Controlled Surrender

by Lovell, Christin

  Jayson was gorgeous, everything a woman could want in a man. He stood just over six feet with spiked light brown hair that was always styled to messy perfection. His brown eyes were deep, rich pools of lusciousness. The striations of honey, chocolate and bark were everything a female were loved. The cuts and angles of his body were sharp; deep grooves defined every muscle. His tan complexion reminded me of sun-filled days by the river; it was sun kissed beauty, just like him.

  He struck my ass again. My flesh was already beginning to numb where he’d made his presence known on me.

  When I remained silent for another thirty seconds, his hand whacked my flesh, which I was certain was red by now.

  I fought back the tears threatening to slip over the rims of my eyes. I closed my eyes, trying to channel my place of serenity. I needed Mother Nature’s whispering strength; I needed her fortitude.

  Another slap resounded through the space as the ache immediately mellowed.

  In the back of my mind, I knew if I would just let go, that I could probably enjoy being tied up by the man I’d yearned for for four years straight. But I couldn’t let go. I wasn’t ready to let go. I suppose the greatest awareness I had was that, if I did let go, he would know the worst of me. He would know all my dirty thoughts and secrets; he would know exactly how I felt about myself and him. Who would want me after those truths were exposed? If I was too scared to admit them even to myself, how could I expect him not to run when I faced them beneath him?

  I lost track of time; I lost count of how many times he spanked me. I’d always been good at removing myself from situations mentally. I did it every time I ate, mindlessly stuffing myself to numb the emotions I could never let go of. I’d snuck food, more food than my high were metabolism could keep up with.

  When life got hard, when someone made a nasty comment, when my parents went on about my size, I slipped away to comfort myself with food. I drowned my sorrow in a new sorrow.

  My family didn’t talk about our problems. We buried them. My parents’ fights were swept beneath the rug; my father and brother’s anger issues were swept beneath the rug. Nothing existed unless we spoke it into existence. The one exception was my weight. They couldn’t hide my problem; they couldn’t protect their reputations with me around. I was their largest issue, their biggest problem in every sense of the statement.

  Every pound on me was a pound of fear, a pound of sorrow, a pound of pain. I couldn’t deal with them, the same way they couldn’t deal with me. While my parents and brother snidely made their feelings known, I choked mine with food. Worse, rather than empower my wolf, I buried her deep inside me, beneath my emotions, dwindling her the way I had my self worth. And, rather than run to Mother Nature for help, I swallowed another chip, another cookie, another morsel of something I shouldn’t have.

  It was all my fault. That was a hard bite to swallow, a hard reality to face. Had I handled things differently, I could have prevented this.

  As time dragged on, my body began to grow weary. Confronting what I’d done to myself, to those around me, for the past twenty-six years was exhausting. My mind could wander, but the emotional reality of my personal abuse was enough to drain me.

  Even as another harsh smack landed behind me, I was able to slip away into oblivion, into the dream world, where it would never matter that I was twice the weight of my fellow female weres. It was a place that I could be who I wanted to be, who I longed to be without the fear of rejection, without the fear that Jayson would wake up the next day full of regret.

  Chapter 8

  JAYSON

  How the hell did someone fall asleep while they were being spanked? Damn. I’d really underestimated her defense mechanisms. She completely shut down.

  My wolf roared, his anger reverberating through me. I fisted my hands as I stared down at her swollen, red flesh. I’d wanted to increase my strength, wanted to shake her into cognizance, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d watched her extremely closely, gaging every slight reaction from her. I was desperate though.

  I spun on my heels and punched my fist through the wall, grunting in rage. She was the most infuriating, beautiful woman I’d ever met. Apparently it was going to take more than a little physical reprimand to break her.

  I didn’t know how long she would be out for. I could only imagine the effort it required for her to close herself off like that.

  Damn it. It’d gone completely wrong. I wanted her to open up to me. I wanted to help her. I wanted to empower her, not to beat her into unconsciousness.

