Heartfelt

by Danielle Allen

  “Yeah, I know.”

  Elizabeth opened the front door looking pulled together; however, she left the bedroom doorway looking emotionally broken.

  I should go check on her, I thought, casting a glance at the photo of me and William on the beach.

  “Are you okay?” I asked Bianca, cupping her face. I let my thumbs caress her skin.

  “I was a little nervous at first, but she seemed nervous, too. We were only downstairs for a few minutes and she was so over the top and bubbly. And then up here, she seemed different. So I can’t really read her. Understandably.”

  “Yeah, she’s always been high-strung.” I sat down on the bed and pulled Bianca into my lap. “It’s the moments where she’s really subdued like just now that worry me.”

  With one hand on her hip, securing her, I gripped her denim covered thighs with my other hand. “Thank you for being here.”

  Her full lips made contact with my cheek and then trailed kisses to my lips. “Thank you for asking me to be here.”

  Leaning back, I stared into her eyes and my heart lurched.

  She has no idea what she does to me.

  Being back in Huntington for a funeral of someone I love was bringing back feelings that for the sake of my relationship with Bianca, I tried to keep at bay.

  I need to get out of here for a minute.

  Ripping my eyes away from hers, I looked down at my hand running up and down her leg. “I need to check on Elizabeth.”

  “That’s a good idea. I’ll take a shower and get ready for bed.”

  After sharing one more kiss, I showed Bianca where the bathroom and linens were and I headed down the hall to Elizabeth’s bedroom.

  Rapping my knuckles against the closed door, I heard Elizabeth moving around the room.

  “Come in, Roman,” she announced a few seconds later.

  Walking in, I saw Elizabeth sitting on the edge of her bed with a half full glass of amber colored liquid clutched between her hands. Looking from her face to the glass, I felt sick. I had never seen anyone look as heartbroken as she looked in that moment.

  “I just wanted to come and check on you.” I closed the door and took a few steps toward her.

  “Pour yourself a glass of whiskey. Neat. Just like…”

  Just like William liked it, I finished the sentence for her.

  “Don’t make me drink alone.”

  I nodded. Crossing a room to the minibar stand, I poured myself a glass.

  “To William,” she murmured sadly.

  I swallowed around the growing lump in my throat. “To William.”

  We both took long sips of the strong, spicy alcohol. It was smooth as it passed my lips, but it burned on the way down.

  How did William drink this all the time?

  “I’m glad you’re here, Roman.” Her tone was thick with emotion, but her eyes looked glazed. She was a shell of her former self.

  I froze, glass in mid-air. “I wouldn’t have missed William’s funeral.”

  She didn’t seriously think I’d miss William’s funeral did she?

  “I know.” She gave me a tight smile. “Benjamin was at the wake tonight. He said he isn’t coming to the funeral.”

  Benjamin is an asshole, but he couldn’t possibly be that big of an ass.

  “What?” I asked, moving further into the large bedroom.

  “Benjamin said it just reminded him of his own heart condition so he didn’t want that reminder.”

  I felt my blood begin to boil. “After everything William did for him, he’s not going to pay his respects because it makes him uncomfortable,” I roared. “He’s a spoiled, selfish asshole and—”

  “Don’t talk about your brother like that,” she interjected sharply. “If there was one thing your father and I hated, it was the relationship between you and Benjamin.”

  I didn’t say anything, but I could see her point. It couldn’t have been easy to deal with us.

  We were quiet for a while. I eyed the pictures on the wall and the splattering of men’s clothing strewn around the room. It was as if William was still alive.

  “You and Bianca look happy.” She paused, never looking up at me. “Reminds me of when William and I first met.” Her voice was barely audible, but in the silent room, I heard her pain.

  I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing at all.

  Dabbing at her eyes, Elizabeth looked up and patted the mattress beside her. “Sit with me, Roman.”

