The Thing About Love... (The Thing About... #1)

by J. M. Raphaelle

  TODAY WAS MY last day at the record label, and I've said my goodbyes to Dan and all of my new friends. I'm now looking ahead, hopeful at the amazing possibilities that await me in my new job at M&R Today.

  Only one thing is hanging over my head: I have to talk to Jack. My cell has been blowing up the last couple of days. I suspect it's all him. But I've been too confused and disappointed to bother checking.

  Sometimes I muse about leaving to New York without ever speaking to him again. I get over it seconds after I think it. It's immature, and I would end up hating myself if I did such a selfish thing.

  Even though I'm hurt, I know I have to speak with him. I won't read any of his texts nor listen to his voice mails. I need to speak to him with a clear head and a clean slate. I have to do it for me, for my own peace of mind. I don't want to move on, if that's what it comes to, without giving him the opportunity to choose me. Mostly, without telling him how much I love him, how much I choose him.

  That conversation has to happen today. The sooner I know where Jack and I stand, the faster I can move forward with my life. It's best to rip off the Band-Aid in one swift pull. Maybe it will hurt less.

  I promise myself to have an open heart, take a deep breath and text him.

  Ellie: Hi Jack can you stop by the house today?

  Jack: Please tell me you're ok, I've been trying to reach you since Saturday night

  Ellie: Yes I'm good

  Jack: Have you read my texts heard my voicemails?

  Ellie: No sorry. Can you come by?

  Jack: You hate me

  Ellie: No

  Jack: Have I lost you?

  Ellie: You're not being fair

  Jack: I'm sorry

  Ellie: Are you?

  Jack: Yes

  This is too much, too intense to discuss over text.

  My heart is aching, so I get to the point.

  Ellie: 6pm good for you?

  Jack: It's that bad

  Ellie: I'll see you at 6?

  Jack: Yes

  Ellie: Thank you

  ●●●

  Marie walks in the living room, where I'm preparing to receive Jack. She's examining me, waiting for me to look at her. I haven't told her he's coming over, but she knows something's up.

  "Does Jack know the editor job is a done deal?"

  "No," I reply, as I'm setting the wine and glasses on the coffee table.

  "Are you telling him tonight?" she continues.

  "Yes."

  "Is that what the wine is for?"

  "Yes."

  "He's coming over, then?" she grins at me.

  "Yes."

  "That's a lot of yeses, Ellie," she nips. "Just a few more questions. Are you telling him you can choose to stay in LA or move?"

  I nod yes.

  "You don't want to discuss it?" she asks, her arms folded.

  "No," I eye her nervously.

  "Well, do you want another bottle, or two, of wine?"

  I gape at her and try not to laugh at our strange exchange.

  "If I discuss it with you now, I'll lose my train of thought and my nerve. I don't know how this is going to go down. I'm still upset with him for bringing a friend to the house party. I don't know why he'd think that would be okay with me. I don't know why he would risk our relationship like that. I have so much riding on this one conversation, I just…"

  "It'll be okay, Ellie. Just be honest with him. Don't hold back. This is Jack you'll be speaking with, not Mike," she tries to reassure me.

  "I know," I concede, but I can't help how nervous I feel.

  I'm startled by the doorbell.

  He's here.

  CHAPTER 35

  "HI," I WELCOME HIM with a kiss on the cheek.

  I promised to have an open heart.

  "Hi," he kisses me back, his eyes full of anxiety.

  "Hey, Jack," Marie breaks the ice. "See you later, Jack," she waves goodbye and leaves.

  "That's a quick getaway. Is she okay?"

  "Yep, she just has things to do. Come in. Wine?" I offer.

  We sit on the sofa next to each other. My pulse has skyrocketed. This is me, no barriers, no armor, no holding back. Me, an open heart and a naked soul in front of the man I love, hoping he feels the same way.

  "I have great news," I say, taking a sip of wine to try to calm my worried heart.

