No Way Back Today

by Eric Shoars

  Julie stares daggers at him while the other three furrow their brows wondering why he’s in such a hurry and what I’m driving at. “Do any of you remember T.E.L.L?”

  Todd, Laurel, and Lorelei look at me in a state of non-recollection. T.E.L.L is not ringing a bell. Not sure what I think about that. I hand the now flat piece of paper to Todd since he was so insistent in me getting to the point.

  “I...remember now. Oh good God, of course you kept this,” Todd snorts like a bull handing the paper to Seth without making eye contact.

  Seth examines the paper and shrugs, not knowing what he’s looking at, then passes it to his wife.

  Laurel takes the paper holding it in both hands. She studies it intently. The table remains silent and I become aware how quiet the entire restaurant is now too. My heart quickens its pace. Julie’s hand moves to my left thigh and gently squeezes in support.

  “This...this is that band...from 4th grade?” Laurel searches for confirmation of her recollection.

  “Correct,” I answer.

  Lorelei’s face shows a quizzical expression, a mix of amusement and curiosity. She leans over to view the picture with Laurel. She grasps the side of the paper with her right hand, turning it slightly to get a better look.

  Laurel releases the paper letting it rest on the table top. Seth is resting his chin on his hand deferring any comments until he sees what his wife thinks.

  “Oh. My. Goodness! Yes!” Lorelei exclaims. “I remember this. On the playground. You drew this to show us what our band would look like.” She lets go of the paper and returns to her previous sitting position satisfied her memory has not failed her.

  Laurel reaches across the table to hand the paper back to me. Her face is non-committal. My eye contact is with her but I can sense how tense Todd’s body language is. The count thus far is Lorelei, positive, Todd, negative, Laurel...hard to read.

  “You did all this to, what, show us a picture?” Todd breaks the silence.

  “Yeah...I’m a little confused by all of this.” Laurel seems to be leaning toward Todd’s side.

  Seth leans back in his chair and folds his arms. Everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  Deep breath in, deep breath out. “Let me tell you a story.” I share the Cliff Notes version of the tale of when I spoke to Aniko’s classes and sharing with them the story of The Band That Never Was. I’m hoping my friends have the same reaction Ani’s students had and that my friends will want to do something about it.

  Lorelei’s face goes from its normal bright to a muted empathy. “Eric, that’s horrible. Who would say that to a kid? So you never learned how to play drums?”

  “Not until a few months ago, no. One of the students in my sister’s class has been giving me drum lessons the past few months. But before that, no.”

  “That doesn’t seem like Trip at all. He was always good to me. Band was one of my highlights all through school,” are the first words Laurel utters since viewing the picture.

  “Yeah, me too,” Todd echoes. “But so what? You went through all this work to get us together to tell us about a 7th grade sob story about something you wanted to do in 4th grade and never did?” One thing hasn’t changed. Todd was never one to shy away from saying what he thinks.

  “Not exactly,” I answer. “The night after I told my story to Aniko’s classes, I couldn’t sleep. Somewhere in the night it dawned on me that it had been 40 years since the four of us were on that elementary school playground talking about being a band.”

  I pause to take a sip of iced tea. The sip gives me an opportunity to take stock of the effect my tale is having. Only Todd seems unmoved. Then it’s back to my explanation but then not.

  “Fine. You couldn’t sleep. Why are we here?” Todd presses.

  Rip the bandage off it is. “I want us to become the band. I want T.E.L.L to become a reality and for us to do a little reunion tour.” There. I said it. Julie grips my thigh a little tighter.

  Lorelei and Laurel’s eyes go wide and mouths hang open. Seth looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles. Todd rolls his eyes and sneers. Not exactly surprised by it but not thrilled either.

  “I don’t even know what to do with that statement,” Laurel says.

  “A band? At our age?” Lorelei lightly objects. “How would that work?”

  That’s the question and invitation I’ve been expecting. “Julie, would you please grab the packets out of your purse?”

