. I wanted to show her the work that I had received from my school and she wanted to tell me two things.
One was that she had spoken to my school and she was going to visit it and have a meeting either next Tuesday or the one after that. I then suggested that I would find it helpful to attend too, and she said that she would think about it.
The second thing was that a deadline would need to be set for my GCSE choices. The date would be confirmed after the meeting. Overall it was a really good meeting, especially the way she praised me for my progress and that I was really considering doing nine GCSEs instead of ten.
Wednesday 14 November
In therapy today we really focused on my beliefs around size. Why exactly do I see myself as so unattractive? It was really helpful to do this, and think of some counter-arguments in my black-and-white mind. Being able to recognize a healthy size is really helpful and so is telling myself to STOP when I can feel myself comparing.
Anorexia is a noose that just gets tighter and tighter around your mind, restricting your opinions and views. I can’t help thinking, though, that it will never completely loosen, and that I will always be restricted.
Thursday 15 November
It was decided today in my core team that I would go home and stay over for a night this weekend – I’m soooooo excited!!!!
Friday 16 November
I was of course pretty nervous about going home today, but also really excited.
I realized how much I should appreciate things. For example, we were stuck in a traffic jam on the way home, and while Mum was getting cross I was absolutely loving it, because I hadn’t seen one in four months – it was the same with street lamps, and I had forgotten my favourite radio station and my toothpaste when I got home was all dried up.
We saw my grandparents. Because we hadn’t told them that I was coming home, when we had almost reached their house Mum stopped the car and I got in the boot. Mum then went in to get them saying that she needed some help getting some things out of the boot of the car, and so Granddad opened it up and there I was! To be honest I think they were more shocked to see me than anything!!! It was really fun though!
My first meal went surprisingly well. But I couldn’t help but notice that the level of support dropped, which I did find hard. In the evening, we played Scrabble as a family which was really good, because it felt like there were three members in our family again – the fourth member, anorexia, had gone.
Saturday 17 November
In the morning, we went to the local town and then we came back and did a puzzle. What I noticed was how different meals were. In hospital everything is weighed, but here we just did it by eye, which feels really liberating.
I was quite upset when I got back to the hospital at the end of the afternoon because now I’ve had a taste of home I don’t want to let it go. I have seen my future and it feels good.
Sunday 18 November
Nothing happened today. It was incredibly dull!
Monday 19 November
In the evening one of the other young people and I were mucking around with our phones and recording ourselves singing. It felt really good to have a laugh and a giggle together, because it doesn’t happen very often.
Tuesday 20 November
I think that today I unconsciously made an effort to speak my mind, and I do feel a lot better for it.
The first time was in Morning Meeting when I said that it was unhelpful that we weren’t told about a new member of staff joining because I worry about what they think of me. The second was in Feelings Group, when I said that I felt helpless towards one of the other young people, whom I really want to try to help but don’t know how to. The third was at the table during tea when I told a member of staff my opinion about a young person who was struggling. I realized this evening that it is OK to say what I think, and no one is going to die from it, nothing truly catastrophic is going to happen.
In the evening my phone call home was quite upsetting because I felt confused and overwhelmed by what I was feeling. I am fed up with being in hospital, yet I know that I need to be here. I feel very vulnerable to my own thoughts and I am craving protection, which I just don’t feel that I am getting at the moment. I want to be wrapped up in a blanket and to have all negative things blocked out, but I am already wrapped up and smothered by a blanket of anorexia. I am taking that leap from the security of anorexia. I am in the transition period when I have seen the future but I am too scared of it. Right now I am between anorexia and health and I am not feeling like I have an identity or any protection.
Wednesday 21 November
In the evening, when I was in the shower room, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in just my pyjamas and I spontaneously burst into tears. I have such major issues with my body, and I feel so alone and ashamed of myself for being so fat. I am FAT, UGLY and a piece of NOTHING.
Thursday 22 November
We had family therapy today and we covered various topics. One of them was how we can support each other – how I could give feedback about what is helpful and unhelpful and how my parents can then learn from that. The therapist described it as a dance, where I have to lead and show my parents, and they follow.
We also discussed my self-doubt. I often say something but then doubt myself and regret it. I step out of the box, but then retreat into it again. We decided the way to combat this habit is for my parents to remind me when I do this.
Friday 23 November
I had my review today. It was decided that the balance owing for the school trip to Lanzarote would be paid to enable me to go. I am not denying the situation that I am in, and I know that it will be a big challenge. I know it will be, but I think that it is going to be such a big incentive for me. It was also decided that at Christmas I’ll probably have two shorter times at home. I can start exercising, and hopefully a discharge date will be some time in late February. It was such a positive review, but yet it all just felt so soon. I wanted to say STOP, but I couldn’t.