  He smiles, his lovely eyes watching me carefully, waiting to hear what I have to say.

  "I've been offered the editor position."

  "That's awesome, Ellie!" He's excited for me and reaches for my hand to kiss it.

  I let him.

  He doesn't let go.

  "And I can choose to be based out of LA or New York," I continue.

  "What do you want to do? Do you want to go?" he frowns and grabs the wine glass from the table to take a drink.

  "I don't know," I respond, because my decision depends on his answers.

  "I have until the end of the week to decide, then another week to make the move…if that's what I choose to do." I swallow, searching his eyes for a clue to what he's thinking.

  He gives me nothing, so I press.

  "Do I have a reason to stay, Jack?"

  His frown deepens, and he releases my hand.

  No!

  "That's something you have to discuss with Mike," he answers acidly, leaves his wine glass on the table, and stands.

  His words slap me like a cold, hard hand.

  "Why would I do that?" I ask, affronted and confused.

  This again? Why?

  "He's the reason you're having trouble deciding, isn't he?" He sounds unsettled and irate.

  "Why would you say that? Mike and I have been over for a very long time. But you and I…" I'm stumbling over my words, thrown for a loop by his unwarranted comment. It's hurtful.

  "What are you saying, Jack?" I shake my head trying to organize my thoughts. "I thought you knew how I…"

  "How you what, Ellie? Mike has been very clear every time he's told me you will always be his," he says with a dry tone.

  "Wait, what?"

  When did this happen?

  "I don't know anything about that, Jack. I don't know what it means, or why Mike would say it."

  "But it's important to you, isn't it?" he says, wounded. "You like that he thinks of you that way."

  "Of course not! How can you say that, after all he's put me through? I thought you knew…I thought you knew how I feel about you," I implore, hurt by his reckless accusations.

  "How do you feel, Ellie? I distinctly remember you unwrapping yourself from my arms as soon as Mike saw us together. You dismissed me. And I think deep down maybe I always expected you push me aside for him. But fuck, when it happened, it..." He doesn't finish the thought and closes his eyes, as in pain.

  His account of that night is like a kick to my gut.

  I can barely breathe.

  He's letting me know just how profoundly I've wounded him, when all he's ever wanted to do is love me. I did this to him. I put doubt and fear in his mind. I pushed him away. I can't defend what I did, but I can try to explain it.

  "Jack, what I did was wrong. I'm sorry! You have no idea how much I regret that moment."

  I place my glass of wine on the table, stand, and reach for him, but he instinctively steps back. I put my hands down, feeling rejected.

  How do I make him understand?

  "I was confused back then. I was still broken and scared. I was scared of letting you in, of allowing you to care for me, of allowing myself to care for you. But in the time we've spent together, you've changed all that, you have given me so much," I try desperately to explain myself.

  As I'm pleading my case, his demeanor changes, hardens. He stands taller and crosses his arms, essentially putting up a wall between us. I sense his next words are going to bury me.

  "I'm not your second choice, Ellie. I'm not the one that saves you from Mike.
I hurt too. I bleed too. I can't go there with you, because you can end me. You have that power."

  I can see he's hurting, and I don't know how to make it stop!

  "That's the last thing I want, Jack. You can end me too," I confess, tears pooling in my eyes.

  I'm aching to touch him, to hold him, to show him how much I love him. But I hold back, afraid he'll push me away again.

  "You're not a second choice. Please forgive me, if I've ever made you feel that way," I implore, tears rolling down my face.

  "You've never fought for me the way you fought for him," he utters, cutting me deep. "I know you confronted him that night he left the wedding. You wanted him back," he hisses between his teeth.

  "So much has changed since then, Jack. I have fought for you. I was fighting for you every time you showed up with a friend, and I didn't say anything, even though it killed me. You wanted to show me that you can easily replace me. And I swallowed my pride and let you have your vengeance, because I had hurt you first," I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to keep some level of composure.

