The Problem Child

by Michael Buckley

  “I could just eat them!” Daphne said.

  And that was when the rope whipped around their legs, flipped them upside down, and yanked them high into the air.

  “Puck!” the girls screamed.

  The fairy boy stepped out from behind a row of trees. He was wearing a green camouflage helmet of the kind Sabrina had seen on soldiers in old war movies. He had on his usual filthy green hooded sweatshirt and ratty jeans, but he was covered in medals and ribbons as if he were some kind of eleven-year-old five-star general. Spilling out of the woods behind him came a dozen chattering chimpanzees. Each had on the same helmet as their leader but wore bright-red overalls. They all had very eager faces, and water balloons in their hairy hands.

  Puck walked over to a small table where an old record player was sitting. He picked up the needle and set it down on the record. A rousing patriotic song filled the air.

  “Our plan has worked, men!” Puck shouted over the music. “I told you our enemy could not resist photographs of cute baby animals!”

  “Puck, get us down now!” Sabrina demanded. The blood was racing into her broken arm and making it throb with pain.

  “Keep your distance, men. Don’t be fooled into believing that our enemies are helpless. These ‘girls,’ as they call themselves, are a crafty bunch. I’ve seen inside the thing they call a ‘purse.’ It is filled with all kinds of toxic sprays and pointy things they wouldn’t hesitate to unleash on us.”

  The chimps looked at him with great respect.

  “Now, unfortunately, the laws of war prohibit us from killing these two, but I believe we can have them deliver a message to the rest of their kind.”

  One of the chimpanzees raced to his side and handed him a fat, sloshy water balloon.

  “Puck! Don’t you dare!” Sabrina demanded.

  “Oh, but I do dare, Captain Doodieface,” Puck said, turning to his army. “Men, fire at will!”

  The first wave of balloons hit Sabrina in the chest and splattered onto Daphne’s face, but instead of drenching them in water, they covered the girls in something that smelled a lot like a combination of mayonnaise and grape jelly.

  The chimpanzees tossed balloon after balloon at the girls. Each one exploded on contact, soaking them in the foulsmelling glop. By the time the army ran out of ammunition, the sisters were covered from head to toe.

  Puck pulled his wooden sword from his belt and stepped over to his prisoners. He poked Sabrina in the side with his little weapon.

  “Now you know what happens to people who do not pay their debts,” Puck said.

  “One of these days I’m going to get my revenge, fairy boy,” Sabrina said. “You won’t know when it’s coming but it’s coming, buster. It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

  “Your threats are boring me, Captain. B-O-R-N-G, boring!”

  “I am going to—”

  “Puck, we were just thinking of sneaking out and getting into some trouble.” Daphne said, interrupting her sister’s tirade. “We thought you’d like to come along.”

  The boy cocked an eyebrow. “What kind of trouble?”

  “We want to go back up to the hospital and look for clues about our parents.”

  “Boring!” Puck shouted as he pretended to yawn.

  “This is important!” Sabrina begged.

  “Which makes it even more boring,” Puck said. “I’ve got better things to do.”

  “When we’re finished we could go to the overpass and toss eggs at passing cars,” Daphne offered.

  Puck’s eyes lit up. “Cut them down, men.”

  After the girls got cleaned up and put on some warm clothing, the trio was off. The little snow-covered town lay sleeping, unaware that a flying boy and two young girls were floating high above. As angry as Sabrina was at Puck, she found herself envying him once again. Puck was a genuine pain in the butt, but he had powers and those powers made him useful. If only she could do something special, too.

  “I still can’t believe Little Red Riding Hood kidnapped Mom and Dad,” Daphne said. “She’s the hero of that story.”

  “Well she jumped off the crazy bridge long ago,” Sabrina said. “She and the Jabberwocky nearly killed us.”

  “Nearly killed you,” Puck argued. “I beat the stuffing out of that overgrown lizard.”

  Sabrina rolled her eyes and then spotted the hospital below. “There it is,” she cried, pointing at the burned-out shell. Part of the roof was still intact and much of the right wing of the hospital was still standing, but otherwise the place was in ruins.

