Heavy (Heavy Hearts Book 1)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  Yes, I know it’s creepy, but we all have our vices!

  I should have worn his hoodie. Why didn’t I wear his hoodie? Ugh! I’m an idiot. I would have felt better if I had it on, but I didn’t want my mum to see me wearing it and ask questions. She would have known immediately that it wasn’t mine, and it belonged to a guy. I’d prefer to avoid that particular conversation with her for now.

  The hospital is a tall white building showing signs of aging, with its peeling paint and a few visible cracks in the render. The structure doesn’t scream hospital, but once you step through the front doors, the smell reminds you that it is.

  Approaching the reception desk, a plump woman with short grey curly hair and black-framed glasses peers up from her paperwork raising a brow. Rude!

  “Ah, hi. We’re looking for Mrs West’s room.” Andrea shifts nervously under the lady’s glare.

  The lady pouts her mouth, looking over the top of her glasses, assessing us before turning to her computer and keying something in. She takes her sweet time while I stand close to Ayden’s side, feeling more and more anxious by the second.

  “Who may I ask is here to visit Mrs West?” Her voice is unusually low and gruff for a woman, and it makes me do a double-take to check if she is actually of the female gender.

  “I have her daughter here,” Andrea gestures to me, “Alexis West.”

  The lady behind the counter nods her head looking me over.

  “Alexis, you may go through to see your mother, however, visitors must be immediate family only. Unless the rest of you are immediate family, then you will have to stay out here.”

  My heart rate picks up, knowing that I’m going to be on my own. I’m nervous about seeing my mum, but I’m also not sure I want Ayden and his parents to see my mum anyway. Not like this, in hospital when she will be at her worst. Maybe never meeting my mum is a better option.

  “Sorry Lexi, will you be okay?” Andrea looks concerned, so I nod, not wanting her to worry. She has already given me so much support. I still struggle to accept her kindness without feeling guilty.

  “I’ll be fine, thanks. I can handle my mum.” I attempt to make my voice sound confident, but I don’t know if I pull it off.

  Andrea gives me one of her sympathetic smiles before Ayden turns me to face him, leaning in close.

  “We will be right out here.” His voice is low, so only I can hear as he wraps me in a hug.

  Reluctantly I pull away from the safety of his arms to follow the plump woman who is looking more and more impatient by the minute. She leads me through a blue door, and stops in front of a bank of elevators.

  “Floor three, room 302.” She pushes the button, and the elevator doors spring open. Stepping in, I press the third-floor button while the plump lady gives me her back before walking away. Well, isn’t she a ray of sunshine! She must really love her job.

  As the lift rises, thoughts of my dad's email bombard me. By the time the brief trip to the third-floor ends, I’m struggling to keep my hands from trembling. The evil anxiety demon that sits on my shoulder is whispering scenarios to me of running into my dad or worse, Mike. I’m sure they aren’t on my mum’s visitors list given the situation, but then again, who would’ve thought my dad would willingly let Mike do what he did? I’ve learned the hard way that anything is possible.

  “Hey there, honey, can I help you?” The friendly voice comes from a tall nurse wearing a deep purple uniform with long black braids in her hair. Her face holds a friendly expression, so I try to relax a little.

  “Oh, um, I’m looking for my mum. Room 302.”

  The nurse studies me for a moment, tilting her head to the side, and then something like recognition flashes across her face.

  “You’re Alexis?” It isn’t really a question, more like understanding. The fact that she knows my name makes me squirm, causing me to shift nervously on my feet while I look over my shoulder to see if there are other people around.

  “Oh, I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m Erica, one of your mum’s nurses. Her room is this way.”

  I examine the nurse again, looking for signs that she’s out to do me wrong. However, all I see is a friendly demeanour, so I push my self-conscious thoughts aside and follow her down the hall.

  “Your mum is having a bit of a hard time today. The effects of the drugs have worn off, but she is still in withdrawal, which is making her a Crabby Abbey.”

