What I Never Knew

by CL Collier

  After I finish reading, I close the book and hand it back to her. “I wish I could have met your mom. She sounds like an amazing woman.” And that’s the truth. I’m not just saying that. I really would have liked to meet the woman who was my dad’s first love and who raised this woman I’m falling for.

  She takes the journal, placing it back on the coffee table. “She was. And if it wasn’t for her writing that journal, I would have never gone to Kernville and met you.”

  I smile at her, so thankful that happened. “That’s true. I’m so glad your mom wrote it for you.”

  “I am, too.”

  I reach over and take a strand of her hair in my hands, twirling it around my fingers absentmindedly. “Thanks for showing me around the city today.”

  She smiles. “You’re welcome. It was fun. I haven’t been to the Space Needle or on the Monorail in years.”

  “It was fun,” I say as I lean in a little closer to her. “But what I enjoyed most was spending time with you.”

  I slide my hand up to her cheek and press my lips to hers. Every time I kiss Amanda, I feel like it’s the first time again. Her lips feel so soft and gentle against mine, but she kisses me back with so much feeling. Her hands glide up my arms to my shoulders, then around my neck. She pulls me closer to her at the same time I wrap my other arm around her back and pull her closer to me.

  We belong together. Last night was confirmation for me when I made love to her. I’d thought about what it would be like for us to finally get to sleep together this weekend, but two months’ worth of fantasies didn’t even begin to compare to how amazing it really was. I know it’s not just because it’s been so long since I was with a woman. Two years is a fucking long time. It was more than that. I can’t explain why I feel this way; it’s just how it is. It feels right.

  Amanda starts pulling my shirt up, and I’m a goner. I’m hers. I’ll do whatever the fuck she wants me to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Amanda

  The next day is the football game. Laura offers to drive us there, since my house is on the way to the stadium from her house. We give Dax and Chris a hard time for wearing their San Francisco gear, taunting them to prepare for their Forty-Whiners to lose today. In turn, they tease Laura and me, saying the Seachickens are going to be the losers.

  The joke’s on them, though, because the Seahawks win.

  It’s interesting to watch Chris and Laura together. They obviously like each other, but they both seem a bit reserved, too. I wonder what’s going on between them? I can’t wait to talk to Laura about it, which probably won’t be until after we take the guys to the airport tomorrow.

  Ugh. I don’t even want to think about Dax leaving tomorrow. I don’t want him to go. I’ve enjoyed having him here with me.

  Since the game started early in the afternoon, it’s not too late when it ends. Chris suggests we go on the Great Wheel, which is Seattle’s large Ferris wheel. It’s out on a pier and moves riders up and over the water of Puget Sound. We all agree that sounds like fun, so we do that after the game.

  When we get there, Dax and I ride in our own gondola, so Chris and Laura get their own to ride in, too. It’s a romantic ride, sitting side by side with Dax’s arm around me, looking at the gorgeous view of Seattle. It’s another nice day out; the sun is starting to set, and Mt. Rainier is even visible. Dax is once again in awe of how beautiful the Pacific Northwest is.

  “When are we going to see each other again?” he asks me when we get to the very top of the Ferris wheel and it stops.

  “I have a three-day weekend for Veteran’s Day next month,” I tell him. “I could fly down and visit you this time. I have Monday off, so I can fly down after school on Friday and fly home on Monday.”

  “It sounds like you’ve already thought this through,” Dax says.

  “Maybe,” I say shyly, smiling at him.

  He kisses me, but as soon as the Ferris wheel starts moving again, we stop. The thing about the gondolas on this ride is that there are windows all around, so riders in other gondolas can see you. We don’t need to give people a show.

  “I like that you’re planning to visit me,” he says, smiling.

  “I hope you’ve had fun this weekend.”

  “Of course, I have,” he replies. “Especially last night and the night before … and the mornings have been really nice, too.” He kisses me briefly and smirks.

  I laugh at his response. “What about the times we’ve spent out of bed? Have you enjoyed those times, too?”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” he says. I elbow him in his side, and he laughs. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’ve loved spending every minute with you.”

  Did he say loved? Sure, he didn’t say it in the sense of he loves me, but the word came out of his mouth, and it got my attention. And I’m not freaking out as much as I thought I would.

  Dax and I can’t keep our hands off each other by the time we get back to my house. We don’t even make it up to my room before we’re both naked. We only make it as far as the staircase after ripping each other’s clothes off. This is something I’ve never done before: sex on the stairs. I’ve never been so needy with a man that we couldn’t even make it to the bedroom or at least to a piece of furniture.

  “Wait,” he says, pulling his lips away from mine. He’s sitting on a stair about halfway up to my second floor. I start kissing his neck. “Condom in my pants pocket.”

  I look at him, holding his face in my hands. His pants are somewhere in the living room. “I get the Depo shot,” I tell him. I haven’t had sex without a condom since my last serious boyfriend, and the thought of Dax and me taking our relationship to this level makes this long-distance thing we have going on feel more real … more committed.

  He smirks at me. “Are you saying we don’t need condoms anymore? I’m clean.”