  I scrubbed my face, the whiskers of my sprouting facial hair scraping against my palms. I refocused my gaze on her. A new wave of determination erupted from within as my wolf continued his angry song.

  I wasn’t giving up on her. It looked like I was going to have to up the ante. I was going to have to keep her teetering between pleasure and pain, a place that kept her body guessing and her mind active; it was a place where she wouldn’t be able to hide from herself or me.

  I quickly got to work, grabbing what I needed from my supply chest. With everything open and ready, I focused on Laina. I unlocked her cuffs and set about stripping her. As much as I wanted to take my time and touch every part of her, feel every curve as I exposed it, I had to remain focused on the big picture, on the end goal. The moment she was naked, I refastened her restraints. It was only then that I allowed myself to step back and enjoy the view.

  God, she was breathtaking. Every part of her was round, was soft, silky curves that I knew would be heaven to cuddle. Her face was flush, her cheeks stained with tears. Even seeing the physical depths I’d pierced, she was still beautiful. I couldn’t stop myself from caressing her cheek, trailing my fingers down her neck, across her pulse point and along the center of her, leading to her apex.

  Inhaling deep, her scent overwhelmed me. Her delicious aroma sent my wolf into a frenzy. I could easily release him to bite her while she slept. But I pressed down on him, holding strong to my control. At the end of the day, this was about her, not me. I hadn’t been thinking straight when I’d set out to claim her. What good would it do to have her beside me if she resented the position? If we weren’t a united front, they would never respect us.

  I sighed. This would have to be her decision. It would have to be her choice whether or not she surrendered herself. I could tie her up forever, but until I breeched that impenetrable wall around her, I would never have all of her and she would never accept me.

  I was selfish enough to take whatever I could get from her, but I loved her enough not to. I loved her enough to hold off on my own wants and needs for her benefit. To an outsider, I was sure spanking her, restraining her, all of this looked like a power trip on my part. But it was when you were brought to your knees, forced to face the darkness at your lowest that you realized how strong you were, that you could face anything.

  I wanted her to know her strength. I wanted her to know exactly what she was capable of, how much she was capable of. Even if she refused me at the end, at least I could let her go knowing I’d given her something she would never again lose: self-worth.

  When you knew exactly what you possessed, no one could ever demean you. No one could ever belittle it because you were aware of its full potential, of your full potential.

  I watched as her chest rose and fell, her breasts thrusting up and out with the effort. Her nipples were dark rosy peaks that had my mouth watering, my groin winding even tighter.

  Damn it. I couldn’t lose control. I had to ignore my cock, straining up against my stomach. I had to pretend like my balls weren’t on the verge of exploding, the pressure damn near agonizing. I cupped myself, squeezing hard, trying to dull the ache with fresh pain. It did little to relieve the mounting need building low in my stomach.

  I fisted my hands, forcing myself to walk away. I plopped down in one of the club chairs by the window. I gripped the arms of the chair, my knuckles white as I clamped down on the ends.

  This was torture. Damn it. I kne
w beating myself over things past didn’t change them, but damn, I wish it did.

  I stared at her curvy figure. It was more gorgeous than I had imagined. Her swells, her rounded features seemed to ensconce her, wrapping her into an elegant package of femininity. My hands itched to caress her. Gliding my fingers down her wasn’t enough. I’d felt her silk beneath them; I knew her curves would be cushions of satin against my stone.

  I bore down on my muscles, punching my wolf as he pounced towards the surface again. She was lying out, a feast for us both. I knew the temptation; my body and spirit felt the temptation, reacted to her lure.

  I leapt up the second she began to stir.

  She stretched, her eyes fluttering open. The moment she realized her situation, I saw the panic rise within her. Her gaze slid down her body, then narrowed on me. She jerked on the bindings.

  “Jayson!”

  I watched as her anger slid beneath embarrassment. She averted her gaze, her cheeks flaming.