  “Great.” I scoff, and Erica glances back, giving me a warm, sympathetic smile before stopping in front of the door for room 302.

  “I’ll be right over there at the nurse’s station, honey. If you need anything, just give me a yell.”

  I nod and smile at Erica before taking a deep breath to calm my nerves. I can’t go into the lion’s den looking like a nervous child. My mum needs to see that I am strong, no matter what version of her I get today.

  Any ideas I entertained of me having a warm welcome from my mum flies right out the door as it swings shut behind me.

  “Jesus Christ, Alexis. What the fuck have you gone and done?” And there she is. My mum.

  “What! Me?” Fury climbs onto the shoulders of my nerves and squashes it like a fly as I stare at my mum, looking more than dishevelled in the hospital bed. “What do you mean, what have I done?”

  “You just have to cause so much fucking drama, don’t you! Why couldn’t you just do what the hell you are told, instead of setting off your dad and brother?”

  What the hell! She surely isn’t blaming me for all of this!

  “Oh, I’m sorry mum, I should have just allowed Mike to keep fucking beating me and trying to rape me!” My voice is unrecognisable to my ears. It’s kind of like a scream and yell all in one, and I can’t control it.

  “If you didn’t walk around looking like a little whore all the time, then maybe you wouldn’t have teased your brother to lose his control.”

  Her words are like a cold slap to my face, ripping at my heart. Before I can stop myself, I’m at her bedside with my hand raised to hit her.

  “Go ahead, behave like your father! You’re just as bad as he is!”

  I stop short at her words, stumbling back as if I was the one struck by an invisible hand. Tears blur my vision briefly before I see my mother’s doing the same.

  “You did this to me,” she whispers. Part of her looks like she’s sorry, and part of her looks like she’s angry at me.

  “What did I do to you other than try to find where the hell you were? Do you even know that we couldn’t find you because you were taken to a different hospital than what was on record?”

  My mum is silent for a few moments while she takes in what I said, and calm washes over her features.

  “Your actions mean that the doctors here won’t give me what I need, Alexis.” She totally disregards my concerns for her.

  “The drugs you mean?” Doesn’t she know that the drugs were keeping her from living?

  “I’m talking about the medication I need to function, Alexis. Not only won’t they give me anything, but I have to see a fucking Psychologist. Do you know how degrading that is for me?”

  I look over at my mum sitting rigidly in the hospital bed. She looks terrible, yet she has more colour in her skin than I’ve ever seen. Her brown hair is a tangled mess, and her hospital gown has come undone at the neck, falling off her right shoulder. On her lap, her hands are balled into fists matching my own, filled with anger, only for a completely different reason.

  “You mean drugs, right? Not medication? Because I’m fairly certain that doctors don’t prescribe illicit drugs, mum! Why do you need them?”

  “Because I am unwell, Alexis.”

  “Unwell with what illness? What illness, besides addiction, requires illicit drugs?” My question annoys her. Her telltale nostril flare is in full force, and I bet if I look closely, I would be able to see steam coming from her ears.

  “I am just unwell. The medication helps me feel better.” Her voic
e is calmer now, and her fists have loosened.

  “How do the drugs make you feel better?”

  She scoffs, “Jesus, Alexis! They just make me feel more at peace, okay. Is that a good enough answer for you?”

  I shake my head, “When did you first start taking drugs to make you feel better?”

  My mum thinks about my question for a moment, her face showing that she has no idea.

  “Do you know the cops think dad has been feeding your addiction? That he has been helping you stay under the influence for years so he can live his second life?”

  I’m almost sure my questions are going to send my mum into a murderous rage, but instead, she is eerily calm.

  “Why are you here, Alexis? Money? Is that what you want?”

  “Maybe I wanted to make sure my mum is okay,” I tell her honestly.

  “Nope, that’s not it. The doctors and police have set this up, haven’t they? They want you to get me to say bad things about your father. Well, I won’t!”

