My Blue River

by Leslie Trammell

  He responded, “It doesn’t matter when or where we ski, as long as I’m with you.”

  While Mother Nature spent the next few weeks dumping white, fluffy snow on Blue River, I spent the next few weeks prattling on about Sheridan. Somehow her upcoming visit was causing me to forget my revelation that some of Sheridan’s personality traits were less than appealing. For some reason I still idolized her. I kept telling Jack how amazing Sheridan was and how much I envied her confidence and beauty. She was funny and smart. He would just nod and say, “You’re all those things and more.” I would respond with a flat, “Yeah, right.”

  After what seemed like an endless amount of time, Thanksgiving finally arrived. Jack and I spent most of our time together and today was no exception. We plotted a way to have our families spend the holiday together. I suspected they knew what we were up to but no one objected. I loved how well our families got along. I even pictured how completely easy it would be to have the Davis and Cooper families as in-laws. I smiled at the thought then scolded myself because it would probably not be in my future. We ate until our bodies insisted we stop. Jack decided being active was the solution to our problem so we donned our snow gear and rode snowmobiles. The cold wind blew the locks of hair below my hat and I still couldn’t believe I was riding on a snowmobile in Po-dunk Montana with the greatest guy in the world.

  We stopped for a snowball fight, which led to our bodies falling to the ground, laying juxtaposition to one another’s. The heat our bodies began to create from the passionate kisses could have melted snow for a three mile radius. Finally, another passionate kiss!

  “You’re making me sweat,” Jack whispered breathlessly in my ear.

  “It’s all the snow gear,” I whispered back, equally breathless, but shockingly logical.

  “No, it’s you. You drive me crazy you know.”

  “Crazy in a good way?”

  “Oh yeah—in a good way.”

  His lips found mine and we resumed our passionate winter kiss. When my back felt cold as ice, I could no longer deny that I wasn’t lying in a bed of cotton balls.

  “We should probably go back now,” I suggested.

  Jack let out a heavy sigh, knowing I was right. I assumed he felt it was in the “man code” to object. “No, let’s stay,” he suggested as he nibbled on my neck. Through his busy lips he mumbled, “One more minute?”

  “If we stay one more minute, I’ll be frozen solid.”

  “The exchange of body heat is the best remedy for that you know.” His warm breath made me shudder.

  “Now you’re driving me crazy.” I wanted to respond to his request to stay, but broke away. “Okay, seriously, we should go. I don’t want to deal with my mom’s inquisition.”

  After another heavy sigh, Jack admitted, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

  It didn’t take long to arrive back at my house and once we did, we discovered our families didn’t wait for us to have dessert. It was a plan that worked to our advantage. This way Jack and I enjoyed dessert alone in the kitchen at the breakfast bar. As I dished up the pie, we heard his parents dismiss themselves for the evening.

  “So, have you enjoyed your first white Thanksgiving?” asked Jack.

  “I have actually. I never thought I would like snow, or snowmobiles, or hats that make my hair look like crap.”

  He laughed at my vanity. “Wait until you try downhill skiing. You’ll love it.”

  “I’m excited, almost as excited as seeing Sheridan.”

  “You definitely sound like good friends.”

  “Oh yeah, we’ve known each other for a long time. She knows everything about me. She is so…amazing…I guess that’s the word. Like I’ve been saying, she’s everything I’d like to be.”

  “Hmm.”

  “Why the skeptical “hmm?”

  “I just have a feeling you’re wrong because I like you just the way you are. I can’t imagine Sheridan is anything as close to the amazing that you are.”

  “That’s sweet, Jack. Thanks, but you’ll meet Sheridan and wish I was her.”

  “Addy. Stop. You have nothing to worry about. By the way, are you excited to introduce her to your boyfriend?” My head snapped up. My eyes met his gaze. I felt my face flush cherry red and my heart beat faster. We hadn’t used the words boyfriend or girlfriend to describe our relationship. I stammered. It was an exciting thought—my boyfriend, Jack—but it was also a bit nerve-wracking. My mind flashed forward to August and I tried to picture leaving him. I had so effectively dismissed that thought until this moment. I shook my head from the unpleasant reverie.

  “Uh—I—uh,” My delayed response raised suspicion on his part.

  “You are my girlfriend, right, Addy?”

  “Well—we—uh—we’ve not really discussed that, I guess. I thought we were casual but committed.”

  “Excuse me? Casual but committed? What does that mean? We are anything but casual, don’t you think?” His eyes narrowed with a touch of irritation. “I consider you my girlfriend. Don’t you consider me your boyfriend?”

  “I’m reluctant to say boyfriend.” I couldn’t look up. It was impossible to meet his eyes because I knew he would look hurt or angry or somehow, a combination of both.

  He threw his fork to his pumpkin pie, piercing it through the heart like an Elk in hunting season. I had apparently just done the same thing to him. Okay. He’s definitely not happy with my response.

