JK Rowling Is A Wizard

by Alex C. McDonald

  “So?” I said.

  “Your mother’s name is an anagram, just like in ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’,” said Jasper. “I am Lord Voldemort was an anagram of Tom Marvolo Riddle. Her name is an anagram too. If you rearrange the letters of your mother’s name it spells out My Son Is Lord Voldemort.”

  I had to pause for a minute as I let all of this information wash over me. I was in a stunned silence. So many pieces of astonishing events and information had happened to me in the past month and this was way out there, almost too coincidental. I hadn’t realized, but Beryl was staring at me and when I turned to look into her eyes a calmness came over me and then a smirk. I noticed she too, was beginning to smile and then we both suddenly burst out laughing.

  “Jasper, you have got to be kidding me,” I said.

  “I told you they weren’t going to believe you. Now you look ridiculous,” said Darius to his apprentice.

  “But it’s true, come on, that’s just too much of a coincidence,” said Jasper pleadingly.

  “Oh, yeah? What’s next Jasper? Are there horcruxes?” I said still laughing with Beryl.

  “Yeah, Jasper, what about Blibbering Humdingers or Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?” said Beryl, that hit my funny-bone intensely.

  “Enough!” said Darius who whisked his plumbing-pipe around and a few sparks flew out.

  “Hey, watch it!” said Beryl, who quickly pulled out her book ready to cast a spell. Darius eyed her up. “Go on, Darius, let’s see what you’ve got. You’ll be wishing there was a St. Mungo’s Hospital for magical maladies and injuries once I’ve finished with you.”

  “Fine,” said Darius who slowly put away his plumbing pipe. “But I know Beryl, I know it was you two that robbed that convenient store.”

  “What convenient store?” said Beryl. I loved how quick she was to deny it and lie, I felt like I was seizing up inside as if I wanted to blurt out a confession. Thank goodness she was here with me to do the talking.

  “Don’t act stupid Beryl. I tracked you there,” said Darius.

  “Were you there?” said Beryl.

  “Well, no, but I could see it on your phone,” said Darius.

  “So you weren’t there nor do you have evidence that we did it. Is there video surveillance of us taking money?” said Beryl. “Because these places have all the latest tech now, the footage gets sent to a central location.”

  “There is no footage, but there was a robbery,” said Darius. “Someone has lost their job over it.”

  “So what?” I said. “It wasn’t us.”

  Darius shot a look at me.

  “Wasn’t it?” said Darius.

  “No, it bloody well wasn’t,” I said, fueled by Beryl’s bravery to deny.

  “You want to track me, go and track me,” said Beryl who pulled out her phone and threw it as far away as she could. Darius grimaced, but I noticed something about him the way he was standing. It was like we were in a western movie about to duel, waiting for the other to pull their pistol out and fire. I had to move quick. Just before he reached for his plumbing pipe I pulled out my umbrella.

  “Dì-armachadh,” I said, Darius’ plumbing pipe flew out of his hand, far away from him. He watched as it landed loudly.

  “You just spoke Gaelic, you used a Gaelic magic spell. I have not heard anyone use these terms since Angus,” said Darius.

  “Want to hear another one?” I said threatening him. “Ghairm pipe.”

  It was a summoning spell. Darius’ plumbing pipe flew threw the air towards me and I caught it.

  “You’re a talented wizard, Sean and you’ve learnt fast. I can’t say I’m not impressed. You’ll be passing the wizard Master trials soon,” said Darius. “So what now?”

  “There is no dark-wizardry going on here, Master Darius,” I said, completely lying. “And I will give you the respect not to kill you now, a respect which I am not sure you were about to give me.”

  “You cannot be sure of that,” said Darius.

  “I’m going to be kind now and allow you and Japser to leave peacefully, but I am keeping your magical object,” I said.

  “You can’t be serious?” said Darius.

  “Master, should I?” said Jasper referring to his asthma inhaler.

  “If you want to die go ahead,” said Darius. Jasper didn’t try.