  “There’s not much left, Grimm,” Puck said as he set the girls on the ground. The wind was picking up and the damaged beams swayed under its force.

  “I guess we start in the part that’s still standing,” Sabrina said.

  Puck took out his little flute and blew a few notes. Soon, the children were surrounded by thousands of pixies. “Minions, we need some light.”

  Instantly, the glow around the little beings grew brighter and brighter. The pixies went from looking like fireflies to looking like light bulbs. Soon, the entire top of the mountain was illuminated in their dazzling radiance.

  “Nice trick,” Sabrina said as she led the group into the ruins. Everywhere they looked they saw burnt papers and furniture. They went from room to room, finding no clues. Every file cabinet was empty or welded shut by the flames. One tiny room, covered in what looked like cushions, was untouched by the fire. A crumpled white coat with dozens of buckles and belts lay on the floor—a straitjacket. It was a creepy reminder of what the building had once been.

  “Well, this was an enormous waste of time,” Puck grumbled. “Let’s get going to the overpass. Those cars aren’t going to egg themselves.”

  “I agree,” Daphne said. “I am totally freaked out, anyway.”

  Sabrina’s heart sank. The others were right. Anything that might have pointed toward her parents’ location was now ashes. Without a word, she turned and marched back the way they came.

  “Slow down,” Daphne said. “I’m scared.”

  “There’s nothing in here that’s going to get you. Stop being a baby!” Sabrina said over her shoulder.

  Suddenly, there was a horrible crashing sound and a short shout from her sister. Sabrina spun around to see what was the matter, only to find a hole where Daphne had been. The burnt boards had collapsed beneath her feet. Sabrina rushed to the hole and stared into the darkness below. “Daphne!”

  There was a long silence. Sabrina’s voice echoed back at her and then she heard her sister’s voice.

  “Sabrina?”

  “Daphne! Are you okay?”

  “Yes. Sabrina?”

  “What?”

  “I hate you!” the little girl screamed.

  Puck grabbed onto the back of Sabrina’s coat and together they leaped into the hole. Though she couldn’t see his wings, Sabrina knew Puck had released them. The two floated to the floor below, followed by several glowing pixies. Daphne appeared to be safe and sound, though a little bruised. Sabrina reached out to help the little girl up, but her sister looked at the offered hand as if it were a snake and stood up on her own.

  “Sabrina Grimm! Of all the stupid ideas you’ve ever had, this is the stupidest. We could get killed in here!”

  Sabrina didn’t mean to ignore her sister’s anger but now that she could see the room, she was dumbfounded. It wasn’t a room like the ones upstairs. It was more of a dungeon, with tall granite walls. In one corner, a pair of enormous chains had been pounded into the rock. Against the opposite wall leaned a large antique mirror. Its reflective surface had been destroyed and fire-blackened shards of glass littered the floor below it. But the oddest of the room’s furnishings was the baby crib. It was made from solid oak and had a little blue blanket inside, along with a pacifier and a fluffy white teddy bear.

  “What is all this?” Puck asked.

  “She said she had a baby brother,” Sabrina said. “She’s stolen someone’s child just like s
he stole my mom and dad.”

  Daphne opened the top drawer of a small file cabinet in the far corner of the room and yanked out a collection of aging folders. “I think I found something.”

  Sabrina rushed to her side, grabbed the files, and flipped through them. Soon she came upon one marked PATIENT 67—LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. As she leafed through it, a page fell out. Sabrina picked it up. It was a crayon drawing of a family. There was a father, a mother holding a baby, a grandmother, a small child in a red cloak, a hideous monster that could only be the Jabberwocky, and a ferocious-looking dog.

  “This is her medical file,” Sabrina said.

  “Good. Can we get out of here?” Daphne asked. “I’m totally freaked out and my butt hurts.”

  Sabrina nodded and turned to Puck. The boy’s wings were out and ready to fly them from the frightening room. But just then a man stepped out of the shadows.

  “Sabrina?”

  Sabrina nearly screamed. She squinted to get a better look at the stranger. He was tall and wore a long overcoat. He was about her father’s age, with milky blue eyes, shaggy blond hair, and a nose that had been broken in three places. Around his neck were a dozen necklaces and amulets. Every one of his fingers had a ring on it.