  Running my hands down my face, I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “You love her. I can see it written all over your face. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You always have. William was the same way. You two had so much in common.” She paused. “Sweet, loving, kind, and could hold a grudge like no other.”

  Flashing me a smile, she added, “You were his son, through and through. And knowing what I know about you and how you love, I just…I’ve only seen you like this once. With your last relationship. And seeing you like this now makes me nervous.”

  My body temperature had risen to the point that I felt uncomfortable. The uneasiness I felt didn’t help the dread that was coiled in the pit of my stomach.

  Please do not let the conversation go there, I prayed silently. I really don’t want to talk about my ex-girlfriend. I’ve made peace with what happened with Tia Vasquez.

  “Where are you going with this?” I managed to choke out.

  Patting my hand, Elizabeth gave me a determined look. “Bianca is beautiful, spirited, and smart. I can tell she makes you very happy.”

  I felt the tension rolling through my body. Inhaling deeply, my jaw clenched. “But what?” I asked, hearing the weight of the rest of Elizabeth’s statement in the air.

  “I don’t want you to get hurt. Like your father, when you’re all in, you’re all in. And I don’t want to lose you again. I don’t want to lose another…”

  As her sentence trailed off, the silence in the room was thick. I felt myself getting angry with the insinuation, angry and confused, but then I talked myself down.

  She’s emotional, likely medicated and she doesn’t know what she’s saying.

  “I just want you to be careful with her,” she continued.

  With my brows furrowed, I gaped at her profile, trying to grasp at any possible meaning behind her words. I didn’t want to be angry with Elizabeth, especially since she just lost William. But I was struggling to understand what her motivations were. I opened my mouth to respond, but she interrupted.

  “The men in this family have fragile hearts, Roman. They break easily.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “Although you may not have the genetic complications with your heart that affected William and Benjamin, you still have a fragile heart. Just be careful.”

  Why the hell is she saying this?

  “Bianca and I are fine. There’s no need to worry about us.” My tone was controlled as I reined in my frustration. “Just get some rest.”

  I knew that she was grieving. And I knew that her rambling thoughts were of a grieving widow trying to protect her son. But I had to get out of there.

  With no more words exchanged, I gave her a hug and quickly exited the room. Closing the door behind me, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Placing my hand over the spot where the pain was the sharpest, I rubbed at my chest.

  I love B. I don’t have anything to worry about, I thought, feeling my nostrils flaring with each breath.

  Opening the door to the bedroom, I froze. Quickly slipping all the way into the room, I locked the door behind me.

  Oh God.

  If the way I felt when I saw her lying in bed sleeping was any indication, I had everything to worry about.

  Wearing just my paint splattered t-shirt and what looked like nothing else, Bianca was sleeping soundly on top of the comforter.

  Pulling off my clothes, I climbed into bed beside her. When the bed dipped, her eyes fluttered open.

  “I think I fell asle
ep,” she murmured, allowing me to lift her legs and put her underneath the covers.

  Pulling her closer, her back to my front, I buried my face into her hair.

  “How is she?” Bianca asked, caressing my arm that was tightly squeezing across her belly. Her soft fingertips stroked my skin sending waves of sensation through my arm and all over my body.

  “As good as to be expected,” I muttered.

  “Good.”

  I felt her inhaling and exhaling in perfect time with me. Without doing anything other than being in bed with me, she was calming me, settling me. I needed her to chase away the doubt Elizabeth unwittingly planted in my mind.

  Bianca always made everything better.

  Nuzzling the soft curls of her hair with my nose, I inhaled deeply. The sweet smell of vanilla and coconut oil invaded my senses.

  “Talk to me, Ro,” she whispered.

  “I just want to hold you.”

  She was quiet for a minute before she replied, “Okay.”

  Losing myself in her softness and her scent, I tried to clear my mind. We didn’t move, didn’t speak and it wasn’t long before she was sleeping soundly. I closed my eyes and listened to the little contented noises she made every so often.

