The Thing About Love... (The Thing About... #1)

by J. M. Raphaelle

  I'd like to think I've grown up a bit since then. Jack's love gave me a natural high and taught me how to love myself, because he was always there for me, despite everything, despite everyone. But his "I don't know" ruined it.

  I can survive without Jack, not because I don't love him, but because I do. I know what I want now, what I'm willing to accept and not accept in my life. I've gotten here, in part, because of him.

  That immature, ego driven man, who's afraid to love because he doesn't love himself, is not someone I want in my life anymore.

  I choose a man that's warm, loving, affectionate and kind, a man with an open heart who sees me. I choose Jack. Well, someone like him, because he doesn't love me, not enough to fight for me.

  Losing Jack is the hardest thing I will have to endure, of that I'm sure. He deserves more than a miserable, pitiful, hopeless mess of a girl unable to let go. He loved me too well. His love built me up so high, breaking down is not an option.

  With Mike I was lost.

  With Jack I found myself.

  Now, a new life awaits me in New York.

  CHAPTER 38

  I JUST HAVE A few more things to pack, my flight is booked, and I'm almost ready to head to New York.

  It hasn't been an easy past few days. Jack has not left my mind. Not one day, not one hour, not one minute, not one second.

  As sad as this end is, I also have a lot to smile about. I will always remember the absolutely fascinating things we did. He took me to the top of a mountain at dusk. I'm sure no one else will ever do that for me again.

  I suppose he can take his next girlfriend there.

  Hell, maybe that's his thing.

  I hope not.

  I choose to think he did that just for me.

  I mentally send him my best wishes every time I think of him, because that's what you should do when you love someone.

  ●●●

  I'm taking a break from packing, and watching a random documentary on Netflix, not really paying attention. Truth is, I just need noise to distract me.

  Marie walks into the living room and stands in front of me, blocking my view of the TV.

  She's scowling.

  Something's happened.

  "What's up? Why the face?"

  "I have something to show you," she broods.

  "Okay…" I caution. "What?"

  "I'm only showing you because I think you should know, not to upset you," she warns.

  "Okay…" I repeat, intrigued and getting a little worried.

  She shows me her iPhone. "Jack's been texting me asking about you."

  "For how long?"

  "For days. I've gotten four texts in the last few seconds. He's starting to annoy me."

  "What does he want?"

  "To know how you are, when you're leaving, if you're okay. Take a look," she hands me her phone.

  Jack: Is she ok?

  Marie: Who?

  Jack: Marie!

  Marie: What do you care!

  Jack: Please

  Jack: Just tell me she's ok

  Marie: She's ok

  Jack: You're lying

  Marie: Maybe

  Jack: Don't be mean

  Marie: You're mean to put it politely… Burn!

  Marie: Leave her alone you got what you wanted

  Jack: What do you mean?!

  Marie: You won't see her again… Ever!

  Jack: What! What do you mean?!?!?

  Marie: Go to hell Jack! You told her you don't know if you love her deal with it!

  Jack: What do you mean I won't see her again?!

  Marie: She's moving to NY thanks to you!

  Jack: She can't leave!

  Jack: Tell her she can't leave!

  Marie: Why would I do that? It's your fault she's leaving!

  Jack: Please Marie!

  Marie: !!!

  Jack: Fuck!

  Jack: At least tell me how she is

  Marie: That's none of your business anymore!

  Jack: Tell me!

  Marie: Ugh whatever Jack!

  I glare at her, mildly amused. "How many texts are there? You've been going back and forth with him like this?"

  "Yep," she nods.

  "You're just taunting him…"

  "He deserves it!" She giggles, clearly proud of herself.

  "What do the latest ones say?" I ask, while I scroll down.

  Jack: Marie please tell me when she's leaving

  Jack: Waiting…

  Jack: Answer me!

  Jack: Fuck! Fucking answer me!

  "Damn, he cursed at you!" I bite my lip, trying to suppress my smile.