  “Girls, I need that file,” he said as he stepped toward them.

  Puck leaped between the girls and the stranger and pulled his sword from his belt. He waved it in the man’s face and bonked him on the nose with its tip.

  “Owww!” the man cried.

  “I’m going to give you to the count of three to run off or you’re going to get a bellyful of steel. One . . .”

  The man chuckled. He had a quirky grin that seemed incredibly familiar to Sabrina, but she was far too nervous to place it. They’d met so many lunatics and nutcases since moving to Ferryport Landing, she couldn’t be sure this man wasn’t on the list.

  Puck turned to face Sabrina with an embarrassed expression. “What comes after one?”

  “Two.” Sabrina groaned.

  Puck nodded. “Two!”

  “Listen, there’s been a big misunderstanding,” the man said.

  “Three!” Puck shouted and then looked over at Sabrina to make sure he was correct. She nodded at the boy and Puck burst into action, quickly bringing his sword down on the man’s hand.

  “Oww!” the stranger cried. “Cut it out with the sword, kid!”

  Puck’s wings flapped furiously and he sprang into the air. He did a cartwheel and landed on his feet behind his opponent. “I am Puck, son of Oberon, otherwise known as the Trickster King, spiritual leader of hooligans, good-for-nothings, and punks,” he cried as he landed a kick on the stranger’s rear and pushed him to the ground. Puck leaned over his victim, waving the sword in his face. “Had enough?” he asked.

  The strange man reached into a pocket of his coat and Sabrina noticed for the first time how unusual the garment was. It had dozens of pockets sewn into it. The man fumbled in one and removed something silver and shiny. He uttered a few nonsensical words and suddenly everything began to shimmer. Sabrina felt queasy, as if she were seasick, and then something unbelievable happened. The man’s shadow began to move of its own accord. It pulled itself off the ground with a loud slurp! and walked around erratically as if it were an actual person shaking off a case of the dizzies. When it seemed to have finally gotten its bearings, it stepped between Puck and the stranger and put up its hands in a boxing stance.

  The shadow rushed forward to attack but Puck blocked its punches, then threw a few of his own. Unfortunately, Puck’s counterattack didn’t faze the shadow at all; the boy’s fists passed harmlessly through the spirit’s body. Startled, Puck fell backward, allowing the shadow to get the upper hand. It leaped into the air, did a backflip over the boy, and landed behind him. A swift kick to the Trickster King’s rump followed. The boy yelped, then swooped over to Daphne and Sabrina, yanked them off the ground, and zipped up through the hole and into the room above. The shadow man followed, grabbing onto Sabrina’s feet and forcing Puck to crash into a wall. Sabrina and Daphne tumbled roughly to the floor. Puck and the shadow went back to fighting, and unfortunately the shadow’s master, the stranger, flew up through the hole, landed in the room, and headed straight for the girls.

  “Here he comes. What do we do?” Daphne asked.

  Sabrina looked down at the chunks of burnt furniture scattered about. She grabbed a blackened chair leg and flung it at the stranger, hitting him in the ribs.

  “Oww!” he cried.

  Daphne snatched another charred piece of wood and hurled it in the man’s direction. Unfortunately, her aim was way off and she hit Puck instead.

  “Hey! What are you doing?” the boy complained.

  “We’re trying to help,” Sabrina said.

  “Well, stop trying so hard,” Puck shouted. “Your help hurts!”

  “This isn’t working,” Daphne said.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll think of something,” Sabrina said.

  “You do that. Meanwhile, I’m going to take care of that weirdo,” Daphne said.

  Before Sabrina could stop her, the little girl raced up to the stranger and stopped a few feet from him.

  “OK, calm down,” the little girl said to herself. “First you bow to your opponent.” She bowed low.

  “Daphne, get away from him!”

  The little girl ignored her sister’s warning. “Move into offensive stance,” she said, stepping forward with her left leg and shifting her body so that her torso was turned perpendicular to her opponent. She raised her fists.

  The stranger looked slightly amused.