  Peeking over her sleeping body, I stared at her. Her breathing was steady and even, her full lips were slightly parted. Relaxing against the pillow, I closed my eyes and pulled her warm body closer. Even in her sleep, she wielded a power over me.

  Could Elizabeth be right? I wondered, letting Elizabeth’s words get in my head.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to block everything else out. I just wanted to focus on Bianca. I didn’t want to think about William’s death. I didn’t want to think about Elizabeth’s warning. I didn’t want to think about being back in California.

  Pressing my lips against Bianca’s neck, I listened for her gentle sigh.

  Is it too much too soon?

  Shaking off the thought that crept into my mind, I took a deep breath and willed myself to sleep.

  I need to get my shit together.

  ----------

  Chapter Five

  Although the sun was shining bright, the air was crisp. I pulled on the sleeve of my suit jacket and smoothed down my tie. The funeral was almost over and I was getting restless. Sitting on the uncomfortable metal chair, I stared at the trees surrounding the small cemetery.

  I could recapture that, I mused, gazing at the fiery coloring of the leaves. I closed my eyes behind my sunglasses, envisioning the reds, oranges, and yellows, committing the colors to memory. For William.

  A heartbreaking sob erupted out of Grandma Pearl, bringing me back to the funeral. I turned my head, following the sound and saw a grey haired woman who had managed to look exactly the same my entire life. I hadn’t seen Grandma Pearl in years. She was a tough woman, but I liked her. She didn’t always get along with Elizabeth though so I didn’t see her very often while I was growing up.

  Turning my head slightly, I cast a long glance at the woman who raised me. Elizabeth had spent the entire afternoon holding it together. She wore her hair down and with her dark sunglasses, her face was mostly covered. But the moments before she put on her sunglasses, I saw the despair behind her eyes.

  “…And lastly, we will have a few words from William and Elizabeth’s oldest son, Roman.”

  Bianca squeezed my hand in reassurance. I squeezed back before I walked up to the casket.

  Looking over the large crowd that had gathered, I took a shaky breath. The chairs were for immediate family and close friends, the remaining guests stood. There were so many people that I either didn’t know or I hadn’t seen in so long I didn’t remember their names. It almost felt like I had disassociated from the family. And in a lot of ways, I had.

  I didn’t plan to speak at the funeral, but Elizabeth asked me if I would over breakfast and I didn’t want to say no.

  Well I did want to say no, but I didn’t.

  Focusing on the one face that put me at ease, I took a deep breath. Bianca gave me a small smile and nodded. It was crazy how just a simple look from her was all it took to calm me down. She was supportive and caring and just like that, I could almost feel myself falling harder for her.

  Running my hands down my face, I shook it off.

  With a sweeping glance to acknowledge everyone, I gave a small smile. “Hi, I’m Roman Harper. William Harper is…” I stopped, recognizing my mistake instantly. Clearing my throat, I continued, “William Harper was my father and an artist. My favorite memory and probably my first life changing moment as a child was when I was six years old. William bought two canvases and set them up on the beach. He told me he saw how much I loved to paint and instead of doing it on the bedroom walls, he wanted to show me how to do it right. It was in that moment, on that beach, when I knew that for the rest of my life, I wanted to paint. William Harper was a business man to most people, but an artist at his core. He saw something in me at an early age and he fostered it. He would always tell me that when words fail, speak through art because art and love are what binds us. So when I paint, I hope he can still hear what I have to say. He—”

  A piercing howl shot out from behind the group of people sitting and standing on the right. I stopped speaking abruptly, startled like everyone else.

  People gasped and looked around frantically. A murmur broke out as people searched for the source of the sound and shuffled out of the way.

  “No! No! I should be the one to do the last eulogy. He was my father!” Benjamin roared, charging to stand beside the casket. Pointing an accusatory finger at me, he repeated, “He was my father!”

