Shamed (A Ruthless Rebels MC Novella Book One)

by Michele, Ryan

  With a new determination, I climb out of the shower and dress in just my jeans, leaving my shirt and cut off. I brush my teeth with Kenie’s pink toothbrush just for fun and exit the room. Her mother’s room is two doors down and I open the door for my heart to break.

  Kenderly has climbed in bed to cocoon her mother while singing softly to the sobbing woman.

  I sit on the edge of the bed which makes Kenie stop and draws her mother’s attention to me.

  “Dixon,” her mother says on a hiccup from the crying.

  “Yes ma’am.”

  “You’ve grown.” She watches me but sits up to study me. Then before I can react, she’s in my arms hugging me tightly. “Oh, Dixon, how we’ve missed you.” Tenderly I wrap my arms around her in a soft embrace for the woman who has not been the same since losing her husband.

  She pulls back and looks at me. “He’s gone. My Joseph is gone.” She begins to cry again.

  “Yes ma’am, he is,” I reply, not sure what I’m supposed to do or say, but continue to hold her.

  “Do you have regrets, Dixon?”

  I nod.

  “So do I,” she whispers before squeezing me one last time and laying back down. She turns her back to Kenderly and shuts us both out as if we aren’t even in the same house much less the same room. Kenderly tries to hold her mom to which she pushes her off. She tries to sing again which gets absolutely no reaction.

  Her mom has checked out once more.

  I look to the woman who I have always loved and see how broken she is. This is the most helpless feeling in the world. I scoot off the bed and make my way out front.

  I need a fucking cigarette.

  I’m on the front porch inhaling my second puff when Shamus comes over from his bike.

  “Long night, brother?”

  I exhale and nod my head, the weariness from everything that has happened so fast is beginning to weigh me down.

  “You sure fuckin’ Kenderly was a smart move?”

  My stomach clinches and my abs flex at his words. “Is anything with Kenie a smart move on my part?”

  “You realize what you did, right?”

  I suck hard on the filter taking a deep, long drag knowing the nicotine and menthol will fill my lungs to capacity. It’s better to suffocate on this than fuckin’ emotions.

  Shamus doesn’t let up. “You claimed her. Does she realize what the fuck that means?”

  I don’t answer, I simply let the smoke exit my nose nice and slow, tickling my nose hairs and making me almost feel the need to force it out faster.

  “Thumper approved it at the call from Bender’s crew. She’s Ruthless, DJ. I think you need to tell her that.”

  “Shit happened so fast. I did the first thing that felt right to protect her with Bender closing in.”

  Shamus slaps me hard on the shoulder leaving his hand squeezing the top. “Shit felt right, shit feels right, now go fuckin’ make it right.” He looks out into the front yard. “We gave up a lot to be a Rebel. Kenderly was your biggest sacrifice. Thumper never meant for you to lose it for good. It was a test then and you passed. The test now is to see if you’re gonna hold on to what’s suddenly right in the palm of your hand.” Then before I can answer, he steps away from me and onto the porch. “Gotta run, Thumper has a rotation in place until you can sort out getting her mom and her to the clubhouse. When Grinder and Skinny arrive, Clover and I are out.” He never looks at me, he just keeps walking to his bike leaving me to think.

  I knew to earn my patch, I had to show the club nothing came before being a Rebel. I also didn’t tell Kenie that all those years ago when I let her go. I know I passed the fuckin’ test, I have the family and the cut to show for it.

  Can I really have it all now? Sure I said she’s mine and I fuckin’ meant it, but can I make it real?

  Chapter 8

  Second chances are a first opportunity … for heartache!

  Tears stream down my face as I sit on my bed, elbows on my knees, hands through my hair hunched over. I can’t help her. I try. Damn, do I try. Nothing I do helps. Nothing I say or sing brings my mother back to me. Why did my life have to turn out his way? Where is my happy, because I sure as shit don’t have it right now.

  Sure, I had DJ last night, but that doesn’t say he’ll be here today or tomorrow; hell, even next week.