  Julie releases my thigh so she can reach down to her oversized purse that sits on the floor between our chairs. She sits upright and hands me four comb-bound packets that contain the business plan for the band. I keep one copy and hand each one of my friends their own copy.

  “What’s this?” Todd asks.

  “The answer to Lorelei’s question,” I begin after handing Lorelei her copy last. “Listen, I’m not expecting us to become a band that constantly tours. But what if we played a few dates for fun, just to fulfill what we talked about as kids?”

  “What are we holding exactly?” Laurel asks. She still appears perplexed by what’s transpired the last few minutes.

  “It’s a business plan. I figured there’d be plenty of questions – understandably so – and I want to make sure I have this all laid out so you have a clear understanding about how this all works wrapped up in a nice, neat bow.”

  “You’re insane,” Todd says with all the sensitivity of a brick. “You want to have a reunion tour for a band that never was? And you barely play drums? You think you can play concert level in a handful of months?”

  “The reunion isn’t about performing. The reunion is about us getting back together – the four of us – and fulfilling a lifelong dream. And, yes, I think I can be ready for performing. I’m not claiming I’ll be the greatest drummer ever. But I’m not going to embarrass us either.” I finish the thought but casually drop another shoe. “That’s why I’ve kept the arrangement of the songs simple.”

  Laurel leans toward me. “The songs? What songs?”

  My focus turns to her but I include the others by turning my head as I respond. “I’ve been working with a freelancer to write and arrange some original songs for us. They’re based on our experiences and experiences with which our contemporaries can identify. The songs are in the back of the business plan packet.”

  “Are we still going to be called T.E.L.L?” Lorelei wonders. “Doesn’t that seem a little, well, childish? No offense.”

  “No, that’s okay. I get it and I agree. The new name of the band is Onions At A Crime Scene.”

  “Onions at a what now?” Laurel checks to make sure that her hearing hasn’t gone haywire.

  “Onions At A Crime Scene. Listen, I know it’s left field but it’s just off the wall enough to catch on. I can explain the origin of the name later. It’s secondary to the plan itself.”

  Lorelei chuckles in genuine amusement. “It is a bit goofy but a neat goofy.” She flips through the pages to gauge how many pages are in the packet. “I’ll play along.”

  Laurel comes back in. “What genre is this band...is Onions At A Crime Scene?”

  Todd smacks his right palm on the table. We all jump as do the people at the tables around us. “We are not a band! Am I the only one who thinks this – he’s – nuts?”

  Ignoring the outburst, I answer, “Think of the Mamas and the Papas meet ABBA meet Live.”

  Laurel says nothing. She is taking in information but not sharing what she thinks of it.

  Lorelei makes a face that conveys I may have just said the first rational thing she’s heard. “Interesting. Gotta admit, kinda liking it. Not there yet but warming up to the idea.”

  “Let me get this straight,” Todd cuts in without injuring the tabletop. “We have a new name, a genre and, apparently, some songs. Why do people care about seeing us play? We...” Todd stops himself. Lorelei, Julie, a
nd I smile. Todd catches what he said and starts again. “This imaginary band, why would people want to come see a concert of a band they’ve never heard of that has never performed before that has no hit songs?”

  Though he remains skeptical I take heart that he’s engaged. From a sales perspective, objections aren’t necessarily a no but a request for more information. I can give him that. As long as we’re all seated here, I’m still in the game.

  “It’s all about the dream. How many people are out there who are of our generation who gave up a dream for any number of reasons? Not only can we be an inspiration but a motivation for people to realize it’s not too late to chase and to accomplish their dreams.”

  “Even if that’s true,” Laurel pops in, “it doesn’t fully address Todd’s question.”

  “Think of it this way. The Grateful Dead didn’t have a Top 40 hit until 1987 and they were cultural icons by then. Even if we don’t have a hit single – if we have catchy songs that resonate with people – they will be drawn to our music...even if they’ve never heard the songs before or if they’ve been hits.”