  "Despite them," I fist my hands and close my eyes briefly, because I need a second to erase from my memory the image of him with those other women.

  "Despite those girls, I always felt like I was the center of your world, or so I thought, and it gave me a reprieve from the bite of your payback," I confess.

  "Despite them? You should have fought for me, Ellie! I've been waiting for you to fight for me the way you fought for him. Yes, you are the center of my world. I wish I could have hidden it better, but it's written all over my face. Mike sees it too, and he's drawn a line in the sand, and I just can't cross it," he says heatedly.

  "You can't or won't?" I ask, desperation in my voice.

  "I can't. Not if you don't fight for me," he mumbles subdued.

  "I am fighting, Jack, I've been fighting, I'm fighting now," I reach for him, my hands fisting the sleeves of his white shirt.

  He doesn't move.

  "I'm not a possession Mike can claim as his. I'm the girl he discarded. He left me and that voids all claims. He's not part of my life anymore. He doesn't own my heart, Jack. You do. I love you!"

  I want to pull him closer, but his entire body is stiff, heavy, like a statue nailed to the floor. There's nothing I can do, until he decides differently.

  CHAPTER 36

  "I DON'T THINK you'll ever love me the way you love him," he confesses.

  And there it is!

  I finally know the root of everything, of why he doesn't show me affection in front of Mike, of why he doesn't tell him about us, of why he unexpectedly shows up with other women.

  It's a test, a metric to measure my love for him. It's his way of safeguarding his heart. If he retreats just at the right moment, if he holds back when he's getting too close, I can't rip it out of him.

  I'm sure Mike's deceitful words have confused him even more. I don't know when they spoke, or what ridiculous garbage Mike said to him, but he succeeded at his goal.

  He's planted a seed of doubt…

  I don't recognize the Jack standing in front of me. Mike took my Jack away, and replaced him with a phony version that's bathed in his damn insecurities.

  "Loved, not love," I correct him.

  "Jack, the thing about love is that it's unpredictable. We never know how or when it's going to find us. It can slay us or strengthen us. It can be gut-wrenching and butcher us, make us bleed and push us to our breaking point, until we're dwelling in the darkest, filthiest, most dreadful part of our soul. But once it's done, once we learn the lesson it's trying to teach us, if we pay attention, it will reward us.

  "I removed the veil from my eyes, Jack, and I paid attention. I learned my lesson. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe I have more dues to pay. But somehow, for reasons beyond me, the universe saw fit to reward me now. It showed me the beautiful, generous, honest, fulfilling, candescent side of love. Its true self…with you."

  The lump in my throat is choking me.

  I swallow trying to clear it, because I have to ask him the end-all question.

  His answer will determine my immediate future.

  "Do you love me, Jack?"

  This is it.

  I wait for his response, holding on to his shirtsleeves.

  His darkening now-gray eyes are blurry with unshed tears.

  Answer me, Jack, please, answer me…

  I love you!

  He closes his eyes and solemnly says…

  "I don't know."

  My world instantly shatters.

  It appears New York is a done deal.

  I have to love him enough to let him make this choice.

  I have to love myself enough to let him go.

  I have to be strong enough to take care of me and heal, far away from him.

  Maybe I'll be able to face him again, once I don't love him so much, but right now, I can't stay.

  When he opens his eyes, I see his anguish.

  He's chosen his friendship with Mike over me. The chips fell on Mike's side, and he's won once again.

  "You're asking me to fight for you, Jack, but you have to be willing to fight for me too. But you've made your choice. I hope you find that grand love you deserve. I really do wish that for you, because I wish that for me too. Goodbye, Jack," I say desolately and reach up and kiss him gently on the cheek…one last time.

  CHAPTER 37

  I'VE LEFT HIM alone in the living room, but right now, I just need to tend to my wounds.

  As I'm heading to my bedroom, I hear the front door close.

  Marie peeks out of her bedroom, and her face falls when she sees my tears.

  "What happened?" she follows me in.