  I knew it was time. She would learn exactly what she did to me, and I’d see to it that she embraced the power she had over me.

  I strolled towards her. As I loomed over her, I cupped her cheek and turned her face towards me. She immediately closed her eyes.

  “Open them,” I ordered.

  She hesitantly shook her head ‘no.’

  “Laina, look at me.” My tone was more abrasive this time.

  She bit her bottom lip, squeezing her eyelids.

  I moved my hand, depriving her of the contact I knew her wolf craved. “Last chance.”

  She remained deathly still, not heeding my warning.

  I carefully climbed on the bed, ensuring I didn’t touch her. I placed my knees between hers and leaned forward, my lower arms holding the weight of my upper body, braced on either side of her chest.

  My wolf punched my core, thrashing about in an effort to break me. I’d never been so close to her, so close to what I wanted, yet so far.

  I swallowed hard, trying to retain my calm, hard façade.

  I slid my gaze over her. I was captured, enraptured by her perfect mounds, plush and full. They sat begging for my mouth to claim them. And that’s when I decided I would attack them first.

  Shifting my weight to my elbows, I grabbed her breasts. Her breath hitched the second my hands framed her intimate flesh. Her breasts immediately molded to my palms.

  It was her turn to swallow hard. She tugged her arms, but only proceeded to jam her hands tighter into the cuffs.

  I smiled a predatory smile, a deviant smile even as she held tightly to her rebellion. Her eyes remained clamped shut.

  I swiped my thumbs across her sensitive buds. She gasped, her eyelids flying open.

  “What are you doing?” she demanded, indignation resounding in her tone.

  “Why don’t you defend yourself?” I flicked my thumbs again.

  She flushed, biting her inner lip. She was controlling her reaction; the initial shock had worn off quickly. I would have to become more aggressive with my pursuit.

  She glared at me. “I don’t have to answer that.”

  “Fine, but I promise you’ll want to when I take you to the edge and refuse to let you go over it.”

  Before she could respond, I capture one of her nipples in my mouth. I lapped my tongue over the tight bud as I pinched her other peak.

  Her brows furrowed inwards as she more sharply bit her lip. There was stress in her eyes. I could tell she wanted to let loose, but she wasn’t allowing herself to, which frustrated the hell out of me.

  I nipped at her sensitive flesh, thoroughly laving the tight bud before switching breasts. It was the change that shocked her, garnering a whimper from her.

  I drew back. “Why don’t you stand up for yourself?”

  She frowned, opening and closing her mouth several times, but not saying anything. When she clinched her mouth shut for the final time, I growled, squeezing her breasts roughly.

  I slid up her, leaning in near her ear. “You will answer that question before the day is over.”

  I lightly bit her ear lobe, moving down to kiss the pulse point in her neck. I drew my tongue up and down over her pulsing vein before running my teeth gently over her jaw. I nearly shouted in victory when her lower body squirmed.

  I held my aching lower half away from her. Should my cock feel her warmth, I knew it would be over.

  Chapter 9

  LAINA

  My pussy gushed with need, with a novel yearning that had my legs fumbling, my ankles jerking on the cuffs. My breasts throbbed, a fresh ache awakened within them. His mouth had felt like heaven against my flesh; I swore I heard angels sing when his tongue passed over my nipples.

  Of course, I knew what he was doing. He’d warned me. Perhaps I didn’t have any sexual experience, but I’d read enough books to know. All the “prep books” I’d devoured didn’t prepare me for the sensations that wracked my body when he touched me though.

  He smiled knowingly as he kissed a trail down my neck and over the swells of my breasts. He sucked a tight peak into his mouth. I wanted to cry out; I wanted to thrust deeper into his mouth, into the warm, wet soft cave of his mouth. But I didn’t. I held still. I stiffened my muscles and fought every instinct, every desire.