  “Present your warrior face,” Daphne said, crinkling up her nose and eyes and then screaming “Argggghhhh!”

  “Daphne, I’m not trying to hurt you,” the stranger said. “If you would just listen for a second, I’m your—”

  “Deliver attack!” Daphne yelled, cutting off the man’s speech. She cried “Hiya!” and then kicked the man in the shin. He groaned in pain and bent down to hold his sore leg.

  “Deliver secondary attack,” the little girl said. She spun around in a complete circle and caught the man’s other leg with a sweeping kick. He fell over as if he had been chopped down with an axe.

  The little girl continued kicking the man as he lay on the ground. He curled up in a ball and tried to avoid her vicious feet. “Uh, hello . . . I could use some help,” Daphne said to her sister.

  Sabrina shook off her surprise and together they took turns kicking the stranger.

  The man cried out for help and his shadow immediately stopped fighting with Puck. It rushed to his side and grabbed Daphne and Sabrina in its arms. The girls fought against its grip but it was too strong, and while they struggled, the stranger managed to get to his feet.

  “All right, I’ve had just about all I’m going to take from you kids,” the man growled as he reached into his pocket once again. Before he could pull out another weapon, Puck swooped down and snatched the girls away from the shadow by the backs of their coats.

  “Well, we’ve got to run,” Puck said as they soared into the night sky. Undeterred, the shadow sailed after them, grabbed at Sabrina with its horrible hands, yanked the medical file from under her arm, and flew away. Sabrina cried out and begged Puck to go back for it, but he refused.

  As they flew toward home, Sabrina looked down at the cold, dark forest. It might have been a tear in her eye, or the reflection of the moon, but for a second she could have sworn she’d seen someone racing through the woods below at an incredible speed—someone with a shock of white hair. And then he was gone.

  uck and Daphne were already at the dining room table when Sabrina came down for breakfast. They had forks and knives in their hands and were pounding them on the table. “We want to eat! We want to eat!” they chanted. Elvis was barking along with the children’s demands.

  Sabrina took a seat just as Granny Relda entered the room carrying several plates of food. She set them on the table and glanced at
Sabrina.

  “Liebling! You look like you were up all night,” she said.

  “Slept like a baby,” Sabrina lied. She knew she looked tired. When she had gone into the bathroom to brush her teeth before coming down, she saw that her eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles underneath them. Her stubborn black-marker mustache and goatee weren’t helping her appearance, either.

  Granny raised a suspicious eyebrow but said nothing, zipping back into the kitchen for more food. Soon, nearly every inch of table was covered with plates overflowing with flapjacks, toast, scrambled eggs, waffles, sausages, oatmeal, French toast, fruit, and yogurt. Best of all, it was normal food. Granny’s odd culinary tastes often included black spaghetti, tofu waffles, daffodil gravy, porcupine stew, and cream of skunk cabbage soup.

  “What’s all this for?” Sabrina said as she enjoyed the feast’s delicious smell.

  “We’re celebrating your return from the hospital, of course,” Granny said as she served the girl a heaping spoonful of scrambled eggs, some sausages, a couple of pancakes, and a few slices of apple. She took Sabrina’s fork and knife and cut up the meal so Sabrina could easily eat it with one hand. Then she poured maple syrup over all of it. Sabrina took a bite and was surprised to find that it was actually real maple syrup and not some exotic concoction the woman had discovered in Kathmandu or Timbuktu or one of the other zillion places she had visited.

  Daphne impaled a pancake on her fork and flipped it into the air. Elvis caught it and wolfed it down without chewing. Daphne took a pancake for herself and shoved the whole thing into her mouth. Sabrina wondered whether Elvis or her little sister had better table manners. Puck had no manners at all. He scooped up some eggs with his dirty hands and crammed them into his mouth. Granny smacked his hand with a serving spoon when he tried to do the same thing with the oatmeal.

  “Well, so much for seconds,” Sabrina grumbled.

  “I was thinking that maybe after breakfast we could dig through the journals and look for clues about Red Riding Hood and the Jabberwocky,” Daphne said with a mouthful of food. She winked at her sister.