  I finally forced myself to face him. “Jack, come on. Be realistic. We can’t have a serious relationship. I mean, after all, I’m still leaving this summer. Let’s just enjoy what we have and quit trying to label it.” I turned back to continue eating my pie, as if that would somehow make this conversation go away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his jaw flex. He bit his lower lip to resists what he really wanted to say.

  Finally, he spoke. “I see. I didn’t know we were dating other people.” He paused, staring intently at me. In my mind I was thinking, “Hell no! You’re not dating anyone but me!” But when my expression added nothing else to the conversation, he stood and put his hands on his hips. “I have poured my heart out to you, Addy. Remember that day at the top of Castle Peak Falls when we shared our first kiss? I thought you felt the same way.” He pushed the pie plate away and stepped away from the breakfast bar.

  “Jack, I do feel the same way and I’m not dating anyone else, seriously! You know that you’re the only guy I want to be with.” I stood and reached for him but he took a step back. He was hurt and angry and I was certain I had caused him some confusion. Even I’m confused!

  “Then why are we not boyfriend and girlfriend? Am I missing something here?”

  “No, no…Jack, I just…can’t we please just continue things the way they are?” I walked closer to him and his body language relaxed. He didn’t resist my touch. “I mean, it is good, right? We are having fun, right?” I tried to give him an adorable look, to which he responded with a lopsided smile. He looked to the ceiling and let out a heavy sigh as he pulled me to his chest.

  “Yeah, we’re good. I just want to know I have you to myself. It scares me that you don’t want to call me your boyfriend.” He kissed my forehead.

  I peered up at him. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not committed or faithful, I just know it’s going to be hard enough when I leave. I don’t want to say I left my boyfriend in Montana. Especially since it’s you.”

  “Then don’t leave. Stay with me,” he chuckled knowing his plea was futile.

  This time I gave him a lopsided smile. “You know I have to leave. I’ve already applied to every college there is in California and not to sound arrogant, but I’m bound to get accepted to at least one of them, if not all of them.”

  Our eyes met. We both knew it had to be this way and agreed to enjoy the months that lie ahead of us. The kitchen wasn’t really an environment that lent itself to romance, so we settled for a long embrace. I walked him to the front door, where under my father’s scrutinizing eyes Jack b
lushed as he gave me a peck on the cheek. It was good the so-called labeling of our relationship had finally been settled.

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  Thursday, November 25

  Thanksgiving

  Well, news to me today: Addy thinks if we say we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we’re labeling ourselves and that is somehow a bad thing and somehow it will make it easier when she leaves for college. Is this a California thing?

  I wonder when she’ll get real with me—no—better yet, get real with herself. I know she feels everything that I do. I know that she thinks of herself as my girlfriend and if she’d be honest with herself, she would call me her boyfriend.

  God help me, but I’m falling in love with this crazy, stubborn girl.

  ********

  On a freezing cold, mid-December day, Sheridan arrived from Southern California. Her over-bleached hair blazed like the sun and flew wildly in the air as she ran toward us at the baggage claim. Everything about her screamed “Hollywood” or at the very least, “A Hollywood Wannabe.” She and I embraced, jumping up and down like we were little girls again.

  “How was your flight, Sheridan?” asked Mom.

  “Fine, Mrs. Davis. Again, thank you for letting me come to Montana,” Sheridan replied.

  “You are welcome anytime,” Dad added.

  “Hi, Sheridan,” Aaron gushed. He had always had a crush on her, which was completely ridiculous since he would never be in her league.

  “Hey, twerp,” she replied as she ruffled the top of his head as if he were the family pet. I exchanged a glance with Aaron and mouthed, “I’m sorry.” I realized in that moment I hadn’t told her about the no-nickname pact Aaron and I shared.

  Sheridan flung her arm around my shoulders, and whispered in my ear. “I can’t wait to stir things up in your little, what did you call it? One horse town? This should be fun!” She was giddy with excitement but I suddenly felt a pang of guilt. I should have let her know I cared more about my new friends than I had let on in our texts, emails, and phone calls. We had talked about Jack, but I hadn’t really expressed my level of commitment to him. It didn’t really hit me until this exact moment she wasn’t fully aware of anything I was thinking or feeling about Blue River and its people.

  On the ride to our home, Sheridan prattled on about what had been happening in California and filled my parents in on all the friends they had once had. I noticed a slight grimace on my dad’s face which I found to be confusing. When we reached our driveway, Sheridan’s gaping expression revealed she was amazed, if not completely impressed, at how large and beautiful everything was—the house, the yard, the mountains, the trees, the river—everything had exceeded her expectations and she was seeing it in its winter wonderland form. I, too, had to concede this was a crazy beautiful place.

  ********

  When Jack arrived the next morning for our ski trip, I could tell he, too, had exceeded her expectations. She turned on the sexy as fast as you could say, “Jack.” Her voice was sticky sweet. Jealousy reared its ugly head and I suddenly got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me things were going to go horribly wrong today.

  “So, you’re, Jack,” she stated. She caressed the back side of his hand as she shook it.

  Jack’s eyebrows arched, “Oh, you’ve heard of me?” He shot a surprised look in my direction.