  “That may be true 30 years ago before the internet,” Todd remains on the offensive, “but today with the internet people are going to look for us online and they’re going to find, what? Nothing?”

  My head shakes. “They’ll find enough. I have built a website that all searches will point to and people will find out about the history of the band, our album, interviews, tour dates, everything.”

  Laurel shakes her head trying to clear cobwebs. “What...what? Slow down. This is too much too fast.”

  Todd picks up her sentiment and runs with it. “We have an album? What interviews and tour dates? What the hell are you talking about?”

  My hands come up like I’m pushing against an invisible wall. “Not yet. But I’m thinking we can record the songs at some point and sell them on music streaming services. I’m confident we’ll book some tour dates that we can put on the site. Interviews with radio stations too. I have a lot of media contacts which will be helpful.”

  “Tour dates?” Lorelei queries. “How many tour dates and where?”

  “I’m thinking three. Like I said, I’m not suggesting we do this indefinitely. Just a few dates over a few months or so and call it done.” Lorelei keeps asking questions I really want to answer so I keep on going. “As far as where the gigs would be...Minneapolis, St. Louis, Chicago. Small clubs but certainly not dive bars. Nothing is set up but I’ve identified some possibilities. It’s all in there.”

  “No, no. Come back,” Todd directs. “Again, how are people going to find out about us in general to determine if they want to come to a performance?” He is like a dog with a bone on this.

  “You said ‘us’.” I can’t help but tweak the most skeptical member of our party. Todd gives me a weak glare, more his use of the word, ‘us’, not so much that I’m teasing him about it.

  “Part of my strategy is to use the Evel Knievel method of creating demand in an entertainment act.”

  “Evel Knievel?” Lorelei brings her eyes off the page. “As in the stunt rider?”

  “Correct.” Without skipping a beat, I provide the details on how Evel Knievel created demand for his stunt riding act when he was the first of his kind. I add that social media can help create a grassroots demand too.

  “But people are going to go on the internet and find almost nothing about a reunion tour for a band that hasn’t done anything in 40 years. I mean, ever,” Laurel says in case it hadn’t occurred to me.

  “Yes. How many times do people search for something and the more they can’t find the harder they try? It’s all curiosity and believing something must be out there...they just haven’t found it yet.”

  Todd comes back in like he’s Laurel’s tag team partner in this objection match. “Baloney. You know what? This is like...when was that?” Todd looks up to the ceiling searching his memory banks for the correct reference. “6th grade!” He looks at me. “Back in 6th grade we had that Bigfoot club. There were about half a dozen of us who met regularly to try to prove the existence of Bigfoot. We looked for articles in the Des Moines Register, National Geographic, you name it. We found nothing except maybe an article a year on some so-called sighting. Remember?”

  “I remember.”

  “We looked so damn hard and found nothing and we just kept looking. We never found anything and we just...kept...looking. Aw, crap.” I grin at my former best friend as he realizes he’s just made my point for me.

  Lorelei chuckles not missing the irony of Todd’s walking into my thesis. She grins at Todd. He shoots her a look of mild annoyance more out of embarrassment than irritation at her. She asks, “Let’s say we agree that this so-called reunion should happen. How do we actually know we can play together or even sound decent together?”

  Lorelei’s question makes me smile. This type of question goes to logistics not my sanity. Progress. “If, and I stress if, we are up for it I thought later we could go do some karaoke and find out. Maybe that’s how we make our decision on whether this is a go or no go.”

  “Band or not, I’d love to do some karaoke,” Lorelei lights up. “I’m up for that.”

  Laurel picks up her phone and checks the time. “Well, we certainly could do that. I’m not saying I’m in for this band thing but karaoke does sound fun.”