  I'm excited he's thinking about me, that I'm still on his mind.

  She giggles, "Yep, that's why I didn't answer him. Besides, he really wants to hear from you. He should be texting you, not me…If he had the balls!"

  "Marie!" I shake my head at her.

  "I know he's your Jack, but I can't solve his issues. He has to do that on his own," she teases.

  "Answer him," I plead with her.

  "You answer him," she counters.

  "But it's your phone and he texted you," I narrow my eyes at her.

  "Ellie, you do know that if you answer him, he won't know it's you touching the little keys on the screen to make words, right?"

  "Duh!" I roll my eyes. "But I still want you to text him back," I hand her the iPhone.

  "You're as bad as he is. Like I said…made for each other." She shakes her head in mock disbelief.

  "Text!" I command grinning.

  Marie: She leaves in a couple of days

  Jack: How is she?

  Marie: Same as yesterday same as the day before

  Jack: Doesn't tell me much

  Marie: Too bad…

  I'm next to her eyeing her answers, amused.

  He's so adorable.

  An idiot for rejecting me, but adorable!

  Jack: I need more

  Marie: I'm sure

  Jack: Please Marie

  Marie: What!?

  Marie: Is she crying for you? No!

  Marie: Has she stopped eating? No!

  Marie: Is she dreaming of you? No!

  He doesn't reply immediately…

  Finally, three minutes later.

  Jack: Does she have a place in NY?

  Marie: Yes

  Jack: Where?

  Jack: With who?

  Marie: Her true love

  "Stop antagonizing him!" I give her a playful shove.

  "I'm enjoying this too much not to," she laughs.

  "Stop!" I finally laugh openly.

  Jack: Fuck Marie!

  Marie: Duh! With Rob

  Jack: Good

  Marie: And his gorgeous roommate

  He doesn't respond, and I'm done watching this cat and mouse routine. I can't deny I'm elated that he wants to know about me, but it's a trap.

  If I give his texts any credence, I will trap myself in a cycle of hope. Hope that he'll come back to me. Hope that he'll tell me he loves me. Hope for a future. I can't afford the uncertainty of the hopeless hope that's starting to brew in my heart, after reading his texts.

  Marie is right, if he wants to know about me, he should text me, he should be here talking to me, holding me, kissing me.

  Stop, enough, Ellie!

  "I'm going to take a shower. It's late, and there's no point to this. Like you said, if he really cared, he'd be talking to me," I say discouraged and turn off the TV.

  "I didn't say if he really cared. Of course he cares! Otherwise he wouldn't be annoying me with so many questions."

  "Maybe," I sigh. "I'm taking a shower." I get up from the sofa and begin to walk away.

  "What do you want me to say to him when he replies?" She calls out after me.

  "Whatever you want," I shrug and motion with my hands that I don't care.

  CHAPTER 39

 
THE WARM WATER feels relaxing on my face. My eyes are closed and all thoughts drift to Jack.

  God, I love him.

  Who would've thought I'd be here, after that first time at Sonny McLean's, saying wholeheartedly: I LOVE JACK MILIAN!

  But I have to let him go, because even though he's asking about me, he won't fight for me, not against Mike's nonsensical claims.

  He won't admit he loves me, but I think he does. It comforts me to believe it.

  It will take me a long time to get over him, but I'm hopeful one day I will. He will be the one I measure all men against.

  The shower door flies open!

  "What the hell!" I'm startled.

  I turn and see Jack. His eyes are blazing with determination.

  Am I dreaming?

  My heart is pounding so hard out of my chest by his presence that I forget my nakedness.

  "What are…" before I can finish, he steps into the shower fully dressed, grabs my face with both hands, and kisses me urgently.

  His mouth invades mine, his lips pull and tug at mine desperately, begging me to let him love me. It takes me a nanosecond to realize this is not a dream, and Jack is really here.

  His hands move to my back and crush my naked body to his. He places his forehead on mine and exhales sharply, "My Ellie."