  My hands balled into fists. I felt the heat rising through my body and my breathing became labored. Benjamin was arm’s length away and I wanted to grab him and choke the shit out of him.

  Clenching my teeth, I glared at him. I only saw red when I looked at the sorry excuse for a man that shared parents with me. My voice was low, growling. “It’s not the time or the place for this shit, Benjamin.”

  Leaning forward, his blood shot eyes, red face and wrinkled clothing made him look as drunk as he smelled. “You don’t get to take everything from me. He was my father! Mine! You barely spoke to them in eight years and then all of a sudden, you want to come back.” His voice was low and slurred before he turned to the crowd and burst out again, “The prodigal son returns, ladies and gentlemen.”

  Adrenaline pulsated through me and my muscles tensed.

  Out of respect to William, I’m not going to punch him in his fucking face. But I want to and if he takes one more step toward me, I will lay him out right here.

  “Benjamin…” I breathed slowly. “Calm the fuck down and shut the fuck up.”

  “You don’t tell me what to do! You think you’re better than me. You always have,” he barked as we made eye contact again.

  This has nothing to do with William.

  Looking past Benjamin, I cast a long glance over the shocked crowd. When my eyes landed on Elizabeth, my stomach turned. She had her hand to her mouth and although most of her face was covered, I could feel the hurt coming off of her in waves. Looking to the right of her, I saw Bianca’s face.

  Tilting her head to the side, Bianca lifted her eyebrows. Her eyes implored me to stop, to be the bigger man, to walk away. I held her gaze for seconds before I felt her power over me. My adrenaline still pumped through my veins, but I knew she was right.

  Keeping my eyes focused on Bianca, I lifted my hands and side stepped him.

  “You’re lucky you did this right here, right now,” I conceded quietly, choking on my words as I strode past Benjamin. My body was shaking with pent up rage as I made my way to my seat.

  Just keep focusing on her. I just have to focus on her.

  When I sat down, Bianca put her arm around me. Bringing her hand to my cheek, she turned my head toward her. Although she couldn’t see my eyes, I could see hers and the look in them made my heart clench.

  Stroking my c
heek with her thumb, she whispered, “I love you, Ro. You did the right thing.”

  Still too angry to speak, I just nodded and turned my attention to the asshole muttering incoherently beside the casket. We were in the front row and couldn’t understand most of what he was saying. Two men who looked vaguely familiar approached him carefully.

  “I know grief looks different on everyone,” Elizabeth said as Benjamin paused his eulogy to take a swig of something in a flask, allowing himself to be led away by the men. “But I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

  A lot of liquor.

  “Anyway, thank you for not engaging in an altercation with him. It’s what William would have done.”

  Before I could respond, the preacher said, “Let us pray.”

  Fifteen minutes later, William’s body had been lowered into the ground and guests treated us to pitying glances and sorrowful words before leaving the gravesite.

  Elizabeth hugged me and then Bianca. She dabbed at her eye underneath her sunglasses. “I’m only going to stay at the repast at Grandma Pearl’s house for a few minutes. Then I’m going to head to Benjamin’s apartment. I need to check on him.”

  “Are you okay to drive?” I asked, searching her face.

  “Yes. Driving is good for me. It’s what’s kept me together all week.”

  Giving us a final wave, Elizabeth staggered away, carrying her grief in her posture.

  “I need to ask her if she’s on something. I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Bianca after she was far enough away.

  She nodded and squeezed my hand.

  Moving quickly, I jogged to catch up to her. “Elizabeth.”

  “What’s wrong?” Elizabeth asked.

  “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t…overmedicating.”

  “Overmedicating?”

  We resumed our hike to William’s truck. “It just seems like you may be taking something to help.” I shrugged, not really knowing how to put it into words.

  Silence shrouded us as we ambled our way to the truck.

  Elizabeth climbed inside without a word, closing the door and starting the engine. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and waited for the window to roll all the way down.