  I emphasize perhaps the most important point I can make here, “Hey, I’m not expecting any decisions tonight. None. Other than we sing karaoke. That’s it. I’m sorry to be throwing all this at you at once. I know this is out of the blue. I know this is a lot to take in. This is why I’ve done what I’ve done the way I’ve done it. But I realize you’re trying to process in a few moments what I’ve been working on for months.”

  Lorelei and Laurel exchange a look and then look toward Todd. They nod. Lorelei’s the most animated. Todd the least. An unexpected voice asks a question.

  “Hey,” Seth starts, “I know I’m not part of this band thing but I have a question because if Laurel’s involved then I’m involved.” He looks around to see if he can continue and, seeing no resistance, does. “Who’s paying for all of this?” Seth asks me. “You’ve incurred some costs. Probably spent a little bit up to this point but there will be more coming up. We on the hook for that?”

  Again this is a logistical question not a should this even happen question. I’m a bit surprised it’s taken this long for someone to ask about the money. “Thank you, Seth, I appreciate the question. First off, I didn’t come up with the idea to spend your money or take on any debt. I’d like us to break even at the very least but maybe make a little money.”

  Heads are nodding which is a positive sign. “My oldest daughter gave me the idea of getting the tour sponsored by an energy drink company. I mean, doesn’t every concert tour have a corporate sponsor? It’s...”

  “A corporate sponsor? You’ve officially lost it. A sponsor for a band that doesn’t exist…”

  “Todd, stop,” Lorelei sticks her arm out like she’s Diana Ross. “I want to hear this.”

  “There are two energy drink companies that responded to my initial inquiry, requesting formal proposals. At this moment, both are considering sponsoring the tour. If either comes through for us, all our expenses would be paid. Recording our songs in the studio, travel expenses...all of it.”

  Everyone at the table except Julie exhales in contemplation. A low murmur of conversation in the restaurant becomes noticeable. I’m not in sell mode anymore so I am only speaking when answering questions. Not sure how to take Julie’s silence other than quiet support. I wonder what she thinks about the others’ reactions at this point.

  “I know I’ve been skeptical...” Todd starts.

  “...borderline jerky...” Lorelei inserts.

  “...and I’m not saying you’re not crazy – but I’m a little less so. Still not on board but I’m not
dismissing it.”

  That’s a start. My gut told me Todd would be the tough sell before I ever set up this meeting. The fact he’s still thinking about it is a win in itself. Todd looks across the table at the two women. “What do you ladies think?”

  The two look at each other before responding. Lorelei answers Todd first. “The idea seems fun and I’m intrigued but I still have more questions before I’m committing to anything. Eric’s got a lot of legitimate answers. Laurel?”

  Laurel looks down at a business plan she hasn’t read. Laurel is a bottom line person and she is trying to bottom line my idea in her head as much as she can. “I’m with you, Lorelei. Intrigued is the word. But not ready to say yes. Seth, what do you think?”

  “All of this is a bit out there for me and I know we went to school together,” Seth turns and looks me in the eyes, “but I’m not sure I trust your motives with all the manipulating of circumstances and of people – including Laurel. But,” he says, turning his gaze back to his wife, “if you decide to do this, I’ll support it.”

  “I get it. I do. Your consideration is all I’m asking for tonight. No pressure,” I assure.

  Heather makes a return appearance. “No rush. Here’s your bill.” I pluck the debit card out of my wallet before anyone can react and place it on the little tray she’s holding and then send her on her way. Four surprised faces stare at me.

  “Hey, I told you I’m not here to spend your money. Julie and I invited you here, it’s our treat,” I tell them.

  “We’re happy to do it. Regardless of what happens, I’ve enjoyed being a small part of this journey and getting to know you all tonight.” Those are the first words Julie’s uttered since I dropped the Onions bombshell.

  Then the explosion truly happens. “What the hell is this?” Todd’s voice is loud enough that the rest of the patrons in Applebee’s fall silent. Todd ejects himself from his chair and in one motion, grabs me by my shirt, pulls me from my chair, and nearly lifts me off the floor before anyone knows what’s happening.