  “Oh, yes, Addy says you’re one of her best friends in Blue River.” Sheridan was standing so close to Jack, she probably now smelled like his cologne. She turned around to look at me and mouthed, “Wow!” She was not only impressed but very attracted to Jack. In a matter of just a few minutes, she thought he was as adorable as I did.

  “Best friend, huh?” He looked around her at me with a look of pure irritation. “That’s nice… nice to know.” He was being sarcastic and never broke his gaze from my eyes until I looked away in shame.

  “Oh, yes. She says you’re a lot of fun. You’re helping make her time in Blue River less painful, I think that’s how she put it.” She turned around and look at me asked, “Is painful the word you used, Addy? I just can’t seem to remember.” She didn’t even bother to hear my response and in all honesty, I didn’t know if I had ever described Blue River as painful, but I probably did, which only added to the shame I felt for hurting Jack. Her demeaning tone began to grate on my nerves.

  I wanted to put a gag in her mouth and make her stop talking. I was seething and couldn’t help but find myself feeling angry. I knew I had to let it go. After all, I had told Jack I wanted to be casual yet committed and Sheridan was only here for a few days. Thank God her parents want her back for Christmas. I now knew I wouldn’t be able to handle very many hours of Sheridan’s antics, let only days. Oh, how time and space can change a relationship.

  I had forgotten what it was like to be around her. She was a compulsive flirt and I had to remind myself this was the Sheridan I knew and loved and after all, I had invited her. She would flirt but it was harmless. She wouldn’t pursue Jack with any level of serious intention. This was all just a game to her and I just needed to re-adjust my thinking. I needed time to get used to what it feels like to be around her and watch her in action. I told myself over and over, putting Jack and Sheridan in the same room was going to be fine.

  We finally got around to loading the cars as we received the final reminder to be careful from my parents. We said our good-byes and left to gather our “snow bunnies” at The Barn. After a few deep breaths, my pulse had restored itself to a normal beat. We were there before I was ready to invite Sheridan into my new friend’s worlds, but I had to start at some point. I introduced her to Zeek, Sallie, Mimi, Mac, Claire, and Ethan. For once, Claire had convinced Ethan to do something with her friends. Sheridan poured on the charm. Watching her performance made me wonder if I, too, had once appeared this fake. It was like looking into a mirror and finding a really disturbing image. I almost felt embarrassed to call her my best friend.

  Mac and Zeek didn’t mind anything at all about her. They were both falling over themselves trying to impress her. When I asked who would be riding in Rover with Sheridan and I, Mac and Zeek ran as hard as they could to find a spot in the back, which, to their disappointment, was already occupied by Sallie and Mimi.

  “Guess we’ll ride with Coop,” said Zeek, clearly disappointed.

  “Guess so. Sorry, guys,” I offered. I genuinely almost felt sorry for them. They looked like dejected little boys. It made me realize how glad I was Mac didn’t hold a grudge about homecoming or my relationship with Jack. I remembered the first time he saw me and Jack holding hands at The Barn. He walked up and said, “Well, I guess I knew this would happen. Congrats, Jack.”

  Mac and Zeek found a ride in Jack’s Jeep. Ethan and Claire rode in Ethan’s Ford pickup truck. They had decided to spend the night in a room at the lodge. That was an entirely different matter that concerned me. I made a mental note to discuss that with Claire on another day.

  “Let’s motor, people!” yelled Mac.

  Jack walked me over to Rover, touching my hand and stopping me before I got in. “Remember what I taught you about driving in snow, okay?”

  “I got it. Don’t worry.”

  “I do worry. Be careful.”

  “You, too.”

  I tip-toed up for a kiss, but he pulled back and walked away to his Jeep. I knew immediately Sheridan’s words hit the same nerve I had been hitting over and over again, only it was no longer the “just friends” nerve, it was the “boyfriend or not” nerve. It’s amazing he puts up with me.

  Knowing Jack was upset made it hard to keep my mind on the road. I managed to make the one-hour drive to the ski resort turn into a two-hour nail-biter. Sallie and Mimi were very patient with me, chalking it all up to me being an inexperienced snow driver. They kept giving me encouraging words like, “You’re doing great, Addy.” Making matters worse was listening to Sheridan ramble on about her glorious California lifestyle. I stole a glance at Sallie in
the mirror. She was rolling her eyes and sticking one finger in her mouth. I chuckled slightly, which Sheridan didn’t even notice. I swear, she didn’t even stop talking to take a breath.

  What has happened to me? Just weeks ago, I idolized Sheridan. She was everything I had wanted to be. As I watched her, I felt like I didn’t know who she was. Has she changed or have I? This trip was meant to be fun and exciting and now I could only feel frustration and confusion. It seemed I had fallen into some type of self-awareness exercise that my mom might have constructed.

  Once we arrived at the ski resort, I was met with a few jokes from Mac and Zeek about my driving—“We all aged ten years just trying to get here,” and “Geez, Addy we pulled off and ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner waiting for you.” Jack escorted us to the ski rental department, where Sheridan continued to demand his attention. I swallowed hard, holding back my desire to tell her to back off, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.