A Garden Dream

by Jea Hawkins

  But she still should have gone to Emma, instead, and said something.

  With her hands flat on the floor, Emma held herself up over Crystal and looked down at her.

  “Don’t stop,” Crystal begged her, fingers clutching at Emma’s belt loops. “I need you.”

  “I know, but I have to.” Emma continued to examine her girlfriend’s features and then said, “I swear, you haven’t changed in all this time. You still look like that punk in senior year of high school and I still want to make out with you in that hideous old Malibu of yours.”

  “Well, you still look like the witch everyone can always rely on. I love that about you, Em.” Now it was Crystal who lifted her hands to Emma’s face. “The whole time you were taking care of your mom, I admired you so much. I was relieved, too, that I never have to do that for my parents since, well, I was a foster kid. You were the one and you’re still the only person I ever want to have strings attached to, the only person I want to make out with in a Malibu, or any vehicle for that matter. Got it?”

  Emma nodded. “Got it.”

  “Good.”

  Emma moved back and held Crystal’s hand as she sat up. They kissed again and then leaned against each other, heads together. “That thing tomorrow night,” Emma said, “I think we should go to it.”

  “What could it possibly be – getting high on peyote and channeling our spirit animals?” Crystal asked with a little snort of laughter.

  Emma couldn’t help but chuckle as well. “There’s only one way to find out.”

  Chapter 12

  After spending the next day wandering the shops downtown, they drove to the address listed on the card. The GPS told them it would take thirty minutes to get there, so Emma knew it certainly wasn’t in the downtown area. In fact, it seemed to be nowhere near Sedona, according to their first search online.

  “Good thing we gave ourselves plenty of time to get out here,” Crystal observed as Emma turned off the narrow two-lane paved road onto a dirt one that led up to a small house.

  “I can’t believe it’s literally in the middle of the desert. Maybe you were right about getting high on peyote,” Emma said.

  “Maybe. Are you up for that?”

  A small sigh escaped Emma’s lips. “I’m up for anything at this point. She told me if we came here tonight, we could get anything we need. The weird thing is, I’m not sure what I need.”

  “So maybe that’s what you need – to figure out what you need.” Crystal stuck her tongue out at Emma.

  “Jeez, that’s useful, not to mention redundant.” Emma put the truck in park just outside the house and looked at it. It looked like a modest bungalow, nothing special or fancy. Just a tidy little home out here among the brush and cacti, off the beaten path and with rolling hills of red earth behind it.

  Emma undid her seatbelt, but Crystal grasped her shoulder. “Wait. What if she’s a serial killer?”

  “What?” Emma shrieked and then lowered her voice. “Now you’re just being silly.”

  “No, think about it – two pretty, young women under the age of thirty, lured out into the middle of nowhere and why? So this woman can go all Buffalo Bill on us.”

  “That is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. You and your wild imagination.” Emma got out of the truck and motioned for Crystal to follow.

  Crystal hopped down and glanced back. “I guess we don’t need to lock it out here. Unless you think coyotes or jack rabbits will figure out how to steal it.” Her boots crunched across the dirt and Emma realized it was a sound she had missed – the way Crystal’s boot soles sounded when they brushed over dirt or gravel or smacked against the pavement.

  The boots had been around since she first met Crystal and Emma was surprised they had lasted this long. In a way, they were a symbol of their relationship, the leather only becoming more beautiful with time and use.

  Emma was the first to reach the door and she lifted her hand to knock lightly. From within, she heard the faint strains of flute music and low wolf howls. When the door opened, the music got slightly louder and she smiled.

  “Do you like what you hear?” The older woman stood there, this time wearing a flowing black dress with a sprinkling of silver stars along it from top to bottom. Emma didn’t know if she was referring to the music or the lovely dress that called to mind an image of the Mother Goddess, but Emma simply nodded. “Good. Then, won’t you both come in?”

  The woman held the door wider and beckoned to them. Emma walked into the small living room, drawn forward not just by the invitation, but the music and the smell of lavender incense. The lights were low and tea lights burned in on the coffee table, mantle, and a small altar in one corner.

  “Come this way. We’re doing this outside, ladies.”

  The woman closed the front door and then made her way ahead of them, leading them through the living room, a pristine kitchen, and then out to the backyard. They walked just over the crest of a hill and down into a slight valley. It was enough of a dip to hide the house from sight, while the rest of the desert opened up before them in one endless vista.

  A large stone circle already had a fire smoldering in the center and the woman gestured toward it. “This is where both of you will be made new again if you so choose.”

  Even though it was clear to Emma that this was a spiritual woman, she still couldn’t pinpoint her energy. She leaned close to Crystal and whispered, “Can you get a read on her at all?”

  Crystal shook her head vigorously. “Buffalo Bill, my friend.”

  “Hush, you.” Emma closed her eyes and focused on breathing through her nose. The desert air wasn’t as sultry as the summer nights back home. It was drier and earthier. It pulled her back to her center like nothing had in the past six months and, in another heartbeat, Emma knew.