‘This is it. This is your opportunity, get out of here as quick as you can and then you can do what you want,’ the voice was telling me. Was this really my opportunity to slip back into my old ways?
My first reaction was to stop drinking, but I now know that this won’t get me anywhere, and I spoke to my case manager because I became really upset at lunch. She guessed that I might have found the review a bit much. It was reassuring to know that my recovery process would go at my pace, not theirs, and certainly not my anorexia’s pace. Reassurance was all I needed. As a result of the reassurance, I was able to combat the anorexia by saying that this is not an opportunity to slip back – this is an opportunity to get my life back.
Saturday 24 November
I’m at home for the weekend again, and today I did some exercise for the first time in about six months. I was of course a bit worried because I didn’t want this to be a trigger, so that it becomes an obsessive trait again. It was good doing it again. I feel that I am in a position where I can manage it. I was in the gym with a one-to-one coach, so I felt connected in a safe way, and in a secure environment. It opened my eyes to a new kind of exercise, because I have never been to a gym before. I realized that I could get fit without having to go on long runs on my own.
I have such bad memories of exercise. I would go because I had to, not because I wanted to. I couldn’t say no. I even had to go out in the snow once. I was so cold, freezing, but I had to keep going. The icy air whipped against my face and my whole body shivered, but I had to keep going.
This afternoon I went to my school and watched some rugby matches. Although I wanted to see some people, I was very nervous, and I felt really vulnerable. How would they know that I am still ill? I am not thin any more and I haven’t got a tube. I still want to be ill. I tried to push this thought away, but it is so tempting, and this voice always recurs.
We had dinner with my aunt and uncle. Once again I was in the same dilemma. This is what I need to do to get better, but how will they know that I am still hurting inside? My main feeling for today was vulnerability.
Sunday 25 November
Lunch was hard because we hadn’t decided on a pudding, which was unhelpful, because I like to know what I am expected to eat, so that I am prepared. I managed the pudding, but afterwards Mum said to me, ‘Are you proud of yourself?’
I didn’t really know how to answer. I wanted to be, I really did, but it is like I can’t let myself because that is bad, because I am fighting against my inner voice. It forbids all things positive.
Monday 26 November
I had a key session today which was very reflective. I wrote what being well and being ill meant. This is my list of answers:
Being well
Being ill
freedom
a sense of achievement
choice
protection
school/family and friends
security
vulnerability
self-esteem boost
acknowledgement
acknowledgement
‘Acknowledgement’ is in both lists because I feel that I get it in two different ways. One will be in admiration because I will have overcome one of the hardest things, and the other will be from my anorexia in appreciation of my struggles. Which one do I prefer, though? Part of anorexia is that it becomes a secure world to be in. It is like a rock, and as I move further towards health, I drift further away from this rock. I need to find another one because at the moment I feel I am just bobbing around in a huge sea waiting for someone to rescue me. So we also came up with possible rocks for me. They included Mum, Dad, friends, sport (in a healthy way) and my out-patient team. I just have to wait until I find the right rock, which may not even be one of these but something different.
Tuesday 27 November
In my school meeting I was able to hear the views of my school if I give up some GCSEs. This decision just feels so huge. I am starting to understand now that it is totally unrealistic to try to catch up on so much work after missing so much school, and I still don’t even know when I am going to go back yet. I was able to hear their opinions, and they were able to hear what GCSEs mean to me – security, self-esteem, a chance to prove myself and a sense of achievement (however, not as great as anorexia).
Afterwards, I saw some of my friends. I was really worried about seeing them because of this recurring feeling of ‘How will they know I’m ill?’ I don’t think I really tackled th
is feeling, partly because I don’t know how; instead I just pushed it away for the time being and concentrated on the support of my friends and how much they seem to value me.
Wednesday 28 November
Following my meeting yesterday I made my GCSE choice today. I am going to drop Geography and Latin, because these are the two subjects in which I haven’t been sent any work yet. This feels like such a big step because I am moving away from the security, the self-esteem, the chance to prove myself and the sense of achievement that I get from school work.
Thursday 29 November
I just found today that many things got to me, and that I was really alone. The signposts were there, offering the right direction to help, but I couldn’t, and didn’t want to, take it. I had been going in a steady horizontal line, but today each little thing just seemed to send me a step lower.
Me – how I felt today
Friday 30 November
I got home and I was making Christmas cards downstairs and my parents were disagreeing about redecorating my room. They are doing it as a ‘well done’ gift for when I hopefully get discharged, and a motivation for me in the meantime. I felt really sensitive about it, like it was all my fault. I just sat there pretending that I couldn’t hear anything even though my head was spinning with overwhelming guilt. I guess that it is just one of those situations that you can only experience at home, so it is probably going to be useful.