  I smile as I nod my head, then crash my lips to his again, sinking down onto Dax’s length.

  Dax’s hands hold my waist tightly, helping set the rhythm to how fast I ride him. His lips trail kisses across my chest, then down to my breasts. He moves his right hand up to my left breast to massage it while he takes my right one in his mouth. I close my eyes as my head falls back, and I moan in pleasure. One thing’s for sure, no matter which way Dax and I have made love, had sex, or fucked this weekend, every time has been amazing and meaningful.

  We enjoy the rest of our night together, eventually moving off the stairs and going to my bedroom for another round of mind-blowing sex, which is followed by more satisfying rounds late into the night. We don’t get a lot of sleep, wanting to make the most of our time together before he goes back home tomorrow. When he says he loves making love to me, my heart flutters in my chest.

  I’ve never fallen for someone this quickly before, and I’m starting to think that’s what this really is. Could I be falling in love with Dax? We’ve known each other for a couple of months now, but have only seen each other in person a few times. Is it possible to fall for someone this quickly after having such limited face-to-face contact with them?

  I took Monday morning off work and got a half-day substitute so I could take Dax to the airport. Laura did the same. It’s harder for me to say goodbye to Dax than I thought it would be. We hold hands in the car on the way to the airport until he moves his hand up and rests it on the back of my neck, stroking it softly with his fingers. Chris and Laura are in the back seat, holding hands and talking quietly. They seem to be acting more like a couple than they did yesterday at the football game. I can’t wait to talk to Laura about how her weekend with Chris went once we drop the guys off.

  Not that I want to drop Dax off. I’m relieved we agreed to see each other again next month, but now that seems so far away.

  When we arrive at the airport, my heart starts beating faster. This is it; I only have another minute or two before we have to say goodbye. I pull up to the departures drop-off area. Laura and I get out of the car with the Dax and Chris, taking our time hugging and
kissing our men. The only thing that makes it a little more bearable for me to let Dax go is the promise that I’ll see him again in about a month.

  Laura and I talk on the way back to her house. “How was your weekend with Chris?” I ask her.

  She sighs and puts her head back against the headrest. “It was … amazing.”

  I glance over at her and smile, then look back at the road. “Are you two going to try to have a long-distance relationship now?”

  “I don’t know,” she says, her tone sounding more melancholy than before. “I guess we’re going to try. We said we’d visit each other again sometime, but I don’t know when that will be. Neither of us has the money to spend on traveling right now.”

  “Well, you can keep in touch anyway,” I say, trying to sound hopeful. I like Chris for Laura. I think he’s a good guy, and I can tell they like each other a lot. More than anything, I want Laura to be happy, and she seems happy with him.

  “Yeah, we’re going to do that. We’ll see how things go, I guess,” she says, not sounding too optimistic. Then she turns the tables on me. “How was your weekend?”

  I can’t help the huge grin that spreads across my face. “Wonderful,” I reply.

  “Care to elaborate?” she asks.

  I chuckle. “Not totally. I don’t kiss and tell,” I say as I wiggle my eyebrows at her. “But I’m going to visit him next month over Veteran’s Day weekend.”

  “Wow,” she says, sounding excited for me, but also slightly jealous. “I’m happy for you. Dax seems like a great guy.”

  I nod my head. “He is.”

  After I drop Laura off at her house, I go to work. Teaching keeps my mind off Dax, but when my class goes to recess, my mind is back on him. I’ve got it bad.

  When I get home that evening after work, I walk into my living room and find that my mom’s journal is open on the coffee table. I didn’t leave it open, so I walk closer to investigate.

  The book is open to the page my mom wrote a letter to me on. I find a sticky note stuck to the page, so I pick up the journal and read the note written on it.

  Amanda,

  I think your mom has some good advice for you on this page. I hope you’ll consider her advice and think of me.

  Dax

  I smile at his note. This must have been one of the pages he was reading Saturday night when he looked at the journal. How thoughtful of him to leave this note for me. However, it’s also pretty cryptic. My mom wrote a lot of advice on this page that could pertain to him:

  Make time for yourself. Be happy. Make sure that your wants and needs are

  fulfilled. I know you’re happy, but I also don’t want you to miss out on anything in life. Date. Have relationships. Maybe even get married. I know you never saw yourself having any kids, but I have to tell you that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t imagine my life without you.

  I love you, and I want you to be happy. That is all.

  Holy shit. Is Dax just saying he wants me to be happy, or is he hinting at more? Is he telling me he wants me to consider getting married and having kids someday? I could be reading too much into this, and I don’t want to overthink it. I just want to enjoy the time I get with Dax, whether it’s through technology or in person.

  I vow not to bring up his note. If he asks me about it, then I’ll talk. But I am not going to be the one to start the conversation.

  Dax

  As the plane takes off and flies over Seattle, which I discovered is much more beautiful than pictures can do it justice, I stick my earbuds in and crank up the music on my iPod. I don’t want to talk to Chris right now. I just don’t want to talk to anyone. I can’t believe how hard it was to leave Amanda. This weekend was so much more than I expected. I thought we’d have fun hanging out and finally get to sleep together. I didn’t expect to have so much more than that with her.