  “Baby,” DJ says and my tear streaked face pops up. He stayed. He didn’t leave. DJ didn’t go running at the sight of my mother and the way she is. He didn’t run from my failure of not being able to help her. But, for how long…

  He strides into the room, lifts me with ease and plants me on his lap. His warmth is a comfort that I so desperately need and I take it, rest my head on his chest, the thump of his heart like an instant calm.

  DJ holds me tight, not saying a word; it doesn’t take long before I pull myself together and swipe the mess from my face. It feels so good, too damn good, having someone to rely on – to depend on, even if it’s short lived. I haven’t had that much in life. Aunt Ruth does her best, but she has limits.

  Having strength wrapped around me like a hot blanket of safety is something I never knew I always wanted. I’ve missed him, so damn much.

  “I’m better,” I say quietly into his chest not lifting my head. If I can pull a few more moments of this, I’m going to take them. For once, I’m going to be a selfish bitch.

  He gives me a squeeze, “Just stay right where you are.”

  I heave out a shuttering breath and he picks me up like I weigh nothing, moves to the top of the bed and rests his back on the headboard. I try to move, but his grip tightens telling me without words not to move. He manhandles me into a comfortable position with his legs out in front of him and me on his lap. The care he’s giving me in this moment warms my heart.

  “Time to talk.” His words reverberate in his chest and I feel the rumble on my cheek. There is so much to talk about and I really don’t want to.

  “Can’t we just pretend that everything is as it should be. Just for now?” One can hope. One can dream. One can also be crushed.

  “Sorry Kenie. Need to get this shit out there and in the open,” he responds, sending an unwanted chill down my spine causing me to shiver which I know he felt. I wouldn’t listen before when he left me. I hated him too much, felt too raw. I wanted him to hurt, but had no way of doing it. He killed me that day, breaking my heart and then taking the pieces of it with him. I really don’t want to relive that. Ever.

  His chest rises, then falls with his breaths and his arms give me a squeeze before words come from his lips. “Last night, I put a claim on you.”

  My first thought is relief, yes he’s not talking about the past, but then with his words that stops.

  “You did what?” I ask, lifting my head up to look at him, missing his warmth. Somehow he maneuvers me so I’m straddling him and looking him dead in the face.

  “Claimed you. Something I wish I could’ve done a long time ago, but it’s done now. You’re mine.”

  Heat rises to my cheeks and grip his shoulders. “I’m what? What are you talking about, DJ?”

  “Know your new to the club life. Claiming you means you’re mine to take care of, cherish, and love. You’re mine to watch out for and protect. My brother’s and my club will do the same.”

  “Okay,” I take a deep breath as I feel like my head is spinning around and around like a top twisting wildly on a table top. “DJ,” I try to be calm, be rational … be an adult. “Things aren’t like that. You can’t simply look at me and say, ‘Kenie, you’re mine’, poof unicorns shoot glitter out their asses and we sleep on rainbows.”

  “Fuckin’ love that mouth,” he smirks.

  “DJ, I wanna slap that look off your face right now!” I get frustrated and wiggle to try to get space, only his fingertips press firmly into my thighs keeping me in place. In this position I can feel him growing under me and my body comes alive with need.

  “No you don’t,” he fires back, “In fact, I
don’t think you wanna do anything to this face but put it between your legs.” He laughs almost arrogantly. It only turns me on more. “I would bet if I stripped you down right now, I could put my face between your thighs, use my tongue to part your lips and lap your pussy like the fuckin’ dog I am and within minutes I’d have you ready to agree to anything, including this.”

  “DJ,” I try to calm my voice while my body simply wants to let him do all those delicious things. “We aren’t the same people anymore.”

  “Nope, we’re not. Doesn’t mean it changes a damn thing. My life, my world, I protect what’s mine. I do that by making it known. That’s done. You’re mine, I just need you to get on board with that so we can handle what comes next.”