  “Leave and don’t bother us again. I’m insulted at all of your suggestions. And you Jasper, I see you again and you haress my girlfriend? Next time I will not be so calm,” I said, pointing my umbrella at him.

  “Come on, Jasper, let’s get out of here,” said Darius pulling Jasper away and then jogging off.

  “We should have killed them,” said Beryl.

  “We may still do that. I’m not going to let second-rate wizards stand in my way. Supposed-Uncle or not,” I said.

  At that moment, Abdul Rahmed Sarraf came walking out. Gleefully heading towards his Bently, after receiving a free expensive meal in return for him posting some Instagram photos.

  “Should we go and be bad-wizards?” said Beryl, referring to my previous comment before we robbed the convenient store.

  “Absolutely,” I said smiling.

  “Oh, Sean, you know, maybe your right, maybe we should look cool,” said Beryl who pulled a pair of sunglasses out of her pocket and handed them to me. I put them on and nodded.

  “Abdul Rahmed Sarraf?” I said walking towards him. Abdul turned to me and smiled.

  “Yes? Who are you?” said Abdul.

  “Oh, I’m a big fan of your photographs,” I said.

  “Oh thank you,” said Abdul. I then shot open my umbrella and hypnotized him, within minutes I had him on his phone to his bank manager wiring us five million pounds.

  We were instant millionaires, but we weren’t going to stop now. That five-million was just the beginning, within days we were set to make much, much more than that. The next step was to get a face to face with the board and CEO of APL Pharmaceuticals. Turned out, they were having a final meeting the following afternoon.

  “We’re going to be rich, Beryl, really, really, rich,” I said as we drove away in the back of a taxi.

  “I love you,” said Beryl.

  “What?” I said a little shocked.

  “You heard me. Jasper asked earlier and I didn’t want to say it in front of him, I wanted to say it to you first. I love you Sean Morris,” said Beryl.

  “I-I love you too, Beryl,” I said, we then kissed.

  Chapter 19

  Changing the Deal

  I had been listening to the financial market news all morning. It was all a buzz with one story, the Merger of APL Pharmaceuticals and Meryl Linchmann. I felt jittery in my suit.

  Beryl and I were about to try and change a huge corporate merger that may affect hundreds of workers and money markets. All for the benefit of ourselves.

  “Have you eaten today?” said Beryl, as we sat in the back of a stretched limousine we had splurged on, heading towards the headquarters of APL Pharmaceuticals.

  “I’ve had a couple of cups of tea,” I said.

  “Sean, we’re about to go into the dragon’s den and you’re not nourished enough,” said Beryl.

  “I’m fine, I don’t feel hungry at all,” I said.

  “Sean, you better not fuck this up,” said Beryl. I was shocked by Beryl’s words. Swearing right at me.

  “Hey, hang on, you’re here too,” I said.

  “Yeah, but this was your idea,” said Beryl.

  “Was it?” I said.

  “Yes, and you said this is our big chance. I’m here to support you, but you better be ready to use those magical gifts of yours,” said Beryl.

  “Well, what if I don’t, what if I totally mess this up?” I said. I had been up most of the night studying my father’s journal, writing down a list of possible spells to use. The thought though of this actually going completely pear-shaped kicked my anxiety into overdrive.

  “Well then, it’s over Sean, you yourself have s
aid this a big opportunity. This is more than just money, this is revenge, Sean. You’re never going to get a better opportunity than this,” said Beryl.

  “I’m feeling like I need to pull out,” I said. Beryl rolled her eyes and then pulled a zip bag out of her pocket.

  “Here take these,” she said handing me some pills.

  “What are they?” I said, looking at the six capsules she had just handed me.

  “They’ll help with the nerves,” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, but what exactly is in them? Magic?”

  “Sure, it’s magic Sean. Look, do you trust me or not?” said Beryl. I threw them into my mouth and quickly washed them down with a bottle of water. “There we are. All will be fine soon.”

  Something creeped me out about Beryl in that moment. I felt that this idea was completely mutual, but it suddenly felt like Beryl wouldn’t be interested in me if the flames hadn’t parted on that initiation day. As if she’s using me.