  Not only did we have fun hanging out, but I never got tired of her. I wanted to be with her twenty-four seven. I’ve never had a girlfriend who I didn’t need at least one break from in that amount of time. Sad but true. I actually have a knot in my stomach from having to leave Amanda at the airport.

  And the sex. Jesus Christ. She was unlike any woman I’d ever been with. Her body was amazing in every way, inside and out. Not only that, but the feelings I had while we did it were intense. It wasn’t just sex with her; it was making love, and I’ve never made love to anyone like that before. I’ve got it so bad for her. It might be too early to say I’m in love with her, but I think I am.

  Shit. Isn’t it too soon to be having these thoughts and feelings? I can’t help it, though. There’s just something about Amanda, and I can’t help how fast I’ve fallen for her.

  I can’t wait to see her again next month. I need to make this next visit special.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Amanda

  Veteran’s Day Weekend

  One month later, I am once again at SeaTac Airport with Laura; only this time, she’s dropping me off so I can fly to California. Dax bought my plane ticket for me. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that he surprised me by saying I’m not flying into Bakersfield as I thought. Instead, he’s treating me to a weekend in San Francisco. He was able to take today and Monday off, so he’s driving there and picking me up from the airport. I had to work today, but I left as soon as school got out, drove to Laura’s house, then she took me to the airport.

  We’re still making the best of our long-distance relationship. We text each other regularly, talk on the phone, Skype every night, and use Facebook to communicate, too. Neither of us has said anything about the note he left me in the journal. I’ve stuck to my vow and not brought it up even though I really wanted to ask him what he meant by it.

  Neither of us has said those three little words yet either. My feelings toward him have only grown, and I am sure I’m in love with Dax Young. I just refuse to be the first one to say it. I don’t want to scare him away if he thinks it’s too soon.

  I’m more than giddy when I land in San Francisco. I’ve never visited this city before, though I’ve always wanted to. I know that’s why Dax planned this weekend for us. I had mentioned wanting to go here someday during one of our many conversations, and now here I am. I can’t wait to see Dax, the man who seems to be making all my dreams come true. Including some dreams I didn’t even know I had.

  When I finally make it out to the arrivals pickup area, I find his black truck right away and practically run over to him. He gets out of the truck and greets me with the biggest hug and kiss. It feels so good to be back in his arms.

  “I missed you,” he says before moving his mouth lower and kissing my neck.

  “I missed you, too.”

  “Let’s get going,” he says as he pulls away from me and picks up my suitcase. “I bet you’re hungry. It’s getting late.”

  I smile at him as he puts my suitcase in the crew cab of his truck. “Actually, I ate at the airport. I’m not really hungry.”

  He closes the truck door and steps closer to me, putting his hands on my hips and pulling me closer to him. “Is that right?” he asks with a smirk on his face.

  I nod my head and reply, “Well, not for food anyway.”

  Dax groans and moves his head down to mine. “Good. It sounds like we’re craving the same thing,” he says as his lips crash to mine, and he kisses me again.

  It’s a short kiss, though. He opens the passenger side door for me to hop in, and then he closes it for me.

  He booked us a room at a place near the Fisherman’s Wharf. It’s an older hotel, but it’s been refurbished, so it’s very modern inside. However, when we hear laughter coming from the room next to us, we know the walls are thin.

  “Well, that’ll be a challenge for you,” Dax says to me as he opens his duffel bag and starts unpacking his things.

  I look at him in confusion, not sure what he’s talking about. “What will be a challenge?”

  Dax stalks over to me and places h
is hands on my cheeks, looking me in the eye with a playful look on his face. My stomach flip flops simply because I’m so attracted to this man. “You staying quiet while I’m making love to you.”

  I swear I see stars before he lowers his lips to mine and kisses me. He pulls away too soon, and I’m left wanting more of him.

  He rests his forehead against mine. “Are you up for that challenge?”

  I look up at him. “It might be hard, but I’m up for it. I want you.”

  Dax’s mouth curves into a sexy smile. “Oh, it’s hard, all right.”

  I can’t help but laugh, but he silences me with his mouth again. His tongue glides into my mouth and connects with mine, moving back and forth at a sensual pace. I run my hands up his arms and snake my arms around his neck. I can’t wait any longer. I need to be with Dax now. I need to feel his body against mine in the most intimate way possible.

  Dax grips the bottom of my shirt and pulls it up and over my head, before taking his own off as well, not waiting for me to undress him. He kisses me again, and my hands roam over his chest, down to his abs, and then I start to unbutton his jeans.

  He takes my hands in his and stops me, though. “Nuh-uh, this is about you first,” he says as he undoes my jeans, pulling them down my legs and kneeling to take them off all the way. After he drops my pants to the floor, he looks up at me and gawks. I’m wearing a new bra and panty set I bought just for his enjoyment this weekend. He seems to like it.

  Dax stands up and looks me in the eye again. God, he’s sexy when he looks intense. “Get on the bed,” he says to me, the gravelly, deep timbre of his voice giving me goose bumps. His command takes me by surprise, but I like it.