My Blue River

by Leslie Trammell

  “I think we need to go home after you sober up, Harrison.”

  “I’m fine. You’re being ridiculous, Adelaide.”

  I threw my hands in the air and walked back to the front door of The Barn. I felt embarrassed when I walked back inside. We muddled our way through the rest of the night the best we could until I pawned Harrison off on Zeek so I could find Claire. I spent the evening telling Claire how I couldn’t have been more wrong about Harrison. He wasn’t the mature, sophisticated, man I thought he was. He was a party boy dressed us an adult. I had heard this from others when I first met him, but dismissed it, just like everything else I swept under the rug. This couldn’t be ignored any longer. He seemed so completely different and had just come here to poke fun at the “rednecks.” I suddenly felt ashamed, knowing I was to blame. Relief washed over me as I remembered we had only come for the weekend.

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  March 17

  Addy’s spring break – my not-so-happy St. Paddy’s Day

  I wonder if The Barn will mail me the shattered pieces of my heart that hit the floor tonight. Surely, they must have swept up the shards. I went there because I heard that’s where Addy would be. Her Dad and Claire both told me she would be there which I took as a hint that she wanted to see me, but they obviously didn’t know any more than I did about Addy’s “travel companion.” I went specifically to tell her I wanted to get back together. I was punched in the gut when some arrogant asshole introduced himself as Addy’s boyfriend. Her expression was that of complete discomfort. She looked out of place standing at his side. When he put his arm around her waist I wanted to tear it off and beat him with it. But I refrained. His name is Harry, no, not Harry-Harrison. He made sure I knew he was with her.

  I know he isn’t a better match for her than me! He made a really stupid move tonight by buying Aaron some beer. Addy hit the roof! What really worries me is the way he dragged her outside by her arm. I saw her wince in pain and that was it for me…I went looking for them. I guess he felt like she disrespected him but who buys an addict beer? Actually, who buys a minor some beer? She did the right thing by calling him on it. When I found them outside, she said everything was fine and that she didn’t need help, but her eyes told me she was scared. I really wanted to go hold her in my arms and tell her she was safe. I wanted to rescue her from him.

  I can’t let her go. I just can’t. I don’t care if there is a Harrison in the picture. I mean, if he was a man I could respect the relationship, then I would do better at letting go, but he’s a jerk. This isn’t over.

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  Monday, March 19

  Good news! I saw Addy’s dad at Brody’s today. He said she isn’t serious about Harrison. Bill doesn’t like him at all and he’s certain she is going to call off the relationship—I just gagged on the word relationship. I couldn’t believe he even talked to me about this guy but, I know he cares. Bill is a great man.

  She isn’t serious—it’s probably going to end—my one ray of hope. I somehow need to be her knight in shining armor again. I want to be her hero.

  ********

  On the day of our departure, I was rocking back and forth on the front porch swing when Aaron took a seat beside me. We rocked silently until I could no longer resist.

  “Why would you do that to me?” I asked, staring straight ahead.

  “Do what?” asked Aaron.

  “You know what or you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Aaron was looking down at his lap in shame. He felt bad and to my surprise, he offered an apology.

  “I’m sorry, Addy. I shouldn’t have done that to you. But he’s twenty one, I couldn’t resist. After you guys were done talking to Jack, Harrison came over to me and said being at The Barn would be more bearable if he had a good buzz. I couldn’t help but jump on that, right?”

  “He said that?” The statement reaffirmed my thoughts of Harrison. Oh, he liked me alright, but I had set the tone with my own comments about Blue River. I had apparently made him think he had license to come here and be critical of it and of my friends. I couldn’t believe how sad and ashamed I felt. I’ve made a fine mess of things.

  “I guess he’s not who I thought he was. Have you seen him by the way? Where is he?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I just saw him. He was about to take a shower,” said Aaron. “He’s probably lucky to be alive.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Jack was furious when he saw Harrison pull you outside. I was well buzzed, but even I could see he was being too rough with you. That’s why I showed up, but Jack beat me there. I’ve never seen him move so fast.”

  I had—the time he pulled me away from the edge of a cliff at Castle Peak Falls. The first time we kissed.

  “By the way, what did Jack whisper to you last night?” I asked.

  Aaron let out a laugh as he recalled the comment. “He told me to warn my party buddy that if he ever touched you like that again, he’d tear every limb from his body with his bare hands. You know what? I think he would, too.”

  We both laughed because the truth was, Jack was a lover not a fighter, but when pushed to the limits, he would defend those he loved. That was one of life’s certainties.

  ********

  It had been an uncomfortable visit and once again, I was thankful I had chosen not to stay for the entire spring break. I had to pretend I still liked Harrison when all I felt was disgust for him. My plan was to dump him when we were safely in California.

  However, my dad didn’t miss a thing. I was finishing packing my suitcase when I heard a knock on the door.

  “Have a minute?” asked Dad.