  “What is it?”

  Clutching at Crystal’s arm, Emma turned to her and grinned widely. “She’s spirit, Crys. She’s all of the elements at once and more.”

  “Wow…” Crystal bit her lip and then smacked herself in the forehead. “I take back my Silence of the Lambs jokes.”

  “It takes more than that to offend me, ladies.” The woman turned and smiled at them, then opened her arms to indicate the fire. As if responding to her, the smoldering logs burst into flame, filling the valley with light. “Now, this is about the both of you. Let us begin.”

  Emma sank to her knees outside the circle, not sure if she was in the right place. Back home, she was accustomed to taking north, opening and closing the circle, and leading the invocations. In this place, though, she didn’t know where she belonged. A glance at the sky reminded her she was no expert in astronomy. She couldn’t even tell what constellations were overhead.

  “It doesn’t matter where you sit. All that matters is that you are here, ready to be reborn.” The woman flung a handful of something – herbs, perhaps – onto the fire. The flames leaped even higher and emitted a swirling, perfumed scent.

  She was right, Emma realized. Direction didn’t matter out here, nor did her life back home. In this moment, she was following a path greater than any she had ever walked. This was the fire from her vision, the desert night during which she would be cleansed and made whole again.

  “That’s not peyote, is it?” Crystal asked as she folded her legs at the knees and sank to the ground. Apparently, the enormity of the situation hadn’t impressed itself upon her just yet.

  The old woman chuckled. “You wish. That’s not the way I work.”

  Emma couldn’t hold back the snort and covered her face with her hands to stifle the next one.

  “You should allow yourself to laugh more often, Emma, something many earth witches need to remember. My, my, how you get caught up in this belief that you need to be so stoic all the time, I’ll never figure out. Don’t you understand that earth is just one of many elements, that it may be how you are, but it does not need to be who you are.”

  “Same here,” Crystal piped up and threw Emma a narrow-eyed
glance. “I mean, I appreciate the reliability aspect of having an earth witch for a partner, but I remember when we first got together. Everything was new and wonderful, and she gave herself over to it.”

  “Yes, she did.” The woman turned to Crystal and put her hands on her hips. “And then something important spiraled out of her control. How do you think that made her feel?”

  “Awful.” Crystal swallowed visibly. “Scared. Emma loves her mother and the idea of losing her was more than she could bear. I remember after the cancer diagnosis when Emma came home and told me. I thought she might actually cry for once, but she didn’t. She just sat there, with all these feelings flowing from her, but never giving release to them.”

  At those words, Emma felt her heart begin to hammer in her chest. She had never thought to talk to Crystal about her feelings because she figured Crystal already knew them. What she hadn’t counted on was how much her girlfriend had probably internalized them. She was, after all, a water witch. Emotions fueled her.

  “She wanted to take her mother’s place if she could. That was the worst part of all, but so like her.”

  “What?” Emma stared at her, open-mouthed. “I never… I never said anything like that.”

  Crystal looked at her, eyes misty. “You didn’t have to. I could tell. You love her and you have good reason to. She is your everything. She’s the person who gave life to you, who mentored you as a witch, and then gave you her blessing when you told her I was the one for you. Before me and the coven, your mother was your best friend.”

  “Yes, that’s right, and do you suppose you could have respected that, and the situation I was in at the time?”

  “Yes. All the yes,” Crystal said, leaning toward her and extending her hand. “But I needed you too, and I needed you to need me. Instead of including me, you pushed me away. I felt so helpless when all I wanted to do was be there for you.”

  The woman threw another handful of herbs on the fire and said, “Emma, why did you do that to her?”

  It was Emma’s turn to swallow, to moisten her mouth and throat before speaking. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to take care of someone with cancer? It consumes every bit of your energy. Everything inside and out is just drained, watching someone fight for their life for months.”

  “And do you have any idea how it feels to watch someone lose themselves to that kind of awful thing?” the woman responded.

  “Oh, heck yes. Crystal must have been devastated on my behalf. I can’t imagine what it was like coming home to me, and I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, so she wouldn’t have to feel them. But…” Emma finally looked at Crystal again and accepted her outstretched hand. “But you need those emotions. It’s how you connect and how you know where I’m at, especially when I don’t have the words or energy to share that with you. I’m sorry for holding back such a vital part of myself from you.”

  Crystal reached up with her other hand and pressed her palm to Emma’s face. It was such a sweet feeling, that soft skin on hers, and Emma closed her eyes so she could savor it. The sensation of Crystal’s thumb moving back and forth along her cheek made her tremble with need.

  “Ladies, you can never go back to what you had before. One act of misplaced passion has changed you irrevocably. One life in the balance turned everything upside down. Who you were six months ago, a year ago – that’s all changed now. Don’t even try to look at who you were seven years ago. You just can’t do that.”

  Emma swallowed and pressed her hand over Crystal’s. “What can we do, then? We don’t want to stay like this. We don’t want seven years of love to end this way.”