  I'm holding on to his shoulders. I want to stay in his arms forever, but I can't.

  "No!" I push him away.

  I take a deep breath and cross my hands over my chest to cover myself.

  "What are you doing here, Jack?" I demand.

  How dare he do this to me! He can't disturb the little peace of mind I have.

  He's drenched, the water revealing every contour of his delectable body underneath that wet, white shirt. The captivating sight of him is distracting, so much so that I almost overlook my anger.

  I catch myself and scowl at him, protecting myself from him, because one right word, and I will be his for good.

  "Don't hide your body from me, Ellie," he pleads, reaches for me, and holds me by the arms.

  I plant myself strong, so he won't be able to move me. But I know that one swift pull, and I'll be in his arms.

  "Answer me, Jack. What are you doing here?" I try to shake his hands off me.

  "I need you, baby. Please let me stay," he pulls me into an embrace.

  His words almost do me in, but before I let him stay, I need to know what this is. I can't let my heart hope, if he's going to walk away later. I love him, more than he actually realizes, but I will not let him, or any other man, yo-yo his way in and out of my life anymore.

  I want all or nothing.

  If he won't give that, I will kick him out for good!

  "You need me now?" I breathe into his chest, where my face is happily resting.

  "Yes," he replies.

  "Do you want me?"

  "Yes," he repeats.

  "Just for today?"

  He realizes where I'm going. He tips my face up to him with his fingers, examines me with yearning and reverence, and kisses me slowly on the lips.

  "Today, tomorrow, and every day after. I don't make sense without you, Ellie."

  "Are you sure, Jack?" I stare at him.

  "Yes."

  "I can't do this. I won't. Not if you're unsure, if you're going to walk away again," I say firmly, gazing into his eyes, trying to hide the fear eating me up inside.

  "I'm sorry I walked away from you. I'm so sorry," he pleads. "You're the oxygen I need to breathe. The thought of not being able to touch you, to love you is asphyxiating me. The thought of you with anyone else tortures my crippled heart. I've been dwelling in the pits of hell without you. Save me, Ellie. Please love me again. Let me love you," he implores.

  "I've believed you so many times, Jack. Then you pull away from me," I say, anguish in my voice.

  "I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry."

  "That's not good enough," I gaze into his worried eyes. "I won't allow you to play with me again, to hurt me, to slay me, no matter how much I love you."

  "Slay you? Baby, no!"

  "That's what you do to me every time you walk away, Jack," I confess with tears in my eyes.

  "No," he closes his eyes and holds me tighter, horrified he's hurt me so deeply.

  "Do you love me?" I ask expectantly.

  "Yes!" He opens his eyes and kisses my wet lips.

  "Do you choose me, the way I choose you, against everyone and everything?" I need an absolute answer.

  "Yes, baby, I do!"

  His bright bluish-gray eyes tell me he's not lying, that he loves me as much as I love him, that he's choosing me. I see him, and he finally sees me. The uncertainty is gone, this time for good.

  I throw my arms around him and kiss his titillating lips, which I've been missing so much.

  I have my Jack back!

  We hear Beyoncé's "Drunk in Love" playing loudly, invading the entire house.

  It's Marie's doing.

  He smiles, and I giggle at her timing.

  "How the hell did this happen? Because I am drunk in love with you, baby," he words on my lips between kisses.

  The soft kisses morph into deep, needy, carnal desire. His lips are all consuming, pleading for forgiveness for lying when he said he didn't know if he loved me.

  The torment that's been building inside me since I heard him say, "I don't know," the exhaustion and anguish piling up inside my soul thinking I'd lost him are too much to contain inside my vulnerable heart. And I let out a deep sob between his whispers of, "I love you, Ellie, I love you."

  I hold him as tightly as my arms can muster, because I never want to let him go. He can feel my ache, my need for him, and his lips are making sure I know I own him, as much as he owns me.