  “Beryl?” I said about to ask her the question.

  “Look,” said Beryl leaning into me seductively, ignoring my questioning. “When we’re done here I’m going to let you do things to me that most men only ever dream of.”

  She then leaned back and smiled, looking out at the streets of London. I sat there in stunned silence and did a massive Ron Weasley ‘gulp’. I could feel the nerves washing away from me as I began to think about what exactly her words meant. What did she have in mind? Who cares, those words of hers had for some reason reached me and I now felt a sudden rush of confidence flowing throw my veins. As if I could suddenly take on anything or anyone. I looked outside to the streets and then quickly wrenched open the window to the driver.

  “Stop here now,” I said.

  “Pardon me, sir?” said the driver.

  “STOP!” I screamed. The driver pushed hard down on the brakes.

  “Wait here,” I said, handing the driver a 100-pound note.

  “Um, thank you sir, but we’ve stopped in the middle of a busy street,” said the driver.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t be long,” I said. “If you wait, there’s another 50 for you.”

  I then stepped out of the limousine and, swinging my umbrella, strode towards a shop I had seen that was selling sunglasses.

  “Sean?” said Beryl. “What are you doing?”

  I ignored her amidst a chorus of angry drivers beeping their horns. I looked around briefly and grabbed an expensive pair of sunglasses that suited me perfectly. I then selected a pair for Beryl. I quickly paid for them and made my way back to the limo.

  “Oi!” shouted an angry driver who had been held up. “Do you think you own the bloody world or something?”

  I pulled down my sunglasses to look him straight in the eye. I then aimed my umbrella at him.

  “Droch aisling,” I said. My umbrella sent a pulse of magic towards the road-raging driver and he suddenly began to scream, I had sent a nightmare spell at him. He began brushing imaginary spiders off his shoulders. He jumped out of his car and ran off screaming down the street, as if being chased by an army of spiders. I hopped back into the limousine, threw the driver another fifty quid and handed Beryl her sunglasses. “Put these on. Remember last night I said that we needed sunglasses?”

  “Feeling a little more confident, are we?” said Beryl, as she put her sunglasses on.

  “Yeah, I am, love,” I said as I reached for a bottle of champagne that had been chilling in ice. “Champagne?”

  “Why not?” said Beryl. I poured two glasses of champagne and we drove closer to our destination.

  “Here we are sir,” said the driver who pulled up outside the office of APL Pharmaceuticals. I threw back the rest of my champagne as the driver opened the door for me. I climbed out and adjusted my jacket. I then put my hand out for Beryl to help her out.

  “Are you ready for this?” said Beryl, looking at the office.

  “Let’s go and get rich,” I said. Taking her hand I then walked confidently towards the front door. So confidently that I walked straight into the glass doors. “Ow!”

  “Sean, are you all right?” said Beryl.

  “No, these bloody doors didn’t open,” I said.

  “They’re secured doors, Sean. You need a code to open them,” said Beryl, pointing towards a numbered control panel next to the door.

  “Well, what’s the code?” I said rubbing my sore nose.

  “Look, keep that confidence going. I’ll get this one,” said Beryl, who then pulled out her Harry Potter book. “Alohomora.”

  The doors flew open and we then walked across the foyer to the front desk, where the secretary was looking at us with confusion.

  “Who are you?” said the secretary obviously feeling a little alarmed at the fact the doors just magically flung open after I walked straight into them.

  “We’re here for the meeting,” I said.

  “What meeting?” said the secretary.

  “The board meeting,” I said.

  “Um, I’m just going to call security,” said the woman. I quickly pulled out my umbrella.

  “Fhirinn,” I said casting a truth spell on the woman. She looked a little stunned at my spell. “So is there a meeting or not?”

  “Yes,” said the secretary who quickly covered her mouth in shock at saying something she didn’t mean to. “I mean, it’s a big one. The final one, before the merger. Going to pass all of the final amendments to make it official.”

  “Great,” I said. “And where exactly is this meeting taking place?”

  “Top floor, a little down the hallway to your left in the glass meeting room. Everyone important is there,” said the secretary.