  “Mum, I am just here to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Bullshit!” My mum turns in her bed to reach into the draw of the side table. “Here, take the bank card, buy the shit you need. I’ll use my other card and account for myself until your father can catch up with you and take care of things.”

  Catch up with me and take care of things? That doesn’t sound good. My mum throws the bank card, which slaps against my chest, falling to the floor.

  “Have you spoken with dad? Is he looking for me?” What if this is a setup? A way to coax me out so he can take me again?

  She waves me off, “Of course I haven’t spoken to your father. These arseholes here have taken my phone and disconnected the room phone, so I can’t call anyone! But I’m sure your father is looking for you, Alexis, and will catch up with you soon.”

  I bend to pick up the bank card and slide it into the back pocket of my jeans, knowing I will need the money.

  “You do know you’re a victim here, right mum? Dad drugged you to control you so he could do what he wanted without your interference. He did that to me as well, did you know that?”

  A frown twists my mum’s features, and I continue, “When he realised he couldn’t control me, he sweet-talked my principal and spiked my drink, which knocked me out so he could take me out of the school without making a scene. Then he left me with Mike, knowing exactly what his disturbed son would try to do to me. We are both victims here, mum, and I’m sorry that I never saw what was going on with you.”

  I was hoping my words would show her how much I care and understand. Instead, it sets her into another rage.

  “You fucking little bitch, you don’t know what you are talking about! Your father works hard to give you the things you need, and this is how you thank him!”

  A bowl of red jelly flies at my head, and I duck just in time to hear it crash against the wall behind me. My mum is screaming now, her words making no sense to me, so I turn and quickly bolt out of the room just in time to hear something else crash into the closed door.

  Hot tears stream down my face, and my chest feels like it’s in a vice.

  “Oh, honey, are you okay?” Erica, the nurse, appears before me holding a box of tissues, and I take her offering to dry up the flow of tears.

  “I’m sorry, honey, maybe today wasn’t the best day for a visit.”

  “N-no d-day i-is,” I’m a blubbering mess still hearing the harsh words my mum hissed bouncing around in my head. I just don’t understand what’s so wrong with me that she doesn’t love me? What’s so bad about me that my dad thought punishment from Mike was the best course of action? I’ve always tried hard in school, always done the right thing, well, mostly. I know I have a smart mouth on me, but am I just meant to sit back and take their verbal beatings and not fight back? Maybe I am, but I just can’t be that person. Anger blooms wildly in my chest, and I growl through my tears.

  “Come with me, honey. I have just the place for you to take the moment you need.” Erica’s words are soft and knowing, so I let her lead me down the hall and through another set of doors.

  “Go on in there, honey, and take a moment or two. Cry, scream, and yell if that’s what you need. It will help.”

  I look at the door we are standing before and read the sign saying Chapel.

  A chuckle slips past my crying lips, “Are you trying to kill me?”

  Erica rears back a little, “What? No, of course not, honey. Why?”

  “Because if I go in there, I’m likely to burst into flames.” I try to joke.

  The laugh that rips from Erica’s chest is loud and infectious, her head thrown back, and her hands clutch her tummy.

  “Oh, girl, trust me. If anyone was likely to burst into flames, it’s me, and I go in this room daily to tell that SOB holier than all gods, that he’s an arse.”

  It’s my turn to laugh now, but it’s brief as reality quickly sets back in.

  Erica sighs, “You’ve been through a lot, especially for someone so young. Get all of those negative thoughts and feelings out. My preferred treatment is a big long scream. It’s amazing how therapeutic it can be.”

  “I can’t scream in there.”

  “Oh, yes you can. Trust me, no one will give it a second thought in this place, and I’ll stand guard for you.”

  Erica’s enthusiasm urges me forward, so I nod and enter the small Chapel, taking a steady breath. The makeshift Chapel has three rows of hard plastic chairs with a timber altar that looks like it’s older than Erica, sitting at the front of the room. The dimly lit area is a little musty, and the smell immediately reminds me of my mum’s hospital room.