  Yearning, frantic desire is taking over us. He pins me against the wall, one arm wrapped firmly around my waist, his other hand nestled in my hair, cradling my head, and his mouth is venerating mine. My hands are in his hair, holding on tightly, and all I can think is, "He's mine!"

  I take a breath and look at him. I put my hands on his chest and begin to unbutton his shirt. I'm trying to move as quickly as my clumsy fingers can manage.

  He watches me with lascivious desire, while I work the pesky little buttons.

  Finally! I slide the shirt off his arms and toss it on the floor. I run my lips over his naked chest, leaving tiny kisses as I go, a dust of his hair softly tickling me. Then I trace the outline of the muscles of his arms with my index fingers.

  He's watching me intently, his hands around my hips pulling me stalwartly into his erection.

  Mmm, I can't wait!

  I move my hands to his chest again and slide my index finger down the middle of his abs. Then I take a detour to trace that V that leads me to the button of his jeans.

  He's staring at me, grinning, but doesn't move. He's letting me do as I please. His jeans are bulging tight. I lick my lower lip in anticipation, as I flick open the button and pull down the zipper. I sneak one hand inside his boxers and grab his impressive erection.

  "Mmm," he groans. "I crave you so much, baby," he whispers

  I move my hand to pleasure him. I've been here before. I'm excited to be here again.

  "Stop," he says suddenly.

  What? No!

  He takes my hand out of his boxers and pulls my hips into his bulge again, kisses my cheek, and whispers in my ear, "Bed. I'm going to love every inch of you, Ellie. I'm going to take my time savoring you, pleasuring you, like you deserve."

  He starts to nibble at my earlobe, sending tingles through my body. "And I don't want us to break our respective necks in this shower," he spanks me, making me yelp.

  I look at him turned on and excited. The fire inside me is scorching.

  Please hurry up, Jack!

  "Okay," I manage to say.

  He reaches behind me to turn off the shower, then fastens his hands around my long hair and wrings out some of
the water.

  Grabbing a towel, he orders, "Arms up." I do as I'm told, and he wraps it around me. Then he takes another towel and gently runs it through my hair.

  We step out of the shower, and I hear a squeak. I look down and notice he's got his sneakers on — he ruined one expensive pair.

  "I was in a hurry," his glorious lips twisting playfully.

  "It looks like it," I pun delighted.

  He bends down and removes them, along with his socks, while I step toward the vanity to search for condoms.

  "I've got it covered," he says, guessing what I'm looking for. "I came here determined to love you, Ellie, hoping you'd let me."

  "Of course you did," I fire back, grinning.

  He grabs my hand and walks me to my bedroom, as Ed Sheeran's "Thinking Out Loud" accompanies us.

  I look up at him. "I think we're going to have our own soundtrack the entire night. Thin walls," I smile.

  He grins back and winks at me.

  Thank you, Marie!

  ●●●

  We're standing in front of my bed. I try to remove his jeans, but the wet material isn't cooperating. He places his hands on top of mine and helps me push them down, along with his boxers. He steps out of them, pushes them aside with his feet, and wraps his arms around me. His hands are on my behind, but I keep mine in front of me.

  I have big plans for them.

  He kisses me passionately, and I take his erection with my eager hands and massage him up and down, soft and hard, until he moans on my lips.

  I make an effort to kneel to take him in my mouth, but he stops me.

  "Please," I beg.

  "Later."

  He takes off my towel, tosses it, and lays me gently on the bed. "I need to taste you first, baby," he whispers, "and love you like you've never been loved before. Love you like you belong to me, like I belong to you!"

  He lies on top of me, his legs on either side of mine. He's holding himself up by his elbows and is gazing at me. His beautiful bluish-grays are full of love...and regret. Regret that he left, regret that he didn't tell me he loves me, regret that he almost lost me.

  I take his face with my hands and stare back at him. I kiss his lips softly, over and over, while Camila's crooning "Todo Cambió."

  "You hear that, even the universe knew you were mine," I whisper.