  “Okay, well, you’ve been very helpful. Thank you very much,” I said.

  “Do you want to know another thing?” said the secretary.

  “Sure,” I said.

  “I cheated on my boyfriend this past weekend,” said the secretary, letting out a little laugh.

  “Oh, okay. Don’t really need to know that,” I said.

  “Yeah, and it wasn’t the first time. The best thing is that he has no idea at all and it’s his cousin I’m cheating on him with, oh, and his brother. But that was just once,” said the secretary.

  “Right, I think we’re going to go and catch the lift now,” I said.

  “You know what. I’m going to update my Facebook status and let everyone know,” said the secretary picking up her smartphone. She began to furiously type away.

  “Aren’t you going to stop this?” said Beryl.

  “Nah, it’s funny,” I said and then turned to the lift.

  “Wow, those pills I gave you are making you careless,” said Beryl, who turned to the secretary. “Obliviate.”

  She completely erased the secretary’s memory of us.

  “Pills?” I said.

  “Yeah, why do you think you’re suddenly feeling so confident? Or should I say arrogant,” said Beryl.

  “Well, whatever they are, they’re working a treat. Let’s get to this meeting,” I said.

  The lift took us to the very top floor. We didn’t say a word to each other as we ascended, as if we were preparing one another for the big bust that was about to occur. If we could pull this off, we could easily slide the initial funding back into Abdul Rahmed Sarraf’s account and he would be none the wiser and we would be so much the richer.

  The lift binged and the doors slid open. Without a second thought, I took the lead, meaningfully, down the hallway. A few workers gave us a glance, but were obviously not high-ranking enough to stop us and they shuffled off to their work cubicles. It kind of reminded me of my time at McKilsson and Stanley when I was a pencil pusher. It fueled an anger inside of me as I strode towards a glass walled room that was filled with very important looking men and women in expensive suits. Lyn Court, the CEO of APL Pharmaceuticals, was delivering a presentation to higher level managers and board members, who were sat crowded around a long table.

  “So we will pass around the
legal documents and if everyone could add their signature to each form it will finalise the merger and we can meet tomorrow with the board of Meryl Linchmann,” said Lyn Court.

  “Not so fast,” I said. All eyes were suddenly on me. “You can’t do this.”

  “I’m sorry, but who are you?” said Lyn Court after a brief silence where everyone was trying to figure out who exactly the two people, who had unceremoniously burst into the meeting, were.

  “You forgot something,” said Beryl, nudging me.

  “Oh yes, I do beg your pardon,” I said pulling out my umbrella.

  “Excuse me, but who are you?” demanded a red-faced bald man sat in the centre of the table.

  “No need for introductions really, because none of you are going to remember me. Cuimhn ‘char as àirde,” I said and magic flowed from my umbrella all around the room infecting all of the people in the meeting. They all looked at me with dumbfounded expressions.

  “Did it work?” said Beryl.

  “Everyone bark like a chicken,” I said.

  “Bark like a chicken? That’s absurd, do you mean cluck like a chicken?” said the same red-faced man.

  “Oh yes, that’s right. Everyone cluck like a chicken,” I said. Suddenly, like a chorus of chickens, every single one of those professional looking people began clucking away.

  “Very funny, Sean, now can we get down to business, I think we are beginning to get a bit of an audience,” said Beryl, referring to some inquisitive eyes looking in from the cubicles.

  “Right, everyone stop,” I said and they did. I then paced up and down the meeting room. “Now listen very carefully to these instructions, under no circumstances will any one sign the merger papers with Meryl Linchmann. You will tear all of the papers up and announce that you will no longer be merging with them and that APL Pharmaceuticals will stay independent. No matter what is said you will never ever merge with them. Not tomorrow, not next month and not next year. Does everyone understand?” I said.

  A few ‘yesses’ were said. I nodded.

  “Well, good then,” I said. “You will not remember me or my partner here. We will leave now and when you can no longer see us you will immediately begin to put measures in place to block this merger and develop plans to move forward as an individual corporation,” I said. “I wish everyone a very good night.”