  I sit on the corner of my bed and recount the entire conversation, while she's pacing and shaking her head.

  "It's over. New York sounds exciting," I say dimly, wiping my tears.

  "You're both idiots!" she shouts. "You're letting your egos and fears get in the way, and ruin things. Why can't you just admit you love each other? You're both crazy as fuck…and meant for each other!"

  "What?" I say between sobs.

  "Come on, Ellie, you're crazy for each other. I mean, cray-cray for real!"

  "He said he doesn't know if he loves me, Marie. What more is there to say? I'm not doing a Mike here. I'm learning from past mistakes and letting go," I whimper.

  "Wait, so Mike you chase home, pound on his door, and confront him. But with Jack, the guy you're clearly supposed to be with, your real Prince Charming, you just give up on?" She's perplexed and outraged. "I'm starting to think Jack's right. You're not fighting for him. You're running away instead," she accuses.

  "I'm not running," I defend myself sobbing. "I'm learning from past mistakes. Marie, I asked him point blank if he loves me, and his response was, 'I don't know.' How much clearer do I want it? To quote Sam's blunt observation: Do I need a neon sign on his forehead letting me know it's over?"

  "You choose now to quote Sam's idiotic comment," she sneers. "Fuck, Ellie!"

  "I need to call the magazine to let them know I'll be moving to New York, then make arrangements with Rob to stay with him, until I find my own place," I say dejectedly, because my only option is to move full speed ahead. I have to keep my mind busy, until I'm across the country away from Jack.

  "New York, then?" she glares, sadly. "You can stay here, Ellie. Don't run."

  "I'm not running," I repeat in my defense. "I'm trying to protect myself, to do better, and grow up. Staying here means seeing Jack and Mike more often than I care to. They're still your friends…our friends. They do have a way of showing up in our lives. It's for the best, Marie. I'm tired, exhausted of fighting first for Mike and now for Jack. It's time I fight for me. It's way overdue."

  She shakes her head and hugs me, because that's all she can do for me.

  ●●●

  Rob's thrilled I'
m moving to New York, and I want to live with him for a while. But he's also worried about what's happened with Jack. He thinks Marie is right, that I should stay and fight for him.

  Neither he nor Marie understand how awful Jack's "I don't know" felt. Mike's non-answer to why he left me was shitty but Jack's feels worse. It feels definitive.

  I can't stay. I won't stay to be haunted by what could've been. I did that with Mike for far too long and lost myself in the process.

  "You can stay with me as long as you like. We'll be roomies forever, if that's what you want. You're my sweet girl, my best friend, and I love you more than I can express. I'll make sure you have fun things to do day and night. I'll definitely introduce you to some very charming, successful men. Count on it! But I think you belong with Jack," says Rob.

  "I love you, Rob, forever, but this is the last time I'll allow you to say that to me. It doesn't help me. Jack's made his choice. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. What I can do is move on. I can find my life somewhere else, have a great career, and heal my heart, so that it can eventually be open and receptive to a man that's ready and able to love me the way I deserve. Maybe I'll even learn not to fuck it up," I laugh, trying to find some humor in this tragedy.

  He exhales sharply. "Okay, Ellie, I won't mention it again. Just make sure you're one hundred percent positive you've done everything you can. No regrets."

  I roll my eyes, frustrated. I've been getting the same nonsense from Marie.

  "I have. I told him he owns my heart, and he said he doesn't know if he loves me. End of story."

  I can't take any more of this, it's draining.

  I make an excuse to end the call.

  "We'll talk later, sweetie. I have a lot of planning and packing to do. See you soon, love you," I hang up.

  Rob and Marie don't understand why I'm not pining around crying for Jack, like I did for Mike. They think I've given up, that I'm unwilling to fight for him, maybe even that I don't love him enough.

  Losing Jack will mark my life forever. A year ago, I would've said it was Mike, who owned the most important period of my life; who owned my heart. I was addicted to him, but like any addiction, it was unhealthy and destructive.