  “Sure.” I looked up from my suitcase. “Come on in.”

  He looked back out into the hallway then shut the door.

  “Addy, I’m not feeling very comfortable about Harrison. I spoke with Jack at Brody’s this morning and—”

  I cut him off. “Dad, don’t worry. I’m fine. He just grabbed my arm. We had a disagreement but don’t worry, I plan to break it off with him when we get back to the campus. He showed his true colors this weekend.”

  A wave of relief washed over his face, but he still added, “Having a disagreement doesn’t mean he gets to lay one finger on you, Addy. Aaron mentioned it to me, too. Sounds like Harrison held onto you rough enough to draw some attention.”

  “You know, he could’ve never laid a hand on me and no one in Blue River would have liked him, except for Mom,” I offered a grim smile.

  He nodded in agreement. “We had words about her helping Harrison.”

  “I’m sure you did.” I refrained from telling him that Aaron had heard the entire argument. I’m sure he’s embarrassed by Mom’s actions.

  Dad went on, “But still…that part doesn’t matter. Harrison will never touch you again.”

  I nodded in agreement. He was right. Harrison had no right to pull me outside by my arm so roughly that today I found bruises. I had nothing to say that wouldn’t sound like I was defending his actions and I would in no way defend Harrison Winthorpe.

  I was looking down at my packed suitcase when a new wave of emotion came over me. Hot tears formed in my eyes. “Dad, why does it hurt so much to love someone?” I asked.

  He was by my side in two strides and I fell into his arms, letting the tears flow.

  He replied, “It hurts sometimes because some of the best relationships get tested, but they’re worth fighting for and in the end, you’ll find true happiness.”

  “It doesn’t feel that way right now. The idea of fighting for Jack seems…pointless. It seems like we just can’t win.”

  “You can come home you know. Montana has good universities, too. That would help.”

  “You know I can’t. I set my plan, Dad. I have to stick with it.”

  “Plans can change. You didn’t plan on loving Jack, right?”

  “Yeah, that
’s true.”

  “Addy, Jack loves you. I know you and your mother think you’re too young, but consider this, sometimes God only sends the right thing your way once. It’s your job to recognize that chance.” He pulled me back and wiped away my tears.

  I could only manage to shake my head. I didn’t know what to think. I only knew the one thing I needed to do—break up with Harrison. It was the one decision I could handle without making my heart explode.

  ********

  I tossed and turned…no, I fought. Something was holding me down. I was sweaty, exhausted, and screaming “help,” but no one came to rescue me. I kept screaming “No, not like this” and still…no one rescued me. Finally, I saw Aaron’s face. “Please help!” I yelled but he just shrugged his shoulders and pretended to take a toke off a joint. My fury grew even greater and I yelled, “Jack! Help me! Jack! I love you!” I saw the flickering image of Harrison’s evil smile.

  30. Unpredictable

  Weeks turned into months and before long, I was at the end of my freshman year of college. I tried to block the events of my spring break trip to Montana from my mind. Everything about it had been painful—physically and emotionally. Absently, I touched my right arm, recalling the five-fingered bruise Harrison’s brutal grip had left. I kept the bruises to myself, but looking back, I should have pressed charges against him. He had no right to touch me like that. Then there was the problem of Jack. I didn’t know what he did or didn’t know about my time with Harrison. I hoped my dad, Aaron, or Claire had filled him in that it lacked any level of seriousness.

  “Please, Addy. Please go.” Sheridan’s voice was whiney as she begged me for the tenth time today to go to the final Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity party of the year, but that was Harrison’s fraternity and there was no way I was going.

  Harrison’s behavior seemed to be odd lately, even different than before. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it, but something was definitely not right about him. We ran into each other in the library often and he was always friendly, but his eyes betrayed the tone of his voice. He sounded polite, but he looked angry. If it was true that the eyes were the windows to the soul, then I could see that Harrison’s soul was dark and evil. I then began avoiding the library, but then I would see him elsewhere, even the mall, seemingly lurking. I thought it was a clean, simple break, and he said he was cool with me breaking up with him, saying he agreed we were too different. He had even said something about how I was now middle-to-lower class and not worthy of him. My next problem was the dreams I had been having which told me otherwise. As usual, I couldn’t quite decipher their meaning, but I knew I needed to rid my life of Harrison.

  I also knew Sheridan was still pleading during my break up reverie. I finally came back to reality and interrupted her. “Seriously, I just want to pack. My mom and dad are going to be here tomorrow and I want to be ready to go,” I insisted.

  “You can’t wait to get back to Jack, right? That’s what you really want to say and I must admit, he is a hottie, but Harrison is more like your type.” Sheridan had a hard edge to her voice these days. Looking back, I was surprised our friendship ever survived her visit to Montana let alone our entire freshman year.