  I choke on a sob, replaying everything she said. My heart cracks wide open, aching inside my chest. My knees meet the floor, and a billowing scream rises from my lungs and bursts from my mouth. It’s long and harsh and not enough, so I do it again, but this time it carries so much more pain.

  My hand’s fist in my hair, pulling at the roots as I cry through each scream, letting each slice of my heart explode from me until I can’t scream anymore. I cry then, like I’ve never cried before, allowing myself to feel all the pain and betrayal that my so-called family has delivered. Anger and hate rattle my insides, poisoning my blood before overwhelming sadness takes over. I feel like I’ve missed out on something as vital as love growing up in the West family, the thought adding bitterness and resentment to join all the emotions swarming through me.

  After an impossible amount of tears have fallen, a strange calm travels over me. My tears stop, the hate eases, and the sense of fear slips away. At first, the sensation is numbing. I conclude that I’ve finally cracked, my heart and body wanting to slam up the thickest walls to shield me from pain. But then, ocean eyes, dark hair, and a dimpled smile bounce through my mind. Ayden.

  My heart flutters at the mere thought of him—the boy who saved me in more ways than just physical. Peter and Andrea pop into my head too. Their support has been just as unwavering as their sons. I understand now. My mind isn’t shutting down. It’s showing me that I am cared about. Abbey, Marcus and the guys from school, and Valarie come to mind too, and I know without a doubt that not only do they care for me on some level, but I care for them as well. These people are important. I may not have a family in the traditional sense, but I have people who I trust and care about. They are my family.

  Resolve washes over me, and finding strength I didn’t know I had, I stand slowly off the hard-tiled floor of the Chapel and leave the room with my head held high.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  After my so-called therapy session in the hospital chapel, Erica took me to a bathroom so I could clean myself up before I went back to face Ayden and his parents again. I was grateful for her help and knew that even though my mum didn’t deserve it, she would be in good hands with Erica around.

  Ayden’s parents say nothing about my lack of makeup when I return to them in the hospital's reception. Ayden looks concerned, but keeps his mouth shut. He didn’t
ask, and I didn’t tell, which is fine by me, at least for the moment.

  The rest of the day we spend in the city with Ayden’s parents. They treat us to a beautiful lunch in a restaurant overlooking the Yarra River, followed by a visit to the Gold Class cinemas at The Crown Complex. I’ve never been there before, and now that I have, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a fan! Ayden teases me, saying that I’m cute when I get excited. I do kind of feel like a little girl at the zoo, but I don’t care. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this much fun.

  While we wait for the movie to start, I send a reply to Abbey’s text message, but she doesn’t respond. I guess she’s shitty at me for not replying sooner, so I try calling her quickly while the trailers are on, but it goes to voicemail. The message I leave is a lengthy, heartfelt apology and hope it will be enough for her to love me again.

  After our day in the city with Ayden’s parents, we return back to their apartment, only to have Ayden declare that he’s taking me out for some more fun.

  “Here, put this on.”

  A heavy jumper lands on my head, plucking me out of my thoughts and blocking the setting sun filtering into the kitchen of Peter’s apartment. Pulling it off my head, I see black and white vertical stripes.

  “What is this?” I hold the jumper out with two fingers as if it were covered in mud and filth, screwing up my nose in disgust.

  “My Pies jersey. Pop it on. You’re going to need it.”

  I frown, “first, why will I need it? And second, ew.” I let it fall from my fingers to the floor at my feet.

  “Hey!” Sweeping in to save his jumper, Ayden pulls it close to his chest as if it were the most precious thing in his life. I laugh.

  “I take it you don’t like the Collingwood football club?”

  “The fact that you do has me questioning if I’m even that attracted to you anymore.” I cock my hip, placing my hand on it, and raise a brow to be convincing. I fail.

  Before I even know what’s happening, Ayden sweeps me up and over his shoulder, giving my arse a good hard slap.

  “Ouch!” Screeching and squirming, I try to break the hold he has on me, but his strength outdoes mine tenfold. “Put me down, you big lug!”