  I cup his face with my hands. The feel of his beard against the soft skin of my palm has me wanting to get lost with him, but reality bites and things aren’t as simple as he’s making them sound. “Dixon James Cartwright,” he only leans his head against my headboard and smiles, “just because you speak it doesn’t mean it’s just,” I snap my fingers and instantly wish my hands were still on his beard, “poof happens.”

  “Baby, you gotta listen to the words that are comin’ outta my mouth. It’s already done. Now, you and me can make the best of it.” He rocks up slightly and his rock hard erection hits me in all the right places through the thin cotton pants I have on.

  He grips my hips sliding me up and down his length. A moan escapes involuntarily as his delicious torture continues. I find his fingertips leaving my hips but I continue gliding over him getting off on the friction. I get so lost in sensation, I have to use my hands on his abs to steady myself while I rock working myself up. The muscles flex under me only making me want him more. His thumbs trace the thin fabric of my cami making my nipples poke out painfully.

  “Kenie,” he whispers my name. “Gonna let me in there?”

  I bite my bottom lip as he moves one hand under my shirt to my naked breasts and the other down the waistband of my pants where he quickly dives between my wet heat and teases my clit only making me rock faster and harder against his hand. His finger traces the circle of my opening without going inside. My inner walls clench in need.

  “Kenie, baby, you ready? You gonna let me take care of you? Just gotta let me in, baby.”

  I’m so close. It’s building the fire, the heat, the burn, it’s all building inside me. One little move, one stroke of pleasure and I would go over the edge. I don’t speak, I can’t. Shamelessly, I grind against him.

  I’m so close.

  Without warning, his hands stop their movements and hit my hips, firmly holding me still.

  “Kenie, I’ll give you everything you need, but I gotta have the words. I need you to get that this isn’t just some game. This is real, this is the kinda shit that lasts, and it’s not something you go back on.”

  I cup his face again. I fight to steady my breathing. “No,” it comes out in a whisper. I’m losing my fight, my resolve not to cave to what I once dreamed of having with this man.

  “Not the right answer, Kenie.”

  I hang my head in defeat and wish he would loosen his grip enough for me to climb off and go hide in a closet or something. “I can’t let you break my heart again.”

  “Give me a second chance. I’m not the man I was and Kenie,” he tips my chin up to make me look at him. “You’re a Rebel now. When I claimed you, my club claimed you. None of us turn our back on that. I made the claim knowing this was it. No more waiting around wishing things would be different.”

  “Second chances just promise me another heart ache. I’ve had enough, thank you.” I use this opportunity to climb off him, only he rolls over on top of me pinning me beneath him.

  “Baby, this shit is for life. That enough commitment for you,” he replies firmly and I suddenly can’t catch my breath.

  I’m in over my head. He’s serious.

  “Now that I have your attention,” he begins calmly. “Kenderly Marie Hanson, it was never my intention for us to stay broken up. I had to show the club I would make any sacrifice necessary for my patch. You were the only thing that meant anything to me. I gave that up to have what I have today. Only you didn’t give me a chance to explain the goodbye wasn’t forever, I just had to give all my attention to the club. You needed more than I could give you at the time. I had to be man enough to let you go. It wasn’t supposed to be for eight years though.”

  Anger hits me, all the hurt from so long ago consumes me and I try to push him off me only he doesn’t budge. He didn’t mean it forever. What the hell!

  “You didn’t want to talk then, I see you don’t want to talk now, but get over it. I was stupid not to explain back then. I was stupid to walk away when you needed me the most. That’s on me, Kenie. You gonna let it be on you, that we could have everything we ever dreamed of and you’re the one walking away this time?”

  “You left me when I needed you the most.”

  He rests his forehead on mine with his eyes closed. He struggles with himself for a moment then opens his eyes to look right into mine. “I’m sorry, Kenie, baby, I am so sorry.”

  I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. My head spins with a thousand different emotions all tugging on my heart. Anger mixed with a lifetime of pain crumble together in a mesh.