  “No, we don’t,” Crystal agreed. “It’s too precious to throw it all away. The last thing we want to do is waste our chance to have something so many other people don’t seem able to find.”

  “As you have both acknowledged your pain, your suffering, and your needs, as well as your desire to overcome them, then there is a chance for you. While you cannot go back to what once was, you can now create a new, stronger relationship.”

  Emma watched as the woman tossed more herbs over the fire and listened to the crackle of the flames. Every second was mesmerizing and brought them closer, she realized, to something new.

  “Like the strongest steel forged in fire, you must also temper yourself within the flames. You’ve spent the past few days breaking it all down, trying to figure it out. But rather than mend what is broken, it’s time to discard the pieces and build something new. This is where we begin.”

  Chapter 13

  They never made it back to the hotel room that night, and it didn’t take long for Emma to realize they weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Instead, they found themselves screaming at each other again, standing on opposite sides of the fire, tearing each other down with all the anger of territorial cats. They unleashed their frustration with words, words that cut like knives and brought tears to their eyes.

  Emma was neither proud of herself nor ashamed for what she said that night. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t said before. The only difference was the way she hurled those words like weapons, relieved to give honest voice to the anger inside of her without being judged for it.

  Crystal did the same, and even though her words wounded, Emma’s parried and thrust in return, until she sagged with exhaustion.

  When they were both on their knees, collapsed and crying, the woman finally spoke again. “You’re done with it now.” She held her hands over the fire and the flames lowered, then disappeared completely. Stooping over the fire pit, the woman picked something up out of it and circled to where Crystal knelt. “Take this.”

  Emma could not see what happened now that the fire was out, but then the woman continued walking until she stood in front of her. Without thinking, Emma held out both her hands. To her surprise, the coal dropped into her hand was cool to the touch.

  “Bury it,” the woman said. “I don’t care where you do it, but dig a hole with your perfect, lily-white hands, and bury it, along with all that anger you’ve allowed to build inside of you.”

  Emma rose to her feet and started walking. She didn’t know if she was walking toward or away from Crystal. When she felt like she was in the right place, she knelt and ran the fingers of one hand over the ground. It was loose, easy to scrape away the top layer. But Emma knew it would be hard and unyielding underneath, so she asked the earth to make way for her.

  “Please,” she whispered, “let me send all of my troubles back to you.”

  As she spoke, she heard her tears fall to the dirt. She felt the energy curl from her to the ground, sifting through the dirt. When she patted at the earth again, it was slightly wet from her tears, but there was a hole just deep and wide enough for the piece of coal. Emma set the dark chunk inside it and covered it with the freshly-dug dirt.

  “Thank you,” she told the earth.

  Sitting back on her heels felt good after hunching over first in sorrow and then to work. She straightened and looked up at the sky again. It was inky black and still filled with stars, but there was no moon to be seen. Of course, it was a dark moon. Normally, they didn’t work magick at this time of the month unless they had a reason to. A dark moon was a time of banishing negative energy, of undoing and remaking. Everything about this night made sense to her now.

  Still, Emma had no idea which way was north or south, east or west. She didn’t even know what time it was. So she crouched there, marveling at the stars above and waiting for some indication that she should move again.

  “Ladies,” the woman called to them.

  Emma rose to her feet and turned to see the fire burning again. She followed the light back to the circle and saw Crystal there on the opposite side, her face looking drawn and tired.

  “You may return to your hotel if you want or spend the night here. There is more work you need to do, but you no longer need me for it.”

  “But where would we sleep if we stayed?” Emma asked.

  “Here on
the ground. In the sleeping bags.” The woman pointed to two rolled lumps just behind her. “If you want my advice, I think you should do something you’ve never done before. You’re this close. Your first journey ends here if you let it. Start a new one now, as the moon enters its waxing phase.”

  Emma lowered her gaze to the fire and wished she could scry into it, see some sort of sign that told her how to proceed. With only instinct to guide her, she went with her gut feeling.

  “We’ll stay,” she said decisively. No sense in over thinking it. She had already thought far too much from the moment they hit the road until their impromptu ritual.

  “In the morning, then.” The woman nodded to them both and turned away from the fire, leaving them with the sleeping bags. Somehow she blended into the night just beyond the circle of light. Emma didn’t even hear her depart.

  “Ever been camping before?” she asked Crystal.

  “No.” The response was barely audible. “No,” Crystal repeated in a small voice. “I haven’t.”

  As Emma watched, Crystal sank to her knees, her body shaking.

  “I…” No other words followed, but raindrops did.

  Even though Emma had never visited the desert, she knew rain wasn’t a regular occurrence there. For someone like Crystal to trigger it, she must have been in desperate need of something to refuel her waning energy. Everything they had done that night had stripped them bare, had pulled them apart, not to put them together, but to renew them. But how?

  Emma knew what Crystal needed and as the raindrops fell, she went to her. She knelt at Crystal’s side, gathered her in her arms, and kissed her. Crystal tried to pull away from her, but Emma whispered, “We both need this. I need it as much as you do.”