  His brows dipped in the center before he switched breasts. I closed my eyes, officially biting through my skin as his tongue and teeth teased my other taut bud. I pressed my tongue against the fresh wound, blood seeping from it, as he continued to torture me.

  “Are you ready to answer me yet?” His steady voice sung his patience.

  I couldn’t imagine that he was enjoying this. Why would he want to make a fat girl feel good? What guy, were or not, would want, could want, to taste and tease every dip and swell of her stretched flesh?

  With that reminder, my body seemed to cool. My heart cracked, my chest collapsing in on it. I jerked on the stupid restraints. Suddenly, his tongue felt like sandpaper against my skin. There was no reason for him to go to such lengths. Did he think I wasn’t embarrassed enough by their words, by their comments? Who wanted to draw that out? I wanted to escape them, not fight them.

  Sensing my change, Jayson immediately let go me. He sighed, pressing his forehead against the center of my chest.

  Tears burned my eyes behind my closed lids, prompting me to open them. I blinked several times. Damn it! I was not going to cry again. Crying made me weak. I was fat, but I was still a were, and weres weren’t weak. They were strong creatures that slipped in and out of two worlds, living a double life, a dual existence.

  The second a sniffle slipped, Jayson’s head shot straight up.

  His eyes softened as he gazed at me. He lifted a hand and caressed my face. “What do you need?”

  Too choked to speak with the lump in my throat growing larger by the second, I shrugged my shoulders. Maybe that was part of the problem. I knew I had issues, but I didn’t know what it would take for me to change. I didn’t know myself well enough to know what I needed. I knew what I wanted, but not what I needed.

  How could I be twenty-six and not know myself yet? How did I get here?

  Fear knotted in my chest. I couldn’t answer him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to; it was because I couldn’t. I didn’t know the answer because I didn’t know myself. I knew facts, like that I was fat; full-figured was the politically correct title. I knew I loved nature. I knew that Jayson was the mate nature dictated for me. I didn’t know much else. I’d been so ashamed of my outside that I hadn’t bothered to get to know myself, to define myself beyond the superficial.

  “Talk to me, sweetie.” Jayson studied me closely. His eyes were like a microscope, scrutinizing every twitch, every change in my features.

  I shifted my gaze to the ceiling. “I don’t know,” was my whispered response.

  He moved his hand. “Damn it, Laina. You can’t run forever.” Gone was the kindness. His words were a brusque snap of his thoughts.

  He wasn’t saying anything I did
n’t already know though. People never said anything I didn’t already know about myself. They pointed out the obvious, never the conspicuous truths that I wasn’t aware of.

  I glanced at him, unsure of how to respond to that. I could only imagine how pathetic I seemed to him. I was sad that nature had mated us. It wasn’t fair to him. He was the epitome of a strong, confident individual. He knew his path, he knew himself and didn’t waver; he never broke under the pressure of his roles, never quivered in the mirror. I needed to be more like him.

  I chuckled inwardly. I had to fight to hold back a small smile. I’d discovered my first need. Too bad I could never admit it.

  “What’s going through that head?” His eyes lit up; his interest peeked.

  I shook my head negatively. I wasn’t answering that.

  “Laina.” His tone held authority and advice. He was advising me to answer him.

  I knew my eyes sparkled as a new fire of defiance blazed within me. He wasn’t my husband. I didn’t have to answer to him or my family. I was independent for the first time in my life.

  “You really want to test me, don’t you?” He barked.

  I couldn’t contain my laugh. He took himself so seriously… or perhaps I was becoming a little delirious.

  He roared, his wolf flashing in his eyes.

  I immediately shut my mouth, swallowing the rest of my amusement. Fear worked through me in its place. If Jayson unleashed his wolf, I was done. He was done.

  His wolf didn’t care about my excess stuffing; he only cared about the possession. Nature stated that I was his and he would stop at nothing until I was his. My limited offerings meant nothing; my physical differences did nothing to slow his pursuit.