  “Shit was hard for both of us. Worse for you. I watched you lose your dad. I held you the day you laid him in the ground. I watched as your mother couldn’t function. I watched you lose it all and yet, I still walked away. Baby, I was wrong not to explain shit when it was going down. I was young and dumb. At the time, I thought it was better to walk away and do what I needed to do while you had time to heal. I had to show the club I was willing to do anything. Baby, you’re all I had at the time. It was all I had to give up. It wasn’t easy. Shit, it was hell. When I tried to explain myself over the years, you’ve pushed me away. How many times were you too busy? How many times did you see me coming and turned to bolt in the other direction? But I’ve had time. I’ve lived life, I know better. I’ve grown as a man. I gave you space. I gave you time. I’m not walking away again. No matter how hard you push this time to shut me out, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Can I believe him? Can I somehow let him in? His lips press softly to mine. Do I really have a chance at something real?

  Chapter 9

  I’m in there, oh yeah, I’m home sweet home!

  The fear in her eyes guts me, slaying me like no knife could do because this is deeper. It’s the core of me, my soul. I hate knowing I’ve been the cause of her pain and uncertainty. One thing’s for sure, I’m never leaving Kenie again. She’s mine until I take my dying breath.

  “I loved you,” she whispers soundly with a hurt in them deep, the same pain bouncing off of me.

  “I love you with everything I have.” Her body jolts at my words. “You pushed me away and I won’t let that happen again. Ride or die, baby.”

  “You don’t even know me, DJ. I’m a different person than I was then.” I know this and I hate it all the same. Her life has been turmoil, one thing after another in a vicious cycle. Back then, though, I wasn’t the man she needed. The life of the club pulled me in deep, but my love for her never changed. I could have pressed her, damn I wanted to, but every time I even tried she’d lock me out. There was no getting through to her. The walls of Jericho paled in comparison to the walls she has built around herself over the years.

  My Kenie is stubborn as all hell, but with that stubbornness comes a loyalty that a man can only dream of. She doesn’t even know how perfect she is for my life. She’ll learn sooner rather than later.

  “You’re wrong. Just because you didn’t see me, doesn’t mean I wasn’t watchin’.” Her body shifts and her brow cocks. “Yeah baby. I checked in on ya, but I should have done more.”

  “It’s my fault,” she says softly a shift in her eyes moving to despair. “I did this. I kept us apart.”

  She did, but it’s not her fault. I
needed to grow up. “Kenie, it wasn’t our time then. It’s our time now.”

  “You leave me it’ll destroy me.” She shakes her head as my chest seizes. It’s a huge responsibility for a woman to give a man those words. The words that ultimately give a man power, yet is delicate and the most cherished thing as well.

  “I won’t destroy you.” I pull her lips to mine. “I’ll cut out my own fucking heart before I hurt you again.”

  Kenie’s tears fall from her eyes and I lick each one with my tongue catching them and wiping them away.

  “No more tears, baby. Trust me, I’ll do what’s right.”

  She leans in and kisses me hard and needy, her hands coming to the sides of my face. She tastes of a sweetness I can only and will only get from my girl. My cock strains growing with each movement of her mouth on mine.

  “Lips, around my cock.” I flip so I’m on my back with Kenie above me.

  My girl gives me the sexist grin before rolling us over. There she begins to kiss down my body. Each touch of her lips is a brand on my flesh. I crave more. Her tongue darts out licking between my pecks and down my torso.

  My control snaps. Moving quickly, I flip her to her back and she gives out a sharp cry then stifles it. I stretch up her body, my cock aligning with her mouth and push myself inside of her. One of Kenie’s hands comes to my hips, while the other reaches around the base of my cock.

  The warmth of her mouth over takes me. Using my arms and knees on either side of her body, I thrust in and out. The sounds coming from her mouth, the gagging at times, the intakes of breath—all of it making me harder.

  Her tongue circles my cock and she sucks in hard, making a vacuum around me, threatening to suck every bit of my come from my body.

  A loud pop echoes the room as I pull from her lips abruptly.

  “On your stomach.”