  I hadn’t told Sheridan how rough Harrison had treated me during our Montana trip. She wouldn’t have kept that information to herself and then I would’ve had to deal with not only Harrison, but his fraternity brothers, too. I had known Sheridan since elementary school and just now realized, she never really knew me—or maybe I never really knew myself—either way, Jack’s love had changed me. I guess I just peeled each one of the layers of my personality back and found a better one.

  “Neither one of them is my type, I guess. I just want to get through college.” I was being honest. Maybe dating isn’t for me and I should just focus on school.

  On the one hand, Jack wasn’t my type, on the other hand, he was everything I ever needed and wanted. I shook my head. I had to stop any thoughts of Jack. I had spent the entire last month trying to figure out how I would be in Montana for the summer and not end up back in his arms. He was irresistible on so many levels. I knew I would take one look at him and want every waking minute to be spent looking into his eyes. I wanted it all; I wanted my life in California—I wanted Jack. It wasn’t possible to blend the two different worlds. Most of the last nine months had been miserable in California, and if I were to be honest with myself, Montana would be a much better place for me. I’m never very good at being honest with myself.

  “Seriously, I’ll be fine. You go and have fun,” I insisted.

  “But I feel bad we’re not spending our last night together,” she replied.

  “Don’t feel bad. I’ll be back before you know it.” I found myself wanting to change the subject. “Can you believe we’ll be starting our sophomore year in like, three months?”

  I wasn’t really looking for a response. I had been contemplating ways to get out of rooming with her next year. Off-campus housing was extremely expensive and I wasn’t a sorority type of girl. Sheridan was made for sorority life though, which wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant that we were different from one another. She was considering the Alpha Ki Theta sorority and I was encouraging her to go in that direction.

  My mind wasn’t really on anything else besides getting packed and going back to Montana. I really looked forward to having the evening to myself. Sheridan finally conceded and after one last primp in the mirror, she was out the door in her way-too-short mini-skirt and way-too-tight t-shirt. She stopped, gave me a wink and said, “See ya, sister.”

  As I watched her leave, I shook my head in disbelief. We had become so incredibly different throughout the years.

  I finished packing my suitcase and was working on packing just a few pictures from my secret collection of Jack photos when I heard a knock at the door.

  Who can that be? I could have sworn everyone I knew was at some type of end-of-year party. I didn’t even think to ask who it was first. I just opened the door.

  Harrison. The hair on my neck rose. A sickening feeling came over me and I immediately regretted losing the safety of a locked door separating me from him. The meaning of my recent Harrison dreams flashed in my mind; I was in danger. My body visibly shivered.

  “Hello, Adelaide Davis.”

  He leaned up against the door frame and attempted to look like a model out of a magazine ad—an ad that said, “Hey, girl…you know you want me.” There is no way I want him.

  I offered a weak smile. “Hey, Harrison. What’s up? I thought you’d be at the party.”

  “Oh, I was, but I needed to talk to you before you left.” He stood upright and took a couple of steps into the room. He stumbled slightly. As he passed by, the smell of liquor reached my nostrils. He was well on his way to getting drunk or already there, I wasn’t sure which.

  I waved a hand in front of my nose and said, “I hope you walked down here.”

  “Oh, yeah, don’t worry. No drinkin’ and drivin’ for me, sweet pea.” Now I knew he was drunk. Harrison didn’t completely enunciate his words nor did he use contractions.

  I tried to sound in control of the situation. “Well, I only have a minute. I have a lot to do tonight so, what’s up?” I asked. I absently moved through the room, reluctantly turning my back to him, grabbing items to give the appearance of being too busy for a long talk.

  When I heard the door squeak, I assumed he was closing it and my next fear was that he would lock it. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to feel the need; the door remained unlocked. For half a second, I felt relief come over me, but when I turned around I found him walking toward me. The closer he got the more abundantly aware I was of his level of intoxication. I gulped. He came so close that I had to take several steps backwards.

  “I just really needed to tell you thaaat…I really…really…miiiisss you,” he slurred. He walked even closer and tried to pull me to him. I gently removed his arms from mine.

  “No, you don’t…you’re just drunk,
besides, I thought we agreed that we weren’t right for each other.”

  Harrison held up his index finger and pointed to his temple, “I don’t think I ever agreed to that besides, I have a theory about that—a theory on why you don’t think we’re meant for each other.” He slurred a little less—he was now concentrating very hard on his biting words.

  “Really? What’s your theory?” I asked. I tried to act nonchalant, but continued to back away. The look on his face made me afraid and my blood turned ice cold.

  “It’s that redneck in Montana, John was it?”

  “Jack.” I instantly corrected him which was a big mistake. Even in a drunken stupor he had set a trap and I walked myself right into it. Once I made the fatal error he’d been looking for, he lunged forward, grabbing my arms and pulling me hard to his chest. The stench of his breath was nauseating. He had apparently decided to smoke cigars tonight, too. I detested the smell of his warm, smoky, alcohol-laden breath.